Liebe Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I feel already silly posting this, but I don't know what to do. I need somebody's opinion that is not in the situation! Only my best friend knows about my feelings. Get ready it's a long story! I met this guy in December 2009. We dated for a little over 3 month. I fell deeply for him. He was and is ALL I want! He broke up with me from one day of everything being alright to the other. It took me very long to get over him. He lives in the same city I live in. I didn't see him for 8 month, which is surprising to me, since we live only 20 mins walking from each other. Anyways last November I went out with a friend. We were on our way to the bathroom and ... there he was ... I had to look twice to make sure my eyes where not tricking me! He said hi and we had a little small talk. Then he went back to his friend and I pulled my best friend into the bathroom. She had never met him before. So she had no idea what was going on. In the bathroom I was so under shock, that I felt like throwing up. Later on that night he sent drinks over to us and when my friend had to leave, he invited me to hang with him and his friend. Which I did. That night I went home with him. It was so weird to be back at his place, after so long! He wanted to sleep with me but I couldn't. He said he that it might have been a mistake to break up with me and that he had never felt this kind of chemistry with anybody since! I told him to think about what he wants and that I can not just sleep with him like this. And then I left! I don't remember if it was the next day, but he called me. And said that he would like to be friends with me, I told him that we can try that. So we met a couple times for coffee or drinks. I thought I had my feelings for him under control. And my goal was to give myself a break from dating and heartbreaks for a while. So I told him that I wanted to add some benefits to our friendship! And I was fine with that for quite a while. But then he started introducing me to his friends and now all the old feelings are fully back. He doesn't know about that and I have no intentions of telling him about it. I think why it didn't work the first time is because he got really hurt from a prior relationship and has commitment issues now. And I was way to open about my feelings. I told him that I loved him, after 2 month, way too early, it was what I felt. But it put a lot of pressure on him, although I told him I don't need him to say it back to me, I just had to let him know. My plan is to carry on the fwb and see how much longer I can handle it and if he would change his mind! I feel like I can't live without him. I need to know if I should do that???
clueless24 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 if you are getting emotionally attached, I suggest you stop the FWB relationship with him. If you don't now, it'll just be more heartbreak for you in the future. Perhaps you can tell him you have strong feelings for him and would like more than FWB but leave it up to him to decide what he wants from this. If the feelings are not mutual, then you guys should walk separate ways. Remember, you have been hurt by this guy before, he can hurt you again...trust me, the pain is just as sharp and may even hurt more. Good luck.
CoralRain Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Feeling like you can't live without someone is not a good place to be in for a healthy, loving relationship.
Author Liebe Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 But if I don't wait until he either wakes up or breaks my heart again, I will always have in the back of my head the "what IF?" He has commitment issues, so telling him, AGAIN, how I feel, will just freak him out! I need to know how I can control my feelings for him! If that's even possible!
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 But if I don't wait until he either wakes up or breaks my heart again, I will always have in the back of my head the "what IF?" He has commitment issues, so telling him, AGAIN, how I feel, will just freak him out! I need to know how I can control my feelings for him! If that's even possible! And you see sleeping with him as an incentive to change his mind? If you really want him to " come around" stop belittlng your own self-worth and quit the sex ( without emotions) while you're ahead. You're allowing yourself to get hurt and you know it.
Author Liebe Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 no ... I don't see it as an incentive to change his mind! My goal for 2011 was no dating, no feelings, just fun! I don't like one night stands, so sleeping with somebody that knows what you like is way better. I had 3 FWB's, but eventually the feelings for him came back and I couldn't do it with anybody else anymore and now I can't stop! And I don't think I am ahead anymore! I think I will write a letter for him and give it to him when I'm ready. I don't know what else to do. We have mutual friends now, so everything is harder. I don't want to give him any drama, so just having him read that letter when I'm not there is easier for me and him, I think!
Stockalone Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 My goal for 2011 was no dating, no feelings, just fun! I don't like one night stands, so sleeping with somebody that knows what you like is way better. For someone who wants sex without feelings, you sure picked a peculiar username. I had 3 FWB's, but eventually the feelings for him came back and I couldn't do it with anybody else anymore and now I can't stop! And I don't think I am ahead anymore! I think I will write a letter for him and give it to him when I'm ready. I don't know what else to do. We have mutual friends now, so everything is harder. I don't want to give him any drama, so just having him read that letter when I'm not there is easier for me and him, I think! I think it is obvious that you are no longer okay with just sex. Feelings got in the way, so you have to think about what you really want. You'll also have to think about how to address the "what if" scenarios you have been wondering about. Do you want him to be your bf, would you be okay with just being friends? Do you really want to keep having sex with him is that is all you'll ever be, a friend with benefits? Can you deal with you emotions, even if you keep seeing him (sex or no sex)? Those are the kind of things you should probably be thinking about. How you can move on from this, which course of action to take. Writing a letter isn't the worst idea, it allows you to take your time and write down everything you want to say to him. However, once he has read your letter, I think you two need to have a talk as well. Just to make sure there are no misunderstandings and also to decide how to proceed based on his reaction to your letter.
Author Liebe Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I think I have to stop seeing him all together. I could never bare seeing him with somebody else! I want him as my bf, but I have realized that this isn't going to happen. I have never loved anybody the way I love him, that's way I can't have him in my life anymore! ... God this already brings tears in my eyes just thinking about not seeing him anymore, sex or no sex!
britchick Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Please be honest with yourself, you are in love with a man who doesn't appear to love you back. FWB is all very well if you can take or leave someone but in your situation....well you are just fooling yourself. Letter or no letter, it's pretty clear, he seems to know how you feel and that is why he backed off and then returned thinking he might now be 'safe' from you asking for more. It sounds like you are young and without wanting to sound like I am talking down to you.......every single person on here has at some point probably thought that they cannot imagine life without the one they love. Well, they did it and moved on and so can you. You will probably have many important people in your life and all of them will teach you something. It sounds like it is time for you to move on. xxxx
Stockalone Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I think I have to stop seeing him all together. I could never bare seeing him with somebody else! I want him as my bf, but I have realized that this isn't going to happen. I have never loved anybody the way I love him, that's way I can't have him in my life anymore! ... God this already brings tears in my eyes just thinking about not seeing him anymore, sex or no sex! You probably can't see it at the moment, because you are still hurting, but I hope you'll eventually realize that there is absolutely no reason why you should even want to love someone who doesn't love you.
Author Liebe Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 You probably can't see it at the moment, because you are still hurting, but I hope you'll eventually realize that there is absolutely no reason why you should even want to love someone who doesn't love you. Yeah I know, unfortunately sometimes our heart doesn't listen to what our mind says. I am turning 28 and I have met quite some men in my life and fallen for them, but I have never felt what I feel for him! But I love him too much to have him in my life, since he doesn't feel anything for me!
Author Liebe Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 For someone who wants sex without feelings, you sure picked a peculiar username. I think it is obvious that you are no longer okay with just sex. Feelings got in the way, so you have to think about what you really want. You'll also have to think about how to address the "what if" scenarios you have been wondering about. Do you want him to be your bf, would you be okay with just being friends? Do you really want to keep having sex with him is that is all you'll ever be, a friend with benefits? Can you deal with you emotions, even if you keep seeing him (sex or no sex)? Those are the kind of things you should probably be thinking about. How you can move on from this, which course of action to take. Writing a letter isn't the worst idea, it allows you to take your time and write down everything you want to say to him. However, once he has read your letter, I think you two need to have a talk as well. Just to make sure there are no misunderstandings and also to decide how to proceed based on his reaction to your letter. I picked that username, because all the ones I could come up with were in use already. Plus Love is really my problem right now. I didn't plan for this to happen. I definitely can't do the friends with benefits anymore. It's driving me out of my mind. I want him to be my bf, but I know this won't happen. After a lot of thinking I have finally realized that he will never love me I wrote the letter, but I don't know when to give it to him yet. Writing it was hard, but getting myself to actually give it to him is way worse. I know that it will mean that he will disappear from my life again!
Author Liebe Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Feeling like you can't live without someone is not a good place to be in for a healthy, loving relationship. But it is what happens when love hit's you! Logically I know I don't need anybody to survive, but there are people that you have in your life, where you feel loosing them will feel like ripping out your heart!
Author Liebe Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Please be honest with yourself, you are in love with a man who doesn't appear to love you back. FWB is all very well if you can take or leave someone but in your situation....well you are just fooling yourself. Letter or no letter, it's pretty clear, he seems to know how you feel and that is why he backed off and then returned thinking he might now be 'safe' from you asking for more. It sounds like you are young and without wanting to sound like I am talking down to you.......every single person on here has at some point probably thought that they cannot imagine life without the one they love. Well, they did it and moved on and so can you. You will probably have many important people in your life and all of them will teach you something. It sounds like it is time for you to move on. xxxx I am not soo young, I am turning 28 ... I know what you mean. And yes I have overcome a lot of heart breaks and I know I will get over this one as well! But and it's not because it's the most recent one, I have never felt about a guy this way before. I only dated him for a little over three month before and it took me all summer to get over him. YES I do feel insane, when I let this go through my head. But I believe there is only one BIG love for all of us. And this one is mine, unfortunately he doesn't love me and never will, I realized that!
heartshaped Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Personally, I think you should take a chance on having something with him, what makes you so sure that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you?
Author Liebe Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 Personally, I think you should take a chance on having something with him, what makes you so sure that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you? I have no idea, but he didn't want me last time, why would he have changed his mind? I wish he would want me, but ... The letter I wrote just explains my feelings and that I can't continue being friends with benefits anymore
Stockalone Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I picked that username, because all the ones I could come up with were in use already. Plus Love is really my problem right now. I didn't plan for this to happen. It just struck me as odd, that's why I commented on it. I meant no offense. I definitely can't do the friends with benefits anymore. It's driving me out of my mind. I want him to be my bf, but I know this won't happen. After a lot of thinking I have finally realized that he will never love me I wrote the letter, but I don't know when to give it to him yet. Writing it was hard, but getting myself to actually give it to him is way worse. I know that it will mean that he will disappear from my life again! Maybe he will disappear from your life again, or maybe he won't. Either way, if you give him the letter, at least you'll know where you stand. I believe that is better than uncertainty and having "what if" thoughts. Yeah I know, unfortunately sometimes our heart doesn't listen to what our mind says. As time goes by, our heart eventually agrees with what our mind knows to be true. At least that has been my experience. Then again, you are still in limbo, since you don't know for sure. That's why I think that giving him the letter is the right thing to do. I would rather push things in order to get a definite answer instead of the uncertainty. I am not soo young, I am turning 28 ... I know what you mean. And yes I have overcome a lot of heart breaks and I know I will get over this one as well! But and it's not because it's the most recent one, I have never felt about a guy this way before. I only dated him for a little over three month before and it took me all summer to get over him. YES I do feel insane, when I let this go through my head. But I believe there is only one BIG love for all of us. And this one is mine, unfortunately he doesn't love me and never will, I realized that! I don't believe that this sole big love is going to be an unrequited one. You could be right, though. Some people will never even find that one love, not even an unrequited one.
Author Liebe Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 It just struck me as odd, that's why I commented on it. I meant no offense. No worries, I wasn't offended by it Maybe he will disappear from your life again, or maybe he won't. Either way, if you give him the letter, at least you'll know where you stand. I believe that is better than uncertainty and having "what if" thoughts. Yeah the uncertainty is driving me insane right now. I am just waiting for an upcoming event that we are both invited to and then I'll give him the letter right after. It would be too awkward to be there with him after he got the letter! I don't believe that this sole big love is going to be an unrequited one. You could be right, though. Some people will never even find that one love, not even an unrequited one. I will keep you posted what happens after he got the letter just 23 more day ... I am awfully nervous!
xpaperxcutx Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I advise to sent him that letter through an email just to get things over with. The problem here is, this guy doesn't know what he wants. Yet, being a guy, wanting sex is natural. That is why he is comfortable with unattached sex but not ready for a committment. You really can't change a guy like that because they have GIGS and they'll never settle until they learn to stop taking things for granted. You sound like a great girl, and anyone ready for a relationship would jump to date you. However your preoccupation with one guy is hindering you from finding someone more compatible. It sucks to have to wait for someone to be ready for you so why not find someone who's ready and willing rather than just waiting? After you send him that letter, I advise you to go strict NC. Find a hobby and goal and stick with it. I know this is a forum and I normally do not advocate this, but we're going to proceed with a social experiment. I'm one to believe the heart grows fonder when the object of desire is out of reach. If this guy is as unattached as you say he is, then we're going to " compel" him to miss you. What you have to do is detach and start moving on from him. Find new hobbies and start doing things that are enjoyable yet profitable. People are generally attracted to sociable people. Since the two of you are going to be in the same social circle, you're going to become that person everyone flocks to. You're going to become a charismatic person who can live without a guy who wants nothing but casual relationships. Again, I'm not advocating you play games, but you are going to show through action that you're better off without him.
Stockalone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Yeah the uncertainty is driving me insane right now. I am just waiting for an upcoming event that we are both invited to and then I'll give him the letter right after. It would be too awkward to be there with him after he got the letter! I will keep you posted what happens after he got the letter just 23 more day ... I am awfully nervous! You are going to wait 23 days until you give him the letter? Is that the earliest you are going to see him again?
Author Liebe Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I advise to sent him that letter through an email just to get things over with. The problem here is, this guy doesn't know what he wants. Yet, being a guy, wanting sex is natural. That is why he is comfortable with unattached sex but not ready for a committment. I have to wait 23 more days, to get this one social event over with that we're both invited too and then I'll give it to him. Don't you think e-mail is too unpersonalized? You sound like a great girl, and anyone ready for a relationship would jump to date you. However your preoccupation with one guy is hindering you from finding someone more compatible. It sucks to have to wait for someone to be ready for you so why not find someone who's ready and willing rather than just waiting? Yes, I have noticed that. And I wrote that in the letter as well. That I am turning down really great guys just to be with him and that this is one of the reasons why I have to stop the FWB thing. After you send him that letter, I advise you to go strict NC. Find a hobby and goal and stick with it. I am planning to join a volleyball team. I don't have soo many friends here yet, because I moved to the country about 1 1/2 yrs ago and am very occupied with my job as well! I know this is a forum and I normally do not advocate this, but we're going to proceed with a social experiment. I'm one to believe the heart grows fonder when the object of desire is out of reach. If this guy is as unattached as you say he is, then we're going to " compel" him to miss you. What you have to do is detach and start moving on from him. Find new hobbies and start doing things that are enjoyable yet profitable. People are generally attracted to sociable people. Since the two of you are going to be in the same social circle, you're going to become that person everyone flocks to. You're going to become a charismatic person who can live without a guy who wants nothing but casual relationships. Again, I'm not advocating you play games, but you are going to show through action that you're better off without him. You so gonna have to talk me through that! It sounds like a great idea
Author Liebe Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 You are going to wait 23 days until you give him the letter? Is that the earliest you are going to see him again? No I'll see him before that, but we'll have this one event we're both invited to and I'll give it to him afterwards. I don't think I can see him for a while after he read the letter
Stockalone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 No I'll see him before that, but we'll have this one event we're both invited to and I'll give it to him afterwards. I don't think I can see him for a while after he read the letter If you feel that is your best course of action, then that is what you should do. I don't really understand why you would wait that long, but then again, I don't have to understand it. If you follow xpaperxcutx's advice and play games, you should keep in mind that playing games can backfire. But I am sure you already know that and if you believe it's worth the risk, you should be fine no matter the outcome.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I wouldn't give him that letter!!! All the letter will do is put that pressure on him again- the same pressure that sent him into retreat mode the last time things unravelled when he walked away. The bottom line is that if you have to ask where things stand, you already have your answer. In a healthy, reciprocal relationship, there isn't a lot of guess work about how the other person feels. You've been together on and off for enough time, and I only see sending this letter as a bad idea. At this juncture, you should be able to have discussions with one another. If you feel like your only recourse is to send him a letter and then hide from his reaction- that ought to tell you that this isn't a relationship that is heading in a healthy direction. If the two of you can't talk openly, you're not even close to being in relationship territory. I think you'd be much better off just backing off a little- make yourself a priority. Do what you plan and join some activities to make new friends, focus on developing your social circle to keep you occupied so you're not so focused on this guy. I wouldn't put pressure on him to make a decision (which is precisely what the letter will do). Perhaps if he sees you changing directions, he may also change his direction. If he doesn't, it was never going to happen anyway. There is something to said about teaching people how to treat you. If he's not able to make a commitment to you, take a stand and tell him outright that you deserve better- better yet, show him by making yourself a priority, then go and do it. This is only my personal opinion of course, but I've been in enough relationships (good and bad) to know that if you have to ask how someone feels, something is wrong. FWB relationships rarely work, because one person is always more invested than the other, and in this situation the person more invested is you... Not an ideal position to be in. If someone isn't capable of being the kind of partner you deserve, the only person that can change things is you- and how you make things better is by respecting yourself enough to say "no, I'm not going to participate in this". Then as hard as it is, you have to walk away. You two have enough history that you should be able to tell him face to face. If your intention of the letter is to force a decision from him, or prompt him to switch into boyfriend mode, I only forsee things ending in disappointment for you. When you consent to be someone's fwbs, when you have feelings for them, you're essentially consenting to accepting much less than you deserve. It's hard for a guy to respect that acceptance on your end(even though he's participating in it). None of what I am saying is meant to offend you, my only hope is that you come to the realization that you deserve better. When you raise your expectations for yourself, you'll not only choose better partners, you'll have better partners. I just don't see the need for a letter- simply tell him that you are ending things because you want something different. If there is a "what if"... the ball will be in his court to raise the stakes.
Author Liebe Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I wouldn't give him that letter!!! All the letter will do is put that pressure on him again- the same pressure that sent him into retreat mode the last time things unravelled when he walked away. The bottom line is that if you have to ask where things stand, you already have your answer. In a healthy, reciprocal relationship, there isn't a lot of guess work about how the other person feels. You've been together on and off for enough time, and I only see sending this letter as a bad idea. At this juncture, you should be able to have discussions with one another. If you feel like your only recourse is to send him a letter and then hide from his reaction- that ought to tell you that this isn't a relationship that is heading in a healthy direction. If the two of you can't talk openly, you're not even close to being in relationship territory. I think you'd be much better off just backing off a little- make yourself a priority. Do what you plan and join some activities to make new friends, focus on developing your social circle to keep you occupied so you're not so focused on this guy. I wouldn't put pressure on him to make a decision (which is precisely what the letter will do). Perhaps if he sees you changing directions, he may also change his direction. If he doesn't, it was never going to happen anyway. There is something to said about teaching people how to treat you. If he's not able to make a commitment to you, take a stand and tell him outright that you deserve better- better yet, show him by making yourself a priority, then go and do it. This is only my personal opinion of course, but I've been in enough relationships (good and bad) to know that if you have to ask how someone feels, something is wrong. FWB relationships rarely work, because one person is always more invested than the other, and in this situation the person more invested is you... Not an ideal position to be in. If someone isn't capable of being the kind of partner you deserve, the only person that can change things is you- and how you make things better is by respecting yourself enough to say "no, I'm not going to participate in this". Then as hard as it is, you have to walk away. You two have enough history that you should be able to tell him face to face. If your intention of the letter is to force a decision from him, or prompt him to switch into boyfriend mode, I only forsee things ending in disappointment for you. When you consent to be someone's fwbs, when you have feelings for them, you're essentially consenting to accepting much less than you deserve. It's hard for a guy to respect that acceptance on your end(even though he's participating in it). None of what I am saying is meant to offend you, my only hope is that you come to the realization that you deserve better. When you raise your expectations for yourself, you'll not only choose better partners, you'll have better partners. I just don't see the need for a letter- simply tell him that you are ending things because you want something different. If there is a "what if"... the ball will be in his court to raise the stakes. I am not giving him the letter to change his mind. I have realized that he will never love me. We have spent enough time together for him to realize what kind of person I am. If he still doesn't want me, then ... In the letter I am only explaining why I can't carry on what we have and that I also have to not see him for some time to get over the whole thing. It all hurts a lot, but carrying it on for too much longer, is driving me insane. You didn't offend me at all. I thank you for helping me
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