lostandconfused512 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm not exactly where to begin. I've made a lot of mistakes and take everything to heart knowing that what I've done is wrong. My H and I have been having troubles for years, nothing outside of average things (unappreciated, lack of affection) but with small kids I overlooked it... even forgave him for not giving me anything one Christmas because "time got away from him". Almost 6 years ago my father passed away suddenly and life changed for me. I was Daddy's little girl, he was my hero, my rock and the one I looked to in life. I became lost and sank into a world of doing everything for everyone except myself. At work, I had a boss that I absolutely adored, he reminded me so much of my Dad and was just an all around wonderful person but obviously I'm married and he's also in a relationship. He moved on to a new position and we kept in touch. Things changed between us almost 2 years ago. The innocent flirting turned into more. I was so unhappy in my marriage and he was a man that showered me with love and gave me anything I wanted. He will do anything at all for me. I moved out of the house in Jan of 2010 but slowly I've gone back staying there on the weekends, I miss my house and the kids when they aren't with me. I justify it to him and myself, it's for the kids. Yes, the kids stay with me 2 nights a week and my townhouse and 1 night with the H then we're all together for the weekend. The townhouse is paid for by the other man. He has given me gifts, trips and so many things. I've tried to break it off. I tried in April of 2010 and he was horrible, told me I owed him over $10K then went into if he doesn't have me then why should he live. SO we fell back into the same patterns all over. In Oct 2010 I finally went to a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The Summons for Divorce is ready to be served to the H yet I'm hesitant. What if the other man isn't all I think he is. We've had some great times but when the kids get thrown in I could be in the same position as with the H. The OM offers financial stability and more love than I think I can handle. He's also 11 years older than me. I have been in counseling for over a year yet I still can't seem to be total honest with either of them. The guilt, anxiety and stress are boiling and I'm about to burst. I can't find the words for either of them. And honestly, I don't know what I want. The H is safe and secure yet the OM can give me that as well as many other things but shows many similar signs of the H typical behaviour. I feel like a horrible, cheating liar with no way out. Still can't say I chose me, just me and only me. Why is it so difficult?
ver13 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm not exactly where to begin. I've made a lot of mistakes and take everything to heart knowing that what I've done is wrong. My H and I have been having troubles for years, nothing outside of average things (unappreciated, lack of affection) but with small kids I overlooked it... even forgave him for not giving me anything one Christmas because "time got away from him". Almost 6 years ago my father passed away suddenly and life changed for me. I was Daddy's little girl, he was my hero, my rock and the one I looked to in life. I became lost and sank into a world of doing everything for everyone except myself. At work, I had a boss that I absolutely adored, he reminded me so much of my Dad and was just an all around wonderful person but obviously I'm married and he's also in a relationship. He moved on to a new position and we kept in touch. Things changed between us almost 2 years ago. The innocent flirting turned into more. I was so unhappy in my marriage and he was a man that showered me with love and gave me anything I wanted. He will do anything at all for me. I moved out of the house in Jan of 2010 but slowly I've gone back staying there on the weekends, I miss my house and the kids when they aren't with me. I justify it to him and myself, it's for the kids. Yes, the kids stay with me 2 nights a week and my townhouse and 1 night with the H then we're all together for the weekend. The townhouse is paid for by the other man. He has given me gifts, trips and so many things. I've tried to break it off. I tried in April of 2010 and he was horrible, told me I owed him over $10K then went into if he doesn't have me then why should he live. SO we fell back into the same patterns all over. In Oct 2010 I finally went to a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The Summons for Divorce is ready to be served to the H yet I'm hesitant. What if the other man isn't all I think he is. We've had some great times but when the kids get thrown in I could be in the same position as with the H. The OM offers financial stability and more love than I think I can handle. He's also 11 years older than me. I have been in counseling for over a year yet I still can't seem to be total honest with either of them. The guilt, anxiety and stress are boiling and I'm about to burst. I can't find the words for either of them. And honestly, I don't know what I want. The H is safe and secure yet the OM can give me that as well as many other things but shows many similar signs of the H typical behaviour. I feel like a horrible, cheating liar with no way out. Still can't say I chose me, just me and only me. Why is it so difficult? At some point you have to ask yourself when is it not about me, most of this sounds like it has to do with security issues. You know what nothing is garanted in this world if you can't be honest in counseling with your soon to be EH what makes you so sure that you won't be the same way later on with the NM. Your still reeling from your lose of your father that can take sometime to get over and the NM is older and more secure sounds liberating right? It's not you don't know him at all you just met him a little while ago. Are you willing to give up on your family just to try and find out something that you already know. Possesions will only be here while you are breathing by the legacy of your relationships will carry on well after you are gone. I'm not saying stay with someone you don't love anymore, but at least look at what you are doing and make sure it's for thr right reason's. Somethings once they are broken can never be put back together and your family relationships are one of those. If it has to be done then fine but do it for the right reason not for material gain, you can't take money with you when you step out of here but regret is a whole different issue.
neveragain1 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 In Oct 2010 I finally went to a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The Summons for Divorce is ready to be served to the H yet I'm hesitant. What if the other man isn't all I think he is. honestly, thats just too bad. you shouldn't be dangling your H by a string just because you fear the unknown. more than likely he isn't going to be what you think he is. Because right now he is your knight in shining armor because the relationship is new. but again, you don't dangle your H on a string because of your fears. set him free.
Author lostandconfused512 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 but again, you don't dangle your H on a string because of your fears. set him free. I have repeatedly tried to set my H free but he begs & pleads for me to try and I do but all things end up the same each and every time. Do I have security issues, I believe so. I want to set him free, I've tried but the guilt pulls me back in not because I want to be there but because I feel so terrible. How can I set him free when he wears me down emotionally? As for the NM yes the material things I can't take with me but he also makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the world. Although it gets smothering to a point. I try to say its too much but he gets upset and just wants me to know how much he loves me. I'm just so tired of living a double life and all the lies. Lying to family and friends, it's exhausting. I have trusted one friend with all of this, she's even spent time with NM and I. She knows EX and NM and thinks that NM is one of the best things that has happened to me. She like EX but he is very much a tense person, too intense for most to handle. He wasn't like this when we got together and I believe I have nutured this behaviour by always "controlling" everything. If I wasn't doing it, it wouldn't get done.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 First off, does your husband know about this other guy? I'm guessing he doesn't because, and I'm sorry to agree with the others, you are being EXTREMELY selfish. I read your post and it's all about me,me, me...... You won't cut your husband loose because you miss your house and your kids but yet you feel satisfied with that materialistic things the OM gives you. To quote, this man showers you with love and gives you ANYTHING YOU WANT, Your living in a townhome that HE'S PAYING FOR!!! This OM is not a good guy, He doesn't care about you or your marriage. If you think he does then why the hell do you feel the need to post here? Your life should be a bed of roses. Think what you want but, you are breaking your children's hearts. YOU are hurting them but YOU can't decide what you want to do. And sooner or later, they are gonna understand the truth, that you left their Dad for another man. Here's the thing, relationships that start out as an affair rarely ever last. Then where will you be? An Ex husband that doesn't like you because you cheated on him. Children that resent what you did because you cheated on them. AND you are, you're cheating them out of a full time mother to be with your lover. And what is the OM gonna do about it? Nothing. He got what he wanted and moved on leaving your life in ruin. You think I'm being over dramatic? Read some past posts from men and women that cheated. A lot of them do not end well at all. I would say stop playing games with your husband and children's lives. Tell them that you are leaving them for someone else and let you husband get on with his life and raise his children and maybe find a woman that will love him even with a mediocre job with a blue collared paycheck. He doesn't deserve this. Sorry, for being so blunt. Think of it as tough love.
Author lostandconfused512 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 I must admit, I was quite shocked at the last post and it stung... because I haven't thought of it the way it was presented. While I appreciate the honesty and I am seeking advice how to be strong with my place/decision. I don't want to hurt or ruin my kids or my H for that matter. I am a co-dependent person and I cannot break that in myself. I don't know entirely how to just be me. I take a step forward then take 10 steps back to please others.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I'm sorry if that stung, but I hope it was a wake up call to what your actions might be doing to others. Okay, you weren't happy, did you talk to your husband about this before hooking up with this OM? I mean REALLY talk to him like, " LOOK, I'm not happy. We need to fix this, we need to see a counselor or YOU ARE GONNA LOSE ME!" You married the guy, there had to be something there. If you can't fix what you have with your husband then divorce him. Let him go. You need to be honest with him and tell him there's someone else. I don't think he would be begging and pleading after that. But be prepared to see the worst kind of pain you can ever put a person through. Sorry, for the sting but, it's gonna happen. You might think that OM is your Prince Charming and he might be right now, but you said it yourself, you have control issues. What happens when he grows tired of that? He'll just move on and start being Prince Charming to someone else. He had no problem breaking up your marriage, so what's it to him to break up someone else's? Right now, you're in a fog. This fog is clouding over your judgement. I would suggest seeking individual counseling for yourself before you make any decisions and be COMPLETELY honest with the therapist about your situation. Again, sorry....but it is what it is.
Author lostandconfused512 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Yes 3 years ago before anything was even remotely close to happening with OM I went to my H, told him our marriage wasn't working that we were both miserable and I couldn't take it. We went to counseling for a bit but all the old habits came back. He didn't take any of what I was saying seriously. Even when I moved out, he didn't really take it serious. I wasn't until October when I said I wanted a divorce that he snapped out of his denial. We went back to counseling but I admit I was there half heartedly. I was doing it because that was my family's expectation of me that I needed to try one more time. I was in individual counseling also at the same time, I told her everything but it was the same message to me- tell the OM no more. I can't end it fully with H unless OM is no longer around. I appreciate the brutal honesty, I need to hear it because it is a wake up call.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Your therapist was ABSOLUTELY right. Marriage counseling will not work unless OM is out of the picture! COMPLETELY out of the picture. As in no contact whatsoever! You have to commit yourself to try and resolve the issues you have inside your marriage. OR commit yourself to letting your husband go. No two ways about it. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm totally pro-marriage. In most cases, I believe that there are things that can be fixed. Now if he was a fall down drunk that beat you up all the time. Get the hell out! But, if it's a case of just being unhappy, unwanted, not loved enough....those things can be fixed if both parties agree to work hard at it and give it 100%. It sounds like your husband had his wake up call. What about you? OM isn't what you need. Your friend is wrong. If he was soooo great you would be preaching from the rooftops! Taking him around to meet your parents; brothers and sisters. Walking down the street with him taking your arm and holding your head up high. But, I have a feeling this isn't the case. This relationship is hidden and is in the dark. Why? I think you know the answer.....
neveragain1 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I have repeatedly tried to set my H free but he begs & pleads for me to try and I do but all things end up the same each and every time. Do I have security issues, I believe so. I want to set him free, I've tried but the guilt pulls me back in not because I want to be there but because I feel so terrible. How can I set him free when he wears me down emotionally? thing is, people who are in pain don't know the first thing about what is good for them. I didn't. Although I ended up divorcing my wife, she would have done me a favor just to file for divorce no matter how much I wouldn't have thought it was in my best interest. why? because I wasn't in my right frame of mind. I was hurt, scared, angry, all the emotions that go with it. A better life awaits your husband, he just doesn't realize it.
ver13 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Well now that you have heard what others have to say about what u are so set on doing have you told your H what the plan is yet? How about the babies have u told them about who their nu step dad is going to be? How does the OM feel about them is he ready to take on the responsbility I mean he's about to be where your H is right now. Always having to think about more then just you and him etc...
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