Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Hey, I gave it my best shot. Sometimes nature opts certain potentials out of the genetic process. AFAIK, none of the women I dated as a result of meeting online ever lied about their age. I know my exW certainly didn't. TBH, even if they did, and we got on and enjoyed each other, I really wouldn't care. Lying about their marital status, OTOH, is a whole different can of worms. BTST. Of course, that's the perspective of a 51 yo, so YMMV. CH, I'm surprised that you would be OK with knowing someone lied about something as insignificant as their age.
carhill Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 When you get to my age, you'll become more used to people lying. It goes on all the time in business. It is what it is. I examine the real impact and accept it. It's part of adjusting expectations to focus more on living a healthy life rather than concerning myself with how others live theirs. If they lie, they do. It is what it is. Hey, I said that twice
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 When you get to my age, you'll become more used to people lying. It goes on all the time in business. It is what it is. I examine the real impact and accept it. It's part of adjusting expectations to focus more on living a healthy life rather than concerning myself with how others live theirs. If they lie, they do. It is what it is. Hey, I said that twice I can see why people lie in business in some instances, but interpersonal relationships? That is very deceptive.
Cee Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm with Carhill. There are worse lies out there like, "I am not married." I went on a date with a guy who shaved 7 years off his age. He came clean on the first date. I completely understood why he did it. He was 46 and played volleyball as a sport. The man was incredibly fit and active and wanted to not get written off because he was over 40. People sometimes rush to judgement when they read an age on an online profile. I lie sometimes on online profiles (non-dating) about my age. Part of the reason I do it is to make me less identifiable to strangers. Also, I don't think my age is a piece of information than any random person should know. Especially future employers who may deem me as "too old." I like how people put 99 or 108 as their age on profiles sometimes. That's pretty cool to me.
purple_cloud Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 When you get to my age, you'll become more used to people lying. It goes on all the time in business. It is what it is. I examine the real impact and accept it. It's part of adjusting expectations to focus more on living a healthy life rather than concerning myself with how others live theirs. If they lie, they do. It is what it is. Hey, I said that twice Want to meet up and make a baby?
carhill Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I can see why people lie in business in some instances, but interpersonal relationships? That is very deceptiveIn any case, it is deceptive. I accept that. I can choose how to react to it. Will the lie rule my behavior? I see it as similar to other unhealthy behaviors which may undermine an interpersonal relationship. I can choose to no longer associate with that person or believe anything they tell me. Either course of action respects the feelings without burdening myself with *caring* about their behavior. It's a part of the caring less philosophy I processed as a result of my failed marriage and divorce. So, if I met a lady online and she lied about her age, saying she was my age when she was in fact say 60, I would balance that lie with other aspects of her behavior and disclosures and decide if her presence in my life was positive. If so, I'd ask her why she lied, in a non-confrontational way, and perhaps gain more insight. 'Why did you tell me you were 51 when you were really 60?' Listen. Accept.
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I'm with Carhill. There are worse lies out there like, "I am not married." I went on a date with a guy who shaved 7 years off his age. He came clean on the first date. I completely understood why he did it. He was 46 and played volleyball as a sport. The man was incredibly fit and active and wanted to not get written off because he was over 40. People sometimes rush to judgement when they read an age on an online profile. I lie sometimes on online profiles (non-dating) about my age. Part of the reason I do it is to make me less identifiable to strangers. Also, I don't think my age is a piece of information than any random person should know. Especially future employers who may deem me as "too old." I like how people put 99 or 108 as their age on profiles sometimes. That's pretty cool to me. Well, if this guy had come clean off the bat, I would have a different opinion, but I went on three dates with him and he had lied more to keep up the deception. When would he have come clean? That's my issue.
carhill Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Want to meet up and make a baby? LOL, I have it on good authority from my exW that I'm infertile. Once I get my business back on track, I'll look into adoption. It's hard for a single male, especially one my age, but possible. Anything is possible
xpaperxcutx Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm with Carhill. There are worse lies out there like, "I am not married." I went on a date with a guy who shaved 7 years off his age. He came clean on the first date. I completely understood why he did it. He was 46 and played volleyball as a sport. The man was incredibly fit and active and wanted to not get written off because he was over 40. People sometimes rush to judgement when they read an age on an online profile. I lie sometimes on online profiles (non-dating) about my age. Part of the reason I do it is to make me less identifiable to strangers. Also, I don't think my age is a piece of information than any random person should know. Especially future employers who may deem me as "too old." I like how people put 99 or 108 as their age on profiles sometimes. That's pretty cool to me. The problem I'm sensing that PG has is that if anyone has reasons to lie about their age ( as insignificant a number it is; unless age really repel potential younger dates) then they have reason to start lying about other things. While age is, really, just a number, it doesn't excuse the terrible precedent it sets for future dates.
Kamille Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm with Panda. I don't get it. To some extent I think it makes more sense to lie about 7 years than it does to lie about 2 years. At least the guy in Cee's example had a reason for why he lied. This guy? Two years? Who lies about two years??? What difference do two years really make - especially considering the 26-33 age range of the women he's interested in? It just doesn't make sense.
mtber75 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 WTF! Women lie about their ages all the time! I had a girl telling me once that she was 24 only to find out through her facebook page that she's 19??? So I think you going a little overboard by thinking that "he'll lie about other things." It just might be nervousness?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm with Panda. I don't get it. To some extent I think it makes more sense to lie about 7 years than it does to lie about 2 years. At least the guy in Cee's example had a reason for why he lied. This guy? Two years? Who lies about two years??? What difference do two years really make - especially considering the 26-33 age range of the women he's interested in? It just doesn't make sense. Maybe 2 years actually correlate with how long one lasts in bed? Can turning back the clock help to up one's libido? :lmao: Heh it's a hypothetical question.
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I'm with Panda. I don't get it. To some extent I think it makes more sense to lie about 7 years than it does to lie about 2 years. At least the guy in Cee's example had a reason for why he lied. This guy? Two years? Who lies about two years??? What difference do two years really make - especially considering the 26-33 age range of the women he's interested in? It just doesn't make sense. Once again Kamille -- you are my mindmate. His 26-33 age range is totally acceptable whether he is 32 or 34. It makes so sense!
carhill Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 OK, let's look at levels... I recall a few women, including my exW, being 'optimistic' about their weight in their profiles. Also, some 'adjust' their height. Some have a fondness for pictures from a different era. Etc, etc. Having always been straightforward and honest in the online dating arena, I can understand the desire to 'sell' oneself to their target market. Being honest doesn't always 'sell', simply because it narrows the range of potentials, especially amongst the group who have experienced people 'selling'. If I say I'm separated, am I really married looking for a little side action? No, I'm not (and wasn't) and my then stbx and I lived 20 miles apart in our own homes and had filed for divorce. However, is this customary or is it often the case that a man 'lies' about being separated? Would potentials apply their own perspective to my words and pass me up as a potential? Sure they would, and did. Even the women of LS, who have seen my posting style, said they wouldn't date me as a separated man. They were applying their own perspective. Had I said I was divorced, would that change anything? Maybe not, but it might have, under the right circumstances, caused one potential to invest in a dynamic she might otherwise have passed up and, then, later, upon learning of reality, been appropriately disappointed, but the chance of that investment still growing would have been there where it wouldn't have prior, since she would have dismissed me outright since I was 'still married' (which I legally was). The OP has dealt with this honesty/disclosure dillema wrt her HSV status, and I understand and accept and *respect* her perspective. I'm offering one potential way of handling other perspectives, ones which don't agree with hers and ones she might not (and apparently doesn't) endorse. As always, with things carhill, YMMV
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 OK, let's look at levels... I recall a few women, including my exW, being 'optimistic' about their weight in their profiles. Also, some 'adjust' their height. Some have a fondness for pictures from a different era. Etc, etc. Having always been straightforward and honest in the online dating arena, I can understand the desire to 'sell' oneself to their target market. Being honest doesn't always 'sell', simply because it narrows the range of potentials, especially amongst the group who have experienced people 'selling'. If I say I'm separated, am I really married looking for a little side action? No, I'm not (and wasn't) and my then stbx and I lived 20 miles apart in our own homes and had filed for divorce. However, is this customary or is it often the case that a man 'lies' about being separated? Would potentials apply their own perspective to my words and pass me up as a potential? Sure they would, and did. Even the women of LS, who have seen my posting style, said they wouldn't date me as a separated man. They were applying their own perspective. Had I said I was divorced, would that change anything? Maybe not, but it might have, under the right circumstances, caused one potential to invest in a dynamic she might otherwise have passed up and, then, later, upon learning of reality, been appropriately disappointed, but the chance of that investment still growing would have been there where it wouldn't have prior, since she would have dismissed me outright since I was 'still married' (which I legally was). The OP has dealt with this honesty/disclosure dillema wrt her HSV status, and I understand and accept and *respect* her perspective. I'm offering one potential way of handling other perspectives, ones which don't agree with hers and ones she might not (and apparently doesn't) endorse. As always, with things carhill, YMMV Again, in reference to the bolded above, making yourself two years younger is not a significant "sell" or "loss." I don't know many people above the age of 25 who would find a two year age difference a dealbreakr.
carhill Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) OP, you have no way of knowing what his life experience has been, what his psychological style is or anything really significant about him. He is, essentially, a stranger. Sometimes it is, indeed, a strange world. Hope the next one matches up better ETA, I just got this image of a dog with a bone in my mind. Is it tasty? IMO, laughter can be good medicine for such occurrences. Kinda puts things into perspective... Edited February 16, 2011 by carhill
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 OP, you have no way of knowing what his life experience has been, what his psychological style is or anything really significant about him. He is, essentially, a stranger. Sometimes it is, indeed, a strange world. Hope the next one matches up better Yes he is a stranger, and I will let this go, but I can't imagine that anything very significant would make it ok to lie about your age by two years. I know other people think it's ok to lie about your age on dating profiles, but I find it to be pretty dishonest and a total turnoff.
carhill Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Any thoughts about your ex during this process? Good information can come in strange ways
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Any thoughts about your ex during this process? Good information can come in strange ways Actually, yes! Though my ex and I were not a lifelong match, it did make me think back to when I told him about having herpes. He was very accepting and told me we would deal with it, but what mattered most was that he wanted to be with me. If anything, he taught me what it is like to have man truly into me. And that was actually a very comforting thought with this most recent disclosure that did not end in acceptance. I know that someone will feel that way about me again. For all his faults, he was a really good person to me (for the most part ).
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Hi PandaGirl, Over 2yrs ago I dated someone who said he was 37 based on his match profile. He actually lied by 3 yrs I later found out but I think I had been dating him about 6wks at the time. I found out because he was going to run a marathon and just out of curiosity I googled him to see his previous finishing times and it showed his age in whatever year the race was. So it meant he had to be 3 yrs older. In that case, it did make my mind race like what else is he lying about. It definitely led me to doubt generally. Same thing - 3 years! Why? So anyway I didn't direct it that way to him but just asked how old he was and he said 40. I wsa 31 at the time and so 40 did seem like a bigger number to me then but it was still strange that he would bother to adjust his age by 3 yrs. SO I did ask, why did it say you were 37 on the website and he said oh he accidentally put that. . .Well I didn't go into it but comeon! I ended up dating him about 3 months in total but I think I always thought what's up with this guy after that. Bottom line - I have been there and I do empathize with you for that reason. I don't understand the point! Also given your disclosure and magnitude of that information, it makes even more sense that it rubs you the right way.
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Hi PandaGirl, Over 2yrs ago I dated someone who said he was 37 based on his match profile. He actually lied by 3 yrs I later found out but I think I had been dating him about 6wks at the time. I found out because he was going to run a marathon and just out of curiosity I googled him to see his previous finishing times and it showed his age in whatever year the race was. So it meant he had to be 3 yrs older. In that case, it did make my mind race like what else is he lying about. It definitely led me to doubt generally. Same thing - 3 years! Why? So anyway I didn't direct it that way to him but just asked how old he was and he said 40. I wsa 31 at the time and so 40 did seem like a bigger number to me then but it was still strange that he would bother to adjust his age by 3 yrs. SO I did ask, why did it say you were 37 on the website and he said oh he accidentally put that. . .Well I didn't go into it but comeon! I ended up dating him about 3 months in total but I think I always thought what's up with this guy after that. Bottom line - I have been there and I do empathize with you for that reason. I don't understand the point! Also given your disclosure and magnitude of that information, it makes even more sense that it rubs you the right way. ha! It was a "mistake." Please. That is such a bunch of baloney! It's interesting to hear you had this similar experience and how it affected you throughout the time you were dating. Were you never really able to trust him after you found out?
mortensorchid Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 A mistake about his age? I'm not buying that! What else is he lying about? I'm not sure, but whatever it is it isn't right! Move on ASAP!
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 ha! It was a "mistake." Please. That is such a bunch of baloney! It's interesting to hear you had this similar experience and how it affected you throughout the time you were dating. Were you never really able to trust him after you found out? Yeah I kind of was like who is this guy in the back of my head for the rest of the time. I think when I found it on the website I was considering not continuing to date him going forward already. I was going to watch him run the marathon so that's why I looked it up to begin with. Btw excuse my typo - as I didn't mean to say it rubbed you the right way. . I know you are smart and figured that out anyway;) I read some quote by Eva Longoria (sorry it's a guilty pleasure to read about celebrity gossip) and she said about her divorce ("Rejection is God's protection"). So I think that also applies for you here - it's for the best!
Author pandagirl Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Yeah I kind of was like who is this guy in the back of my head for the rest of the time. I think when I found it on the website I was considering not continuing to date him going forward already. I was going to watch him run the marathon so that's why I looked it up to begin with. Btw excuse my typo - as I didn't mean to say it rubbed you the right way. . I know you are smart and figured that out anyway;) I read some quote by Eva Longoria (sorry it's a guilty pleasure to read about celebrity gossip) and she said about her divorce ("Rejection is God's protection"). So I think that also applies for you here - it's for the best! Well, I'm not painting this guy out to be a villain. Many people under the disclosure of my condition would have chosen to walk away -- this doesn't make him a bad person. However, upon finding out that he's been lying about his age, it sort of makes me feel like I did dodge a bullet!
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Well, I'm not painting this guy out to be a villain. Many people under the disclosure of my condition would have chosen to walk away -- this doesn't make him a bad person. However, upon finding out that he's been lying about his age, it sort of makes me feel like I did dodge a bullet! Yes this is what i was getting at really - not that he was a villain for making his decision based on your disclosure. I know that sometimes when I lose someone or a relationship doesn't develop, I start thinking what a great guy I lost out on or what could have been (with some sandcastles I built in my head). So really, I was just emphasizing that what is gone may not have been all that great with that saying. . .I also like the little rhyme;)
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