JaneyAmazed Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Lately, I've been reading about the triggers that can set us back - either those of us who were in affairs or betrayed by someone. Sometimes I think my triggers are so ridiculous. Sometimes I'm having the best day and something will remind me of xOM and I feel the pain again. Do these triggers ever disappear? One day if I think about these same things or see things that trigger, will it not affect me at all? Here are some of the silly ones (or at least I think they seem silly) ... like once we had takeout at a chinese restaurant and I don't like to go there, only once did we stay in a hotel and I can't drive by it or even look at it, he is in law enforcement so whenever I see a cop or someone getting a ticket it sets me back (I know...I'm pathetic), I remember certain TV shows we watched together and I can't watch them anymore, I've mentioned songs before too. That's just some of the main stuff I can think of. One thing that has helped me (someone else on LS suggested this) is facing the music. I slowly make myself watch the TV shows or listen to songs...things that I won't be able to avoid forever. Once I get over the initial pain, I do think it gets better. I just hate these triggers. I feel like it delays any progress I've been making in my marriage. Another thing I tell myself is if my H left me, after loving him and being with him for 12 years, THOSE triggers would be everywhere and much worse than with a man I only knew a few months. I try to focus on being thankful for what I have with my H and stop worrying about these triggers, but it's easier said than done at times.
anne1707 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 They do fade Janey, I promise you. Just honour your H and don't take him to places that had meaning for you and the ex-OM. Find your own special places
jj33 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I can second that. They do fade. We used to go to a particular restaurant a lot and I didnt go there for a long time. I can go back there now but I will always think of it as our place.
BB07 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 They fade. There are songs that I still won't listen to but other than that I'm doing well.
bentnotbroken Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 They do fade and when they show up, they don't hang around as long or are as intense as before.
Nissu Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 The triggers will definitely fade and your reactions will diminish over time. Have you tried visualization techniques? Picture/think about a specific trigger and concentrate hard imagining it dissolving and blowing away. It might take practice but it really does work.
Bittersweetie Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I will add my voice to the choir by saying they do fade...there was this song that my OM sent me and I used to listen to it a lot. After Dday I deleted it off my computer. About a month ago I was in a restaurant with my H and his family and the song came on in the background...and I actually couldn't even remember the name of it! I even sat there and tried for a minute and had no clue. In terms of going places...I wouldn't go to an exact restaurant I went to with OM, but My H and I have been back to the neighborhood. I felt this was good for me because I was kind of reclaiming the neighborhood with my husband. He knows I went there with OM but not which places...and now I've been to that neighborhood many more times with my H than I ever did with OM. So the memories aren't associated with OM anymore. They do fade Janey. At first I couldn't see how but over a year later I'm glad that they do.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Thank all of you soooo much. I've had a tough night. You have no idea how you've helped me. To make matters worse tonight, my h was watching Indecent Proposal on HBO tonight. I kept crying like an idiot. He kept hugging me. It's not a good movie to watch after an affair.
BB07 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Janey......it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hang in there!
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Janey......it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hang in there! Thanks BB07. I'm doing better now. I'm letting myself feel things when before I was blocking them out. That was a mistake. After reading what you all have said, I do feel better. I really love my husband. I'm so sure of that. It guess it just takes a while to stop thinking about xOM.
BB07 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks BB07. I'm doing better now. I'm letting myself feel things when before I was blocking them out. That was a mistake. After reading what you all have said, I do feel better. I really love my husband. I'm so sure of that. It guess it just takes a while to stop thinking about xOM. Maybe redirecting your thoughts is the way to go instead of blocking. I do that because if I don't then I'll go backward. In my case it's not because I miss him or want him back in my life, it's that I want to get to the point where I'm indifferent. I don't want to feel angry or hurt anymore.. It's less and less as time goes on, but sometimes I could wallow in it if I let myself and I have wallowed a few times but I don't have a marriage that I want to keep, you do. Hugs.........
East7 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks BB07. I'm doing better now. I'm letting myself feel things when before I was blocking them out. That was a mistake. After reading what you all have said, I do feel better. I really love my husband. I'm so sure of that. It guess it just takes a while to stop thinking about xOM. Hi Janey, what I can tell you is that it is a matter of time. It is still too early in your case to be totally indifferent to reminders...The time erases (almost) everything. Second, your attitude is very healthy, you have clearly decided to work on your M and focus on that (not like my MW..) Third, don't suppress what is left of your feelings for xOM, because the bounce back even stronger. Feelings are like keeping a ball under the water, if you try to keep it underneath, the very moment you release it will bounce to your face. If you let them come and go, they will not stop altogether but they will fade gradually, just let them be. If you miss xOM, it is fine, just keep it for yourself, don't be upset with it. Forth, try to build new memories with your H. Pick a song or two and decide that it will be "our song". Go in new places with H and decide they are "our places". IME new memories tempt to erase the old ones or made them insignificant.
Snowflower Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Thank all of you soooo much. I've had a tough night. You have no idea how you've helped me. To make matters worse tonight, my h was watching Indecent Proposal on HBO tonight. I kept crying like an idiot. He kept hugging me. It's not a good movie to watch after an affair. This seems to be an unusual choice of movie for a recently betrayed spouse. Have you asked your H why he chose to watch that movie? His answer might tell you where his head is at and how the healing process is going for him.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 This seems to be an unusual choice of movie for a recently betrayed spouse. Have you asked your H why he chose to watch that movie? His answer might tell you where his head is at and how the healing process is going for him. I've been out of town the last few days on a much needed family vacation. I thought I'd respond to this. I don't think he remembered exactly how that movie went and neither did I. It actually was painful to watch and made me so ashamed. We talked a long time after it was over. I told him what makes me feel so bad is the wife said she "did it" for her husband so they could have the money. I could never said what I did was for my husband at all. I just betrayed him and he had no choice. Really, I'm not sure how my husband handles things so much better than I do. I know he hurts a lot more than he lets on. I've been having a really hard time lately. The xOM memories are full force and I'm pressing on and trying to not to think about it so much. It's kind of put a dark cloud over my head that I'm trying to move out of the way. I feel like I've backtracked a lot (in emotion, not action - I am still NC). I look back on my older posts and see that clearly I felt better and more positive even a week ago. Now, I'm letting old ghosts in. Before I ramble on, I'll start a new thread. I came here tonight to start a new thread anyway to get some advice on my most current struggle.
neveragain1 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 do they fade? I guess that depends on who you are. speaking from this xBS perspective, as far as my triggers, I was fully aware that they would never go away completely, fade, maybe. but this is why I realized I had to divorce my wife. the only way to completely get rid of the triggers is to get rid of the source. now they are no longer triggers. sure I may think about what all transpired from time to time, few and far between. but they are no longer triggers because it doesn't hurt to think about what happened now. It would have had I stayed with her.
Star_Bright Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I've been out of town the last few days on a much needed family vacation. I thought I'd respond to this. I don't think he remembered exactly how that movie went and neither did I. It actually was painful to watch and made me so ashamed. We talked a long time after it was over. I told him what makes me feel so bad is the wife said she "did it" for her husband so they could have the money. I could never said what I did was for my husband at all. I just betrayed him and he had no choice. Really, I'm not sure how my husband handles things so much better than I do. I know he hurts a lot more than he lets on. I've been having a really hard time lately. The xOM memories are full force and I'm pressing on and trying to not to think about it so much. It's kind of put a dark cloud over my head that I'm trying to move out of the way. I feel like I've backtracked a lot (in emotion, not action - I am still NC). I look back on my older posts and see that clearly I felt better and more positive even a week ago. Now, I'm letting old ghosts in. Before I ramble on, I'll start a new thread. I came here tonight to start a new thread anyway to get some advice on my most current struggle. It almost sounds to me like he could be trying to "punish" you by having you watch Indecent Proposal, knowing it's making you cry and stuff. To me that seems very strange. It could also be that he's trying to "understand" affairs... why you had one, why people have one, etc. But still, as you pointed out, the sitch in Indecent Proposal was so much different than your own sitch, so, I don't know what it could help him understand. I do think it's good that you guys talked about it, but I feel like there had to have been a better way. I don't know why you would sit there crying through the movie, or he would let the movie keep playing while you were crying... that just baffles me. I would think that that kind of thing would make you more stuck in the affair than able to move on. Maybe I'm missing something though.
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