maddii Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Here is my back story.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261954/ Basically he decided it would be best for us not to see each other again after he'd led me and then decided he didn't actually like me, he just thought he did, he suggested just speaking online, as we always spoke online every day (just random conversations, lot's of in-jokes, nothing serious), but I said no, as I didn't see the point of that, as I needed to move on/get over him if we were 'never going to see each other again'.. So it's been NC now since Jan 10th, and yesterday he started speaking to me again, (no mention of the fact that we aren't friends now..) it started by him commenting on one of my photos (on a photography website, I'd deleted him from facebook etc), and we started talking then, and it was pretty much just like one of our random jokey conversations from before, and then he said 'Oh I've followed you on twitter again', so I did the same.. But I don't understand what he's doing? I mean, I haven't changed MY mind, I still don't want to be his 'online' friend, after being best friends for a year etc.. and I'm still not over him, it's only been a month, and I've made a lot of progress in that month and don't want to un-do that. So I'm not sure what to do, just to never actually start conversations with him on twitter and see if he does? And if he does, do I mention the fact that a month before he didn't want to see me again etc, so has he changed his mind or something? Bare in mind that the reason we aren't seeing each other and went NC in the first place was because he over-reacted to me asking him why he didn't want to tell his brother we were in a relationship, and wouldn't speak to me etc, he's very immature in that sense, and will not talk about anything serious.. so I wouldn't know how to approach it, or what to do..
thegreatmistake Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 He certainly sounds very immature if that one question lead to him breaking things off, however it wasn't just that one question- it never is. My advice with these kind of situations is usually to either place your trust in your heart or your head and follow what it tells you. Human intuition is a powerful thing. In your case it seems exceptionally easy, since your heart is telling you to stay away so you can move on and your head is telling you that he's immature and you shouldn't be friends with him. Go back to NC, and if he's changed his mind and you mean enough to him, he'll man up and tell you how he feels and that he made a mistake. If he isn't willing to do that, then he doesn't deserve to be with you.
Author maddii Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thank you, I agree completely. I feel like we're right for each other, but that it isn't the right time, and that he's clearly not ready, as he demonstrated. I'm guessing that he's realised he misses me, and that's why he's speaking to me, but then, I don't know if that means he realised he was wrong and does like me in a relationship way, or just misses me as a friend.. But I just don't know where that leaves me. I guess I should continue NC, I'll keep him on twitter, but I won't start any conversations, and if there is a real reason he's broken NC I guess he'll make it known? As much as I want him in my life, and he was my best friend and everything, I just don't feel like now is the right time, and unless he's suddenly matured, it wouldn't work anyway.. like you said, if all it took was the one question, y'know. Thank you again
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Fact is you shouldn't reply to any form of contact unless one of two things happens. Either you move on and you are ready to be his friend, this isn't true for you right now. Or two, he says he wants you back, which he clearly hasn't. Don't communicate with him, it will only set your healing back trust me I've seen it happen so many times. And it will hurt you and it will kill any chances of reconciliation if they are there. If the guy wants you back he will say it. Until then you cannot bite. No matter how many times he calls, no matter what he says, if it's not what you want to hear, DON'T ANSWER. Right now he just misses you as a friend and is trying to get you back on that level or at best as a safety net, don't let yourself be that. Say nothing, and go back to NC, he will goad you into responding. DON'T. -Gator
Author maddii Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I do feel as if I've gone back, I'd actually started feeling less anxious all of the time, and felt happier and more relaxed, and I can feel the anxiety coming back again, which is definately not what I want.. So I say nothing to him until he says he wants me back? Even if he does talk to me first? I just don't understand why he seems to think he can just talk to me as if we're friends as if nothing happened! He led me on and then cut me out of his life, and he knows he hurt me.. so I don't get why he's suddenly decided to speak to me again..
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I do feel as if I've gone back, I'd actually started feeling less anxious all of the time, and felt happier and more relaxed, and I can feel the anxiety coming back again, which is definately not what I want.. So I say nothing to him until he says he wants me back? Even if he does talk to me first? I just don't understand why he seems to think he can just talk to me as if we're friends as if nothing happened! He led me on and then cut me out of his life, and he knows he hurt me.. so I don't get why he's suddenly decided to speak to me again.. I knwo what you're going through but I've been there. You have to trust me and pretty much everyone else on this site, we speak from experience. To answer, he wants to talk to you for one of two reasons. Reason one, he's feeling guilty so he tries talking to you to make sure you're not unhappy thereby getting rid of his guilt. Two he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. He wants to be able to date others, but still have you there as a "friend", he gets the best of both worlds that way lol, knowing that you are there waiting as a safety net. The fact is you shouldn't respond to anything he sends you, it is a crumb it includes anything from: I miss you?Hey, how are you?Why are you ignoring me?A phone call, then another one, then a voicemail but no mention of wanting you back.Fine be immature.Lol the point is all of those things will give you hope and even trick you into responding. When you respond he will know you are still hanging on his every word and then you will be eagerly waiting for another text which wont come for another week or two. Or maybe he'll text you for a day or two and then stop out of nowhere. Unless you are either moved on, or he tells you he wants you back you shouldn't talk to him. It will set you back. How can he even miss you if he knows you will always be there waiting for him, or worse if you are on a "friends" level with him? Not talking to him makes you that much more attractive to him, you are happy and independent without him in his head. His ego will have the biggest bruise in the world from this, and trust me my ex did this. They will use every trick in the book to get you to respond, but you cant. They may even cry, nothing until they say they want you back. And when/if they do, wait a day or two. Let them know that it is going to be on your terms and that you haven't been waiting for it this whole time. What to do until this happens? Work on yourself, have fun go out with friends. Try and fix things you know you did wrong in the relationship, just live life. You're a wonderful girl whether or not you feel that way right now, you've got a lot to offer somebody. And trust me, ignoring him will not stop him from coming back if he really wants you back. And if he doesn,t NC is the fastest way to heal. This is why I advocate it, lol it's perfect, no better way to both move on and get an ex back. -Gator
Author maddii Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I know, everybody says NC, and it was working for me, I could feel the difference after a month of it, it was hard at first, but it had gotten now to where I didn't expect to speak to him or anything, and it didn't rule my day, I still think of him, a lot, and I know I still have feelings, but going NC was definately the right choice... I think the thing is, he knows what a good friendship we had, and we did a lot of photography/videos together as well, and literally a week after he broke up with me I went to Venice with another guy friend, and we made a video which got thousands of hits and everything, which I know he would have seen, so he's obviously seen that I'm doing fine, and am successful without him, and he's clearly not happy, even though he's pretending to be, because he's hanging around with people I know he doesn't really like.. Thing is he doesn't really say anything like that, I know what you mean about crumbs, but we never really said 'Hey how're you', stupid as that sounds, we had a 'ridiculously stupid jokey conversation' kind of relationship, so the conversation we ended up having yesterday confused me, it is crumbs, I know you're right, and I kind of want to see where he goes with it, so I don't regret having the conversation yesterday, but I won't be doing it again.. I can't go back to waiting for him to reply all of the time, because he did this when we were friends, he pushed me away whilst leading me on, a lot of mixed signals, so unless he straight up tells me what it is that he wants etc I do need to continue NC.. Thank you again, your advice is definately right
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