brighterdays Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 this is a long one i was with my love for 9 years, some of those years were great but most of them were crazy as he was battling drug addiction. i am not a drug addict but i stayed by his side because i loved him and i feared he would hurt himself and he even threatened he would if i left him. not realizing at the time that i was enabling him. i waited for him for 1.5 years while he was in rehab, took care of everything while he was away and never cheated on him even though the opportunity presented itself. when he came home i felt like things were going to be great, it was a time to start fresh and we were even going to get engaged. after about a year, i started to notice him changing withdrawing, being sneaky about stuff, lying and my trust was starting to get worn thin. this pushed him away as i always snooped thru his phone or looking thru his things to find the answers . i know that this is really horrible behavior but i was so scared to lose him i didn't know what else to do. anyway, he ended up working a job that would require him to be out of state for long periods of time doing projects from state to state and living in hotels during the projects he worked, which i took as his early exit. it wasn't til about 2 months into his job that i found out what else was going on besides work - i went to visit him one weekend, opened his computer and found another girl's profile page on facebook like she had been using the computer and forgot to logout. i got her number off her page called her and asked her what was going on. she told me he does cocaine with her at the hotel, and that he never said he had a girlfriend. I was furious he lied to me and we ended our relationship. he told me he was sorry but also said he didn't love me anymore. that was in july, he kept begging to be friends but i wasn't having it, he was apologizing about everything and really taking the whole thing really hard... during the rest of the summer i found out that while we were together he had been talking to his ex girlfriend, who found him on facebook, she is also a drug addict, also found out that he was cheating on me with another girl he met at his old job and i also found out that he had been doing drugs while we were living together. i took time to digest all this after learning about it and really kept everything on a very strict LC, since we have shared bills and such. i was a mess, started going to therapy and really just focused on myself. i started doing better and i guess he noticed it because all of a sudden he was trying very hard to get my attention, and it worked. we became "friends" he wasn't able to deal with completely losing me. it mostly worked because i still love him and was in a codependent relationship with him, which was not over yet. anyway, we hung at least once a month starting in september all the way until just a few weeks ago and yes we were having sex. i guess i agreed to this because i thought he would want me back and that he would change and be the wonderful guy i know he can be, but i was mistaken. i found out he is still doing drugs and talking to as many girls as will give him attention. i know that he was just using me. so, i called him valentines evening to tell him he needed to get the last of his stuff, change his address etc. i was very nice about it and even made a joke about hanging out. he got furious and said that i shouldn't jk about that since we both know we shouldn't be hanging out. i called him a d* and said bye. than he texts me saying he is not a d*, just stressed about work and doesn't like to joke about hanging, and that he is sorry. i got mad because i felt like he effed me over the first time and now he is trying to call the shots again. so i text him back - i'm sorry too, things got messed up and yeah hanging is a sh*tty idea, i told him he really hurt me and that me seeing him and talking to him is only masking the pain, i told him i gave him my heart and that he did me dirty. i told him i was done with the illusion of him and that he never deserved to have me for a friend. i also told him i know he will regret losing me one day. than i said peace. he never wrote me back... i feel bad that i had to say all that to him but i also feel very liberated, i was never able to do that before. i hope i can keep up NC. who knows how i will feel tomorrow... wow it feels really good to write this all down...
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