Sad and tearful today....

[tobydog1]

I just cannot get over this break up at all.. I thought I was doing well.

I just need some closure yet I cannot believe he is having an affair with an OW 20 years older than him, a woman of loose morals and with grandkids his own son's age?

 

But he left and went to live with her 5 months ago, tho he insists they are just friends.....and still denies it.

 

Evidence:

 

He has virtually ignored his son, nor given us a bean.

He will end up with nothing from the marriage

He went to Scotland with her 2 x

He goes across the road from where they live to her shop all the time

They go out together in a group

He was caught on CCTV with her arm around him

A message on his FB from her brother said 'I thought you and my sis were going to Richmond'

She monitors his emails and texts and I suspects sends a few..

He brought her around to my house to drop off my son, she was in the car.

 

 

How can he? Is he? What do you all think?

 

I have to say in all honesty she is a tramp. How can he leave me for her?

 

It just does not make sense......How can a seemingly devoted father just leave his son?

I am at my wits end again, I suppose becuz I have realised it is true.....and I just don't get it.

 

What do you all think? Half of thinks he could never do that, I thought he had some morals, but then the other half says get real......

Thanks x

[worlybear]

He's having a brainstorm.

He sounds just like my ex- who got up and walked off with an incredibly, ugly, (admittedly younger)woman, bulgey eyes,laughs like a horse,stick-like body -no curves ,bumps...or brains. Honestly, I was really offended at his crap taste- ......I could've understood some fantastic looking dolly bird:

And her daughter, (who my ex is raising, taking to school, in his class,a dim bulb at best) has replaced his own,bright,sparky,funny daughter (and rest of his own kids ,mum etc...) He hasn't seen his daughters for 15 months.

Go,figure!

'Cos I sure as hell can't!

Grieve, Tobydog but don't ever try to understand your ex- it just defies belief!

Focus on you and your son, and try to step back a little(incredibly hard I know).

Here for you

worlybear:bunny::bunny:

[Yasuandio]

Tobybear, so sorry about your pain. Here are my thoughts for what they are worth. Has it ocurred to you that she is technically old enough to be his Mommy? Can you think of a reason why he may need a Mommy figure in his life right now? What emotional need could she possibly be filling?

 

IMO, there is something weird about this. I realize you hurt terribly, and it is natural for you to take this as an assault on your womanhood. But try if you can, to spin the situation, and view from some different angles. Get a handle on your emotions so you can really observe what's going on here.

 

As long as you are in hysterical/crying/upset mode he knows he can always return home. If you cool your jets, and stop feeding his ego, he will soon get irratated with Mommy, and come crawlling home with his tail between his legs.

 

You really have no other choice but to wait this one out with the 180. You can't (and don't really want to) MAKE him come home. And you don't seem ready to serve him with divorce papers (which would be a huge wake-up call, but risky - as you need to be prepared to go through with it!). Stop reacting, pull yourself together, do the NC and 180 whilst you sit back and let this play out.

[tobydog1]

Thanks, your words are so wise. That is a good angle to look at it from as well. His mother has never been a good one.

I am calmer this week and have really stepped back.

Take care and you too worlybear

xx Debbie

[tobydog1]

Well, I have really stepped back this week and heard nothing.

 

He forgot his son's birthday yesterday!!!!

 

And I resisted the tempation to fire off an email.

 

I feel stronger today....

Had a good day, cleaned the house and watching the football with a good mate now. Playing some golf next week as we are on half term and the divorce has been filed with Leeds County Court........

 

I would still like to know why he has gone off with a grandma with fat legs but hey?.....

 

I like the theory about a mother figure Yas! Can you expand on that?

 

Debx

[Yasuandio]

Tobydog, so glad you had a good day today! It's my pleasure to expand on the theory, but you actually provided all the input. First, the woman is old enough to be his Mommy. Second, she has grandchildren that are his son's age. Thirdly, his real Mommy wasn't exactly a good one.

 

It's possible he may be seaching for something his Mommy did or did not provide him in childhood. This could be anything: an appropriate childhood need may or may not have been met, or visa-versa. Regardless, this lady is addressing something he needs, that you have not been providing. The visual you have depicted of her leads me to believe that this has nothing to do with you or your son. It's possible she may actually be nurturing a very strange need he has, something you'd never expect, and nothing like the affair that you're trying to envision and digest.

 

You just missed this because it's natural for you to take what appears to be an affair as a personal assault on your desirabilty, self-esteme, trust, femininity, womanhood, the list goes on and on. However, I smell a rat, and I betcha there is something weird going on. Try to be strong, it has nothing to do with you, and in all liklihood, he will become a pest to her, or Mommy will get pisst one of these days when he pulls a husband stunt and throw his ass out.

 

Perhaps you need to look to Freud's Oedepus Complex (son's desire to sexually dominate his mother). I mean it's been a long time since I looked at that research, but I will try to read about it tomorrow, as I may be thinking of the wrong thing. Meanwhile, is there a trusted family member that knows anything about the family history? I hope this helps.

Edited February 20, 2011 by Yasuandio
Typos

[tobydog1]

Yas,

 

Yes there is something seriously wrong about this whole situation.

 

Last night he put up a picture on FB with his hand at the top of a woman's leg????? His sister remarked that it was gross, I emailed him and called him some choice names and he then took it down!

 

This is not like him, he rarely uses FB and is quite prudish at heart so WTH is going on? I think he may be using drugs or drinking a lot....

 

Thanks for all input...x

[spackle]

have you thought to block/de-friend him on FB? Especially while you're hurting. I know it's natural to go looking for answers but FB is not the way. IMO from others, it only leads to more questions.

[Yasuandio]

Tobydog, I understand you frustration when seeing something strange on FB, and reacting. I also respect the previous poster's position that contuuing to view his FB page prolongs you pain. Here's my take.

 

Do not react or respond to anything. Just let the evidence mount all by itself. It's being put out there for a reason, and it will hurt him in a divorce. Also, the images and content may give you some insight about his issue with the Mommy fixation. Be sure to find a way to save FB on a disc, page by page. I mean, now you don't have access to the photo. Therefore, he could never be faced with the following cross examination:

 

Is this you in the photograph?

When was this photo taken?

Who took it?

Who's camera was used?

Why did you post it on FB?

Who is in the photo with you?

Has the photo been cropped?

Is there some reason you don't want this other person to be visable?

Could this other person really be a man?

Did anyone respond when you posted this image? What did they say?

Why did you take the image off of FB?

Do you see anything strange about the photo?

Were you trying to make some sort of statement about your status with this image?

Is this image a work of art? If so, can you tell us the significance of the leg?

What does it mean when you are leaning on someone's leg, as opposed to say, as armchair? Are you relaxing? Are you posing? Is this this a portait?

 

You get the drift. Tobydog, it's up to you. I am totally overeducated, and I love to overanalyze things - especially visual art. All these questions make his photograph look pretty stupid, don't they?

Edited February 20, 2011 by Yasuandio

[2.50 a gallon]

I have the same thoughts as Yas.

 

He has abandoned his family, given up his role as father, and replaced it with his being a child.

[tobydog1]

Well, everything I have done in the last 5 months is what NOT to do. I realise that now. begging, pleading, then insulting him when he does something else, on and on like a game. Now he got the police again, my own h has to get the police to tell me to never contact him again? WTH has it all come to? I should have left him well alone to let this play out. Now I have stopped him getting his head sorted and plagued him for 5 months.

I still think it is all her doing, my h would never do that, never put a revolting pic up on the net, never. Where has he gone? He has gone......

There is something dodgy about that house and its occupants, very strange and I almost feel he is brainwashed. His mother does not recognise him either any more..... I have to now step out as I should have done and let it all play out........

 

Any thoughts? I am done with the drama. Dx

[Yasuandio]

Well, Tobydog, you just said it all.

 

Spin it like this. I'll make you feel better. It's against the law to make overtures with a minor.

 

OK. Forgive yourself for not following NC & the 180s, and for sending those emails and all other obsessive behaviors that "could be" viewed as harassment. I say "could be" because calling the cops on you "could be" viewed as overkill. I mean, you weren't stalking him, right? You didn't call 37 a day times did you?

 

Now that he's (or more likely she's) invoked a LEGAL NO CONTACT ORDER, you must stay away from him. This is a lot different than LS's NC. He (she) could be setting you up for a restraining order, where upon they can remove YOU from the family home. Stop now. Put a block on your phone. Accept no calls from him and make no calls.

 

When he gets you on the phone he knows how to push your buttons. There is a feature you can get for your phone that will stop his call. And I don't mean just turn off the ringtone - you are too addicted for that. Tobydog I had to do the same thing.

 

You are not alone in this type of behavior. I probably came close to getting in trouble myself by leaving too many voicemails late at night when I was depressed. But I think they were feeding my husband's ego, so he never reported me. OR, at some point during our upcoming trial (whenever) they may be played back for the judge to hear and I will be humilated to say the least. Once I got the parental controls, it really helped my obsession.

 

1. I don't check phone to see if he called. Cause he can't.

2. He can't get me by surprise and push my buttons.

3. I. Can't call him and make an idiot out of myself.

 

We don't want you put out, and we certainly don't want you in jail. But she does, and she's pulling the strings (parents are always responsible for what their children do). If any exchanges are necessary, get a friend to do it. Tell your son the truth, that you are in trouble now, and cannot go within 500 feet of him (this may not be exactly the case, but it will when a judge gets it - so honor it NOW). Then just let it play out. That's my advice. Hope it helps.

Edited February 23, 2011 by Yasuandio

[tobydog1]

Yas,

I agree about it being overkill, so did the Police woman. It was only 2 emails, no threats but I used some words such as cheap piece of meat, lowlife, disgusting man, fat legged old slapper, etc Which I don't think are that bad from my POV!

 

I no longer have his number but how can I stop my PC sending emails to him....apart from not pressing the keys!

 

Nothing is legal, just advice from the police to not contact him. I do suspect she is behind it, he is too soft or was but then again he has morphed into someone I no longer know.

 

But I will not let my son into that house, not if they are all into whatever and putting disgusting pics on FB. That is another thing, my ex would never do that.

Anyway the police woman agreed, she said she would not let her son into a house like that, a house of ill repute!

 

Not that he cares anyway, he forgot his birthday.

 

I saw my counsellor today, we talked about how 6 months ago we loved each other and now it has spiralled into hatred, bitterness and we are unable to even talk civiliy. well now I am unable to talk!

 

Always grateful for your input Yas!

 

Hope you are Ok today

D x

[Yasuandio]

There must be some kind of parental block for the computer. Go talk to a tech, and explain you need such a device to control who your kids email.

 

My husband doesn't know the computer so I don't have to worry about crossing that line. I will tell you Deb, if the cops showed up at my door, sympathetic or not, I would clean up my act LIKE FAST. It doesn't matter what perception the police woman may have shared with you. The fact of the matter is that you are on record with law enforcement for harassment, period.

 

If you continue this behavior, how do you think this will play out? If you end up in the slammer, he/they may get possession of the home and your son. Don't hang yourself with your own rope! Everytime you send an email they have documentation that he could use to substantiate a particular characterization of you. Did I convince you?

[tobydog1]

yes you did! Thanks

Deb x

 

I will never contact him again nor will I answer his calls.

[Yasuandio]

Done and done.

 

Bravo Honey, I'm sorry I had to be so blatent, my friends had to straighten me out the same way. Just give it time. "Hatred" and "Anger" are feelings, often stemming from pain, fear, and uncertainty. It's apathy you need to be concerned about. Let go, let everything run it's course. Be as cooperative as you possibly can be. You only can control yourself.

Edited February 23, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

Deb, look over at my last post on Separation Jungle by WorldGoneWrong. I think I may have found some good, free reading material for us. Chin up!

[tobydog1]

Yas,

Thanks, I will have a read of that

 

Another thought.....I sent the last email on Sunday yet they didn't call the police till Tues pm. I think she was pleading with him to do so, and it is all her instigation coz now I cannot call him and she gets him all to herself. He has to toe the line as he would have nowhere to go. He knows himself I could not have him back.

 

That is what I think....I must stop thinking.....

 

Dx

[tobydog1]

any ideas?

 

Come on you guys you are brill with ideas...... Need some sort of insight here.

 

Dx

[BlindRage]

any ideas?

 

Come on you guys you are brill with ideas...... Need some sort of insight here.

 

Dx

 

Here is a good insight... LEAVE HIM ALONE. It sucks and I know its really difficult. Who cares who influenced the police getting involved. Leave it be and don't contact the man. Well, unless its for the kids in which case strict LC, he forgot his sons birthday. Don't blame yourself or even get mad about it, he isn't the only person who stops wondering about their kids. Be a great and strong mother, focus on your kids, not what that man is doing. Forget him (make him pay child support though).

[just_some_guy]

Toby, you have to leave him alone, or you may very well face prosecution or jail.

 

On the other side of this, I have a strong, strong feeling there is a very different take on this story.

[Yasuandio]

Toby, you have to leave him alone, or you may very well face prosecution or jail.

 

On the other side of this, I have a strong, strong feeling there is a very different take on this story.

 

Listen Just-Some-Guy,

 

We, and I think I can speak for Deb as well, are VERY interested in your "very different take on this story."

 

Deb is desparately trying to simply comprehend this bizarre state of affairs. I could only offer her one possible theory. Please enlighten us with your point of view, we both anxiously await your response.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Yasuandio

[just_some_guy]

It is a public board. You get what you get in response, whether you like it or not. I am not attacking her, demeaning, flaming or trolling. If you don't like them, don't read my posts.

 

I get the feeling from td's posts that she is indeed, not just the poor victim in all of this. I've followed along from the beginning and her story has shifted in what seems to be an ever changing search for sympathy. It would appear from several of her posts that she has possibly engaged in physical abuse of her husband, to perhaps having stabbed him at one point, again garnered from things she has posted. One of the most disturbing posts she made included the unedited names of her ex and child, along with his claim of her having stabbed him.

 

Many times, she has mentioned emailing and texting him about things, specifically to harass him.

 

Over and over she tells us what a terrible father he is and how she is "reminding" him of that. Those bother me the most at a personal level, because there is a child in the midst of all of this.

 

She has now reported he's contacted the police to restrain her.

 

Putting things together, it would appear that TD is likely a troubled woman and has played a significant role as an instigator in a lot of significant drama and trouble. Husbands do not generally "ignore" their sons, then get restraining orders against their estranged wives without good cause.

 

He may indeed, be a piece of work himself. We don't know. But my gut feeling tells me, this disaster is not at all a one-sided work.

 

We only have TD's side to go on. Her estranged husband and child do not post their side of the story. From her words alone, the problems seem to run deep and significant.

 

To TD, honey, you need to get some local professional help. If you continue on the path you appear to be on, you are likely to have a problem with the law and do a lot of damage to your relationship with your child. You may wind up in jail or otherwise institutionalized if you ignore or violate a restraining order. Nothing good will come of that. You need to get a handle on your own behavior now.

Edited February 25, 2011 by just_some_guy

[tobydog1]

Just some guy,

 

I completely agree with you, I have totally been deranged about all this and I have played the Drama Queen and ruined any chance of getting him back. I suppose I just could not accept it is over. I have plagued him with mails and used his son. usually when he has done something to upset me. My son is happy and healthy and well loved by all and is doing well at school. His father pretty much abandoned us right from the start.

 

I should have left him alone from the beginning. I know that now after a lot of self evaluation lately. I am not looking for sympathy only answers to this disaster.

 

The stabbing was a drunken scuffle, I had keys in my hand. I was not stood there with a carving knife! And I am not violent you have to try to believe that please.

 

I am also having counselling and that seems to be helping me to come to terms with this. I just can't accept I have lost him. He was a great father and that is why I cannot understand what has happened.

Why he has gone to a grandma living in some dodgy house and putting porn pics on FB? Even the police woman agreed that is no place for a young child. He can see him if he does not take him there, of course he can.

 

Obviously anything is better than me! I must have damaged him greatly I know that now.

I have and never will contact him again, how can I block my computer from sending him emails?

 

Thanks for your input, I think it has really helped me see things from another view apart from my own selfish one.

Dx

[Yasuandio]

Blindrage, just as I suspected, your point of view was extremely enlighting and it appears that, too, it was very helpful to Deb.

 

In requesting elaboration from you, I certaing did not mean to be offensive in the least. On the contrary, I was totally anxious to hear more detail about your thoughts! Thank for providing the contextual information and sharing your thoughts. And, again, please accept my apologies for the post I made above in whatever way you find it inappropriate.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Yasuandio