Not moving=not loving them enough?

[HeavenOrHell]

It's so sad when LDR's break up purely because of the distance and neither feel able to give up their lives locally to move to be with the other. But I don't agree that it means the love wasn't strong enough or that they weren't necessarily right for each the after all (although obviously not every LDR will work out as couples won't be compatible enough in other ways, same as local r/ships don't all work out).

I feel very strongly that my partner is the person I want to share my life with now, but I also do not feel able to leave the rest of my life behind in the country I live in, he *is* the most important person and 'thing' in my life, but it would not feel right for me to give up my friends, work and home for him/us, I feel if I moved to his country I would miss what I had left behind as he is not the *only* important thing in my life, I feel I would be focussed too much on him and be too dependent on him if I moved there, the thought scares me, I worry I could not build my life up there, it has taken me a long time to build up my life to a place I am happy with (I suffer with anxiety and depression). I don't adapt well to change.

I am lucky as he will move here in time, as he says I have more of a life here than he does there, and he is much more adaptable than me.

It does worry me if he changed his mind as that would be the end for us. But it would upset me if people were to imply that my love for him wasn't strong enough if I'm not prepared to move there. Although (double standards here) I would feel his love for me wasn't strong enough if he didn't move here, because he doesn't have the same fears about moving as I have, and he doesn't have close friends to leave behind either, he could do his current job from home, whereas I do several jobs and would miss them all, he says he's not happy there, whereas I'm happy here.

So what do you think? If you're not prepared to move to be with your partner what are your reasons and does it mean they're not the right person for you, or does it upset you if people say that to you?

[lonely79]

I had some of the same thoughts when I read that other thread. I am currently in a situation where neither of us can move right now, he says he doesnt want to move back here, as he literally JUST moved to where he is now, and I have custody arrangements to worry about, which make it difficult to move without a lot of work. It *can* be done but it would just be a big hurdle to get over and I feel like we would have to be at the point where we were getting married for it to be worth all that trouble (courts, new agreements with the ex, etc, not to mention actually finding a new job, finding a place etc).

 

BUT, that doesnt mean that he's not right for me and that we don't want to be together, because we DO!! a LOT!!! in 6 months, we could be sure we want to get married and he could move back! OR we could get married and we could go back to court to change custody of my daughter, who knows. but right NOW now, we have no solution. sometimes thats REALLY REALLY hard and it leads to the thought of "whats the point". and if someone said it to me, i would be hurt and sad. I could see us breaking up over having no solution to our distance, even if that was the ONLY reason...i can see how it could happen, and it would be really really sad. its just very hard to not have an end in sight in an LDR.

Edited February 16, 2011 by lonely79

[denise_xo]

I think it's important to differentiate between practical circumstances and strength of emotions. I'm not in an LDR but ahve been in the past and my partner is from a country/part of the world which is different from mine. It's pretty challenging/impossible for both of us to imagine living in the other's country 'forever'. There's the question of what kind of work we could get, impact on careers, social and cultural differences, racism, each of us being far away from friends and family, having to learn new languages etc etc. Those are real issues that affects a relationship in very concrete ways, and in ways where it's too superficial to just say that 'love conquers all' or 'if he or she really loves me, s/he make this sacrifice', etc. For a relationship to be healthy, both individuals in it have to be reasonably healthy and happy with their circumstances.

[carhill]

TBH, I'd be more concerned about the anxiety and depression than the distance. That, and an admitted difficulty in adapting to change make for some formidable relationship hurdles, LDR or not, as life and circumstances are ever-changing and ever-evolving.

 

Friends and family are a phone call and a day's plane ride away, or less.

 

 

I've dated women a continent away and would have no issues immersing and learning a new language and culture. I would expect my partner to feel exactly the same way, as this would indicate a synergy of psychological perspective on the world, its people, culture and mobility. The women I have dated non-locally were/are of that perspective and were/are well-traveled in their own right.

 

Have you visited your partner in his country? If so, how did that go?

 

Lastly, I would more likely see the issue as one of compatibility versus adequate/inadequate/disparate levels of 'love'. You can love greatly but be incompatible due to a number of factors. Each couple determines these factors for themselves. Hope it works out

[madjac74]

The worst part for me is that I am totally ready to be the one to move. I like this area and most of my family is here but I have lived here my entire life and am starting to resent it. I am totally ready for a fresh new start in an area that is full of opportunities and better weather and to spend it with someone I have really bonded with and love more than anyone in my life. The only thing holding me here is my children. It always makes me feel like Im blaming them when thats the reason but there is no way I blame them. They really are everything to me and Id sacrifice anything for their happiness... even being with the woman I love

[aerogurl87]

I don't think not being able to move means you don't love each other enough. In fact, you may love each other a whole lot and still not be able to move for multiple reasons. It could be family or job obligations, property ownership, emotional ties to your city, or just not liking the place your partner lives. None of that means you love each other any less, it just means your circumstances aren't conducive to ending the distance. Personally I've always been a believer in the whole "love is not enough" mantra when it comes to relationships.

 

I loved my ex beyond comprehension but I still wasn't willing to move to be with him up in Boston, and I sure wasn't going to become a military wife and move around constantly as he got restationed somewhere. So in the end we were just incompatible when it came to our ideal living situation. Didn't mean I loved him any less, but the relationship wasn't moving in the same path for us location wise. Now with my boyfriend I love where he lives and me moving there makes sense on a lot of levels. That's why I'm moving to be with him. Not only because I love him, but because moving would actually make me happy.

[folieadeux]

I don't think not moving equates to not loving your SO enough either. As already mentioned, there are a myriad of reasons why things don't work out and why one or both people cannot move at a certain time -- or not at all.

 

I realize that my SO and I are in a very unique situation when compared to most LDR couples I see. We're both more than willing and able to relocate. I will however most likely be the one to do so because the only thing that's keeping me here now is my career, which I will hopefully be able to easily transfer. Neither one of us has many roots where we currently reside and could easily travel back and forth to visit family/friends when necessary. The area I live now is a terrible place to settle down and is not conducive to our lifestyles. I'm sure I'm crazy for saying this, but our LDR has its advantages in that it allowed me to really get to know another area really well prior to moving. I prefer his area to mine and, if we had to, are even willing to move to another neutral location if we find one in the meantime that may suit our needs a bit better.

 

HOH, I wouldn't stress about it so much. Your partner already told you he was more than willing to move and has maintained that stance for a long time now.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's ok, I'm not stressing out about it as such, it's more that when I read other threads where moving isn't possible and then some of the responses are that they weren't the right match/weren't meant to be together, it implies that the love isn't strong enough, and I feel concerned for the couple in question as I wouldn't want them to feel bad about it. I know in my own situation that the reason I'm not moving isn't because my love isn't strong enough.

 

 

I don't think not moving equates to not loving your SO enough either. As already mentioned, there are a myriad of reasons why things don't work out and why one or both people cannot move at a certain time -- or not at all.

 

I realize that my SO and I are in a very unique situation when compared to most LDR couples I see. We're both more than willing and able to relocate. I will however most likely be the one to do so because the only thing that's keeping me here now is my career, which I will hopefully be able to easily transfer. Neither one of us has many roots where we currently reside and could easily travel back and forth to visit family/friends when necessary. The area I live now is a terrible place to settle down and is not conducive to our lifestyles. I'm sure I'm crazy for saying this, but our LDR has its advantages in that it allowed me to really get to know another area really well prior to moving. I prefer his area to mine and, if we had to, are even willing to move to another neutral location if we find one in the meantime that may suit our needs a bit better.

 

HOH, I wouldn't stress about it so much. Your partner already told you he was more than willing to move and has maintained that stance for a long time now.

[HeavenOrHell]

Exactly! You explained it better than I could.

 

 

I don't think not being able to move means you don't love each other enough. In fact, you may love each other a whole lot and still not be able to move for multiple reasons. It could be family or job obligations, property ownership, emotional ties to your city, or just not liking the place your partner lives. None of that means you love each other any less, it just means your circumstances aren't conducive to ending the distance. Personally I've always been a believer in the whole "love is not enough" mantra when it comes to relationships.

 

I loved my ex beyond comprehension but I still wasn't willing to move to be with him up in Boston, and I sure wasn't going to become a military wife and move around constantly as he got restationed somewhere. So in the end we were just incompatible when it came to our ideal living situation. Didn't mean I loved him any less, but the relationship wasn't moving in the same path for us location wise. Now with my boyfriend I love where he lives and me moving there makes sense on a lot of levels. That's why I'm moving to be with him. Not only because I love him, but because moving would actually make me happy.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw It doesn't come across like you're blaming your kids for not being able to move, it's just fact that that is the reason. I can't think of a tougher situation in an LDR than this to be honest.

 

The worst part for me is that I am totally ready to be the one to move. I like this area and most of my family is here but I have lived here my entire life and am starting to resent it. I am totally ready for a fresh new start in an area that is full of opportunities and better weather and to spend it with someone I have really bonded with and love more than anyone in my life. The only thing holding me here is my children. It always makes me feel like Im blaming them when thats the reason but there is no way I blame them. They really are everything to me and Id sacrifice anything for their happiness... even being with the woman I love

[HeavenOrHell]

This was more of a general thread than being particularly about my situation.

Friends being a day's travel away to me isn't enough for me, fact is I wouldn't see them frequently like I do now, I need/want them in my life as well as needing/wanting my partner in my life, and my work. I also would not give up my house easily because in my situation I would not get another chance of a house again and if I were to move in with him and give my house up and we split then I would be homeless, whereas at the moment I have my own house for life.

I'm working on the anxiety and depression, for example I couldn't get on a train before, yet alone go abroad, which I've done now, twice, to see him, it went really well both times, met his parents last weekend which was really nice

My only hurdle in this r/ship has been my (understandable) jealousy over the amount of time he spends with his ex, and we're working on that one,

I can adapt to some situations, we all have to adapt to situations beyond our control, it's just I don't find it as easy as he does, I've adapted to life without my ex after 18 years.

I'm hopeful we will work out

 

TBH, I'd be more concerned about the anxiety and depression than the distance. That, and an admitted difficulty in adapting to change make for some formidable relationship hurdles, LDR or not, as life and circumstances are ever-changing and ever-evolving.

 

Friends and family are a phone call and a day's plane ride away, or less.

 

 

I've dated women a continent away and would have no issues immersing and learning a new language and culture. I would expect my partner to feel exactly the same way, as this would indicate a synergy of psychological perspective on the world, its people, culture and mobility. The women I have dated non-locally were/are of that perspective and were/are well-traveled in their own right.

 

Have you visited your partner in his country? If so, how did that go?

 

Lastly, I would more likely see the issue as one of compatibility versus adequate/inadequate/disparate levels of 'love'. You can love greatly but be incompatible due to a number of factors. Each couple determines these factors for themselves. Hope it works out

[heartshaped]

I don't think I worded my response carefully enough in the other thread, but the general idea behind it is the same; if one or both parties are unwilling to close the distance then the two of you are simply unsuitable. It isn't going to work. Someone has to be willing to move and if neither party is there is nothing to be done. If you move when you are unwilling it will most likely only lead to resentment. It has to be a willing sacrifice you make out of love.

 

Personally, I wouldn't be willing to move to someone who wasn't willing to move to me. There is a difference between being unable to move and just not being willing to. When I move, I will leave behind my life long friends, my family, and essentially the entire life I have built here to start something new. I wouldn't be willing to do this unless I thought this was the person I was going to spend my life with and I wouldn't be willing to spend my life with someone who places other things [job, friends, etc] before me. But that's just my personal opinion and I also feel when it is the right person, the right circumstances, and the right relationship you won't mind the sacrifice.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I think it's important to differentiate between practical circumstances and strength of emotions. I'm not in an LDR but ahve been in the past and my partner is from a country/part of the world which is different from mine. It's pretty challenging/impossible for both of us to imagine living in the other's country 'forever'. There's the question of what kind of work we could get, impact on careers, social and cultural differences, racism, each of us being far away from friends and family, having to learn new languages etc etc. Those are real issues that affects a relationship in very concrete ways, and in ways where it's too superficial to just say that 'love conquers all' or 'if he or she really loves me, s/he make this sacrifice', etc. For a relationship to be healthy, both individuals in it have to be reasonably healthy and happy with their circumstances.

 

i so agree. all relationships require emotional and mental strength, but LDR needs more of that. you have to weigh everything from a logical, reasonable perspective and not just going with your emotions.

 

i have seen a lot of threads here honestly where the complaining party always say "if he loves me he will do this." i find that very selfish because the conditions have to be that the other partner has to sacrifice his own endeavors for the relationship. if you are gonna give or do something for the one you love, you shouldn't be keeping tabs on him. you do it because you want it. if both parties are willing to sacrifice for each other, i think the relationship can survive since both are willing to adapt.

 

TBH, I'd be more concerned about the anxiety and depression than the distance. That, and an admitted difficulty in adapting to change make for some formidable relationship hurdles, LDR or not, as life and circumstances are ever-changing and ever-evolving.

 

i agree very much with this too. i see a lot in here as well like people getting scared of changes. fear is normal but do not let it overpower you. it builds insecurity and it shows your low self-esteem.

 

there are a lot of stages in life that requires being able to adapt to change. i have been with a relationship with this guy before and he was so afraid to make decisions because he fears the end-result. he gets frustrated with little things if he does not get what he wants. one time we went to a coffee shop and he asked me to get a vanilla-tasting drink. the barista gave us what they thought he wanted. he threw it away because he did not like it. i told him that sometimes in life, it does not give you much options to get what you want. what if you get stuck in the middle of nowhere and you cannot get that vanilla drink that you want? would you settle refuse to drink the closest drink that the only coffee shop could offer you? if you are willing to adapt to change, you might find that there are other enjoyable drinks than vanilla.

 

I don't think I worded my response carefully enough in the other thread, but the general idea behind it is the same; if one or both parties are unwilling to close the distance then the two of you are simply unsuitable. It isn't going to work. Someone has to be willing to move and if neither party is there is nothing to be done. If you move when you are unwilling it will most likely only lead to resentment. It has to be a willing sacrifice you make out of love.

 

Personally, I wouldn't be willing to move to someone who wasn't willing to move to me. There is a difference between being unable to move and just not being willing to. When I move, I will leave behind my life long friends, my family, and essentially the entire life I have built here to start something new. I wouldn't be willing to do this unless I thought this was the person I was going to spend my life with and I wouldn't be willing to spend my life with someone who places other things [job, friends, etc] before me. But that's just my personal opinion and I also feel when it is the right person, the right circumstances, and the right relationship you won't mind the sacrifice.

 

i admire this response! it shows maturity.

 

i honestly think that if the other or both parties are unwilling to close the distance, they should not have entered the LDR setup from the get-go. this is why LDR does not work for everybody.

 

LDR also needs timing. i have been into this kind of setup a couple of times aside from my current one, and my fiance also has tried it before. we have been burned by those relationships which made us really cautious at first. then we found out that we have a lot in common and the timing is right. we are both looking for something real this time and no more mind games and all that crap. we're both very established with our careers but since i am also away from my own country, we have decided that it's better for me to move. however if that won't work, he is willing to move here. you don't just jump into major decisions without considering the pros and cons, and some people overlook that. they always reason love for it.

 

i think it's also essential to accept that this kind of setup may not work..and if that does happen, i will thank him for such a wonderful experience that i won't forget and have learned a lot from. i don't view relationships as a waste of time (except with the wrong person). it takes two to tango; it's not like someone held a gun to your head to be in this situation.

[Isolde]

Yes, this kind of breakup is often misunderstood as not "trying hard enough."... but I do think that bad timing can separate people who would otherwise be a great match. Sometimes people are in a place in life where they can be really flexible for a relationship. And, sometimes they're not, even if they want to be. It's sad, but the takeaway is that life just can't be predicted or planned out, both for better, and for worse.

 

Another common thing that happens is that people are willing to move but not for a few years, and the LDR just isn't sustainable for that length of time, for any number of reasons.

 

I guess what people can takeaway from these situations is a better understanding of their priorities and goals, as well as their limitations, since no one has complete control of any situation, LDR or not. Also, priorities do change over time, so that's another thing to consider.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Isolde

[Taucher]

As aerogurl said, I think there are so many variables that the answer isnt simple. Me and my SO (who will then be my wife) will in total only spend 5 months apart. It's easy for me to feel quite smug about this as it has been reasonable straight forward. However, I met my SO when she lived in London. She LOVES London and lived her for nearly 3 years. So for her she is moving to be with me, yes, but she is also moving to a city she knows well where there are people that she knows too.

 

If she had said that she cant move to London, would I really move to Colombia? Maybe, but I am not sure. But not because I dont love her. Far from it. But moving far to somewhere new puts additional strain on a relationship - not only must the relationship work, but the new life must be good for the one who moved; new friends, job, somewhere to live.

 

My friend met a Swedish girl, she was in London for 3 weeks. They started an LDR and it went for 1 year...but neither could move to be near the other. They were both heartbroken.

 

T

[LittleTiger]

There are lots of reasons why people are unable to move to be with one another, some of which are completely out of their control. When I say 'out of their control' I mean for example visa rules regarding health sometimes prohibit immigration. If that's the case then clearly 'not loving someone enough' doesn't come in to it.

 

It's a little different if they have a choice but I still don't think it has anything to do with how much they love them. You can't measure love anyway, especially not based on what you will or won't do for your lover.

 

I believe, if someone chooses not to uproot their lives to be with the one they love, what it means is that 'love' or 'a romantic relationship' is not at the top of their list of priorities. They may love their partner just as much as the next person, but love is not the thing they value most in the world. Which is absolutely fine. We are all free to place whatever values we choose on various aspects of our lives.

 

Everyone prioritises differently. The most important aspect of our lives can be our careers, our homes, our families, our children, our friends, our pets etc etc and who's to say which order they should come in? Sometimes we 'say' that something is top of our list but our actions indicate the order is different. The order of priorities can and probably will change at different times too.

 

In my own case, I would say that my romantic relationship is what I value most in the world (equal top with my cats ) but I haven't moved yet. Does that mean I don't love him enough? No, of course not. In our case there are external factors which make it, not impossible, but very, very difficult for either of us to move right now and, despite that, our relationship is still being prioritised, we both make time to nurture it, so we're both happy.

 

Now, if I was 'forced' to make a decision between my relationship and other important aspects of my life I would choose my relationship (unless it was between my relationship and my cats ). I don't want to move away from England and I'm hoping my kiwi man can move here BUT if that turns out to be too difficult then I will move to him. It will completely terrify me but I will do it because I want to be with him more than I want anything else (yep, that's right - except my cats - but they'll be going with me ).

 

I know there are many people who choose their career or their family or their home or even money, over and above their relationship. I couldn't do that myself but I wouldn't criticise anybody who did ......and I certainly wouldn't say it was a measure of their love - or lack of it.

[brinsy]

This problem happened to me 2 times in my past 2 relationship.

 

The first time was I didn't move to him, I have to admit that I thought he was not good enough for me to move to him, he forced me to make a choice...so we broke up.

 

Then, I met my ex, we lived in different countries, in the beginning we planned I was going to move to him after I graduate (I was studying at university). I even went to language class to lern his mother language. But one day I put him one question, if he would like to move to me one day. He showed me that he didn't want. He gave me the same reasons as you said here: friends, job, house, everything...And he also said the same as you wrote here that I wouldn't have such problems if I move to him, so it would be easier for me to move to him. So I ws thinking it was not fair at all. If I can move to him, he can also move to me. Why is it easier for me to move to him? I also have to learn his language, leave my things stuff here. So I started to think he actually didn't have enough feelings for me or he actually didn't trust me enough. So I thought if he was selfish to protect himself, why I should sacrifice? Since then I started to protect myself too, well...you can guess, we started to have fight, quarrels...Because trust was weaker and weaker...

 

Well, I would say, yes, if you cannot decide to move to your partner for living together, it only means your feelings or trust for him/her are not enough. If he is "the most important thing" in your life, then you will give up your job, friends (not give up, just live far from them)...and so on those things that are "not as important as your bf".

 

Of course the most annoying thing is that you both would become stubborn and neither of you wanna make compromise.

Edited February 22, 2011 by brinsy

[HeavenOrHell]

I guess I don't love him enough then as I'm not prepared to move there, I thought I loved him enough. I love my life here and I'm happy here, he doesn't love his life there and isn't happy there, so based on that; if he didn't move to be with me even though he's not happy there then I guess we'd have no future.