ctx2 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I just don't understand why? I mean, I have been trying to have the NC thing with my new ex (split up just 2 weeks ago) and he just won't stop with the text messages. The split was over a stupid miscommunication that I felt he took as a chance to bolt because he is truly a commitment phobic person. However, he wanted to stay friends and remain close which I considered, but truthfully, why would I put myself through that. I basically had begged him to not push me away and work through that miscommunication, but he refused by saying that he can't lose me and we have to step back into being friends. Why would I do that knowing that I still wanted more from him and he would be moving on while I just hoped that he would see the light and work through things with me? He's done this before with other girls and I have a feeling that they stayed his friends in hopes that he would see the light, but he never did and I refuse to put myself through that kind of torture, but he's making it so hard. I hadn't texted or anything after last Sunday, but 2 days later (on Tuesday) he text me and said that he didn't know if I didn't want him to do this or not, but he was hoping I was having a good day! I told him that I thought I made myself clear that i'm not doing things his way so i'm taking the highway and he said he was clear now. Then by Thursday, he text me that he missed me and he understood I was trying to protect my heart. I was stupid and responded that i'm protecting my heart for a different reason and to stop, again. Then Saturday, he texts me these lyrics from Jeff Buckley and told me how he had cried listening to that song over and over. I told him it didn't have to be this way and he said yes it does, cuz i'm better off. I told him to stop and leave me alone if that's what he really thinks. He then found another excuse to text me on Sunday about his sister (who is a new mom at 16) and I went to visit her (without him). Yesterday, he text me that he's been thinking about it all day and he wants to respect my wishes, but he'd rather say that he was thinking about and cared for me and maybe it was wrong, and he will try to adhere to my NC wishes, but Happy Valentines. I didn't respond this time. I did today though and I said the following. I asked him to stop cuz he was making this hard and that it killed me that he's just gonna do what he has always done but I can't stay and watch him continue with his ways while hoping that he will change into the person I know he is. I asked him to stop again and said i'll miss him but I can't do things his way. I know I should've just ignored him but I feel like its so cruel. Is there any advice? Should I be doing something different? This is hurting sooooo bad. I wish he would've worked through his issues and we could be together, but after all this , I doubt I would ever feel like I could trust him ADVICE PLEASE!
JasonRules Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I hate to say this to you, but typically this kind of behavior occurs in both men and women when they have found someone else and get hit by "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. So instead of breaking it off completely with you, he's keeping you at arms length as a spare tire in case things don't work out with his new pursuit. If you want to be no. 2 and keep contact with him, no problem. Personally, if it were me I would text him the following: "In case you forgot, you broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I appreciate your efforts to be friends, but I already have enough friends. There is no need for us to communicate anymore. I'm going to move on. It was nice knowing you. Good luck" Then maintain strict no contact. He'll be crying at your door, begging you to take him back in 30 days.
Author ctx2 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 I shoulda listened to Jason, but I still have so many feelings in this and just didn't understand, despite really understand and needing validation. So after the whole text thang on Valentines, I didn't text....until Tuesday night and we ended up talking for hours. I was weak, mostly cuz I was sick with an upper respritory infection, and wanted him to take care of me, so he came over at an ungodly hour and took the next day off to "take care of me". Well you can figure what happened (sex X2). Before the first escapade he was just holding me and I mentioned that he knew this was going to confuse things to which he responded, lets just enjoy right now. Then in the morning we showered togehter and afterwards I passed out. He brought lunch and took care of me and when we finally talked he just said we couldn't go back...that right now felt so right but his heart wasn't in it and he had doubts a few weeks back. I freaked out (of course) and finally, he admitted that his doubts mean he just didn't feel I was the one he could take that next step with....FINALLY. I knew it in my heart, but I needed him to say it. I told him to leave and he was acting crushed because he didn't want to lose me and he was going to anyways. Then, I started to put the timeline of events together. And all this crap coincides with a conference he attended in which he got to know a colleague a little better and they're are in classes together, work on projects, and such. So you see, the grass is greener syndrome makes perfect sense. So, I freaked out, again, and really pissed him off. I know it was wrong of me, but I can't help but feel that if he is this mad at me, he will leave me alone and I can move. You would think, but he text last night and said he didn't want to lose what was left of our friendship. I shoulda left it alone, but I replied there's nothing left and I need space. He then said please don't make this like last time (we didn't talk for almost a year after our first break up) and I finally didn't respond. So, twice dumped to pursue other possibilities and i'm still sitting here feeling like a failure. I'm doing more things like attending local events and keeping myself busy, but I just can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm attractive (this is constantly said to me), successful, I have a great group of friends, but somehow, I always left. Even my ex husband left me as did my father! So, I totally have abandonment issues, but when I seek help about this, I get the same answer. Nothing is wrong, your fun, independent, likeable, perfect, blah, blah, blah, but maybe your just not meant to be with someone...which sucks, because I would like to remarry, and I would like to have another child, and i'm just starting to give up on that idea. So, how pathetic am I and does anyone have some advice to offer? I know, it's a poor me thread, but really, I see a pattern and I don't know why.
chryssy83 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I got my ex back over and over and over. Let him experience what it is like to really be without you....let him realize you are moving on. He will come back in around a month, like the earlier post says. BUT--you don't really want him back. He's not a commitment-phobe...he doesn't want to commit to you. And he's probably a dumbass for it because he probably will never manage to do better. My ex, the one who was 99 percent sure we would get married but just couldn't take the leap, is married now. To someone he has known for a fraction of the time he and I were together. But I'm better off. This guy knows he is causing you to suffer, but he doesn't care. He knew that the sex would confuse things, he is about instant gratification. And that's why he will always be the one to have grass-is-greener issues. Because he doesn't want to commit and work on a relationship for the long haul, he's interested in what is fun for him RIGHT NOW. You deserve better than that. You will find better. Just go through the stages of grieving, avoid contact with him, and you will eventually be able to move forward with your life instead of going back to the same bad place over and over. It happened to me, it'll happen with you when you are ready. Best, Chrys
Author ctx2 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks, Chrys. I know what you say is true, but I can't help but feel that I'm leavable. I mean, I see commitment to others and I long for it, but it seems i'm usually left and then they find their match. And you're right, I shouldn't have given this person a second chance because he did to me now, what he did in the past. I can't imagine being his friend cuz I happen to love and trust my firends and while I love him in that sense, I don't trust him. Ugg, I'm going to stick to NC no matter what. In fact, I think i'm going to incorporate into my religion and make it a commitment for Lent which is coming up soon. That way, i'm making this promise to myself in recognition of what God gave up for me. It may sound corny and i'm not terribly religious, but it's a good practice...40 days and 40 nights. Thanks again.
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