Husband left myself and baby daughter and sided with his mother!

[Mom-of-4]

Hi there. I have been married to my husband for the past 6 months and during that time everything was great between us...we would laugh together, have fun together, he was my best friend and a great dad to the 3 children I have plus the daughter we share together who is only 13 months old. We just recently got married and just had our 6 month anniversary. Now here is the problem...

 

His mother has denied her granddaughter who is her son's daughter that we share together. She is 13 months going on 14 months. She laid eyes on her once and that was when she was just born. Since then she has said that the baby isn't her granddaughter. Totally unfair to the baby! Now my husband has a son from a previous relationship whom his mother tried at the time stating wasn't his either. But she went and paid for DNA tests to be done to find out and sure enough it was true. That was over 5 years ago. Now because I have 3 children from a previous relationship where I was never married but with the father for over 9 years, she thinks that I am a tramp and that having more than 1 child out of wedlock is just wrong. She has asked me to have DNA tests done but wants me to pay for it. I told her, what makes me any different than my husband's ex and she said lots. She has called me a slut and that I am no good. But yet I have been there for my husband in every shape n' form when she has decided to close the door on him. Because I didn't want to see my daughter hurt and I knew she was the only one that was going to be hurt by the denial, I asked my husband to stand up for me to his mother and tell her how it is. He believes that the baby girl is his without a doubt, he knows this.

 

Well he hasn't stood up to his mother and told her he doesn't appreciate his wife being called a tramp, that I am a good woman and treat him right. He hasn't done any of the sort. It came down to me telling him he had a huge decision to make...it being either becoming a man and standing up for his daughter and wife or leaving us so that his mother can run his life. Well on Valentine's Day he chose to run back to his mother and that is where he lives right now. He has chosen to end our marriage by removing his wedding ring, listing himself single on facebook and even went as far as to say he is interested in women.

 

Its pretty clear that he has made his choice and destroyed our marriage that was so good to run and be a mama's boy! And today he came to pick up his stuff with his mother and police to escort stating he was afraid of me. I am not a violent woman nor should he be afraid of me. He knows this but had to put the show on in front of his mother. Even the police officer seen it.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? His mother never gave me the chance to get to know me...she always snubbed me off and told him in a sarcastic voice "hope you guys are really happy together", and then when she realized that we were married (he chose to take me away and elope) she stated "I am not happy that he is married, but what can I do". She even stated "I can only see you both being married for 6 months".

 

I love this man with all my heart, I have taken care of him after a terrible accident that happened a year ago (before we were married) where he sat in the hospital for a month and after he got released and was bedridden for a week, I was the one that bathed him, made his meals, etc., all in all loved him! Gave him the courage to walk again because he felt he would never. His mother ran off on a trip to Florida at the time and wished for her son to take care of himself. I would allow that and swore I would take care of him myself.

 

But now he chose to live with his mother and ditch his family...me as his wife, his 13 month old daughter and 3 step children. He left us because that is what his mother wanted him to do.

 

Do I just let him go and live my life and continue to protect and care for my children, or do I give him a chance to think things through and work his way back to me? I love him, always will...but its time he removes himself from his mommy's boobie and become a man. All those that have seen him before and seen him how he was with me stated that we were good for each other because they noticed he changed for the better. I believe he is letting his mother control him...and I also know that he will never be happy with anyone regardless who she is because of his mother. She doesn't want her baby boy to grow up and become a man. And he is not allowing her to let him grow up either. Is there any way of correcting things or is it a waste of time? Someone please help me....

[Mom-of-4]

Someone must have some type of advice out there for me...I am totally devastated with respects to his decision. All I ask is if someone can tell me am I right to feel the way I do and to tell him how he should have stood up for me as his wife and his daughter? Or was I wrong in certain aspects...please don't be shy! It is a very sensitive subject when it comes down to an innocent child being caught in the middle of a huge mess. I was just trying to prevent her from future hurt by her grandma.

[whichwayisup]

Fact that he let his mom manipulate him just shows he may not be ready for you, being a father and a man. He let his mom come to the house, with cops in tow, because HE was scared of YOU? Wtf?

 

Put your kids first, protect them from this.

 

Let him go. he needs to grow up and realize what he's doing is immature and grow some balls so he can stand up to his mom.

 

Although, is it possible that accident has something to do with this? Was it a head injury?

 

Sorry that you are going through this. Rely on good friends and family to help you and support you.

[Mom-of-4]

Thanks for the advice...he was burnt in a grease fire a year ago out in the country in a house I had alone with my children...at that time we were just bf/gf. He was cooking me breakfast and the pot caught fire, which sent the smoke alarms going...he got injured trying to put the fire out and ended up wearing the pot. He was in the hospital for a month. I travelled 40 km's every second day to go visit him. I would have been there everyday but I just could not afford to and to take care of 4 children, one being a newborn infant at the time whom was our daughter together. We spoke on the phone everyday though...and I always encouraged him to be strong. I was his rock he said. His mom told me right to my face one time that I was leaving the hospital and ran into her that it was alright that everyone else was ok, and that he son sat up in a hospital bed fighting for his life. He had 2nd and 3rd degree burns to his leg, feet and hand. It was bad!

 

She ran off to Florida before he got out of the hospital and didn't want him returning to my home. I told him I would take care of him without question and I did just that. I bathed him when he couldn't move in bed, I made sure he had his meals, snacks, everything...I took care of him because I loved him. I did so much...

 

So many ppl told him I was a keeper...that some would have just left their other half because of all of that happening. I didn't feel obligated to do it. I did it because I wanted too. I hand my hands full taking care of a newborn infant, 3 other young children and my boyfriend whom couldn't even get out of bed. If that wasn't love...I don't know what was! And now he chose to leave me for his mother whom was more concerned at the time at pulling a lever at a casino and basking in the hot florida sun then what was going on with her son.

 

Now how is that fair? Yes I have alot of hatred for her...because I as a mother would never ever do that to my child(ren). I would have cancelled my trip regardless just so that if he ended up back in the hospital for whatever reason he would know I would be there without question. There were times that he almost ended up back because his temperature sky-rocketed. But I managed to get it under control...it was scary but I managed everyday to take care of him.

 

I am trying so hard to figure out this whole mess and put some insight onto it all...but honestly, I just don't understand how someone can take vows and not live by them.

[2.50 a gallon]

Raymond and Raymond's mom.

 

I am sorry to say, but I think that you are fighting a loosing battle. He is a man in a boys body. Pity him, as he is not a man, and probably never will be.

 

Until he makes a stand and decides to live his own life, there is little that you can do. She has broken him, so he does not know better.

 

Even if the DNA proves that this is his child, it will make no difference. She will find something else to cut you off at the knees.

 

You are not raising your children right. She doesn't like the way you keep the house. She doesn't like the way you decorated the house, the list will be endless, she will always find some fault to keep picking at you. Unless he puts her in her place, there is no way you can win.

 

My mom has some of his mom's traits. My sister has been married 3 times, and my mom was a contributing factor, in the break up of all 3. In fact she was the leading factor in the last two. She is divorced from her last H and they are living about 60 miles apart, but are back to being a commited couple. It P.O's my mom something fierce that they spend every weekend together. About twice a year, this time at Christmas, I had to tell my mom to drop it, asthey are in love , she is a grown woman and knows what she wants in her life, and it is nobodys business to tell my sister how to live her life.

 

She does the same thing with my GF. We have been together for over 15 years, and are in a very loving, living together relationship. And I know that my mom loves her and is greatful that she has come into my life.

 

But according to my mom, she has too many cats. She spends her money on frivilous things, etc. About twice a year, I have to let mom know that she is out of line. That this is our life, and we will live it the way we want

[Mom-of-4]

I am sorry that your family has had the same types of experiences Raymond.

 

Right now I just don't know what to do...do I begin a legal process to get full custody over my daughter that I share with him? Since this is so recent do I just wait a few weeks and see where that takes me? Or here's the big one...do I get the legal advice and get full custody over our daughter, plus some type of support in place that he is obligated to do since he is the one whom married me? I am all new to this...I never thought that this would happen in a million years. Just days before he stated that I was his best friend and he is glad that I am there to support him...then within a few days he couldn't see how I could give him an ultimatum. I was only trying to protect our baby girl.

[2.50 a gallon]

Five years ago she pulled the samething with her grandson.

 

She and he haven't changed.

 

Yes, get yourself and attorney, go for full custody, and child support now. He has abandoned you, this might make it easier.

 

It is wishful thinking to wait for him to change his mind and move back

[Mom-of-4]

Well I managed to get to the bottom of things. He would like to remain together and work on things. I suggested marriage counselling hoping that it will help us both out and he agreed.

 

Like he stated this is our marriage...not anyone else's. He still deeply loves me, and for the past few days before he left it was never a happy medium, it was always a low between us.

 

I also found out it was his mother that sent the police to the door to escort my husband in the house. And it was his mother whom stated to the police that he was scared of me. Now how much of that is true...I'll never know. But to me if he is willing to work our marriage out and this lop hole that it has right now, then we can only see where things go.

 

Has anyone else gone to marriage counselling?? Did it help or make things worse?

[debtman]

My stbx and I did go to MC 3 years ago, the first time she wanted a divorce. Within the first 5 minutes of the first session the counselor asked a few questions and said "MC will ONLY work if you BOTH want to save the marriage." My W had indicated that she wasn't sure if she wanted to. We did 3 more sessions together, fought after each one and I ended up doing 3 sessions by myself.

 

After 8 months of watching me make positive changes, she decided we could give the M another try, but she wasn't willing to go to MC again.

 

4 months ago, when she found OM, I suggested MC, IC, etc. but she wasn't willing to go. She is too stubborn and has too many insecurities to listen to someone else tell her she might not always be right.

 

That said, MC DOES work if both people are willing to be honest, open, and WORK on the relationship. It is NOT easy and you will learn many things that will upset you and make you question things about your personality.

 

I recommend taking separate vehicles to counseling so there is a "cooling off" time after the session. I also recommend scheduling times to "work" on the relationship outside of MC, where you just focus on talking and LISTENING to each other, being honest, etc. It's always good to start off those little talks by sharing things you love/appreciate about the other person. Notice things they do to help and mention those, thank them for being who they are.

 

MC is just a "starter" to help get things out in the open, the key is being able to communicate without arguing, being able to talk without feeling attacked and being able to share insecurities and feelings without being afraid of the other person's reaction.

 

This person is supposed to be your BEST friend, for LIFE. You should be able to tell them anything, anytime and not be judged or punished. You should not be afraid to share anything with this person. You should know they are on YOUR side, NO MATTER WHAT.

 

It DOES work, if you're both committed. It may not "fix" things, but it will at least make you aware of what can be worked on.

 

Good luck!

[Mom-of-4]

Well I thought that after our talk last night that he was willing to do MC and work all this out. But he has no plans on it right now. So something is obviously going on. He doesn't even wish to see his daughter at the current time. And now he was chatting with me on facebook in chat and then suddenly blocked me. First he says he wants to work out our differences, then not. He's one confused man!!

[2.50 a gallon]

I am sorry to say but I think that you are going to need to harden your heart and move on.

 

He is playing you. he said the right things, and got you to fall in love with him again, and thinking everything is going to work out.

 

It probably never will.

 

The only way that your marriage can survive is if the two of you treat his mom as the OW, and he must go with total No Contact with his mom, and that is not going to happen.

 

Without his going no cotntact, she will always be between you and your husband. You are trying to take her baby away from her, she needs him in her life daily, so unless, he agrees to never call, talk, text or personally see her again, your marriage will never succeed.

 

As I said in a previous post she will change tactics, critiize this, then critize that, your marriage will be under constant attack. And like a trickle of water dropping on a mighty stone, eventually breaks the stone, your marriagee will eventually fail.

 

As with the FB thing, it will be constant and you will never know from which the next attack will come.

 

See an attorney and get that baby some child support, before ahe finds away to give him the money, and file against you and take your baby away from you.

 

Please listen to me I have seen this go on in my family all of my life. My relationship survives because I do not let my mom disrespect my GF. The minute she does I let mom know it is none of her business (she don't like that very much).

 

Yes I still see my mom, and we go over to visit, and do things for her. But come the holidays, and the big family feast, my GF and I have our own, then go by moms. I have never invited my mom to dine with us and never will. She hardly ever visits our place, and if she does she stays outside, as to come inside she has to open her mouth. This is from a man who sees what is going on, loves my GF, and does not tolerate my moms interferance. Your husband does not have the nads to tell his mom where to get off.

[debtman]

2.50 is right. Like I said, if there aren't TWO people willing to work, it's a wasted effort for one person to spend energy working on it.

 

Move on, do the 180, get happy and confident for the sake of your daughter. Get active, get involved, get happy. If you have to, fake it for now.

 

He may change his mind, he may come back, he may decide you and your daughter are more important than his mother, but don't wait for his "mays."

 

Sorry to hear that, sounded hopeful for a minute there.

[Mom-of-4]

That is what I have been saying to my husband for a while now...distance himself from his mother and things will work between him and I.

 

He has been in constant contact with me for the past few days. We went and filed our income taxes together, and he handed over every penny to me. Now here is the problem. Beforehand I gave him $30 that he asked for, and then I gave him another $30 from the income tax return which wasn't alot to begin with that we got back since we had to file as a married couple. I thought that would be enough since he handed it to me not taking any for himself. He is staying with a family member as I speak...has been since he left here.

 

He states to me he has a solution to all of this mess...moving out of town so that when his mother wants to be realistic and accept things then she will come to him. He's talking about early summer. I told him that in order for that to happen we have to work on us long before relocation. Why would I just up and leave the city I was born and raised in to have the problems trail behind us.

 

He comes over last night and once the kids were in bed he asks me for more money. Saying for an emergency. With only so much money on hand, I stated to him that he could contact me if he runs into an emergency. He doesn't like what I told him, and immediately starts getting ready to leave. I spit out of frustration that it seems like its all about the money for him. That he's not willing to work on us. I stated to him that he walked out on us...to me I was being fair.

 

He states to me that no matter how wrong his mother does...he can't trade her in for another mother. Understandable, but to me my father doesn't run my life or marriage. My father will always be my father...as we grow up we realize that our parents are not always going to be there for us...and we marry our bestfriend/partner/lover/soulmate hoping that it'll be for life, until death do us part. I have found he is being sneaky and tells me that he doesn't want his family starting this garbage drama. That eventually they will know that we are working through things, but right now isn't a good thing. Why does he feel he has to be this way is beyond me!!

 

Anyways, after last night and things going good up until I told him that I'd give him money if he ran into an emergency...he left the house and his last $10 he had on him, he dropped onto my livingroom floor. He gets back to his uncle's place and messages me on facebook to tell me that the $10 bill is laying on my livingroom floor. What was the purpose of that? He states to me that he doesn't want it...and is sorry for asking for cash in the first place. Trying to make me feel guilty I am assuming. I believe he's got alot of issues....something I don't think I can help him with. And right now I have trust issues...something we have to work on without a doubt to make this marriage work. He says he had plans on coming home next week...I only think he said that because his mother leaves for Florida at the beginning of next month and can't complain to him and throw him ultimatums.

 

Money has never been an issue with our relationship, and suddenly he's making it out to be. I have 4 children over here to support and care for...he's not thinking about that. Oh well, all I can say is that in time we will see where things go...but right now we are just going around in a circle never getting anything accomplished.

[Mom-of-4]

Well its come down to me finding out he's having an affair with a co-worker of his mothers. When he was over last night he used the computer and logged into Facebook while I was busy...after he left to go back to his uncle's for the night I went to use the computer and seen his login name and password right there. So I entered into it. Wrong most likely, but when your gut instinct tells you something isn't right...you need to find out the truth correct? Well there was an incoming message from the young girl that works with his mother stating "that's ok, I am not feeling well tonight anyways, talk to you soon". And his message stating "sorry something came up and I can't make it by tonight, but message me letting me know you got this ok".

 

He has been for days saying he is trying to work on our marriage, and even went as far as stating that he would inform his mother that we are back together and move his clothes back in along with him later on this afternoon. Now that he has been caught, he says I am a jealous wife and that he never talks to this woman except when he see's her at his mother's place of work. Well I already know that's a lie. What do you all suggest? I already have in my head LAWYER! And under Canada's laws he is committing adultery.

[2.50 a gallon]

Sorry to read of the latest turn of events.

 

Same advice as last post, see and attorney. Your kids come first.