Finally making progress....must be through "fog" and "withdrawal" period!!

[flowergirl77]

If you don't already know my story here is the VERY short version:

 

Married 6 yrs, together 10.

2 girls together 4&6, and my 13 y/o son from a prev. R

My EA started around January 2010 - 1st DDay May 2010

and second one November 2010 (last time I saw xOM)

...been trying to find my way out of the mess ever since!

 

I have been struggling big time with weather or not my MG was over because I have felt nothing for my H in a very long time.With how bad I felt and how I was convinced the love was gone I really thought it was over. I denied this had anything to do with the xOM (to my H and myself), until just this past week. Something magical happened and I feel like the "fog" has lifted, and my cravings to see and talk to xOM are pretty well gone!

He crosses my mind still, but I am not thinking of ways I could talk to or see him.

In fact..I saw him today (in his car thankfully) he didn't see me..and it hasn't set me back at all.

I see the progress my H and I have made, and I see now what kind of a marriage we really can have with BOTH of us invested in rebuilding it as a team. We have had some good times lately, are spending lots more time together (partly b/c he is working from home right now) so he is around a lot more.

We have had some really AWESOME sexual encounters (3 times in one night!!LOL) and we are talking and enjoying each others company more than ever before.

 

I now see that there is hope for our family, and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also see that if not for my H stepping up and doing the "manly thing" in how he handled this EA betrayal, we would not still be under one roof today..I'd have run a long time ago. He refused to leave, and refused to believe it was over between us-so THAT is what I am grateful for-I married a stellar man with a solid character. When the chips were down, he did what it took to make me see what i had to lose if I walked away.

 

I am sure I am not completely out of the woods yet, as far as xOM....if I see him somewhere around town, i am not sure how I will handle that, or if it will cause a set back-but I feel stronger than ever-that I know I want my M and my family NOT xOM. He could never give me what my H and family do. He met 10% of my needs, my H meets the other 80%..no brainer. But when one is in the affair fog..you are NOT IN YOUR RIGHT MIND!! I wish people could really know this to avoid giving up on their spouses when there may still be a chance! I almost did it...but here I am living to tell the tale.

 

I cant say enough good things about marriagebuilders.com and the book "His Needs Her Needs" (all by the same author Harley) we are working through the material together and talking about it..it is a great place to start for spouses dealing with an affair. I will keep updating my progress...and would love to hear any thoughts!

[East7]

Good for you, but it sounds more like a hysterical rebound rather than a healthy gradual reconciling process.

 

You have been disconnected with your H big time. It is possible that you somehow find "consolation" in your H rather than having genuine feelings coming back. The success depends on how much you both invest in reconciliation and reconnection.

Also, the withdrawal is like a wave with ups and downs which attenuates with time, there are days you'll be ok and others you'll miss xOM.

 

PS. Maybe you'll find more support from fMW in the Infidelity Forum.

Edited February 16, 2011 by East7

[thomasb]

I'm very happy for you. I can attest to the fact that you can build a new, better marriage after an affair. My wife and I counselled with the Harleys years ago, and I agree they are marvelous. It has been well over a decade since my affair and I have never once regretted the fact that I came clean and reconciled with my dear wife. Congratulations! I wonder if you could recognize us there?

[BB07]

Hey flowergirl.........I hope you continue on the path to a wonderful marriage.

 

Hang in there girl! :)

[thomasb]

By the way, I guess we are still in hysterical bonding after over 12 years. The sex is still just as wonderful as she is!

[ladydesigner]

I think this is great Flowergirl! I hope your marital success continues! Of course there may be times you may miss the XOM, but hopefully fewer and far between;)

[woinlove]

Wow, flowergirl, it is so good to hear that you are feeling better about yourself and your H and family. You and your family have gone through such a rough time, with your son, and your feelings at times seemed almost hopeless - like nothing was really going to make you happy - not your H, not OM, not just being by yourself. It seems from what you write now, no matter what, there is more hope. I do hope all works out well with you.

[flowergirl77]

Good for you, but it sounds more like a hysterical rebound rather than a healthy gradual reconciling process.

 

You have been disconnected with your H big time. It is possible that you somehow find "consolation" in your H rather than having genuine feelings coming back. The success depends on how much you both invest in reconciliation and reconnection.

Also, the withdrawal is like a wave with ups and downs which attenuates with time, there are days you'll be ok and others you'll miss xOM.

 

PS. Maybe you'll find more support from fMW in the Infidelity Forum.

 

Well, there are no hysterics going on here...it has been a very slow going process, one step forward a few back-but the only thing that is different, is I am actually feeling receptive to my H and am actually seeing some hope for us, where before, when I was still wrapped up in my A, I wanted nothing to do with reconciliation. We still have our times when we are like oil and water..but I don't have the affair stuff and feelings complicating matters as much.

 

What is fMW? And why might I get more support on the infidelity forum? Just curious why you suggested that.

[flowergirl77]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone...I am not naive in thinking all is fixed and we will live happily ever after. I know the hard work is just beginning-trying to heal from all of this, and rebuild a new marriage! We are both committed to doing the work necessary to do that. Some days are not so good, but if we are in conflict, it is short lived rather than going on the whole day like it used to. We don't argue or yell at each other, and try to talk things out if there is tension or issues coming up.

 

I am seeing that I could have left my family in my confused state, and would have had to live with that regret for the rest of my life. This way, if we do all we can to save this and it still isn't going anywhere-we can both know we really tried to do everything to save it, and can be proud of ourselves for sticking it out through the toughest period of our relationship.

[ver13]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone...I am not naive in thinking all is fixed and we will live happily ever after. I know the hard work is just beginning-trying to heal from all of this, and rebuild a new marriage! We are both committed to doing the work necessary to do that. Some days are not so good, but if we are in conflict, it is short lived rather than going on the whole day like it used to. We don't argue or yell at each other, and try to talk things out if there is tension or issues coming up.

 

I am seeing that I could have left my family in my confused state, and would have had to live with that regret for the rest of my life. This way, if we do all we can to save this and it still isn't going anywhere-we can both know we really tried to do everything to save it, and can be proud of ourselves for sticking it out through the toughest period of our relationship.

The hardest thing to do is to face ones self and see who you are. But the next thing close to that is to look at your WS after you find out most of the crazy things that occured and still be there for them. I refused to leave my wife when this crap all came to light because I luv her, she is the sun that sit's in my sky in this thing I call my world. The OM was just that the OM not me or the many years of both good and bad and babies etc... If being married and living with someone everyday was supposed to be easy we would never know divorce, if men were angels we wouldn't need the police. But that's not the case and one thing that I realized was that I saw the relationship thru my eye's and I never bothered to ask her for her's so we had a different picture of where we we going. Now I ask her what she is seeing everyday and to tell you the truth some of it I don't like but I ask and I act on it. It will take time if it's mean't to be and it won't be easy my DD was in 2001. But now I know some of who she is and how much of a women she is and I'm proud of her. I mean faced with the kind of man I can be 23yrs of Army. She stood her ground faced the hard times that came with me finding out and she contiues to call me her husband.

[East7]

What is fMW? And why might I get more support on the infidelity forum? Just curious why you suggested that.

 

fMW = Former married woman ( MW who had an affair)

 

Infidelity forum is more focused on married affair partners.

[flowergirl77]

fMW = Former married woman ( MW who had an affair)

 

Infidelity forum is more focused on married affair partners.

 

Um..no. I went on that forum originally and had to put up with a lot of nastiness...no thanks. Kinda like jumping into an ocean full of angry sharks.