Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It's interesting NID, as my perspective has changed somewhat also. Call it the loss of innocence caused by the A. During my marriage I was just faithful. I didn't think about it and never worried about it, ever. It just WAS and I assumed we were invincible. Call me naive, but that, to me, was what total trust felt like; like assuming the roof over your head won't cave in at any random moment. So like the sun rising every day, I took it for granted that my H operated under the SAME assumptions of fidelity. He did not. And that is what causes the devastation of betrayal. I now realize for so many people, fidelity is a choice, one we must make daily if we wish to strengthen our marriage. If we do not want to, well...that is also a choice. I think I am now much more realistic about relationships, certainly more so about the one I am in today. And I think that is a positive realization, and a self-preserving one. Nothing wrong with that, as far as I can tell.
Trimmer Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 It's interesting NID, as my perspective has changed somewhat also. Call it the loss of innocence caused by the A. During my marriage I was just faithful. I didn't think about it and never worried about it, ever. It just WAS and I assumed we were invincible. Call me naive, but that, to me, was what total trust felt like; like assuming the roof over your head won't cave in at any random moment. So like the sun rising every day, I took it for granted that my H operated under the SAME assumptions of fidelity. He did not. And that is what causes the devastation of betrayal. I now realize for so many people, fidelity is a choice, one we must make daily if we wish to strengthen our marriage. If we do not want to, well...that is also a choice. I think I am now much more realistic about relationships, certainly more so about the one I am in today. And I think that is a positive realization, and a self-preserving one. Nothing wrong with that, as far as I can tell. Man - so many of those words and thoughts come right from my own story. The naivete and trust, the loss if innocence, the assumption that we were both signed up to faithfulness and fidelity. And the less-innocent, maybe even a little world-weary outlook that replaced it all. And although that sounds a little sour, it's not, really. I mourn the loss of innocence kinda like you can't go back to the carefree days of childhood, but I feel like it's been replaced by a real view of the world - not necessarily all good or all bad, but just more real, honest.... and maybe I'm finally a grown-up... I get a little twang that I don't believe in Santa any more, but now I'm in the club of adults that get to know how the world really works.
Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Man - so many of those words and thoughts come right from my own story. The naivete and trust, the loss if innocence, the assumption that we were both signed up to faithfulness and fidelity. And the less-innocent, maybe even a little world-weary outlook that replaced it all. And although that sounds a little sour, it's not, really. I mourn the loss of innocence kinda like you can't go back to the carefree days of childhood, but I feel like it's been replaced by a real view of the world - not necessarily all good or all bad, but just more real, honest.... and maybe I'm finally a grown-up... I get a little twang that I don't believe in Santa any more, but now I'm in the club of adults that get to know how the world really works. Me too. And it is adult, but still bittersweet. I am happily reconciled, yet STILL wondering what we would have been today if it did not take an affair to cause so many powerful and wonderful changes within him...if he had always been the man he is today..... and that is bittersweet.
HappyAtLast Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Either way, I'm still not a never say never type of person. Yet, I would hate to see people blaming my H's EA on my choice if I did it one day. I believe that the two can be only loosely related. Not sure if you remember my story. Briefly, my former wife had cheated on me, several times, early on in our marriage. I stayed until my children were grown (she knew that I would be leaving once the kids were able to be on their own). For the next 14 years, I never allowed myself to become close to a woman. The year prior to my leaving I met my other woman. Had my ex not cheated on me, I would never have allowed myself to enter into an extra-marital relationship. So, no, my engaging in an affair was definitely not revenge. But yes, the fact that my ex had engaged in affairs factored into my allowing myself to engage in this new relationship. I am a big believer in never saying never. However, I don't believe that I would ever have allowed myself to engage in an affair had my ex-wife not done so, nor have I engaged in an affair since.
Snowflower Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 So, no, my engaging in an affair was definitely not revenge. But yes, the fact that my ex had engaged in affairs factored into my allowing myself to engage in this new relationship. I am a big believer in never saying never. However, I don't believe that I would ever have allowed myself to engage in an affair had my ex-wife not done so, nor have I engaged in an affair since. After 14 years, it certainly doesn't sound like revenge and I believe this is what NID was speaking to. It sounds more like her cheating opened the door to what ultimately happened. A quick question, HAL, if your xW had never cheated on you all those years ago, do you think you would have ever divorced her? I know you can't say for sure, but what is your best guess? If she had never cheated, do you think the two of you would have had a reasonable happy marriage? What was your xW's reaction to your infidelity and the subsequent end of your marriage? If you don't wish to answer, please disregard...I'm not trying to be rude.
woinlove Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I believe that the two can be only loosely related. Not sure if you remember my story. Briefly, my former wife had cheated on me, several times, early on in our marriage. I stayed until my children were grown (she knew that I would be leaving once the kids were able to be on their own). For the next 14 years, I never allowed myself to become close to a woman. The year prior to my leaving I met my other woman. Had my ex not cheated on me, I would never have allowed myself to enter into an extra-marital relationship. So, no, my engaging in an affair was definitely not revenge. But yes, the fact that my ex had engaged in affairs factored into my allowing myself to engage in this new relationship. I am a big believer in never saying never. However, I don't believe that I would ever have allowed myself to engage in an affair had my ex-wife not done so, nor have I engaged in an affair since. Wow, your story shows how far-reaching the effects of an affair can be. 14 years! I can understand it - since important issues such as trust, loyalty, respect,... are all involved. It seems in some of the cases the WS really works to change and become the type of person who would not have a secret affair. Do you think your first W did this kind of work for herself? I ask because some of the stories I read here suggest when the WS does that, the M sometimes becomes better than ever, and so it is unlikely the fBS would want to much later seek someone else out - or at least, unlikely to have that connected to the earlier A.
HappyAtLast Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 A quick question, HAL, if your xW had never cheated on you all those years ago, do you think you would have ever divorced her? I know you can't say for sure, but what is your best guess? If she had never cheated, do you think the two of you would have had a reasonable happy marriage? What was your xW's reaction to your infidelity and the subsequent end of your marriage? If you don't wish to answer, please disregard...I'm not trying to be rude. Interesting questions. Obviously I can't predict what would have happened had she not cheated, but, as the years went on (after the affair) she seemed to get less and less ambitious, a quality I did not admire. She was not interested in her job, taking care of the house (she had help), etc. Her friends were much more interesting to her than spending time with our children. Overall, we most assuredly grew into two very different people. If I had to guess, I would say that we still may have divorced once the kids were grown. She never knew about my infidelity, prior to my leaving our marriage. She was quite aware, however, of the fact that I would be leaving once the kids were self-sufficient. This was something she knew for many years. My other woman had nothing whatsoever to do with the demise of my marriage and, quite frankly, I felt was none of my ex's concern. Despite the fact that I had been telling her for 15 years that we would be getting divorced, she was still surprised the day I left. Go figure.
HappyAtLast Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Wow, your story shows how far-reaching the effects of an affair can be. 14 years! I can understand it - since important issues such as trust, loyalty, respect,... are all involved. It seems in some of the cases the WS really works to change and become the type of person who would not have a secret affair. Do you think your first W did this kind of work for herself? I ask because some of the stories I read here suggest when the WS does that, the M sometimes becomes better than ever, and so it is unlikely the fBS would want to much later seek someone else out - or at least, unlikely to have that connected to the earlier A. Oh goodness no. My ex-wife is onto her fourth husband now (maybe fifth), I've lost track.
Calif_hope Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Their is a study that investigated cheating and the results on marriage. Results showed that when: Husband cheated: 76% of the marriages stayed intact. Wife cheated: 74% of the marriages ended. The study didn't have much to say about the huge difference in the percentages and outcomes but did say that they will research further.
seren Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 It's interesting NID, as my perspective has changed somewhat also. Call it the loss of innocence caused by the A. During my marriage I was just faithful. I didn't think about it and never worried about it, ever. It just WAS and I assumed we were invincible. Call me naive, but that, to me, was what total trust felt like; like assuming the roof over your head won't cave in at any random moment. So like the sun rising every day, I took it for granted that my H operated under the SAME assumptions of fidelity. He did not. And that is what causes the devastation of betrayal. I now realize for so many people, fidelity is a choice, one we must make daily if we wish to strengthen our marriage. If we do not want to, well...that is also a choice. I think I am now much more realistic about relationships, certainly more so about the one I am in today. And I think that is a positive realization, and a self-preserving one. Nothing wrong with that, as far as I can tell. Yes absolutely Spark, I often wonder after reading your posts if I have invented an alter ego, so similar are our experiences, but then perhaps that is because as XBS most of us have the same feelings.
Author NoIDidn't Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 I believe that the two can be only loosely related. Not sure if you remember my story. Briefly, my former wife had cheated on me, several times, early on in our marriage. I stayed until my children were grown (she knew that I would be leaving once the kids were able to be on their own). For the next 14 years, I never allowed myself to become close to a woman. The year prior to my leaving I met my other woman. Had my ex not cheated on me, I would never have allowed myself to enter into an extra-marital relationship. So, no, my engaging in an affair was definitely not revenge. But yes, the fact that my ex had engaged in affairs factored into my allowing myself to engage in this new relationship. I am a big believer in never saying never. However, I don't believe that I would ever have allowed myself to engage in an affair had my ex-wife not done so, nor have I engaged in an affair since. HA, actually I meant to say that I am a "never say never" type person. Boy I hate it when I type one thing while thinking another!!! But yes, your perspective is pretty much the feeling of our group. Definitely not revenge, but had the other spouse not cheated they would never be in the position to even be considering it. I hate to read from posters about how when a former BS cheats or somehow is unfulfilled in their marriage, how others always relate it back to the infidelity experience. Its often done in a way that makes the BS seem like they just can't get over the cheating. Thing is, no one just "gets over" anything. The cheating opens a door that otherwise MIGHT have stayed closed. I don't think the BS walking through that door one day is a matter of revenge. Thanks for reminding me of your story, HAL.
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Their is a study that investigated cheating and the results on marriage. Results showed that when: Husband cheated: 76% of the marriages stayed intact. Wife cheated: 74% of the marriages ended. The study didn't have much to say about the huge difference in the percentages and outcomes but did say that they will research further. Could you provide a reference, please?
Recommended Posts