rbitrage Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 When a girl breaks up with a guy because she doesn't want him to wait around for her as she struggles with a decision, how does NC help get her back? i think if anything even if she really wants to contact me she won't because she'll think she's gonna mess me up by doing so. I just don't know how much of our breakup was because she worried about not being able to give me a final answer. I know everyone is gonna say that's not fair to me, but I don't care about that. I was not fair to her in the bulk of our relationship in terms of my fear of love/commitment and so i can understand her uncertainty now. Also how do i really show change. This NC process seems quite scary to me to be honest. I want to marry this girl, but I am trying to hold off on things because everyone advised me to give her some time to sort things out. NC might involve two people who love eachohter so much that they fear re-approaching to not make the other person's life difficult. In NC you have no clue how or what the other person is thinking or feeling. you only expect absence will make the heart grow fonder. I really think all these processes are horrible. If NC is done to not be disruptive to someone else's life, then i agree with it. NC to help me heal is not fine because I know how much she means to me. She told me she loves me two weeks before she broke up with me. it is not a game for her or me. she just wants to see i am truly the person she fell in love with and i can be her partner in life, and by being in NC, i can't show anything. Plus, I havent eaten one full mean in 8 days. I am over 6 feet tall and have gone from 2500 calories a day to 300 calories a day. Yes i know it's wrong, but I don't care. Life is not about just being alive and protecting yourself. It's about truly diving into life, and experiencing the anguish, pain, joy, love in complete ways. Yes i know this won't make me attractive to anyone that I am so affected by this loss, but what love would there be if i was any less affected by it. If this process destroys me then so be it. We don't become stronger from this process of seperation from true loved ones. We become numb to it. how is that strength. We then take a gamemanship attitude forward to the next person. True love, even if delusional, is an experience that one must surrender to completely, and i was so scared to do so. I now feel ready to do it and if it's too late, and I can't get back my love, then let life hand me whatever painful experience it needs to. I will have that love with me as i go through hell. She can go away or she can come back, but her love will stay with me.
thegreatmistake Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Rage- I know that makes sense to you right now, but only because you want it to. I've been there, and I'd say that many of us here have probably been there if we're on this site. But that's not the proper way to look at things. NC sucks. I hate it, and i break it, and i hate that i break it, but it works. You need time to sort out your life before you worry about her. You want proof? you're not eating, you're not taking care of yourself... you're a mess right now. And when you lose someone you love, whatever the reason, you feel that way. But only you choose whether you act that way. And if you're not taking care of yourself and being the best you can be, then why should she be with you? If she's as good as you make her out to be and worth spending your life with, she deserves the best, and until you realize that and can grow into that role, there is nothing to be gained from communication with her except confusion and pain. Right now you are thinking that she's all that matters to you, she's the most important part of your life, and you'd do anything to get her back, right? So man up already and do it. Go work out, talk to someone, keep a journal, whatever you have to do to get rid of the stress and sort your head out you go and do that, but remember- if she deserves the best and you want to be with her, you need to man up and be the best, even if that means doing things that absolutely suck like NC in order to have a chance at making things work in the long run. People say NC for 1-2 months minimum. I say take 10 days and if you don't feel better about yourself and your chances of fixing things than you need to stop worrying about her at all and focus on what's going on in your head and the rest of your life. If you want the girl that's amazing enough to capture your heart, you gotta be amazing enough to capture their's. Good luck Rage, and consider that maybe she needs some time to sort things out without your influence too.
ladii Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 You need this NC...for yourself...you need time away to heal...to get your true self back...you won't be any good if you are emotionally weak to her... She wants to see how you have changed ? she just wants to see i am truly the person she fell in love with and i can be her partner in life, and by being in NC, i can't show anything. NC shows her what she is MISSING...she won't know if you are always around always there... I was the same...hardly eating only drinking milk drinks because I couldn't eat...I lost weight..but then I decided this is only hurting ME...I need to get a *grip* and get ME back...not eating is not doing you any good and certainly not helping her either... You want her to see what she fell in love with ??? be the person you were when she first met you !!! Strong confident HEALTHY !!! NC shows her what she is missing...shows respect that you are strong and can live life as before her...
Author rbitrage Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 i agree with what you both are saying, but i am really worried where it will go. she is going through a process to completely change her perception of the love she had for me. or at least that's what i think. i know it's harder to man up than curl up and give up. i just wish i could believe that it will lead to a happy ending. we go through a process on faith of results but the uncertainty is the killer. All i know is for now i have nothing but myself and anything i do will be on faith. Again i know you have to do things for yourself, and honestly i am pretty much well-adjusted in normal situations. i am fit, healthy etc but this breakup is really destroying me because i know what she believed in and i didn't at the time, and now i see it. It's like a drug addict that experiences a moment when all the pain he/she is causing other people finally kicks in and they go into rehab. I don't do drugs or alcohol but i just see our love now completely. I feel like my recognition has been flooding in last two-three months, and what she wanted, and what her parents wanted, is what i want now. But now she's not there anymore. I know **** happens, and i appreciate the feedback you guys are giving me, but i just feel like i've lost my heart just as I fully saw it open. i just wish i could believe that by sorting myself out things will be back and better than ever. i don't want anyone else, and i believe she doesnt' want anyone else. she doesn't want the me who was afraid of loving her (won't go into it here but my fear of love stems from a lifetime of losing pretty much my whole family to death and moving away etc). I just wish she could believe that the person she always believed me to be is now here and he is dying without her. I love her so much.... sucks
thegreatmistake Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I'm right there with you Rage- I made a lot of mistakes, took some things for granted, and realized all of my mistakes too late. In the last three weeks since my breakup I've made a lot more. But the past is the past. It is set in stone. All we can do with it is learn from it and use what we learn to impact the future. I made all the classic mistakes, I curled up and wanted to give up on everything, but eventually I realized that she deserves better, and on the other side of this, whether she realizes that I've grown and changed or she moves on and doesn't look at me the same ever again, I'm going to be able to look back and know that I did everything I could to be the man she deserves. Take it from one who's been there recently, no contact is necessary. I kept thinking i was different and didn't need it. And I kept making mistakes. If you're half as hurt inside right now as I am, you're too emotional to do any good. If your girl comes back out of pity, it's just delaying things, and when issues come up a second time, it's much less likely that there'll be a third chance. Hold you head high, take the time you both need, and at the end of the road, take things slow and spend time getting to catch up and know each other again with as little talk of your past relationship/breakup as possible. Remind her why she chose you over everyone else and how much she enjoys your company. After that, all you can do is hope, or if you believe in a higher power, pray. Most of us on here don't get the second chance that we want. You need to fully accept that if you want any chance at yours, because expectations always impact our actions and reactions. Good luck
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Okay I'm gonna be harsh but sometimes people need this. NC prevents you from smothering her which is what she needs right now. Space. You need to really think and really change before a second chance is even possible, and if you don't get your head off of your ex and stop being so damn depressed nothing will be fixed. Women don't want a man who is depressed and she will see it the instant she tries to get you back. Fact: NC is for both people to better themselves and take an EMOTIONLESS step back from the relationship, look at it objectively and decide if it was really good. Then it is about changing behaviors that caused disruption in the relationship. And last, it causes them to miss you if they really loved you. You can doubt that last one all you want, argue against it all you want. The fact is, if they never come back it is because the love wasn't true. True love doesn't stop for anything, if they want you back NC isn't going to intimidate them. I mean heck my ex called me 3 times in one day after I ignored her texts for a week. And then she messages me on Valentines day out of the blue. Fact is , NC does work, it is not a game in any way. It is to heal, to move on, and if the relationship is meant to be, it allows for a Healthy second chance. You want her back right now, but I gurantee if you were to get back together right now, it wouldn't last more than 4 months. Nothing has changed yet, your mindset still has not changed, you cannot expect the relationship to be different if you are not different. You've got a lot of work to do, the most obvious one right now is to get out of this unhealthy diet. Live life, grow, do it for you, and do it for her. Moping around isn't solving a damn thing, and if she comes back to you right now your second chance isn't going to work. Stay strong man -Gator
Author rbitrage Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Wow. Great posts from both of you guys. Thanks a lot I hear what you are saying. Esp about the point that real love doesn't go away with some time apart. I guess I just experienced life in such a way that fairy tale endings don't seem to happen to me. I sat in a hospital intensive care unit praying for a family member to survive and she didn't. I realise life presents its peaks and valleys. I guess I just don't really understand why this story unfolded as it did. I have been in relationships before but why I was struggling to fully be in it emotionally when she was there, and now i am totally there and she's gone. None of this makes sense to me. She wasn't sure if i was the marrying sort and now I dream of a family and kids etc. It is just so strange. Like two strangers that just missed eachother on a bus stop. if they had both been there at the right time, they could be heading into a great life journey (sorry i like using random metaphors). I guess I really have to focus on what Gator said about healing and believing that real love will endure. Part of my panic is letting too much time pass, but the more urgent I am to take steps the more likely they are to backfire. Luckily I have been holding to the NC, including through valentines etc. Thanks a bunch for giving me some perspective because I am really trying to make sense of this whole thing.
Whatshername Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Ok, well, my ex and I have broken up 4 times in 4.5 years. The first time, bc he was afraid to tell me he loved me. After that, basically commitment issues. He'd always cling to something..........we are too dif, I am not a good listener, connection, yadayada. BUT, we were amazingly close and after being married 24 years previously, we HAVE what it takes, trust me. We have taken long family vacations together, and well, experienced a closeness I miss terribly. He is just afraid and well, he did dangle the carrot. First we had 3 years til we could finally be together(LD..85 miles), then 2, then after the 2 years finally came, we had job snags, a few breakups along the way. We always took walks, discussed houses, where we wanted to live, he even said the best thing I ever said to him, was that I'd move away with him, if he found a job elsewhere. We would frequent Home Depot and Lowes and check out appliances, bathroom fixtures, etc. We were going to build a new home together. YET, when it got down to it, he NEVER voiced the actual.....I want to grow old with you..or spend the rest of my life with you, or anything so tangible that he could be held to it. He LIKED me being all in, and yet I still felt like an "option" bc I did not have verbal assurance of anything. Yes he was WITH me, but I was patient as any woman could be. I hadn't been, early on. I had to give him space lots of times, bc he felt pressured, etc, even though I KNOW I was not unrealistic, given our circumstances. Last year we were apart 5 months, the longest break ever. The love never dissipated or lessened and year, when he faced job issues, etc, he turned to an old flame to "talk" and she lured him sexually and I found out and well......here we are. I really think if I hadn't intercepted a text, he would have gone on as if nothing happened and we'd be together. We were supposed to move in together this year. I caved and said I would do it, instead of get married, which he knew I really wanted. But, I felt we needed to be engaged, bc if we were never going to marry, I didn't see the point. Well, he started to separate himself from me, ealy last Dec. didn't tell me important things, about his new job, or vacation days, dr visits, but instead confided in her and then the 2 dates/kisses and some sexting, and well, we are now apart, bc he won't apologize and give me assurance that he is all in. It sucks, because silence is his thing and I would normally stay away until I could not take it, I'd drive my butt over there, one look and we would be peas and carrots and all would be well instantly. This time, it's not that way. At 85 miles, with no apology or remorse, or telling me I am all he needs and his contact with that ex is over......well, I am not in a good place bc I can't run back again. So, this NC is probably forever, as I just can't see him humbling himself, and laying down his pride..bc then he'd have to admit his guilt. Edited February 16, 2011 by Whatshername
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