jojoqueen Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I am hoping to hear from anyone that has been in this situation. I suppose what I discovered was an emotional affair, however there was at least 1 moment of hands on. It happend 9 months ago. I found out by accident of course. Most days I seem to be ok, I think we are on the right path. However, I have some really bad days where I just want to stop trying. I cant change what he did, but can I ever get over it? I just want to know that for all the hurt I am going through there will be a day when it doesnt consume me.
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I too am sorry you are going through this. They say time heals all wounds, but I believe it is what you do with that time that helps you to heal. Are you and he going to IC? To MC? Has he shown true remorse for his actions? has he answered any and all questions you may have had? What, specifically is HE doing to restore your TRUST in him? Is he compassionate to the pain he caused you? Is he willing to discuss not only your feelings, but his too? Has he introspected and come up with the "WHY" of his betrayal? As former BSs, we need reassurance that our WS truly understands three things: What led them to the affair? What sustained the affair? And what reassurances do they give us that this will never happen again? And if they do not get that, what IS the point of the relationship? I know, for me, 2.5 years after discovery was a huge turning point, and that the second year, which is where you are heading, was a very angry year for me. All of this is normal, and I do hope you at least have a good counselor to discuss it all with. He should too! I wish you peace.
Author jojoqueen Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 There has never been any mention of 'us' going for counselling, just me. So far all i have done is read these boards. I keep thinking that maybe i will see something on here that makes me think i will be "ok" with all of this someday. I don't see it happening. There are days when I am consumed with rage. I don't trust anymore and I question that I have heard everything. Everyday I have to talk myself out of calling her to ask her questions. I am normally a very rational person, I fear that if she confirms anything for me that I would react irrationallly, keeping in mind that we have a family and have been together for almost 22 yrs. Also, this has been kept very quiet. He thinks that just the 3 of us know about it, he doesnt know that I have told his best friend.(who has helped me out greatly, and has kept what he knows to himself). I fear that any irrational actions could cause this to become public knowledge. I am ashamed that is has happened and I don't want people to look at me differently, with pity.
Linda9999 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Everything spark said. My husband called for IC for himself the day I found out, and wanted MC as soon as possible (I had to agree to go). He is totally transparent to me now, he answers all my questions, he helps me get through the bad trigger times, he is THERE for me. We read books together and do exercises. He would rather totally forget about what he did, but he knows that I have to get there before it will be past us. He knows my struggles and supports me through them. If he wasn't doing these things I couldn't be with him. FTR my husband did not actually have intercourse with anyone, and there was one instance of physical touching only. I know this because of the full disclosure he gave me, and the snooping I have done on my own (he was snagged by an internet scam, not once but 3 times, during his quest to engage in extramarital sex). I have had to ask him the same questions a thousand times, before I believe the answer the thousand and oneth time. He knows all this and he does it, even though he doesn't want to, because he is committed now.
Snowflower Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 There has never been any mention of 'us' going for counselling, just me. So far all i have done is read these boards. Well LS is a good place to get help, in addition to counseling and reading. Welcome to LS by the way. Have you asked your H to go to counseling with you? If so, what does he say? I keep thinking that maybe i will see something on here that makes me think i will be "ok" with all of this someday. I don't see it happening. There are days when I am consumed with rage. I don't trust anymore and I question that I have heard everything. Everyday I have to talk myself out of calling her to ask her questions. I am normally a very rational person, I fear that if she confirms anything for me that I would react irrationallly, keeping in mind that we have a family and have been together for almost 22 yrs. Well, the only person who can tell you if you will be able to be "okay" with this is YOU. And from what you post, it doesn't sound like you have found the support that you need to work through this. By support I mean your husband, counselor, friends, etc. Why do you want to call the OW? Is it because your husband refuses to talk about it? You need to be able to understand what it is you are dealing with and if your H won't provide you with the answers you need, then you will find this especially challenging. Also, this has been kept very quiet. He thinks that just the 3 of us know about it, he doesnt know that I have told his best friend.(who has helped me out greatly, and has kept what he knows to himself). I fear that any irrational actions could cause this to become public knowledge. I am ashamed that is has happened and I don't want people to look at me differently, with pity. Why has this been kept quiet? Was this your choice? Your husband's? Both of you? Look, some BS will out the affair to anyone who will listen and others keep it private. That is an individual choice. However, what I sense from your posts is that you feel very alone in this. Is this true? You need to find someone to talk to about what you are feeling. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please, ask any questions that you wish...what you post here is very normal for a BS to feel. Many of us have walked in your shoes and while we have arrived at different places in the aftermath, many can identify with the pain you are feeling.
TerryW Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Your post makes me sad. It was the exact same place I was in last year. If I could just find one other person out there that understood how I felt then I might have "Hope" I could make it. Here's my journey..... Twenty-one months ago D-Day. His too was probably an EA but one can never be sure. I spent the first 5 months (May - Oct.) just being devastated. The next 2 months (Nov. - Dec.) reading every book I could get my hands on and entertaining the thought that this might be my fault. (Jan - April) I was MAD!!! Things started finally started calming down (May - now) The thing that has helped me the most is that I truly believe that my hubby is sorry. His actions have changed and he's kept it up. That was my fear for a long time that he was deceiving me but my sister finally said "Terry, if it was an act he couldn't have kept it up this long". I still have fear sometimes. Fear that he might do it again. Fear that I'm being deceived. And maybe I am but I also think "Do I throw away 20 years on a 2 month EA"? (I wish he had of thought about this!!) I still need the encouragement I get from this board sometimes. Especially when the above poster said 2 1/2 years was a turning point for her. (I'm almost there) I hope this helps you. I'm doing it. It hurts like hell but I'm okay if not better than before. My marriage is better than before. The pain will be less and less given time. Good luck.
Planofool Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 June of this year will be 4 years from DDay for my wifes EA. Mine is a little different from yours in the fact that they had carried on a long distance affair for 24 years off and on. The hurt drops off but is still there. In the last month I have reread all the letters he sent her (she kept them all) and gone over all the details. The fact that I am back on here shows I am thinking about it. I read all the literature I could get my hands on trying to figure out what happened. We went to counseling together and seperate. I have lost a pretty big part of my love towards her and don't think it will ever come back. I would love to tell you the hurt will go away but in my opinion it never will. My trust for her is still gone, I still check her phone records and can't seem to stop checking them. I think your in for a long uphill emotional battle, Good luck to you
finallyhappy Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 So sorry you are going through this. I don't know if I really have an answer for you, however, in reading your posts it sounds like you are questioning wheather or not you know everything. So speaking from someone who did swallow her pride and call the OW it helped me get rid of a lying two timing jerk and I am completely and utterly happy in a relationship that has lasted over 12 years and we are both faithful to each other. It's nice to have a man who flirts with me in public and not everyone else. My advice is follow your gut, after 22 years you know your spouse and maybe you didn't think he would cheat but since you said you "discovered" instead of "he confessed" I'm assuming your gut told you something was up. If that same gut that made you discover in the first place tells you you don't know everything and he's not being honest, then you're probably right. And if you want to ask the OW pick up the phone and call. Who cares what someone else may think, they are not in your shoes. You are the BS and you don't owe him, her or anyone else anything. If people find out and think less of them then it's their own fault. The people who truly care about you will not pity you..they will hurt with you, love you and comfort you in this situation. Some of them may have even been in your shoes before. I called his OW because I wanted to know if he was being totally honest and I was shocked that she answered all my questions point blank. I must mention her answers broke my heart but it gave me the strength I needed to confront him and he couldn't sweet talk his way out of it and lie to me, talk about power and strength I gained from that conversation. I left and haven't looked back. If your spouse truly wants to work this out for your family, then you both should be at MC. Hopefully he has changed since your DD. If he is truly trying and reformed then he won't mind going to MC. Altough this board helps you know you are not alone, only you know what it will take for you to heal and what decisions are best for you and there is no certain time frame in which it gets better. The healing process is different for everyone. Please know that anyone who has been in your shoes feels your pain and I'm sure everyone on here wishes you the best. Good luck and remember you deserve to be respected, loved and happy.
Author jojoqueen Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Finallyhappy... part of the problem is that I didn't suspect anything! I was totally taken for surprise with what I found out. It sounds like it was for the most part just 2 coworkers doing some flirting and it went too far. I am being told that they have no contact at all anymore, but , how am I to know for sure when they both still work at the same place?
Terrier Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Four different psychs agreed that it will never work if either my WH or his fow don't leave his company. He sees her every day and emails or speaks to her on the phone thirty or more times a month. No matter how often he says it is just business, I am constantly tortured by the knowledge that a lot of days she spends more time with him than I do. I finally started calling marriage coounselors, who in even a brief, get to know you type of conversation told me it can never work. For two years WH has insisted that I am crazy because I can't let it go. Now I know it's not me. I am leaving him now, and I have peace for the first time since I accidentally discovered his PA, and a couple of simultaneous ea's Save yourself a lot of heartache, and tell him to leave his job if he wants to stay married to you. If he won't go, you will know that it would never have worked. I wish you peace, and a future with loving people who treat you with the respect you deserve.
tami-chan Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 jojoqueen, sorry you are hurting, but if the situation is not acceptable to you and you cannot find a way to make it acceptable-meaning a point where it won't hurt anymore...then you must disengage. Good luck! Congratulations, Terrier for getting to a good place!
Spark1111 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 There has never been any mention of 'us' going for counselling, just me. So far all i have done is read these boards. I keep thinking that maybe i will see something on here that makes me think i will be "ok" with all of this someday. I don't see it happening. There are days when I am consumed with rage. I don't trust anymore and I question that I have heard everything. Everyday I have to talk myself out of calling her to ask her questions. I am normally a very rational person, I fear that if she confirms anything for me that I would react irrationallly, keeping in mind that we have a family and have been together for almost 22 yrs. Also, this has been kept very quiet. He thinks that just the 3 of us know about it, he doesnt know that I have told his best friend.(who has helped me out greatly, and has kept what he knows to himself). I fear that any irrational actions could cause this to become public knowledge. I am ashamed that is has happened and I don't want people to look at me differently, with pity. Why SHOULD you be ashamed? You did not go outside the marriage! You did not have an affair! Why would you be humiliated by the actions of your spouse? He cheated on you. Why are you protecting him from the consequences of his actions? What is your goal here? What steps is HE taking to repair the damage he has done? Why have you told no one? I do not mean announce it to the public at large, but I agree with Snow....children? family? any close friends? Have you told anyone besides that one friend of his? Because while you go quietly crazy, he is doing what????? to make you reassured?
tami-chan Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 There has never been any mention of 'us' going for counselling, just me. So far all i have done is read these boards. I keep thinking that maybe i will see something on here that makes me think i will be "ok" with all of this someday. I don't see it happening. There are days when I am consumed with rage. I don't trust anymore and I question that I have heard everything. Everyday I have to talk myself out of calling her to ask her questions. I am normally a very rational person, I fear that if she confirms anything for me that I would react irrationallly, keeping in mind that we have a family and have been together for almost 22 yrs. Also, this has been kept very quiet. He thinks that just the 3 of us know about it, he doesnt know that I have told his best friend.(who has helped me out greatly, and has kept what he knows to himself). I fear that any irrational actions could cause this to become public knowledge. I am ashamed that is has happened and I don't want people to look at me differently, with pity. Oh jojoqueen, Like you I feared "public knowledge". I kept everything to myself. You do what is acceptable to you. However, I also have to tell you that I DID end up in the hospital-still I did not tell. So, I think you need at least one trusted person as a sounding board-I suggest a professional. In the meantime, what is it that you want? do you want to stay in your marriage? to leave? whatever you do, you do ONLY in your own terms. ONLY in your own terms. It is the only way you can salvage the pride you think you have lost.
finallyhappy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 JoJo, again I feel your pain. My personal opinion is someone needs to find a new job. I know the economy is hard right now but if that is what it takes for you to move on then he should be looking for a position somewhere else. If he is truly dedicated to you and your marriage, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. I'm not saying just walk out but he should be looking for a similar position away from this woman. Some others will post that him going somewhere else may not give you peace of mind either, but if they had an EA then there was an attraction on more than just a physical level. I'm not saying that to hurt you that is just what an EA is and my fear if it was me would be that someday one or the other of them may start it back up even an innocent attempt at friendship or common curisity could trigger something. I'm not saying it will but connecting emotionally is different than physically. Again I stress that you need to do whatever it takes for YOU to be OK! Don't worry about what anyone else is going to think or say, you know what you need from him to be reassured right now and you should tell him. If he truly is remorseful (I do believe some people can change and do regret their mistakes) then honesty on both parts is required. MC is recommended by alot of people on here, if you go that way then please choose someone that will deal with the issues because in order to move on and for you to trust him again you have to deal with what happened not just forget it. I'm sure you've asked the questions we all have..why, how, what was it about her? I would be curious as to his answers. Is he truly opening his heart and telling you everything even if he knows it would hurt? or is he sugar coating it? The more honest he is with you about his feelings the better you will be able to make the decisions you need to.
Author jojoqueen Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Ok, so there is something new today.. In my travels I found out that "she" had a death in her family and that there was a card and donation box for all staff to sign and donate money to help her travel expenses. I was offhandedly told he made a donation, but not to what. So today I sent text asking what he made donation for, I got back a "wonderfully" crafted lie. One that would take me much time and effort to disprove. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that it is for sure a lie, and now I don't know if I should call him on it?
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Do you have access to bank acct statements or cell phone records? Next time, try to verify your suspicions before confronting. WSs always lie unless they are confronted with absolute proof.
Brian Kent Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 My wife had an affair 25 years ago this coming October. She still called it a mistake and has never shown any regret about my upset and hurt feelings. As such the heeling process has never been allowed to see through out its course. It was 9 years into our marriage and she was 8 months pregnant with our second child. She was befriended by a guy/predator (I wont call him a man) and they enjoyed lots on telephone chats together, where he flattered and wooed her. They waited several weeks after their initial quick drink in a local bar before meeting up again for full on sex together (without a condom) at his flat. This was during the period when she was still breast feeding our child. I never saw her affair coming. She confessed about her 'one-off mistake' some 11 months after their second and last meeting (our first child was barely 3 years old and new arrival less than a year old). In mind then as it is now is all the lies she told, the times when the home phone would cut out when I answered, my mini-nervous breakdown, my thinking that my family and friends knew about her affair, the total loss of trust and respect (which took years to rebuild), etc, etc, etc. Before and during the time of her affair my wife told me that she loved me and likewise I loved her 100%. I think back at our hand holding in hospital when she gave birth to our second child, all the while she was having an affair with a stranger (she only met him twice). This terrible news and episode is never distant from my mind, just parked up somewhere close by... We have never taken the counselling route...it was a "mistake, never to be repeated" she told me. So what's the point? From the moment of her breaking her shattering news I quickly realised that I had NO alternative but to PUSH this shocking situation to the back of my mind and work at making our marriage succeed. We have both given it our all and we have for the main part been a very happy couple and family. However the shock and hurt does not fade, it hides and I know it always there. The memory & reminder triggers (certain songs, places, people, his Christian name, the time of the year, wishing the guy dead every day, etc, etc....) are lurking and waiting to be switched-on. In all honesty Good Luck to you.
PollyIvy Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad but you're not alone. My H had an EA followed by another A (not sure what happened there). I find that I'll be doing fine, and suddenly, something will trigger the feelings, and I'll feel all the hurt and anger again for a while. It's so hard to be strong, and not say anything, because those rushes of feeling are intense.
JRoy Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 The short answer is no. Some days are just fine and 'feel' normal. And then again, some are not so fine and anything BUT normal. I mostly try to focus on just what is in front of me to do today. Helping others also seems to work. It gets me out of thinking and letting the mind wonder. I know how very difficult it can be and you just must strive to be the best you that is possible. Counseling is a BIG help, both IC and MC. Some days may seem very gloomy, but others have been through it, and more will follow. You may be of some great help to another human being down the road. Just one foot at a time.
Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 There has never been any mention of 'us' going for counselling, just me. So far all i have done is read these boards. I keep thinking that maybe i will see something on here that makes me think i will be "ok" with all of this someday. I don't see it happening. There are days when I am consumed with rage. I don't trust anymore and I question that I have heard everything. Everyday I have to talk myself out of calling her to ask her questions. I am normally a very rational person, I fear that if she confirms anything for me that I would react irrationallly, keeping in mind that we have a family and have been together for almost 22 yrs. Also, this has been kept very quiet. He thinks that just the 3 of us know about it, he doesnt know that I have told his best friend.(who has helped me out greatly, and has kept what he knows to himself). I fear that any irrational actions could cause this to become public knowledge. I am ashamed that is has happened and I don't want people to look at me differently, with pity. My wife cheated and told everyone in her family. I didnt tell any of my friends or family for a year. Then I decided why protect her image while I feel like a sap around her family? I told EVERYONE then and felt a lot better! DONT keep it a secret! Shame him! He wont do it to himself, doesnt sound like he is even ashamed. You will actually feel a lot LESS ashamed if you let everyone know what he did. Believe me, I've tried both ways.
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