mortensorchid Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Last night I was on Facebook and I found the love of my life. The man who broke my heart and left me in the dust when he moved away from here and I never heard from him again. Save for a couple of emails that I had sent to his mom's email address, then one day his mom told me that she wanted to close the book on life in Ohio and leave and never wanted to hear from me or anyone else again. I sent him a friend request. He wrote this back to me : After six years, there are too many. And even if I was tempted to try, this isn't the right forum to attempt to say them all. Which leads me to focus on the most important thing I've wanted to say to you. There will always be a place for you in my heart. You're a wonderful person. Funny. Smart. Powerful. Beautiful. None of us are perfect. Not you. Certainly not I. Hold your head high. Be who you are. You are dervering of love, and you will receive it... Although it will be imperfect. Like us. Like the love we have shared. I am thankful for the time we had together. I don't regret leaving. But if I had to do it over again, I do hope that I would be kinder and more giving. And then it occurs to me that Facebook might have sent me a friend invitation without you realizing it by importing your list of e-mail contacts. And I don't really care. I'm still glad to have the chance to tell you how special you were to me. I spent the whole night crying. This was the man I was going to be with for the rest of my life, who broke my heart. The man who caused me to go descend into mental illness and when I took out my frustration in food and I gained 40 lbs (lost it since). I don't believe one word of it. I did a bad thing in inviting him in again. My face is puffed out to there. I'm a bitter, angry person, I've changed. SOmeone once said on some posting I had made on this forum that I have this "enter if you dare" tone about me. Well, that's how I've become. STAY OUT. Nothing but anger and disappointment, everytime I open the door.
Knittress Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I wish my ex would say this to me. I failed half a year of grad school and might have been certifiably crazy at one point. He ignored every attempt at closure I made, and I still can't let anyone in. Anyone. I hope to be emotionally healthy at some point in my life, but I guess I'll just have to see... Does that make you feel better? I hope so. I haven't heard from him in three years and I can't imagine how I'd react if something like this dropped on me from out of the blue. I just know that it would bad. But still... I wish he would say this to me. You're probably pissed that he's saying this now, right? On his stupid timeline and not when you needed him to say it. Which is just one more heaping coal of disregard and disrespect, eh? I think though, that once you get done hurling epithets at the walls that you'll feel a little better knowing that you meant something to him despite his actions. I'd like to think so.
fishtaco Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I said something similar with my ex. Because, well, I screwed up. She put A LOT into the relationship, and I took it for granted, and broke up with her over issues that we may have been able to work out. Whether we could eventually work out those issues is anyone's guess. But I was wrong that I should have really tried hard, before I gave up and broke it off with her - I jumped the gun, and I deeply regret it. I apologized, I professed my regret, which I believe she appreciated. I asked her if there was any chance we could get back together (this is after a year and a half), even though I knew this is starting new, and from a damaged position already. I can't expect to "get back and continue" as if I just reload a previous save point in a video game. But I felt an overwhelming desire to try again and do it right this time, and somehow manage to erase the wrong I've done to her. And because I missed her dearly. But she told me no. So now we are NC again. By her choice. I believe she appreciated my apology, but she never forgave me. Second chances are luxuries. No one is entitled to them. Sucks for me. I've moved on, but you know how it is. We can all pick ourselves up, life goes on, but no one can ever be replaced. It's a regret that I'll hang on to for the rest of my life.
heartshaped Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I don't mean this to be harsh, but really I am saying it for your own good. You have to forgive him. No matter what he has done, no matter whether you believe he is truly sorry or not because forgiving him isn't about him it's about you. You have to forgive him so you can let go of this anger you have against him and begin to live your life again. You cannot let one person, one event destroy the entirety of your life. You just cannot allow that to happen. We all have to realize some day that some people are going to hurt us. Even the people that love us are going to hurt us, but we can't let that shape our perceptions of things or our lives. The only thing you can do is forgive him and begin to live again. Let people in, don't suspect betrayal from everyone, learn to care for people, and let them care for you in return. Life is hard, but we have to take the blows and keep running. If I were you, I'd write back if for nothing else, but closure. If you feel you are incapable of doing so, then don't.
Gala Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I'd like to offer a few thoughts on this. One truth I've learned is that most of the time, the really powerful connections stay that way...and thus they should be handled carefully. I turned down an old flame who sent me a LinkedIn invite a couple of years ago. I did so because 1) at a crucial time he had failed to tell me that he was involved with someone else, and 2) later I found out through someone else that he had subsequently married her. I won't go into the back story of our relationship. But it was unforgivable behavior, and whether he had admitted it or not he sent that invite to see if I'd accord the connection. Yes, he's still married to this woman. Doesn't matter. I was not going to pretend that bygones were bygones. Yes, it is harder to let in people after these kinds of experiences. But it's the most important thing we can do.
Scottdmw Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 It's been four years for me since my ex left, and I can understand how you feel. I’ve dated other people and so far haven't had any success in making the same kind of connection. I don't know if I'm afraid to, if I just cant, or what it is, but so far I haven't been able to care about anyone else the same way. That said, the thing that has helped me more than anything else is finding new directions for my life, new goals. I'm doing things aside from dating that I never thought I would do back then, and it's been great. In a lot of ways I'm more happy than I was even when we were dating. I've found that especially after a long period of time, it just isn't useful to keep thinking about the person or the relationship. There is no more useful thinking about it you can do. Often my mind will try to go back there and re-create internal drama with “what ifs”. This is like a temptation for me. It always feels like it will help somehow, but all that ever happens is I get unhappy and upset. So, I really try to guard against thinking about it. The poster who said you have to forgive is exactly right. Lack of forgiveness only continues to hurt yourself. Here are some thoughts that helped me to forgive. I realized that what seems so significant and disastrous in my life, and so evil on the part of the other person, was objectively nothing more than a run-of-the-mill heartbreak experienced by many people. There are people in the world who have had much, much, much worse things done to them and they were still able to forgive. If you want an example read this book about a woman whose entire family was murdered during the Ugandan genocide, and she could still forgive the ones who did it: http://www.lefttotell.com/ Consider that at least you did eventually get an apology. It sounds like it is about as sincere as most people are capable of. That is more than I got, and I've certainly wished for it. Best wishes Scott
Leeway Harris Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I'm so sorry. This sounds really hard. I don't have any great advice for you, but I hope you feel better soon.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Accept his apology and forgive him. By doing this, you'll set yourself free of the anger, the bitterness and all the heartache. He's moved on, he's changed as have you. It's time.. to hang on to the past and let it affect you the way it did and continue to let it, is not a good thing. You deserve a happy life, so work hard to get that!
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