squirtle Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 hi guys! so im going to try to keep this short cause its a rather long story. My bf and I have been together for a year and a half. This year and a half has kept my life in turmoil. He has cheated on me, emotionally abused me by calling me names, lying to me and making me feel like trash. And in October of last year the abuse became physical when he was drinking and he punched me in the face sending me to the hospital where I ended up with 6 stitches. I spent a month in the women's shelter and I am ashamed to say that I have taken him back. I have never felt so low in my life and when I explain the whole relationship it sounds CRAZY but when I leave him it kills me. My family doesnt understand how I could be with a "psycho" as they call him but they dont see the good parts and the good times we have. He has ALL of the blame for everything bad in the relationship on me and wont accept responsibilty.His family has also been after me to try and get the charges dropped against him (he was charged with assault causing bodily harm)Now that he is out of town he just abuses me on the phone, gets drunk and screams at me. Tries to say i am arguing with him. I KNOW I should hate this guy and stay away from him , it would be the sensible thing to do. But he has such a hold on me and I am just seeing it now. Since he has been gone away for work Ive been able to take some positive steps in the right direction, I ve gone to the doctor and he told me i have circumstantial depression so i am taking antidepressants for that. I've quit smoking and drinking and am also working with the job bank to get some training and improve my career future. ( im currently unemployed. i was a waitress and my job closed in january) it seems that everything bad has happened at once and i think thats how i ended up running back to him, its just so tempting cause he is fine for months at a time. he is the man ive always dreamed of. Just a couple weeks ago he had rose petals everywhere and music playing. But for the most part im not happy im just scared to let go.ive tried and failed leaving him about 5 times now. when i break up with him he posts really horrible things about me on facebook and I always end up looking like the bad guy- so much so i think i am now.! hes really screwed me up mentally and I KNOW that if i ever want to advance in life , i need to leave him. I guess the point of this post is just to talk to any one else that has gone through this and what they did to help themselves? i am attending a group meeting on domestic violence tomorrow at the local womens shelter. i know this all sounds so crazy and messed up and i feel like an idiot writing this but I guess I would just like to hear from someone that can relate and kinda lend me some support :S and please no negative comments i dont feel like hearing them cause ive definitely heard them before. thanks. btw. i am 22 and he is 28. I feel ready to leave at this point i just second guess my decision. so i think that might be some progress??!
Author squirtle Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 i also just wanted to add that he is a master at manipulation. he is SUCH a good liar and i think thats why i have a hard time wrapping my head around his crazy behaviours. I dont understand WHY he would do these things? and how can he be my best friend one moment and my worst enemy the next. will he always be like this? im always scared i will leave and he will find someone else and treat them like gold... i know that sounds kinda irrational but everything kinda seems that way lately.
Hote204 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Hey, come on, you can do it! I left my a hole boyfriend about 3 months ago and yes, i did go back for a brief time. The only thing i can say is that by saying you can see whats going on, you truley are opening your eyes to it. Our situations sound similar but i was never hit, just intimitaded and had things thrown at me. Everyone will tell you he's a loser until they are blue in the face, but the absolute truth of the matter is, until you see it YOURSELF you wont believe it. You know he is destroying you. You are ASHAMED at going back to him. Why would you feel like that if this was a loving safe relationship? You are 22 and literally have the world at your feet. GET RID! I took my back after him putting me on medication due to all the stress, promising things had changed and that he would treat me better. Within a week, we were back to the same. Telling me he will find someone else blah blah blah na causing fights to stress me even more. No one wants to beleive these people can change more than me, i had to let someone go that i loved when it became clear, THEY DO NOT CHANGE! He wont treat anyone like gold as he is incapable. And besides, think of yourself. He isnt treating you like gold..so why would you want to stay??
Author squirtle Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 its sooo nice to hear from someone that understands! i can honestly tell u i had no idea all of his behaviours were abuse until i went into the shelter. I always excused it as him being stressed or having too much to drink, drug problems, etc. What really opened my eyes is I now feel like people think I'm crazy for still being with him, not so much as what they say but u know when u just get a feeling?! im shocked that ive been oblivious to everything the whole time, and even though my mind goes back n forth on leaving him... i feel it deep down in me if i ever want a good future. My biggest fear is waking up when im 50 and just being so beaten down by him cause hes already done a good job of it. i still have the odd thought that he will change but then i think of the hell he put me through since ive known him and i dont feel like wasting more time. i KNOW there is a better guy out there for me in my mind, but my heart is always telling me different. so im kinda trying to use my brain more than my heart! he always tells me that i am the only person he has ever loved this much and that eats at me but im starting to see how cliche that is . Im starting to see I dont WANT to wait to be hurt even more (especially mentally, cause the punch in the face was nothing compared to how he makes me feel inside). I just need to sort through all these fears I have about leaving and guilt about leaving. I really truly feel sorry for him as his dad beat his mother and him when he was growing up but I am trying to put myself first its just challenging sometimes. Im tired of feeling crazy and so drained and theres always a sinking feeling in my stomach that something bad is coming. how did u manage to leave?! and how long did it take to stop really really missing him?! dd he put a lot of guilt on you and stuff too \?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Wow, don't give up on yourself!! There are so many others who are in the very same shoes who have never been brave enough to spend a month in the womens' shelter. Deep down in it seems you have some of the reflexes necessary to demand better treatment from men. One thing that should help you to move on is the high probability that your present 'conditioning' (lets call it) is setting you up for a future filled with the same sorts of men and the same sorts of treatment. The earlier someone makes a sharp break from the abuse cycle, the less likely it becomes that she is drawn back into the abuse cycle for life...
Author squirtle Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 thanks for the support sincereonlineguy. I actually just got in from a group meeting on domestic violence. It's the first one I've been to and I am soooo happy I went. I knew a couple of girls there already and it was just so comforting to know I'm not the only one, that im not crazy and that there IS life after leaving. I agree with u on the fact that deep down i do know how men should treat me but when u feel so low yourself and not confident , I think I might attract these types?! And that is what I want to change. I am tired of my life always being in turmoil with him and I feel that if I don't move on my life is gonna stay at the point it is now and I will be miserable. I just have a problem sometimes in the fact that I read up on abusive relationships and get all the facts but its hard to wrap my head around the fact that MY relationship is abusive. but i am working as hard as i can to get the strength to leave BEFORE another incident happens.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Wow! It soooooooooooooo feels like I'm seeing/feeling rays of bright sunlight landing in spots where they've not shone in recent times. That vibe is so healthy! (your latest report)
quankanne Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 hang in there, kid, and know that you've got support here at the 'Shack. I've not been in an abusive relationship, but I've got a close relative in an abusive marriage who has convinced herself that it's where "God wants her to be" because of all the crap her husband has put into her head. And it's to the point where she's cut off all contact with the family for about the past two years. As an outsider, the only thing we can do for people in your position is pray for you and your abuser, and then be here for you when you're ready to make that leap from abused woman to abuse survivor. something you posted has me wondering. You said, "he always tells me that i am the only person he has ever loved this much" ... in my book, respect is a HUGE part of love. That's not to say you don't disagree about things or even fight, but even when you do, there's a basic respect you have for each other and you understand that the differences aren't tools for abuse, but fodder for understanding each other better. With respect comes healthy love, so to speak. And you are very much worthy of a healthy love even if you've convinced yourself that this man is "the one" you're meant to be with. something else sticks out in my head, a fact about abuse: It takes a woman an average of seven times to leave her abuser, and sometimes it's in a body bag ... don't become that fatality, squirtle – for all the abused men and women out there, for all the families who have a loved one in an abusive relationship who can't/won't get out. I know it's hard, but you've got a support system in your friends, in your family, in the programs that address this issue – we will help you however we can to get back on your feet. it kills me to read these posts, because I picture my relative, someone I've loved from the minute she came into this world, who has been the apple of my eye. It kills me because she's got two young children who are now part of the abuse cycle, who she thinks she's "protecting" by staying with her abuser, but who are in a losing situation. Be strong. Walk away even if it breaks your heart because it means you choose to be a survivor. will keep you in my prayers, that you receive the strength and grace you need to do what you need to do to help yourself. XXX, jo anne
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