timmytucker Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I am a guy currently in a relationship with my girl best friend. And things are way more difficult than I anticipated. It's causing me and her both a lot of heart ache. I'm a senior in college. We have been close friends for three years. We told each other EVERYTHING. We completely trusted each other. We care for each other and always have been there for each other when the other was in need. But I guess the fact that we told each other everything is indeed the problem. I know all the details of her past relationships. I know all about the "slut phase" in her life when she acted carelessly about who she would sleep with. I know about the ordeal when she cheated on one of her boyfriends. One of her ex boyfriends, who I was friends with, use to tell me in detail about how sex with her was. I HATE knowing these things. She has had sex with 14 people. I have had sex with 3. She was the first girl I had sex with; it happened on a whim. She did not know I was a virgin until afterward; something which deeply upset her, but she eventually forgave me and understood why it was something I was so insecure about admitting to. Since I initially hooked up with her, there I have had one night stand, and one meaningless physical relationship that lasted about 3 weeks. It was generally pretty awkward and I did not derive much pleasure out of it. There were also a few flings, but nothing too serious; just girls who I was friends with that I fooled around with. I guess I have always sort of lacked confidence. And my best friend is someone that has always helped in that area-- making me realize that I am good enough, and I am a guy girls would desire. It doesn't help that I'm very picky too-- I don't wanna just **** any random slut, and never have been about that. I've always wanted to be in a relationship with someone I really connected with. And her-- for the duration of me knowing her, she has always had a guy in her life-- whether someone she was dating, or someone she was just hooking up with. She broke up with her boyfriend in August. The relationship had been going south for a while; he was addicted to drugs and treated her horribly. Finally she broke up with him. Now that she was single, me and her had a lot more time to hang out. We started hooking up and realized quickly how ****ing much we really adored each other. And we really do have a great relationship. We trust each other, and care for each other. We have deep conversations and there really is a connection going on between us. We have so many inside jokes and laugh together and really love the ****ing **** out of each other. But knowing about her past kills me. I didn't realize it would be like this. I didn't think it'd be an issue, seeing as how close we were and what a great relationship we had prior to dating. I thought it was something I'd be able to accept. I thought I'd be able to put the past in the past-- but this was just me trying to logically reason. I didn't realize how strongly emotions could take over when being intimately involved with somebody. And now that I am so intimately involved with her, it kills me knowing the details of her past intimacies. Knowing that so many other dudes have inside her and have felt the same thing I've felt and have gotten off on the same thing I get off to. Knowing that she derived pleasure from these other dudes; it makes me feel like I'm not special. When I have sex with her now, I can't help but to think sometimes "but so many other dudes have done this to her before!" and it ruins the experience for me. I have talked to her about these feelings and she gets really hurt that I feel this way. She assures me that she has never had a relationship, physical and emotional, with such a sense of closeness and openness. she assures me that she's never felt an intimacy so deep. And I believe her when she tells me those things. We are best friends; I saw her past relationships, and they were very unhealthy, for the most part. We click. But knowing the details of her past really kills me. Maybe I am too immature for this relationship right now? Maybe I'm too insecure? She knows that she has made mistakes in the past. And I know she's grown a ton over the duration of us knowing each other. But I still can't shake how I feel, despite how much I love her. What do you folk think?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Switch it around- if you weren't a virgin before her, and had been with several different girls, do you think she has a right to be upset that you were " whoring" yourself to other girls? Basically, you're stuck in a double standard. You expect your girlfriend to be " pure" and innocent, which is mostly an ideal of the hypocrite. Learn to accept the fact that other people, including your girl, has been with other people. It's a fact of life.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Oh just let it go. Be thankful that your girl is so hot and be happy that you are her man. Forget about the past and make the most of the present. If it works out, talk about the future with her, too.
Author timmytucker Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Switch it around- if you weren't a virgin before her, and had been with several different girls, do you think she has a right to be upset that you were " whoring" yourself to other girls? Basically, you're stuck in a double standard. You expect your girlfriend to be " pure" and innocent, which is mostly an ideal of the hypocrite. Learn to accept the fact that other people, including your girl, has been with other people. It's a fact of life. I understand the hypocrisy of this. There's societal and biological reasons for it. I was brought up in a society where girls got judged a certain way, and its hard for me to shake that. And the biological aspect: paternal genetic reassurance. guys are not attracted to promiscuity because when a woman has a baby, they know its theirs. But a guy can never be sure! Of course, the development of our frontal lobe allows us to reason past these instinctive feelings..... but the instinct is still there, somewhat. But its not even that I think it was so wrong for her to do what she did. I understand it. It must be hard to be a girl in our society where there are so many mixed messages concerning sexuality. She did exactly what mad other girls did. But its the fact that I know explicit details of her past encounters, and knowing these details kills me. And I can't help it! I don't want this to ruin my awesome relationship with her.
Alexz Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 There's really two things you can do here. 1) Dwell on her past. Let the subtle jealousy eat at you as you have some absurd disposition that you're previous best friend, now girlfriend, should have been your innocent sweetheart that gives herself to you. 2) Appreciate that fact that you finally got the best thing that could have happened. If you really love the **** out of eachother, don't be selfish and dwell on her past. Just love her for telling you everything about her previous life and present life, and let it fill you with the fact that you have a mutual trust that is unyielding. Really, you can just forgive eachother for what has happened, which is my way of saying, just accept and appreciate the person you're with. Who care what guys she's been with? It just sounds so selfish to think about the negatives when it seems this was possibly the best thing that could have happened. It actually sounds a bit like you were here "nice guy" and now she finally understands... you're the one for her. The one that won't treat her badly, the one that can embrace her with open arms. But really, its now your time to show that. You two seem to have come a long way, its just up to you to overcome these cute insecurities that are popping up. Once you get past this and your predisposition, you'll be golden.
Alexz Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I don't want this to ruin my awesome relationship with her. I'll be honest, if you can't over come this, you don't deserve her. And she deserves someone stronger that can accept her past.
Author timmytucker Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks for the advice. That was very helpful. It's just difficult to overcome. Am I too immature and not ready for this? Part of me feels like that maybe I need to know what its like to have purely lustful relationships in order to fully appreciate how special it is being with someone you truly connect with. This is really the only sexual relationship I've ever had, despite some other limited experience. So its hard for me to understand how she could have engaged in sexual relationships with other people and not felt the same connection that we feel with each other while being intimate.
Alexz Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks for the advice. That was very helpful. It's just difficult to overcome. Am I too immature and not ready for this? Part of me feels like that maybe I need to know what its like to have purely lustful relationships in order to fully appreciate how special it is being with someone you truly connect with. This is really the only sexual relationship I've ever had, despite some other limited experience. So its hard for me to understand how she could have engaged in sexual relationships with other people and not felt the same connection that we feel with each other while being intimate. You know what I want you to do, Timmy? I want you to call your girl, and tell that to her. Just be open that you're a little insecure about this and that you don't want to hurt her or push her away. That you just want to be honest with her and tell her that you love her. To be quite honest, people change. You said she went through her whole phase of sleeping with others. And she seems to have changed, she's entirely committed to you, just accept that an appreciate her dedication to you. Just be open with her and say how much you care for her and want to overcome any small insecurity like the one you just expressed. Surely, she'll just love you more for that and help you.
Author timmytucker Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I've told her that. Still, the bad thoughts still plague my head. It's so damn frustrating because I see how much this hurts her and I look in the mirror and feel like such a terrible person. I just don't know what to do anymore to overcome this.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 It sounds completely silly what upsets some people in a relationship. Everyone has their thing that matters to them in a relationship. It sounds, timmy, that you want a girl who doesn't have a lot of sexual relationships in her past. This is important to you. So you are going to have to choose - independent of your feelings for your GF - what you want. Be available for the woman you want or choose the one you have.
Author timmytucker Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I guess that is something that's important to me. But I don't know why...
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