Broke up on our sixth month anniversary! (or, day after valentines)

[sfl]

I dropped my girlfriend at work today with the pretty safe assumption that our relationship could well be over - we constantly argue over really silly and small things.

 

Last night we had a three hour drama because, prompted by a comment on the TV show we were watching, I asked "just curious, if someone said you had to eat this to get your dream job [she has an interview next week] would you do it?" which was apparently being really disrespectful to her vegetarianism, and this morning we had a huge argument over something even smaller.

 

She is awesome, everything I could ever ask for, she is for the most part the perfect girl for me and no doubt the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I find even the slightest thing can really set her off and I just have no idea how to calm her down.

 

She's lived with me for a few months and she's going to stay with her parents for a day, for a week, forever... I'm not really too sure, but I've almost lost any energy I had for this relationship and for once probably won't bother with any chasing.

 

I certainly don't want to break up with her, but I also can't bare going over all of these things constantly, losing hours&hours each week just arguing over nothing, then her getting even more annoyed with me because I don't know the magic words to calm her down (and she constantly tests me, asks questions about what I've done wrong, shouting at me if I don't keep constant eye contact with her etc)

 

So, hmm, yeah. Sorry for the ranting, but in a bit of a predicament, not sure whether to fight for this. I really don't want to lose her but like I said, I'm slowly starting to run out of energy...

Edited February 16, 2011 by sfl

[810]

normally, with situation like this, i would suggest that every time she picks a fight, let her win by not react to her bickering/yelling ect but responding to them by stay quiet, listen to her words, acknowledge them, and ask her what she would suggest you (two) do next time. there are no magic words to calm a person down. however, if you feel like you're running out of energy and you really like her, then i say just see her less to recharge yourself or do something super romantic to let her know that you really care about her.

 

most relationships experience rocky roads at some point because either one person thinks they love the other too much and need reassurance (due to insecurity) or they're done with the relationship and waiting for the other to bring up the break-up because they are too coward to say so. it really depends on how you both understand each others and deal with it to make it work (or break it.)

[sfl]

Thanks 810 - I think you're right and that is probably a better way of going about it than my current stance of getting very defensive (overly so) and making the situation a lot worse. I especially realised this last night, she got really upset about the vegetarian comment but I kept pushing because I genuinely didn't know what the problem was, and it kind of escalated from there. The nice/super romantic statement is a nice idea, I do often try to do nice things and they are very much appreciated, but it'll just go from me being apparently the best boyfriend in the world to her seemingly hating me in the space of an hour at times.

 

She's at work now so I can't get in touch with her, not sure if I even should, or just let her think this one out and see what she wants to do? Like I said I really don't want to split up but feel I always get things wrong - it's not very encouraging when you constantly upset your partner and you're unsure why.

[sfl]

She's coming by tonight to get some stuff, not sure what approach to take - try and get her to stay? Encourage her to have a few days off so we can have some space? I'd prefer the first to be honest but who knows what's best, ahh!

[sfl]

Actually she just phoned to say she doesn't need her stuff, so that's that then. She's staying with her parents and just said "See you on the weekend, or maybe the next one, bye!" - the little energy I had for this is slowly disappearing, since she obviously doesn't even care enough to see me tonight to at least try and sort this out.

[Els]

I rarely find that bickering is ever the fault of just one party.. it usually takes two to tango. Do you see any similarity in the stuff you said/did that led to those arguments? Not that it's okay for her to go ape**** over it, but if you notice it you can probably avoid the triggers and do your part. Why didnt you guys TALK about the root cause of all this before letting it drag on and on and finally exhaust both of you?

[sfl]

Good point, I think the fault definitely lies with myself too, like I said yesterday I definitely didn't help and instead of trying to comfort her I'll often be overly defensive, just thinking to myself "Jeez, why is she being really sulky over so and so?" which is without doubt the worst attitude I could have.

 

Talking about it would be good, though I am a rubbish listener due to my awful attention span (which constantly hinders me in day to day live, but especially in this relationship) although that's something I really am working on.

 

Thanks again

[sfl]

It happened again. I'm just so confused by it, I read through some of the problems people have on here and honestly I cannot work out for the life of me why she's like she is.

 

Out of no where (or seemingly so) she'll get really upset, start having a go, but when I say something back... if I don't give her 100% eye contact, if I change my tone even slightly, if I say something even slightly negative about her, she takes it so badly that I just don't know how to deal with her. She's incredibly sensitive and I know I should be more accommodating to that, and for the most part I am, but when she's having a go at me and still being incredibly sensitive to the way I am back to her, it makes it really hard you know?

 

Any other tips would be good because my energy for this is probably as low as ever. I really don't want to lose her but I'm not sure what else to do now... wonder if we're just too different and it'll never work... :/