What Kind of Affair Would This Be?

[Trimmer]

And thanks' date=' Spark for that name. The "Resentment" affair. I think many affairs are borne from resentment. Definitely not a healthy marriage maker or marker.[/quote']

 

I think this is a resonant point for me.

 

If you're a BS and you're going to stay and try to rebuild, then the healthy course is to always be looking to move forward - closer, healthier, stronger. An affair - of any stripe - just seems like moving backward.

 

In the case of a resentment affair (I agree, a good name...) your opening post explains all these rationalizations as to why this would be "justified" or "different." But in the end for me, the important thing is not what happens outside of you that you use to justify your behavior, it's about who you are and the standard to which you hold yourself, when you look in the mirror.

 

I also find this thought process very interesting:

Its very strange to love a man and decide you can cheat on him because he's done it to you, but it not be about revenge but about in love again like he did for a moment and wanting something/one different.

I know you claim it isn't "about revenge", and it seems that you base this upon the fact that you wouldn't want to throw it in his face. But I maintain that, even so, it is some form of revenge - a kind of an evening or balancing of accounts, to get back something that was taken, something you think you are owed, or at least entitled to.

 

Because after all, if it's not about that, then it seems even "less justified" to me - if it's not about that, then aren't you just gleefully slapping down your "get of of jail free" card to go be with someone else? Again, I would ask - who are you, what are your standards, when you look in the mirror? It's kind of like that oft-repeated question: if you had the opportunity to cheat, and there was a way to guarantee that there was absolutely no chance your spouse would even find out, would you? Doesn't that really come down to: who are you, really, when nobody is looking?

 

I think this is very similar: are you someone who would take advantage of an opportunity to cheat, even if it was arguably "justified"? Who are you, really, when nobody is looking?

[StoneCold]

 

I really want to talk about the fact of a former BS cheating on a former WS. How people feel about those affairs, not so much get stuck on the fact that no affair is necessarily justified.

 

Granted... just know that it wont go that way around this bunch.....it will always veer back to "cheating is not justified you're going to burn in hell". Many here arent capable of having that discussion

 

 

 

I don't think that I agree that affairs are never justified....per se. I don't think they are right, but depending on the person and the reasons, they could be justified. Just that people won't agree with the justification.

 

Oh that was the point I got into on other threads and it just turned into wrestlemania....

 

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not asking anyone to justify it. I just want to discuss it.

 

You're barking up the wrong tree around here I tell you. You will get piled on it wont be a discussion

[Snowflower]

Sorry, I've been away. Thanks for all the opinions shared.

 

I really want to talk about the fact of a former BS cheating on a former WS. How people feel about those affairs, not so much get stuck on the fact that no affair is necessarily justified.

 

 

What I have noticed here especially is that many times posters will fixate on the most recent affair. For example, I remember reading a story where a man was devastated that his wife had left him and that she was talking to another man.

 

As the story progressed, the "betrayed husband" finally admitted that he had had an EA himself a few years before and this was coupled with the fact that the he had worked out of state, away from his wife, for years.

 

Somehow though, the OP's EA was overlooked and the concentration was put on his cheating, estranged wife.

 

It was the weirdest thing.

 

So, IMO the most recent affair seems to get the focus...whether it is for revenge, because of resentment, etc.

 

I do understand why some BS entertain the thought of have an affair. When I was in the early days of being a BS, I was told in a few different ways that I could do the same thing and "no one would think less of me."

[NoIDidn't]

I know you claim it isn't "about revenge", and it seems that you base this upon the fact that you wouldn't want to throw it in his face. But I maintain that, even so, it is some form of revenge - a kind of an evening or balancing of accounts, to get back something that was taken, something you think you are owed, or at least entitled to.

 

Because after all, if it's not about that, then it seems even "less justified" to me - if it's not about that, then aren't you just gleefully slapping down your "get of of jail free" card to go be with someone else? Again, I would ask - who are you, what are your standards, when you look in the mirror? It's kind of like that oft-repeated question: if you had the opportunity to cheat, and there was a way to guarantee that there was absolutely no chance your spouse would even find out, would you? Doesn't that really come down to: who are you, really, when nobody is looking?

 

I think this is very similar: are you someone who would take advantage of an opportunity to cheat, even if it was arguably "justified"? Who are you, really, when nobody is looking?

 

Again, Trimmer, this is just a discussion. I make no "claims". I offer points to consider in the discussion.

 

I can agree that it seems to be an balancing of accounts, but I can't concede the revenge point.

[NoIDidn't]

What I have noticed here especially is that many times posters will fixate on the most recent affair. For example, I remember reading a story where a man was devastated that his wife had left him and that she was talking to another man.

 

As the story progressed, the "betrayed husband" finally admitted that he had had an EA himself a few years before and this was coupled with the fact that the he had worked out of state, away from his wife, for years.

 

Somehow though, the OP's EA was overlooked and the concentration was put on his cheating, estranged wife.

 

It was the weirdest thing.

 

So, IMO the most recent affair seems to get the focus...whether it is for revenge, because of resentment, etc.

 

I do understand why some BS entertain the thought of have an affair. When I was in the early days of being a BS, I was told in a few different ways that I could do the same thing and "no one would think less of me."

 

I haven't seen that thread. I can imagine that some might think that his W was wrong twice, but I don't agree with that. I don't understand this mentality that the BS has to be a saint for the rest of their lives that comes from both camps, the OPs AND everyone else. I don't understand turning the BS into a person that can never make a mistake just because they know the pain of being cheated on. Its so interesting.

 

I was told the same thing that "no one would think less of me". It also came from my H. Yet, my dad, the serial cheater, felt I would be damaged goods if I cheated on my H like he did to me. But my dad also doesn't believe that "just talking" constitutes an affair as my H had an EA.

 

What's the most interesting about the responses in this thread is that no one really believes that its not about revenge. It isn't. At least not in my understanding about what revenge really means.

 

 

And can I just say, this thread is not about me.

[xxoo]

I can agree that it seems to be an balancing of accounts' date=' but I can't concede the revenge point.[/quote']

 

I understand that distinction.

 

But I question whether it would ultimately make you feel better or worse.

 

Consider the account analogy--

 

On the one hand, the WS's acct may seem more "full", because of all the cake they've been enjoying. They've been enjoying the benefits of marriage AND the benefits of affair. I can see the appeal of balancing the accounts.

 

On the other hand, the WS's acct is "empty", because of all the hurt they've caused (to him/herself and others), and all the regret they feel. Balancing the accounts doesn't seem as appealing from this perspective.

[Snowflower]

I haven't seen that thread. I can imagine that some might think that his W was wrong twice' date=' but I don't agree with that. I don't understand this mentality that the BS has to be a saint for the rest of their lives that comes from both camps, the OPs AND everyone else. I don't understand turning the BS into a person that can never make a mistake just because they know the pain of being cheated on. Its so interesting.[/quote']

 

I think the thread appeared in the separation/divorce section...I tried to find it to link it here but I can't remember the title. It was quite awhile ago and it just stuck with me about how the betrayed husband's EA was glossed over and the now-WW was being held to a different standard.

 

Anyway, I understand the distinction you are trying to make. I've never understood the whole idea that the BS who turns around and has an affair is no better than the WS who cheated in the first place.

 

IMO, once the WS has let that toxicity into their life/marriage, who knows how it will all end? A faithful spouse who had never even considered cheating before the A was dumped on them might think differently now.

 

Speaking from my own experience, being a BS changed me forever and in mostly good ways. But, there is also some world-weary cynicism for me. I had never considered cheating on my H and I remember feeling guilty for even thinking another man was attractive--this was all before my H's affair. Now, if I see an attractive man, I sometimes think what it would be like to pursue/be pursued. Of course, I never would do it or even want to do it. But unlike before my WH affair where I would have felt too guilty to even think like that...now, I sometimes let my imagination run wild.

 

 

I was told the same thing that "no one would think less of me". It also came from my H. Yet, my dad, the serial cheater, felt I would be damaged goods if I cheated on my H like he did to me. But my dad also doesn't believe that "just talking" constitutes an affair as my H had an EA.

 

Men often don't feel an EA is a betrayal...until the physical line has been crossed. Additionally, it's interesting that your H said that to you.

 

What's the most interesting about the responses in this thread is that no one really believes that its not about revenge. It isn't. At least not in my understanding about what revenge really means.

 

It's a difficult distinction to express in writing, IMO.

 

And can I just say, this thread is not about me.

 

I honestly didn't think it was!

[PhoenixRise]

Maybe in some cases where the BS goes on to have an affair it is more about reacting to the new norms and standards for the relationship set by the 1st WS than it is about revenge.

 

BS goes from having what he/she believes is a certain kind of relationship, one based on certain standards. WS proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that those standards are not as mutually shared as was thought. So once the pain of the betrayal starts to subside the BS starts to reconsider his/her commitment to those standards in that particular relationship.

 

AND yes, WS may feel conflicted, may hurt themselves, may let themselves down, during the affair (my husband did). But they also get all the benefits of a fresh new relationship, new and exciting sex, someone who sees them in the best possible light and strokes their ego accordingly (my husband did).

 

If a BS had been loving or even a self sacrificing spouse then having his/her spouse cheat can reshuffle the deck in a way that makes the selfish behavior inherent in a subsequent affair seem ok.

 

So I can see how it wouldn't be about revenge in some cases, just about reacting to the new (actual) norm in the relationship instead of living by the vocalized norm in the pre affair relationship.

[tiff24]

I have thought about doing this as well my husband cheated on me. I have come to realize that we could work this out and get through it if I wanted to, but cheating on him would just take you father away from your husband emotionally and physically. So you either stay with him and be faithful or leave him so you can do whatever you want. You don't want that kind of guilt in you. I see the hurt my husband has in his eyes every time i bring it up. Hope I helped

[ladydesigner]

Sorry, I've been away. Thanks for all the opinions shared.

 

I really want to talk about the fact of a former BS cheating on a former WS. How people feel about those affairs, not so much get stuck on the fact that no affair is necessarily justified.

 

I don't think that I agree that affairs are never justified....per se. I don't think they are right, but depending on the person and the reasons, they could be justified. Just that people won't agree with the justification.

 

I don't think the comment about rape was fair or even related. People CHOOSE to cheat, no one chooses to be raped. I should know. That's like comparing apples to train tracks.

 

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not asking anyone to justify it. I just want to discuss it. I can't imagine feeling bad for the guy that cheated getting cheated on. When I found out that infidelity was the reason my stepmom left, I wasn't surprised. She put up with cheating for years from my dad. I could understand her stepping out on her own one day. And she did. I know of no one that feels sorry for my dad. It might not be right to some, but what goes around comes around.

 

With regards to a former BS knowing the pain, an assumption is being made. The assumption that the former BS is going to sleep with someone else's H. That doesn't have to be the case at all.

 

And thanks, Spark for that name. The "Resentment" affair. I think many affairs are borne from resentment. Definitely not a healthy marriage maker or marker.

 

I appreciate the replies so far.

 

Great post NID you said it better than I in expressing the comparison of rape and cheating. I don't think you can compare the two.

 

I guess I have to admit that I felt justified in having my RA. I really did. My views change like the wind though lol. One day I'll feel bad about it and the next I feel like it was justified, especially on days when I feel like my M is still shaky. And you're right that many people do not believe an affair is justified. It's a difficult conversation.

 

My friends actually advised me to have a RA:confused: My mother, who has had 2 A's on my father advised me not to. She knew the slippery slope and aftermath all too well. In some ways I think it was all of those contributing factors: Friends advice, mom had an A, and H had an affair, that I fell into this justifying my own affair. What I really just wanted to have was a successful loving M. So sad.

[Trimmer]

Again' date=' Trimmer, this is just a discussion. I make no "claims". I offer points to consider in the discussion.[/quote']

And I'm offering my points for discussion as well. I apologize if my use of "you" sounds like I'm pointing my finger at, literally, you, but my point would be as clear if I had said "Who am I when nobody is watching," and it would be more clumsy if I had said "Who is one when nobody is watching..." Just a rhetorical structure, and I understand this is not about you.

 

And I will say that in spite of some harrumphing pronouncements that "this bunch" wouldn't be able to have a rational discussion, I think that has already been proven wrong...

 

I can agree that it seems to be an balancing of accounts' date=' but I can't concede the revenge point.[/quote']

I understand that you are making a distinction, and I suppose it really comes down to, "How do you define revenge?" If you define it as returning harm to the one who hurt you, then yes, I can fully accept your distinction that you might want to balance the accounts, but not cause harm in return.

 

But here's the thing.... Continuing the "account" analogy, some seem to classify having an affair as something that increases the WS's account, like they "got" something the BS didn't get, and so the BS "deserves" to go fill up his/her account to balance them out.

 

This gives an affair a positive role that I decline to assign to it. Is an affair something we all want, and think would be a good thing, but we don't do it just because our committed relationships constrain us from it?

 

My outlook is that an affair is damage, even to the WS. It is a lowering of standards, a forfeiting of one's principles, and a loss of whatever is in one's "account." So from that perspective, I look at a revenge/rebound affair from the perspective that, in order to "balance accounts", I (as the rebounding BS) would have to go out, compromise my standards and forfeit my principles, so that I can lower my own account to even things out.

 

Does that really leave me feeling better, or healed, or even balanced? I'm not proclaiming or preaching this for everyone, but only for me, and my answer is no. That's where I get that question - and now I'll put it in the first person so it doesn't sound like I'm directing it at anyone else: irrespective of what has been "done to" me, when I look in the mirror, who am I? Who am I, when nobody is looking?

 

For background, 16 years ago, I was a BS, and I acknowledge having a powerful interest (intellectually) and desire (emotionally and sexually) for a "balancing affair", specifically with the betrayed wife of my WS' affair partner. In the end I didn't even begin to pursue anything, but I do understand the draw, the pull, the push in that direction, and I do not judge anyone in that horrible position for their thoughts and desires...

[NoIDidn't]

I understand that you are making a distinction, and I suppose it really comes down to, "How do you define revenge?" If you define it as returning harm to the one who hurt you, then yes, I can fully accept your distinction that you might want to balance the accounts, but not cause harm in return.

 

Yes, this is how I define revenge - returning hurt.

 

But here's the thing.... Continuing the "account" analogy, some seem to classify having an affair as something that increases the WS's account, like they "got" something the BS didn't get, and so the BS "deserves" to go fill up his/her account to balance them out.

 

This I don't agree with, but I'm having a hard time writing what I mean. I think its too simplistic to frame this as a "tit-for-tat" affair. Sure, the former BS is reacting to what was "done to" them, but not from a revenge standpoint. Its an experiential thing. And, yes, it can definitely yield the most destructive results.

 

This gives an affair a positive role that I decline to assign to it. Is an affair something we all want, and think would be a good thing, but we don't do it just because our committed relationships constrain us from it?

 

I agree. But I do think you are on to something. I think many people feel their committed relationships constrain them from many things - intimate experiences with new partners are not the only limitation.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe in some cases where the BS goes on to have an affair it is more about reacting to the new norms and standards for the relationship set by the 1st WS than it is about revenge.

 

BS goes from having what he/she believes is a certain kind of relationship, one based on certain standards. WS proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that those standards are not as mutually shared as was thought. So once the pain of the betrayal starts to subside the BS starts to reconsider his/her commitment to those standards in that particular relationship.

 

AND yes, WS may feel conflicted, may hurt themselves, may let themselves down, during the affair (my husband did). But they also get all the benefits of a fresh new relationship, new and exciting sex, someone who sees them in the best possible light and strokes their ego accordingly (my husband did).

 

If a BS had been loving or even a self sacrificing spouse then having his/her spouse cheat can reshuffle the deck in a way that makes the selfish behavior inherent in a subsequent affair seem ok.

 

So I can see how it wouldn't be about revenge in some cases, just about reacting to the new (actual) norm in the relationship instead of living by the vocalized norm in the pre affair relationship.

 

This! Thank you. I can't say which in our group would go on to test the affair waters, but this was definitely the heart of the conversation. Things have changed and we changed with them.

 

Could it be called a "loss of innocence" affair?

[neveragain1]

I've always maintained that I don't know if I would cheat or not. I lean more towards not because I know what it does to the innocent and to those actively in the affair.

 

But I do know that if I did, it wouldn't be to "get back at" my H for what he did.

 

What would you call an affair that comes about because you can't be judged harshly by a person that's already done it on you, but you still don't want to get caught or throw it in their faces?

 

I'd call it an affair thats no better than the other.

 

If you did, not only would he not be able to say anything about it, but you'd lose the right to complain anymore about what he did.

 

 

Its starting to sound like a run-of-the-mill affair. But the fact that the person doing it was cheated on before complicates things.

 

What do you think?

 

(Don't get me wrong, I'm aware it sounds and probably is childish, just want other opinions)

 

you probably aren't going to be out on the dating scene again unless you divorce your husband, but if you were to cheat in revenge consider that you may not be well perceived to a future mate.

 

I dumped someone when I found out they cheated, in revenge, on someone else. Its just a part of someone's character I don't want in a potential partner.

[NoIDidn't]

I think the thread appeared in the separation/divorce section...I tried to find it to link it here but I can't remember the title. It was quite awhile ago and it just stuck with me about how the betrayed husband's EA was glossed over and the now-WW was being held to a different standard.

 

Anyway, I understand the distinction you are trying to make. I've never understood the whole idea that the BS who turns around and has an affair is no better than the WS who cheated in the first place.

 

IMO, once the WS has let that toxicity into their life/marriage, who knows how it will all end? A faithful spouse who had never even considered cheating before the A was dumped on them might think differently now.

 

Speaking from my own experience, being a BS changed me forever and in mostly good ways. But, there is also some world-weary cynicism for me. I had never considered cheating on my H and I remember feeling guilty for even thinking another man was attractive--this was all before my H's affair. Now, if I see an attractive man, I sometimes think what it would be like to pursue/be pursued. Of course, I never would do it or even want to do it. But unlike before my WH affair where I would have felt too guilty to even think like that...now, I sometimes let my imagination run wild.

 

The ladies that inspired this thread mentioned the same "feeling guilty" before finding out they were betrayed vs. afterwards.

 

Now, they openly discuss good-looking men when before they would have sworn to only have eyes for their husbands.

 

Men often don't feel an EA is a betrayal...until the physical line has been crossed. Additionally, it's interesting that your H said that to you.

 

It was interesting to find out that most men don't feel an EA is betrayal, BUT they are WELL-AWARE that its inappropriate and that their SOs will not be happy about it.

 

I hope you weren't thinking that my H was the one who said I would be "damaged goods" if I ever cheated on him. My dad thinks that of all any cheating woman. He's stuck in the 50s, unfortunately. My H's view was that he was in no position to judge me for an affair. Of course, it was/is his hope that I never go there, mind you.

 

The way it was offered seems like a don't ask, don't tell type of situation.

[xxoo]

Things have changed and we changed with them.

 

Could it be called a "loss of innocence" affair?

 

Leaving out the details of what changed and how, this sounds very much like the reasons given for the run-of-the-mill affair.

[NoIDidn't]

I'd call it an affair thats no better than the other.

 

If you did, not only would he not be able to say anything about it, but you'd lose the right to complain anymore about what he did.

 

The bolded is actually pretty funny. I will have to relay it back to the group. Its true, though, once you do something too you no longer hold the moral high ground.

 

Maybe that's why so many WS offer a "freebie" to the betrayed? So they don't have to hear about it again. Funny. I never thought of it that way.

 

Thanks.

[NoIDidn't]

Leaving out the details of what changed and how, this sounds very much like the reasons given for the run-of-the-mill affair.

 

Again, can't disagree with you.

[neveragain1]

The bolded is actually pretty funny. I will have to relay it back to the group. Its true, though, once you do something too you no longer hold the moral high ground.

 

Maybe that's why so many WS offer a "freebie" to the betrayed? So they don't have to hear about it again. Funny. I never thought of it that way.

 

Thanks.

 

the only way I can see a WS offering a "freebie" to their betrayed spouse, is if they don't care in the first place.

[wheelwright]

So, WW, how does a soul move beyond its current chains, if love in the form of an AP arrive on a white steed?

 

How does one rescue oneself? Why wait for the next knight in shining armor to arrive?

 

Love is a transformation. It is a gift and a risk. It teaches you something - and this can happen very quickly, or in the caring form of love you often describe, over many years.

 

Falling in love tells you your heart is alive, if nothing else.

 

I think love as rescue is rare.

 

You will be happy to hear I am not waiting for any kisa to arrive. I never was, but I did look to men/ a man to help me feel whole. I have grown up about that

 

Even feeling love is a beautiful thing.

[seren]

I remember H saying to me some days after D Day that he would understand if I had an A too, which would be a revenge A in my book. I also understand the changing of what are accepted norms within the marriage, as in the repeated promises that if one fell out of love or if one found another, that they would be upfront about it to give the other choice or to end an unhappy marriage without the lying and deceit.

 

My thoughts are that if I had an A, just because H did, I would have a far harder time forgiving myself than he would me. It would seem to me that I would be betraying myself as I believe in faithfulness and love H too much to even contemplate sleeping with another man. Having casual sex lost its appeal when I grew up and realised that sex does not equate love or often even like. I need the emotional side as well as lust to be OK with lovemaking, far to much personal baggage to even go into that one.

 

I also get that as a BS, my self esteem hit pay dirt after D Day, it didn't matter what the mirror told me or my success at work and many friends, I told myself I wasn't good enough, so I can see that having a new person, outside my circle who recognised worth in me, the unknown me, could help a battered self esteem and be able to 'be' without them knowing about the A. I suppose to be liked, loved, lusted (all the L words) for me and not what everyone accepted as me and what my H, by his A, found wanting could be attractive.

 

Once the realisation hit that it was not about me, not even about the OW but about H and his lack of esteem did it all make sense. To have an A for self validation seemed a pointless thing anyway as it wasn't about what I thought A's were about anyway.

 

As for justification for A's, no I don't think anything justifies hurting another at my expense, but that's my boat to row. My views have never changed, I do get people falling in love or feeling attraction, if that were the case, I would leave as for me, Love is the bedrock of the foundation of our marriage, without that, there is very little. To undermine that with an A just for sex, fun on the side or just because the opportunity presents itself has no attraction.

[Snowflower]

I hope you weren't thinking that my H was the one who said I would be "damaged goods" if I ever cheated on him. My dad thinks that of all any cheating woman. He's stuck in the 50s, unfortunately. My H's view was that he was in no position to judge me for an affair. Of course, it was/is his hope that I never go there, mind you.

 

The way it was offered seems like a don't ask, don't tell type of situation.

 

Nope, I understood that your husband didn't say that to you and that it was your dad. I wasn't clear in my previous post!

[Snowflower]

the only way I can see a WS offering a "freebie" to their betrayed spouse, is if they don't care in the first place.

 

Could be this!

 

Or, if they give a "freebie" to their BS-and I don't think that is an accurate term-it could be a way for the WS to take the easy way out and not introspect and figure out why they had the initial affair.

 

It evens the score, like what NID mentioned above--but not necessarily as revenge.

[Trimmer]

Or, if they give a "freebie" to their BS-and I don't think that is an accurate term-it could be a way for the WS to take the easy way out and not introspect and figure out why they had the initial affair.

I strongly think this is likely. It's like throwing money at a problem. "If I let you do this, will that make it go away?"

 

This also echoes my theme of the retribution affair not so much bringing both parties UP to the same level of both having the opportunity for a great experience, but rather, it brings the BS down, as in "look, now you did it too, so you can't complain about me..."

 

When my wife had an affair way back when, her affair partner (married himself) at some point suggested to her how wouldn't it be great if his wife and I (the two BS's) got together? I totally took that as, wouldn't that just tidy things up all nice and neat, and take all the pressure and guilt out of their affair...

[NoIDidn't]

Could be this!

 

Or, if they give a "freebie" to their BS-and I don't think that is an accurate term-it could be a way for the WS to take the easy way out and not introspect and figure out why they had the initial affair.

 

It evens the score, like what NID mentioned above--but not necessarily as revenge.

 

I strongly think this is likely. It's like throwing money at a problem. "If I let you do this, will that make it go away?"

 

This also echoes my theme of the retribution affair not so much bringing both parties UP to the same level of both having the opportunity for a great experience, but rather, it brings the BS down, as in "look, now you did it too, so you can't complain about me..."

 

When my wife had an affair way back when, her affair partner (married himself) at some point suggested to her how wouldn't it be great if his wife and I (the two BS's) got together? I totally took that as, wouldn't that just tidy things up all nice and neat, and take all the pressure and guilt out of their affair...

 

I agree with you guys. I think he did it to take the pressure off of him. This was said during that first night of talking about things when everything was so raw. Tears and things. It was probably all he knew to say, so I didn't take it as a serious offer at the time.

 

And, I agree with seren's sentiment that to take up that offer would make her feel worse. I remember how badly my H was feeling. I was so worried that he was going to harm himself. He was really in a bad way. I don't ever want to know what that feels like. I don't think my friends do either.

 

Either way, I'm still not a never say never type of person. Yet, I would hate to see people blaming my H's EA on my choice if I did it one day.