Tofu Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Im on my 6th day of NC now and me and my ex decided to give our relationship a break last wednesday which neither of us wanted but we both thought was the best solution. She cried alot and i could tell she still loved me when she said 'i love you' and the passionate kiss we had on wednesday before i left but the 1hr LDR was just too much for her and she felt she could no longer go on. With the advice of the wonderful people here at LS I have kept a strict NC with her for 6days straight now and this is honestly the longest me and my ex have ever gotten to not talking to each other which im sure is both uncomfortable for her and admittedly for me as well but for the sake of getting her back i need her to start missing me. Today is the first day she has shown signs she is starting to show concern on me, she has sent me the following texts today: Heys, you alright? (3:54pm)Not talking to me now? (8:11pm) I am certain it is a sign she is worried about me and im assuming she must think im angry with her from the 2nd text she sent me. We never agreed on NC, i did this without her knowing from the advice given here at LS and on wednesday when we saw each other i did agree to be friends with her (mistake i know) which she mustve assumed till today when she now realizes i no longer reply to her. We've always been close and always been there for each other when one of us starts acting a little odd or down which is why i know shes worried bout me, but for the sake of NC i shouldnt reply to it right? Shes only 17 and these past few days ive grown to accept she does not have enough experience to handle relationships fully yet, which is why i question if doing this NC to her will be any different to say a young adult in her 20's. Ignoring my ex is against my instincts cos ive always been there for her but maybe its best i keep to the NC... what do you think?
JasonRules Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 If you both didn't want to do it, then why are you doing it? This doesn't make any sense to me. Seperating when neither of you want it. And what exactly are you going to accomplish with this? Let me ask you a hypothetical question. Some years from now, you'll probably be married and have kids. What's going to happen if you and the wife have problems? Are you going to say "Well...I'm out of here. We're going to separate and go live in a hotel for the next x weeks. By the way, I'm going to be maintaining a strict NC policy"? Two people who care for each other don't run away. They confront the problem head and and find solutions. Stop playing games and call her. Ask her to meet in person at a cafe to talk. Tell her what you feel and what you want. Then listen to her side. Agree on what to do next and move on.
Author Tofu Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 If you both didn't want to do it, then why are you doing it? This doesn't make any sense to me. Seperating when neither of you want it. And what exactly are you going to accomplish with this? Let me ask you a hypothetical question. Some years from now, you'll probably be married and have kids. What's going to happen if you and the wife have problems? Are you going to say "Well...I'm out of here. We're going to separate and go live in a hotel for the next x weeks. By the way, I'm going to be maintaining a strict NC policy"? Two people who care for each other don't run away. They confront the problem head and and find solutions. Stop playing games and call her. Ask her to meet in person at a cafe to talk. Tell her what you feel and what you want. Then listen to her side. Agree on what to do next and move on. Its a long story, this is only the short version. Like i said we talked it over on wednesday and she felt she could no longer handle this relationship, with every logical reason i used she just felt she couldnt do it. Shes not a high in confidence girl i will give her that but i agree to certain extent why she wouldnt try and work things out with me. We've only met twice in our time together so our relationship you can say nvr really got into fruition, its only now that exams are over that i proposed we can finally meet each other weekly but it had already been a month since we last met each other and she felt too lonely and sad in that time without me which is why she didnt want to continue with this LDR. I find it hurtful you think im doing this as a sort of game, believe me ive given everything i got to try and turn this relationship around and NC right now is the best choice i have from the advice of many people here. Right now im just not sure whether to explain myself or not.
JasonRules Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Its a long story, this is only the short version. Like i said we talked it over on wednesday and she felt she could no longer handle this relationship, with every logical reason i used she just felt she couldnt do it. Shes not a high in confidence girl i will give her that but i agree to certain extent why she wouldnt try and work things out with me. We've only met twice in our time together so our relationship you can say nvr really got into fruition, its only now that exams are over that i proposed we can finally meet each other weekly but it had already been a month since we last met each other and she felt too lonely and sad in that time without me which is why she didnt want to continue with this LDR. I find it hurtful you think im doing this as a sort of game, believe me ive given everything i got to try and turn this relationship around and NC right now is the best choice i have from the advice of many people here. Right now im just not sure whether to explain myself or not. Women don't respond to logic. They mostly act out based on emotion. You telling her why you logically should be together isn't going to work. All it will do is push her away. Also, if you want to give yourself a fighting chance you have to not string this too long. She asked for a breakup; that's fine. You can beg during this phase, but at some point you have to cease all contact and not reply at all. If she has feelings for you, she'll come back. If she never did/doesn't then she won't, which is good because why waste your time with someone who does not want to be with you? Would you rather she stick around, only to dump you 2 or 3 years later? The sooner the shvt hits the fan, the better.
JasonRules Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 anyone got some advice on this? Everyone will tell you the same thing. Maintain strict no contact in order for you to heal and also she might miss you and come back. Start going out, hit the gym, meet up with friends/family etc. There is no advice anyone can offer to magically get her back. It always takes 2 to tango. It's tough, but getting yourself down is not going to help. Use this opportunity to invest in yourself.
Layzie89 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Two people who care for each other don't run away. They confront the problem head and and find solutions. Stop playing games and call her. Ask her to meet in person at a cafe to talk. Tell her what you feel and what you want. Then listen to her side. Agree on what to do next and move on. You can beg during this phase, but at some point you have to cease all contact and not reply at all. First you're saying the NC he's carrying out is a game that he should stop playing, and then you're telling him NC is the only way to go... Now even I'm confused.
Author Tofu Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 First you're saying the NC he's carrying out is a game that he should stop playing, and then you're telling him NC is the only way to go... Now even I'm confused. Thats wat i was thinking as well... ive kept to my NC tho and ignored her texts, its hard to see her concerned and leave her in the dark like that but i guess its for the best, it pains me to leave her without any response cos it would be so unlike me for her, shes a good girl and hurting her like this feels wrong to me
snug.bunny Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 First you're saying the NC he's carrying out is a game that he should stop playing, and then you're telling him NC is the only way to go... Now even I'm confused. Well purposely ignoring someone when they reach out to you is in a way playing games, if you do it because you are trying to get them to come back. If being in contact with the other person is hurting you, then you should do whatever it takes to stay NC. For OP, given the dynamics of his history with this girl, I suggested in another thread that he be honest with her and tell her that he is genuinely sorry for the lack of actions on his part and that he didn't realize at the time, how it may have hurt her. To tell her that he hopes down the road she will reconsider but for now, he will accept/respect her decision and wish her well. He can then tell her that he needs to not be in contact with her because its not fair to either of them to prolong the hurt and that while he will be there for her as a friend, he must use this time to heal and move ahead.
Author Tofu Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Well purposely ignoring someone when they reach out to you is in a way playing games, if you do it because you are trying to get them to come back. If being in contact with the other person is hurting you, then you should do whatever it takes to stay NC. For OP, given the dynamics of his history with this girl, I suggested in another thread that he be honest with her and tell her that he is genuinely sorry for the lack of actions on his part and that he didn't realize at the time, how it may have hurt her. To tell her that he hopes down the road she will reconsider but for now, he will accept/respect her decision and wish her well. He can then tell her that he needs to not be in contact with her because its not fair to either of them to prolong the hurt and that while he will be there for her as a friend, he must use this time to heal and move ahead. It doesnt hurt to be in contact with her, she messaged me at midnight now and we agreed to talk this over on the phone tommorow. She has a right to know why ive gone NC with her and i just cant hold it in me to leave the girl ive nvr wanted to hurt, in the dark like that without an explanation as to why ive dissapeared so suddenly. snug.bunny i guess your words pretty much sum up my thoughts on wat i want to say to her tommorow, its in our best interests to go our separate ways from now on and maybe sometime in the future we could be together again if fate allows us. I would assume theres no way i can word my way through to convince her to give it another shot, im just going to follow wat Gator told me as well and keep it somewhat blunt with her 'you can tell her you're in NC because you don't want to be friends with her, and let her know that unless she wants to date you don't want her as part of your life anymore'. Any other advice you would give for when i pass on the fact i want NC with her? Right now i cant hide the fact i have this huge urge in me to try and word my way through to convince her back to me, i know its wrong so any suggestions guys on how to handle tommorow the best i can? :/ Edited February 16, 2011 by Tofu
Author Tofu Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I can tell she found it hard to accept that i couldnt be friends with her and that we'd lose contact (we've always kept contact daily for 8months), she thought that having a long distance friendship wouldve have been easier than a long distance relationship but sadly i told her that you cant be friends with the one you love, it just cant work that way... then she tried throwing in examples of how ex's became friends from her sisters experience, just like i did when tried to throw in examples of working LDR's that i know. We called it a night earlier and now were just waiting for tommorow and get things out in the open... hopefully it wont be too hard or painful for us. I dunno why but i want to meet her in person again to talk about it, phone just seems not right when youre not able to see the person in front of you and express how you really think and feel, would you support this idea? Or is it just gonna make things more difficult?
snug.bunny Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Try not to maneuver the ship so hard. Everything you do in terms of "what you should do next" is because of a fear of loss and a sense of control. That's quite normal when you care about someone and you sense you are losing them. You try to overcompensate what should have been a natural flow and then everything just goes out of whack.
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Im on my 6th day of NC now and me and my ex decided to give our relationship a break last wednesday which neither of us wanted but we both thought was the best solution. She cried alot and i could tell she still loved me when she said 'i love you' and the passionate kiss we had on wednesday before i left but the 1hr LDR was just too much for her and she felt she could no longer go on. With the advice of the wonderful people here at LS I have kept a strict NC with her for 6days straight now and this is honestly the longest me and my ex have ever gotten to not talking to each other which im sure is both uncomfortable for her and admittedly for me as well but for the sake of getting her back i need her to start missing me. Today is the first day she has shown signs she is starting to show concern on me, she has sent me the following texts today: Heys, you alright? (3:54pm)Not talking to me now? (8:11pm)I am certain it is a sign she is worried about me and im assuming she must think im angry with her from the 2nd text she sent me. We never agreed on NC, i did this without her knowing from the advice given here at LS and on wednesday when we saw each other i did agree to be friends with her (mistake i know) which she mustve assumed till today when she now realizes i no longer reply to her. We've always been close and always been there for each other when one of us starts acting a little odd or down which is why i know shes worried bout me, but for the sake of NC i shouldnt reply to it right? Shes only 17 and these past few days ive grown to accept she does not have enough experience to handle relationships fully yet, which is why i question if doing this NC to her will be any different to say a young adult in her 20's. Ignoring my ex is against my instincts cos ive always been there for her but maybe its best i keep to the NC... what do you think? NC is the best bet if you want her back, breaking contact means being her friend which is all well and good if you don't want to date her. If you do breaking NC will only hinder that goal. Give it some time, she may come around on her own. Being friends isn't an option for you. Eventually yea you may want to go see her in person but now is not the time, she needs to accept NC for what it is. -Gator
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