ooPiaoo Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 [sIZE=2]I first got into this 13 months ago and before then would never have thought in a million years that I would some day end up a "mistress". I was at kind of a vulnerable place in my life and he was handsome, flattering and engaging. I knew he was married but somehow when he kissed me the first time it just felt kind of thrilling instead of wrong. In the beginning I only intended it to be a physical thing, not an emotional thing. It was sort of just a convenient way for me to "get mine" without having the baggage, commitment and effort required that comes with a boyfriend. I don't know how many people start out like this but needless to say this isn't how it stayed. Fast forward 5-6 months and surprise, I was in love with him and struggling with the fact that he is married and never going to be mine. Here is where most of the pain started although to be honest it's been pretty heart-wrenching the whole way through. After two more months of rollercoaster emotions, trying to tell myself that I was okay with the fact that he was married and that being the OW was good enough for me, I finally had to fess up to myself. It was not okay, and it was not good enough. I signed up for a dating site and decided to get the hell out of dodge for two months. When I finally came back he was a bit of a mess - at this point he said that my absence had made him realize how much he'd missed me and that he had realized he was in love with me. Wow! Best feeling on the planet, since he had never told me that before. But I had just started dating a SG I was excited about and I didn't want to get back on the rollercoaster. But when he started talking about divorce I of course got sucked back in. What followed was a blissful month of us both falling in love much deeper than before. When I look back, what I felt for him last year was really sort of superficial and not based on much more than sex. But suddenly we were spending hours together, seeing each other every day and doing normal-people stuff instead of just having mind-blowing sex all the time. It felt like being a couple, finally. We would go out together, and I even met a couple of his friends. He talked to a divorce lawyer, started IC and basically showed all the signs of wanting to go through with it. It's just.....after reading the posts on other websites I am deeply, deeply skeptical of any MM's supposed resolve to get divorced. I know it is very hard for him to consider doing so because of the financial cost and the kids involved. So even though he really seems serious about it, after a little while I just felt as though I could no longer handle the waiting and for the first time, I started getting jealous of BW. The thought that she slept next to him every night while I never had just turned me green with envy. So I finally told him I couldn't do this anymore....I couldn't handle the waiting. Meanwhile, SG is still in the wings and I just don't want to be an other woman anymore. MM actually took it pretty well, saying that he didn't want to hold me back but he was getting divorced anyway and that he would call me when he had a piece of paper. I cried, he said he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone and that he felt confident we would end up together some day, and even if we didn't maybe it's better this way because now he will be getting divorced for himself, not for me. I've never been able to maintain NC before, and it's only been a few days and I already miss him like a burning hole in my heart. I don't know what to make of the situation and whether to think we have any hope or not. For the record, he is a truly amazing person. We've never had a fight. He is just wonderful, calm, level-headed and very, very affectionate. He has always been honest with me, even when it's stuff I didn't necessarily want to hear. I just need to be able to talk about it. For obvious reasons I can't tell any of my friends.[/sIZE]
Owl Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 So what has he actually DONE to divorce/seperate? Filed? Moved out? Told his wife that he is leaving? Words are irrelevent...what has truly CHANGED that shows you that he means what he is telling you?
Author ooPiaoo Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 So what has he actually DONE to divorce/seperate? Filed? Moved out? Told his wife that he is leaving? Words are irrelevent...what has truly CHANGED that shows you that he means what he is telling you? Yep...my thoughts exactly, hence my attempt to go NC. The way he has behaved since I got back IS totally different, but without some concrete lifestyle changes it's not enough for me. I guess I'm crossing my fingers but at the same time guarding my heart in case nothing comes of it. Meanwhile, I really don't think things are going to work out with SG. It's a shame, it would have made it a little easier to move on.
greengoddess Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Were you cheating on the single guy with the married man?
Author ooPiaoo Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Were you cheating on the single guy with the married man? No, SG and I are not in a relationship, just seeing each other, and I have not been sleeping with MM although we have spent a lot of time together in the past month. I'm not a TOTAL douchebag. Just mostly Edited February 16, 2011 by ooPiaoo
greengoddess Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 No, SG and I are not in a relationship, just seeing each other, and I have not been sleeping with MM although we have spent a lot of time together in the past month. I'm not a TOTAL douchebag. Just mostly Does single guy know you are "seeing" someone else?
lostandconfused512 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm not exactly where to begin. I've made a lot of mistakes and take everything to heart knowing that what I've done is wrong. My H and I have been having troubles for years, nothing outside of average things (unappreciated, lack of affection) but with small kids I overlooked it... even forgave him for not giving me anything one Christmas because "time got away from him". Almost 6 years ago my father passed away suddenly and life changed for me. I was Daddy's little girl, he was my hero, my rock and the one I looked to in life. I became lost and sank into a world of doing everything for everyone except myself. At work, I had a boss that I absolutely adored, he reminded me so much of my Dad and was just an all around wonderful person but obviously I'm married and he's also in a relationship. He moved on to a new position and we kept in touch. Things changed between us almost 2 years ago. The innocent flirting turned into more. I was so unhappy in my marriage and he was a man that showered me with love and gave me anything I wanted. He will do anything at all for me. I moved out of the house in Jan of 2010 but slowly I've gone back staying there on the weekends, I miss my house and the kids when they aren't with me. I justify it to him and myself, it's for the kids. Yes, the kids stay with me 2 nights a week and my townhouse and 1 night with the H then we're all together for the weekend. The townhouse is paid for by the other man. He has given me gifts, trips and so many things. I've tried to break it off. I tried in April of 2010 and he was horrible, told me I owed him over $10K then went into if he doesn't have me then why should he live. SO we fell back into the same patterns all over. In Oct 2010 I finally went to a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The Summons for Divorce is ready to be served to the H yet I'm hesitant. What if the other man isn't all I think he is. We've had some great times but when the kids get thrown in I could be in the same position as with the H. The OM offers financial stability and more love than I think I can handle. He's also 11 years older than me. I have been in counseling for over a year yet I still can't seem to be total honest with either of them. The guilt, anxiety and stress are boiling and I'm about to burst. I can't find the words for either of them. And honestly, I don't know what I want. The H is safe and secure yet the OM can give me that as well as many other things but shows many similar signs of the H typical behaviour. I feel like a horrible, cheating liar with no way out. Still can't say I chose me, just me and only me. Why is it so difficult?
Brokenlady Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm not exactly where to begin. I've made a lot of mistakes and take everything to heart knowing that what I've done is wrong. My H and I have been having troubles for years, nothing outside of average things (unappreciated, lack of affection) but with small kids I overlooked it... even forgave him for not giving me anything one Christmas because "time got away from him". Almost 6 years ago my father passed away suddenly and life changed for me. I was Daddy's little girl, he was my hero, my rock and the one I looked to in life. I became lost and sank into a world of doing everything for everyone except myself. You should really start your own thread.... At work, I had a boss that I absolutely adored, he reminded me so much of my Dad and was just an all around wonderful person but obviously I'm married and he's also in a relationship. He moved on to a new position and we kept in touch. This is usually a Very Bad sign. Things changed between us almost 2 years ago. The innocent flirting turned into more. I was so unhappy in my marriage and he was a man that showered me with love and gave me anything I wanted. He will do anything at all for me. I moved out of the house in Jan of 2010 but slowly I've gone back staying there on the weekends, I miss my house and the kids when they aren't with me. I justify it to him and myself, it's for the kids. Yes, the kids stay with me 2 nights a week and my townhouse and 1 night with the H then we're all together for the weekend. The townhouse is paid for by the other man. He has given me gifts, trips and so many things. I've tried to break it off. I tried in April of 2010 and he was horrible, told me I owed him over $10K then went into if he doesn't have me then why should he live. SO we fell back into the same patterns all over. You're stringing along both your H and the OM. That's so unfair. But this OM sounds like he's got some serious MH issues. You really ought to end it with him no matter what you decide with your marriage. That's Dangerous stuff there with a capital D. In Oct 2010 I finally went to a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The Summons for Divorce is ready to be served to the H yet I'm hesitant. What if the other man isn't all I think he is. We've had some great times but when the kids get thrown in I could be in the same position as with the H. The OM offers financial stability and more love than I think I can handle. He's also 11 years older than me. I have been in counseling for over a year yet I still can't seem to be total honest with either of them. Are you sure you're talking about love? It sounds more like need, desperation, control. And you sound overwhelmed by it. Are you really prepared to take care of this OM man-child and your actual children? Frankly, this guy sounds worse than your H. The guilt, anxiety and stress are boiling and I'm about to burst. I can't find the words for either of them. And honestly, I don't know what I want. The H is safe and secure yet the OM can give me that as well as many other things but shows many similar signs of the H typical behaviour. I feel like a horrible, cheating liar with no way out. Still can't say I chose me, just me and only me. Why is it so difficult? Perhaps you need to take a hiatus from both of them for awhile to sort things out. But honestly, the worst you've said about your H is he's not thoughtful and inattentive, what youve indicated about OM could be potentially dangerous. That should make your choice easier.
lostandconfused512 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I actually did end up posting this to another thread. Being new to this forum I posted this first not realizing that I shouldn't have done so. I appreciate the brutal honesty. My H is a good man but he is very much a self preservationist. He comes first no matter what is going on, even before our kids. He doesn't think of others just himself. I take care of everything around the house, still do.
Author ooPiaoo Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 I actually did end up posting this to another thread. Being new to this forum I posted this first not realizing that I shouldn't have done so. I appreciate the brutal honesty. My H is a good man but he is very much a self preservationist. He comes first no matter what is going on, even before our kids. He doesn't think of others just himself. I take care of everything around the house, still do. It's okay...I don't mind you sharing my thread I know how difficult a place to be this is as I have been struggling with it for 9 months now with nobody to talk to. Lost and Confused - I would highly recommend a book called "Why Good People Have Affairs". I read it specifically to try to gain some insight into the emotional workings of my MM, and it shares a lot of good advice for people in your exact situation - trying to decide which way to go when you seem absolutely torn and can no longer do both. It also refrains from being judgmental one way or the other. However, just to interject my own .02, based on the brief paragraphs you've posted here I would have to agree with others that it sounds like your H is the more stable one. I don't know if it's possible to fall back in love with someone once apathy sets in (I myself have never been able to do it), but a couple things about your MM set off warning bells - if I read correctly, he tries to financially manipulate you into staying (my ex-boyfriend used to do this - run for the freaking hills) and even goes so far as to threaten suicide to control your behavior? Yeesh. That is NOT good and I'm afraid if you go down that path you may end up in a situation where your life does not belong to you anymore and everything you do is overseen by someone else. Maybe it's just me but I bolt and run at the barest sign of a control freak/manipulator. At this point I'm actually wondering if you might be best off with neither of them - but is there any way you can see possibly falling back in love with your H? Have you two tried counseling?
carrie999 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I'm not exactly where to begin. I've made a lot of mistakes and take everything to heart knowing that what I've done is wrong. My H and I have been having troubles for years, nothing outside of average things (unappreciated, lack of affection) but with small kids I overlooked it... even forgave him for not giving me anything one Christmas because "time got away from him". Almost 6 years ago my father passed away suddenly and life changed for me. I was Daddy's little girl, he was my hero, my rock and the one I looked to in life. I became lost and sank into a world of doing everything for everyone except myself. At work, I had a boss that I absolutely adored, he reminded me so much of my Dad and was just an all around wonderful person but obviously I'm married and he's also in a relationship. He moved on to a new position and we kept in touch. Things changed between us almost 2 years ago. The innocent flirting turned into more. I was so unhappy in my marriage and he was a man that showered me with love and gave me anything I wanted. He will do anything at all for me. I moved out of the house in Jan of 2010 but slowly I've gone back staying there on the weekends, I miss my house and the kids when they aren't with me. I justify it to him and myself, it's for the kids. Yes, the kids stay with me 2 nights a week and my townhouse and 1 night with the H then we're all together for the weekend. The townhouse is paid for by the other man. He has given me gifts, trips and so many things. I've tried to break it off. I tried in April of 2010 and he was horrible, told me I owed him over $10K then went into if he doesn't have me then why should he live. SO we fell back into the same patterns all over. In Oct 2010 I finally went to a lawyer and handed over a retainer. The Summons for Divorce is ready to be served to the H yet I'm hesitant. What if the other man isn't all I think he is. We've had some great times but when the kids get thrown in I could be in the same position as with the H. The OM offers financial stability and more love than I think I can handle. He's also 11 years older than me. I have been in counseling for over a year yet I still can't seem to be total honest with either of them. The guilt, anxiety and stress are boiling and I'm about to burst. I can't find the words for either of them. And honestly, I don't know what I want. The H is safe and secure yet the OM can give me that as well as many other things but shows many similar signs of the H typical behaviour. I feel like a horrible, cheating liar with no way out. Still can't say I chose me, just me and only me. Why is it so difficult? First of all, this is a separate thread. This has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand. Second of all, all you have discussed is money. I rarely say this on this board, because I prefer to be non-judgmental as a rule, but you are only talking about what's in it for you.
Author ooPiaoo Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Holy GOD, it's been barely two days and I am not okay. I can barely handle going through the day without talking to him. I started writing letters to him in a journal so that it feel like I'm talking to him (even though I'm not) - but I've been a molecule away from texting him all day. Help!
anne1707 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 First of all, this is a separate thread. This has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand. Second of all, all you have discussed is money. I rarely say this on this board, because I prefer to be non-judgmental as a rule, but you are only talking about what's in it for you. This from someone who has started a thread on Infidelity to find out how much alimony the MM would have to pay his wife if they divorced Pot, kettle.....
woinlove Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Holy GOD, it's been barely two days and I am not okay. I can barely handle going through the day without talking to him. I started writing letters to him in a journal so that it feel like I'm talking to him (even though I'm not) - but I've been a molecule away from texting him all day. Help! Hang in there, ooPiaoo. You clearly explained that you don't want to be an OW, having him go home to his W. Getting sucked back in just ends up making you feel bad. So, stay strong. Vent and post here, hit the gym, write it out, whatever works at moving you step by step to a happier self that won't settle for less than you deserve.
lilbunny Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Welcome to LS, sorry it isn't in happier circumstances. Hard as it sounds there is only one way to find out if he means it or not, and that is wait and see. If he follows up what he says then you could make a go of it, if he doesn't then you know where you stand and if you don't want to be an other woman then you can move on knowing you gave him every chance. I couldn't handle being in that situation either, it was pulling me to pieces. It is so hard to make the break, but it does get easier, trust me on this one. Don't put your life on hold, waiting for him to make his mind up, take care of yourself.
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