romcalyla Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Hey this is my first time posting on here so hello everyone! I really need advice so please help! Okay I will try to make this as short as I can. I was in a relationship with a boy for a year and a half. He was my first serious relationship and he was also my first love. Toward the last two months of our relationship things were getting rocky because I kept having doubts about our compatibility. We are different in many ways but regardless he was still the first boy I was comfortable being myself with. He fell hard and I loved him back, but once he told me he could picture us getting married in the future I immediately got scared of the commitment because (as bad as this sounds) I never dated anyone else before him so how was I to know that he was the best thing for me? I'm only 21. So slowly enough, I became very guarded and found myself looking for reasons why we weren't compatible and it overcame me until I was convinced that we weren't right for each other anymore. The messed up part was that I still really wanted him to be my best friend. I kept fighting with myself the whole last month of our relationship because I didn't want to loose him completely but it was clear that the dynamic of our relationship changed. He called me one morning and ended it. For a whole month after that he'd drunkly contact me and tell me he wished he could hate me but he knew I really did care about him. I felt so guilty that I wasn't in love anymore. We decided not to talk anymore because it was making things harder. It was only after two months of not talking that I realized that I couldn't go on without him. I was stupid and he really was the best thing I could ever have. I finally decided to contact him, but once I did I found out he already started dating a girl a month after our break-up. I acknowledge that I messed us up but that news still hit me so hard. I couldn't believe he was so ready to move on so fast. It's been seven months now and not a day goes by when I don't think of him. I miss him so much but he's still with her. We recently started talking again and he'll contact me a few times a week. He actually told me that there will always be a part of me in his heart and that he was lucky to have me... but I can't bring myself to tell him that I still am deeply inlove with him and that I regret everything. He has a girlfriend and as much as I don't want to, I respect that. But still, the only reason I'm not dating anyone else isn't because I'm not attracted to the guys who ask me on dates or because I'm afraid of commitment. It's because I don't think it's fair to be with someone when my mind/heart is with someone else. Part of me hates him for recuperating so fast. So yes, this whole thing boomeranged on me and now I don't know what to. Should I tell him how I feel or should I just move on? Is it okay to still talk to him? I don't know what to do Edited February 16, 2011 by romcalyla
collegeguy_24 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 You have to keep in mind that a reason he is dating the new girl is to get over you. To try and forget you and she is most likely a rebound. Personally, I'm for telling him how you feel, as I know if I was in his shoes I would want you to tell me. I say tell him, but then stop contact unless he contacts you, you have to be the one to put the ball in his court and let him decide. But you also have to prepared for him to say no because as you said, you screwed up, and bad to. If by some chance he says yes, things won't be the same, you'll have to prove to him that you really do love him and that you are in it for the long haul. Are you willing to work it?
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Agree with college guy. You need to not feel so bad, all doubts are normal. And they are much more common in young women, you women are almost all scared of committment especially if he drops the m word lol. That's why most of us guys learn to avoid it until after a good 2 or more years you know. Like I thought I could with my ex, but I never mentioned it, I didn't want to scare her you know? You got scared, it's okay, you need to show him you really love him and you are sorry and want him back. He will probably be hard and cold at first, his guard up. If he really loved you he most liekly still hasn't moved on and will take you back IF HE THINKS HE CAN TRUST YOU AGAIN. Trust is a big thing for guys so you need to get it back. You guys also need to communicate better should you get a second chance, let him know how you feel. Guys aren't mind readers, we are bad with emotions and expect you to communicate them to us, if you on the other hand expect us to get you without you talking to us it is a recipe for disaster. Realize a second chance needs not only love but trust, communication, and honesty. Now the dreaded rebound, this makes your situation more complicated. I would advise letting it play its course, if it is a rebound the odds are highly in your favor simply because he hasn't had a proper chance to heal. However it could aslo turn into something more serious and help him heal, it's really a two sided coin. I say maybe tell him how you feel, but don't push him to break up with his new girl. Let him make that decision, make your feelings known to him really known and then back off and let him decide. Good luck -Gator
2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) Gator said: You guys also need to communicate better should you get a second chance, let him know how you feel. Guys aren't mind readers, we are bad with emotions and expect you to communicate them to us, if you on the other hand expect us to get you without you talking to us it is a recipe for disaster. Second that! That's how it happened with my ex, she never said anything and built up all these doubts because I wasn't "perfect", these doubts were then turned into coldness towards me, she started shunning me, after all the bonding and getting to know her over a good few months then dating for the next few months. In short she was a commitment phobe, too happy in her wee world of make believe lol and couldn't get out it and go for what she really yearned for. I believe it's too late now for both of us and I would be dreaming if I thought we were ever to get back together. Romcalyla: What happened in that month you were talking about when he drunken text'd you etc? How did you feel about things at that point and were you communicating with him or sort of trying to avoid him? When you say "we" decided to stop talking, was that a totally mutual agreement or did it just stop? 2011 Edited February 18, 2011 by 2011
Author romcalyla Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Romcalyla: What happened in that month you were talking about when he drunken text'd you etc? How did you feel about things at that point and were you communicating with him or sort of trying to avoid him? When you say "we" decided to stop talking, was that a totally mutual agreement or did it just stop? 2011 During that first month, I felt incredibly awful for making him sad and angry. It wasn't even that I wanted to clear my conscience of the idea that someone was mad at me, as much as it was that I really hated seeing him upset. So I didn't avoid him but instead just told him things would get better. I honestly had no idea what to say. He was the one who initially made the decision to cut all contact with me. It was only after that period of time that I realized I made a mistake :/
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