unsure , and when.

[radleyshea]

i've been reading posts on here for the past day.. at first, i was thinking about writing in the "long distance" section, but then i saw someone write about "no contact" and i decided to stick with something like that, and write on here instead. i've been asking a lot of people for advice, and i guess i need some advice from people who don't know me, so there's not a bias. i feel like some of my friends are just saying "you guys will definitely get back together" cause they don't want to make me even more upset. so yeah, if you can put some input in after reading, i'd really appreciate it! hopefully it's not too long, i feel like i have so much to say!

 

so i met my current ex-boyfriend three months ago. i know we haven't known each other for a long time, but we fell for each other fast. it seemed so right, so it was like why not. i go to college in the city, and he goes to a college a little over an hour away. we met through mutual friends, who i don't talk to much anymore. we met with only a couple of weeks left in the semester and i visited 3 out of the 4 weekends left, so i was up there a lot just spending time with him. when we are together, absolutely nothing is wrong, and that probably still holds true. when he is home, he is a little over an hour away, but it's fine cause we both have cars when he is home, and over our month long winter break, we were together all of the time. and once again, things were fine, nothing big to complain about. about a month ago, we both went back to our different schools, and we really were going to try to make the long distance work. after the first week back, i went up to his school and visited him. everything was fine, as usual, and i was really sad before i left because it was going to be three weeks before i was going to see him again, which was this past weekend.

the time between when i last saw him and now has been pretty rough. i'm the kind of person who loves talking on the phone and texting all of the time, and i guess he wasn't, so one day he snapped and told me that we should do our own thing when we're apart. he explained how when we're together, he gives me all of his attention, but he wants to do his own things when we're not, and if i didn't ask him to call all of the time, he would probably call me on his own. i believed, and still do, that if i don't talk to him, he won't talk to me. later that week, he apologized and said that he hasn't been treating me like he should and he was really going to try to talk more. he said that before, but he did the opposite, but that time he was legit, and he really did try, which made me happy cause i knew we were back to a good place. we both kept saying how much happier we were now that we compromised.

however, last monday, he called me to tell me how his head wasn't in school anymore and how he maybe needs a break from it all. then it somehow led into how he is unsure about our relationship and he was going to wait until the weekend to see if he wanted to be with me still or not. obviously, i get really upset and start saying how it's not fair to me that i gotta wait around for him to decide. and eventually he told me that i was right and he thought it would be better if he was single and shouldn't come up this weekend. at this point, i was crying so hard, begging him to let me still come up. eventually, he went back to what he originally said.. i was going to come up to see if he still wanted to be with me. the next day he was being very distant and i just asked him if he was just in a bad mood yesterday and everything between us was fine, and he said it might have been. he still called me his girlfriend, which made me feel a little better. the next day, he didn't text me all day. after i was done classes, i just sent a casual "hey, what's up? hope you're having a good day." and he said he was and he feels a lot better about everything, which made me really happy. i was going back to my apartment off campus and asked if i could call when i get back. i didn't get a response, but when i was really close, he called. he basically told me that he doesn't think we should be together and how he doesn't love me the same way he used to. i asked him if it was the distance, and he said it was part of it, but i have a feeling that's the only reason, since we were apart for almost 3 weeks, the longest we've ever been apart. he said it wasn't anything i did, he said i was the perfect girlfriend, since i basically spoiled him. he did say that he wanted to work on our friendship, since we were only friends for like a week before we dated. this time, he said that it was up to me if i still wanted to visit him valentines day weekend. i said i wanted to come because i took off of work that weekend just for him. i kinda feel like i pushed him away cause i still asked to cuddle, if it was another girl, and since i took off work from spring break, i wanted to come up and visit again too. i also asked if we worked on our friendship, could we eventually go out again.. which, i know, was not good.. and he said he doesn't know since we're not at that point yet. last wednesday was the last time we talked on the phone.

last thursday, we didn't speak at all. i was still debating visiting him, but i was leaning more towards no. friday morning he texted me saying that he doesn't think this weekend is a good idea and it's too soon. i was upset, so i just responded back "i wasn't going anyway." then he said back, i didn't know what you decided and have a nice weekend. after, i asked him if there was something going on with his best friend, and he said no, and i was just going to leave it at that originally. but later that day, i apologized and he said he already forgot about it. he asked what i was doing this weekend, and since i was feeling a little sick that weekend, he wished that i'd feel better. he did the same thing on saturday too. just small, awkward conversation. i was set on always letting him text me first when we talk. on sunday, we had a nice conversation on facebook chat, which made me happy, but my friend told me to stop because we're going to start going too far into the friend zone. yeah, i want to get back with him, but he wants a good friendship, so i don't understand :/ so after reading about the no contact advice on here, i plan on doing just that. he usually starts conversations off by "hey" or "how are you feeling?" when i was sick, so from now on, i'm ignoring him. it's been two days since we last talked, and i've been doing alright. i'm still kinda down, and i just wish things were different. yesterday i looked at his profile and saw he commented on some girl's picture saying "beautiful" and it got me all upset. but she's from north carolina, and we're from pennsylvania.. how the hell does he know her? let alone how will that work? i have a feeling that if i ignore him, he won't keep trying to talk to me, i just think he'd give up. i want to really stick to no contact, but i also really want to be back with him. i keep thinking that we could hang out again once he's home for the summer in mid-may, but is that too soon? i always think of when we hang out again in the summer, everything will go back to how we used to hang out and it will be fine. and everything dating wise would fall back into place. i just don't know if it's a good idea :/ i know i won't visit him at school for the rest of the semester and if i did have a second chance, i wouldn't go three weeks without seeing him. just need some advice/ideas! thanks sorry if it was a lot.. just felt like everything was necessary.

Edited February 16, 2011 by radleyshea

[raincheck]

doesn't sound good . basically sounds like he is stringing you along and you are more than willing to sit around and wait for him to be into you again. and, i think you already know this; you're just too scared to let it go.

 

ya know, if a guy really likes you, you wouldn't be waiting around in anguish for him to attempt to talk to you or text you or call you and making up rules like, "i'll just wait for him to initiate every conversation." i know, because i've been there. and then, you're instantly so much happier when he DOES initiate a conversation, regardless of how casual or lousy it is, because you're happy he at least thought of you. it's proof that you're still on his mind, in some way.. somehow.

 

but honestly, it sounds like he is and has been distancing himself from you for a while. he has been pretty clear that he only wants to be friends right now, and you are just putting yourself in a bad situation by wanting to "work on the friendship" in hopes of maybe getting back together some day.

 

i would say, cut your losses and run, on this one. he just isn't sure about you. i don't think you need to bother analyzing the situation and wondering it is the distance, if it's college stress, if it's the girl from north carolina, etc. i know it's hard to turn your brain off. but i would say, just tell yourself that it's over and accept it. you don't need to blame yourself for any of this.. it is not anything you did.

 

you deserve better than this!! you deserve someone who is willing to give you more than just random bits of attention. you deserve someone who actually WANTS to be with you, and is sure of it! don't listen to your friends when they tell you these optimistic things.. they don't want to see you heartbroken, is all. as someone who is completely unbiased: he told you he doesn't love you the same way and he doesn't want to be together. what is more clear than that?

 

there's nothing beyond that. all you can do is let it go and go on living your life without him. life after him is not a dead end road, and he's certainly not the best boyfriend you're ever going to have. have faith in your worth and in your future

[radleyshea]

i guess you're right, but i'm still just always wondering when he comes home and we spend some time together, it might change. i'm trying to let go, but i always think about him. in just the short amount of time, i had something awesome with this guy, more than i had with anyone else, so that's why i kinda don't want to give up :/