BrokenUp Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) History: 8mts ago wife abandoned me and moved into new place, over the first 4 months we went out for diner with our kids and tried to fix the relationship on her terms, I told her this wasn't helping us and she agreed. With that we were going to try to do things just us together. Every time she invited me out she canceled, every time I asked her out she said no. From months 4-6 things were complicated for the holidays and we didn't have time to see each other but we talked and it was up and down. After the New Year, 2mts ago. I asked her if she wanted to try to fix our marriage and she said no. I told her if that’s the case then file for the divorce. She then countered that she still wants to find her self and it’s not fair to me that I have to wait for her but down the road she would be open to trying again. Again I told her to file for the divorce that’s not what I want. Since this happened we no longer really see each other but she still texts me to tell me how kids do in school when she has them on her days. She'll also send me texts about what their doing together for activates. Every so often she starts talking about what she's doing or will start asking what I've been doing and occasionally she'll talk about various other things that we use to do together as a family. I guess what I'm looking to find out is why does she keep doing this? I told if it’s over then let’s end it, no friendship because of her abandoning me. Is she just doing this because she wants my friendship for our kids? I don't get this, she wants this to end but won't end herself is she afraid of being cut off from me? I told her I'll always be there for our kids just not for her. Edited February 15, 2011 by BrokenUp
lee777 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 OK ... I read your short story. I wanna say a few things. First, Something happened in your marriage for her to leave you. A wife with children doesn't leave her husband for no reason. What caused this separation? If you did something wrong, ADMIT IT. Second, JMHO, when your wife lingers in the phone with you discussing the days events (including text), and/or, inquires about your day, she does not want a divorce. She very likely wants to see a change in your behavior. Third, do not mention the word divorce to her again. Forth, work on yourself. Try to reconnect with old friends, and meet new ones. Get serious about your health, if you haven't already ... lose weight & firm up. Fifth, shut off all contact with her outside of the kids. Keep your conversations to a minimum, with no emotional topics. Do not discuss your life, outside of activities involving your children. At this point, it's none of her business what you're doing with your life. Period! However, do not be rude to her. Sixth, you want to create the appearance that your life is just fine without her, however, you don't want to say this to her. You want her to think (without saying), that your very content with this separation, and you're on the verge of moving on, and possibly finding a new women in the near future. In other words, you want her to wonder what is going on in your personal life. Crying, begging, or using guilt does not generally persuade a spouse to come back, and if they do come back under these circumstances, it generally doesn't work long before the issues re-manifest that caused the break up in the first place. Reconcilation is almost impossible without real change ... real change is impossible without ownership. Ownership starts at the top of this posting. Good luck!
Author BrokenUp Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 We both stopped doing things together we liked and neglected each other. She claimed i was short with kids, didn't understand her life/job, and didn't do things romantic like i use to. I counted her with you didn't care when i got my new job for the family, didn't want any romance when i tried to plan things for us, and she didn't help at home, kid/cleaning, and always feel insecure with her looks. I stopped the contact as much as I can with her. When I asked about my kids she wants to know why I want to know these questions. The other thing I don't really care for is that she has surrounded herself with a good amount of male friends. I still talk with her parents and we both feel that she needs this to feel attractive and desired and that why she hid it from me and didn't tell me about her guy friends. I don't know what I'd be going back to if we tried again. She's made lots of new friends and is always out and doing new things when she by herself. When she has our kids she lonely according to her parents. Whats it going to be like if we get back together again?
martyjones47 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) What's the story as far as an OM goes? It's possible she is looking into another relationship or already having one but keeping you in the picture in case things don't work out. Doing the whole cake eating thing- keeping you around ( in this case by not pursuing the divorce and severing those ties) in case she needs something from you but also pursuing whatever she wants. Not saying this is case for sure, but seen it a lot ( and experienced it). Male friends probably serve the role of potential dates. Edited February 16, 2011 by martyjones47
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