jane100 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Agree to date. Then he added about going dutch. Edited February 15, 2011 by jane100
fishtaco Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Well, from reading LS, seems like "the man pays all" is a U.S. phenomenon... well, and Mexico, but that's a different story. Supposedly in Europe, going dutch is the norm. So stripped down to the basics, who pays doesn't make any difference, proven by the fact that Europeans can make relationships work as much as Americans. But the reality is we are all affected by the dating culture of the area we're in. Hence I always say when in Rome... but that's going off topic. I remember one of my friends told me. When she goes on a date, she will offer to go dutch. If the man agrees, then she will never call him back again. I'd say go on the date. You've already made the promise. If you can't enjoy the night unless the man is paying for it, then yeah, dump him, it's obviously a deal breaker for you. And all it would have cost you was having to pay for yourself one night. Not too bad I'd say.
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 If you cannot otherwise reasonably afford the date, or would not choose such a venue yourself, politely decline the invitation and tell him directly why. 'I appreciate the suggestion, but this venue is too expensive for my budget' 'It sounds interesting but I don't know that I want to commit that kind of expenditure to xxxx right now. Do you have another suggestion? (Or, suggest an alternative yourself). Has he been doing all the date suggesting? If so, you can break the cycle by suggesting something inexpensive and paying for him or, of course, going dutch. If the reality of going dutch is a turn-off for you, it is. Accept it. Don't fight it. It's an elemental part of your personality. You may 'expect' certain actions by men for them to be attractive to you. That's valid. Own it. Good luck
Feelin Frisky Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Sorry but I don't find your message exactly clear. I'll assume you are irked by having this guy ask you out and then sticking you with half the bill. I think that's rather crass of him and I wouldn't do that myself. You have only seen him for "drinks" twice so there's no big investment yet in him. But even at the "drinks" phase he required you to pay for yours. This isn't customary in the United States. Some Euros might think it nothing but the US is older fashion in that men signal interest by paying--at least early on in a relationship. Since there isn't so much invested yet, you'll have to just judge if he seems like he's worth looking into all that much further. I don't know if he's running a testing game on you so I don't know what to say about that. But I empathize with getting this weirdish message as to whether he's interested in you as a relation or as a friend zone thing.
Author jane100 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Hi Guys! yes, I am finding this weird. I know in the States, men tend to pay more, pick up their dates in their cars, and so forth. It definitely seems different in the UK and I have generally been happy to go dutch. But something sticks in the claw on this one. But I agree. I have said yes. I can go and stick it out and if necessary sulk or wonder off and do my own thing like the very mature and grown up lady I am .
Nexus One Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree with carhill. Let him know that that date is outside of your budget range and propose an alternative you can afford. I've always found the 50%-50% approach to be fair and should be applied to pretty much everything by couples, with one exception. If one of the partners is financially on a higher scale, then that partner cannot ask in good conscience to go dutch on matters that are out of the budget range of the other. May I be so brassy to ask what you're expected to pay for that date?
Author jane100 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Hi Nexus One, as with everything, there is more to it than meets the eye. Which is why I edited my OP, as it was too long. But basically, we went dutch on first two dates (just drinks) but he was even a bit funny about that, though i didn't mind either way. He made a point about being well-off when we first met, which I just put down to male bravado (though lots of men don't do this). But that is perhaps what sticks in the claw. I am in a lot more financially disadvantaged position, without going into details. Whats the date gonna cost in sterling? He said entrance fee, then added meal after. I reckon probably £60 each, whatever that is in dollars. I do feel sort of stuck with my decision to go. I can afford it if push comes to shove but I think he is being a cheapskate, maybe testing me like Frisky says. But I also feel a bit stuck with my resentment .
Author jane100 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 I think that's rather crass of him and I wouldn't do that myself. Hi Frisky, if only I lived on the West Coast, you could buy me a drink for sure . Wandering eye already .....
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 That's a little pricey for a third date, IMO. Even in big cities like NYC and London, for example, it's easy to do an upscale date on a budget. For example, I've hit the TKTS booth for cheap Broadway theater tickets and then had grub at a local diner; very affordable. Anyway, hope you have fun
Author jane100 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks Carhill, I probably will! I have nothing to lose! And, tbh, because I am so new at this lark after a long gap, its all grist to the mill (if you have ever heard that expression), or as they say now, a steep learning curve .....
Feelin Frisky Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Hi Frisky, if only I lived on the West Coast, you could buy me a drink for sure . Wandering eye already ..... I'm on the East Coast, janie. Is there hope?
Author jane100 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Whatever. Can you make it to JFK? Will you pay my way?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Never really had a guy tell me to pay my half of the share, especially on a date, I usually offer to pay my half if I'm not interested. One thing I never- date a cheapskate.
Knittress Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I was once one of those raging feminazis who would have been insulted at the idea of doing anything but dutch. But then I actually dated a man that loved me. He showed his nuturing side by paying for things, and taking care of me was something he took great pride in - even if it was just an 89 cent burrito. It felt wonderful to be so completely cherished. Now I realize that going dutch is just indicative of emotional ambivalence. You be gallant by buying me a drink and I'll bat my eyes and tell you you're the most impressively generous manly man ever. We both feel good. That's how it works.
milkmaterial Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 **** if HE invited u or asked you out , he should pay. if i invited a guy, i will pay. simple.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Whatever. Can you make it to JFK? Will you pay my way? We'll have to go Dutch on the air fare (but I'll pick up the hotel bill and the Champagne).
Gypsy_Soul Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Want to find out if a man is really interested in you? He will invest in you, that's how. Men are pleasers by nature. If he has trust issues and you're willing to work through that then you have many ways of encouraging and telling him how to please you. As for myself I don't have time for a guy with issues. He should be ready, willing and able to please me. Like Ms. Mae West always said, "I have 'yes' men around me, who needs 'no' men?" Good luck!
SteveC80 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I was once one of those raging feminazis who would have been insulted at the idea of doing anything but dutch. But then I actually dated a man that loved me. He showed his nuturing side by paying for things, and taking care of me was something he took great pride in - even if it was just an 89 cent burrito. It felt wonderful to be so completely cherished. Now I realize that going dutch is just indicative of emotional ambivalence. You be gallant by buying me a drink and I'll bat my eyes and tell you you're the most impressively generous manly man ever. We both feel good. That's how it works. So we give and women receive sounds fair to me:rolleyes: weve realy raised entitled princesses
SteveC80 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Want to find out if a man is really interested in you? He will invest in you, that's how. Men are pleasers by nature. If he has trust issues and you're willing to work through that then you have many ways of encouraging and telling him how to please you. As for myself I don't have time for a guy with issues. He should be ready, willing and able to please me. Like Ms. Mae West always said, "I have 'yes' men around me, who needs 'no' men?" Good luck! me me me me,what do u give aside from breast and vagina?
Gypsy_Soul Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Men who give to please his woman deserve to be loved, cherished, adored, given affection and attention. It goes both ways, it's not one-sided....STEVE;) Women need to learn how to treat men as well. That's why everyone is all screwed up.
daphne Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Want to find out if a man is really interested in you? He will invest in you, that's how. Men are pleasers by nature. If he has trust issues and you're willing to work through that then you have many ways of encouraging and telling him how to please you. As for myself I don't have time for a guy with issues. He should be ready, willing and able to please me. Like Ms. Mae West always said, "I have 'yes' men around me, who needs 'no' men?" Good luck! Count me in as a spoiled princess. I like a guy who wants to make me happy. Cos I'm a pretty giving person and I hate the thought of throwing that away on a guy who's selfish and undeserving.
musemaj11 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Women are capitalist in the workplace. They want fair opportunities and pay. But outside the workplace they are socialist. They want redistribution of wealth from men. Very funny. Anyway, american women are cheapskates. They r the richest women in the world but also the stingiest. Most of them are like children who think that they are entitled to get everything in the store from their parents. Men who give to please his woman deserve to be loved, cherished, adored, given affection and attention. It goes both ways, it's not one-sided....STEVE So a man doesnt need to love, cherish, adore, and give you affection and attention as long as he pays, right? Or you want all those, too plus the money? Women need to learn how to treat men as well. That's why everyone is all screwed up. And thats where splitting the bill on dates comes in. The cost of the fun is shared and not only put on one person. DUH! Nevertheless, I do think the one with more money should out of consideration contribute more. Edited February 16, 2011 by musemaj11
Gypsy_Soul Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 OP, most of the guys on here are bitter and sad. I still stand on what I say.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 All the women in this thread are a massive disappointment. What does it say if a guy has to buy you?
musemaj11 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 OP, most of the guys on here are bitter and sad. I still stand on what I say. Good luck finding your doormat.
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