Complicated jealousy/incomplete disclosure situation

[reservoirdog1]

Hopefully this won't be too long...

 

I've been with my GF for nearly eight months. Overall, things have been fantastic. We click on so many levels (despite me being 11 years older), we have amazing sexual chemistry, we've reached the point where we can just "hang out" in a very chill and fun way. Not to be sappy, but I've felt for a few months now that "she's the woman who's come into my life and made me realize why it never worked with anybody else." I love her very much, and she loves me. I feel like I've found "the one".

 

However, it seems that right now, our relationship is on the edge of a knife.

 

The reason is, there's been one issue between us that's reared its head several times. I'm simplifying here, but it's best described as "Facebook jealousy". She's become very jealous about one of my female Facebook friends (who, as of this past weekend, I have de-friended). I'm going to refer to her as "FFF". I've known FFF for more than ten years (she used to date a friend of mine who I now haven't seen in years), and she's part of a mutual circle of acquaintances.

 

During the first couple of weeks, when GF and I were dating but hadn't formalized things, I exchanged a few flirty messages with FFF. That didn't last long; GF and I became serious after those couple of weeks and I didn't flirt with FFF after that. FFF did a bit more of that through Facebook (2-3 kind of flirty postings on my wall), but I didn't reciprocate. We work in related industries so our paths have crossed twice since GF and I became a couple, but everything was professional. FFF did invite me for lunch on one occasion during the summer, but I didn't go. (GF thinks that I told her back then that I DID go to lunch with FFF and that I'm now denying it happened, but I honestly didn't go, or tell her I did. GF is simply mistaken about this.) FFF also invited me and my GF to a potluck at her home in the early fall, which we didn't go to. In recent months, as I said, FFF has posted a few kind-of flirty posts on my Facebook wall; GF didn't like that. I saw it as harmless and low-level, and not registering much on the scale of disrespecting my relationship with my GF; GF saw it another way. My failing in that respect, admittedly, was I didn't de-friend FFF then or otherwise shut that down more actively in some way. I've now defriended her.

 

Nothing has ever happened between FFF and me beyond the kind of thing I've just described, either before or since I met GF -- we haven't dated, kissed, or slept together. The only time we really got together socially, just FFF and me, was a few weeks before I met GF. We met for a coffee, and that's it; a couple of weeks earlier we'd run into each other through work, and that was how the interaction and FB friendship started. Prior to that, I hadn't seen or spoken to FFF in at least a few years.

 

Anyway, GF and I have maintained a general policy of not keeping secrets from each other. I have her email/FB passwords and she has mine.

 

The problem which has just arisen is that GF has, by her own admission, been feeling insecure lately (she also suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, and where we live it's cold and rainy during the winter). And she's been going through my email. When she and I got serious, I deleted all the Facebook messages between FFF and me; however, I forgot to delete the email notifications I got of those Facebook messages. GF read them recently (I'd forgotten they were there, buried in my email inbox from months ago), and they fuelled her feelings of insecurity.

 

Right now she feels like I've not been totally truthful with her about what happened with FFF and when. When we talked about it on Saturday, I outlined it for her as best I could from memory, though it evidently wasn't totally accurate because the email notifications whose presence I'd forgotten about change the timing slightly.

 

As I said, I've not pursued or flirted with FFF in any way since GF and I became serious. But now GF feels like "the kind of person she doesn't want to be -- the jealous girlfriend" and thinks we need to break up before things get really confrontational and awful between us. It didn't help anything that I was battling a fever last night and fell asleep early, GF called and texted needing some assurance, and I didn't respond because I was asleep.

 

There's one other component to this, which is a definite failing on my part. Since the beginning, GF and I have both been of the view that there's nothing wrong with either of us being friends with people we've previously been romantically involved with, as long as those people aren't trying to undermine our relationship. She has guy friends, FB and otherwise, that she's been involved with/dated/had sex with in the past. I have female friends, FB and otherwise, same thing.

 

Anyway, at the time GF and I met, I was a few months out from a previous relationship which had been kind of on-again, off-again. (I'll call her XGF.) When things ended with XGF, we didn't speak for about a month (long story), after which we resumed contact at her instigation, wanting to be friends. This resumption was before I met GF. XGF hasn't flirted with me, tried to undermine my relationship with GF, or anything else. Contact between us has been very infrequent; GF knows about her.

 

In the early fall, XGF asked me to lunch to catch up. The occasion was that she's a customer of my company as well, and she was coming by our office anyway. We went to lunch, no problems, nothing untoward at all. I told her about my GF, we talked about XGF's daughter and their recent trip to Mexico.

 

My failing was that I didn't tell GF about this lunch, and I should have. Why didn't I tell her? That's hard to answer. I think I knew intellectually that GF would probably be okay with it, as long as I told her; at the same time however, things between XGF and I had ended early that same year, and I guess I felt like it was "too close" or something. No remaining unresolved feelings or anything like that. The lunch wouldn't have happened if XGF hadn't suggested it (i.e. I wouldn't have extended the invitation). I went because she asked me.

 

Anyway, GF recently found out about this when looking at my emails, and I think that's been the spark that has put us where we are right now.

 

So, right now, GF thinks we should break up. I haven't a clue what to do, or how to fix this. This has turned out to be very long and convoluted. Does anybody have any thoughts or wisdom? I don't want to lose GF.

 

Help!!!

[reservoirdog1]

Lots of views and no responses... anybody? Thanks...

[cybersister]

I think that your girlfriend cares very deeply about you; that she says she wants to break up because she's afraid of getting hurt.

And that you are open and aware enough to make a very clear commitment to how you will deal with such issues in the future, if she will give you a chance. And then, as time goes on there will not be any recent exes to have to wonder whether or not to mention seeing them.

It would be such a shame to split up when you have such a good thing going.

Paint for her a picture of how you want things to be between you and how much you love her, and I would imagine she will relent- after all she does see that the problem is more her insecurity rather than what you have actually done.

And we insecure ones really just want reassurance that we are loved.

[CanadianGirl83]

 

Facebook jealousy? More like "Facebook disrespect". If a friend knows you're in a relationship. Why was she posting facebook messages that were flirty? Isn't that kind of disrespectful towards your relationship?

 

Maybe your girlfriend hurts that you are calling her jealous as opposed to standing up for the relationship and putting an end to someone that it obviously pursuing you?

 

Maybe your GF hurts that in the early stages of dating when she was walking around with stars in her eyes thinking you're the most amazing thing that ever happened to her and couldn't get her out of her mind, you, while at the same time you were still flirting with other girls?

 

You have defriended her, but have you cut off contact or just made a show of it to appease your girlfriend?

 

Sounds like you deleted all the incriminating messages conveniently before giving your GF access, but overlooked the notifications.

 

I think your GF feels like fundamentally the first rush of emotion and being in love was a lie because you obviously didn't feel the same way in the beginning if you were still carrying on with other girls and keeping your options open.

 

Were you honest about on-again off again relationship with XGF from the start or did you keep the existence of XGF a secret from your GF? Did GF only accidentally stumble upon the existence of XGF?

 

It sounds like you didn't adhere to the not keeping secrets foundation that the relationship trust was based on.

 

I think your GF is hurt that you ultimately made her the bad guy for finding out you lied then calling her insecure, jealous etc.

 

From everything that happened maybe she had every right to feel insecure in the relationship?

 

I think your GF doesn't trust you anymore because ultimately you decieved her and instead of coming clean she found out because you neglected to delete the evidence.

 

I think your GF is hurt and upset that you made her fall head over heels in love with you and now ripped the carpet out from underneath her.

 

I think you should question whether you really love her or just the idea of her. Do you really have time for her in your life? Or is she just a highlighter to fill in the blanks in your life that you haven't managed to fill up with other activities and people.

 

Personally, I think your relationship is over. You disrespected her, betrayed her trust, and if she has any respect for herself she would leave.

 

Did you even say sorry? Like really say sorry? Or just wrote her a long email justifying yourself?

 

Did you make time for her today because she was still hurt and wanted to see you and missed you and need you to affirm that the relationship was okay? Or did you bail on her because you were "sick" yet 2minutes earlier said you'd be willing to attend three hour activity with your friends because they asked you to and they needed you?

 

 

Maybe she needed you too but she's just not that important.