Glutton4Punishment Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Is there a place for your story? Advice..Need to hear it from someone else..The MM I have been involved with started 8 years ago. He had been married at the time for 13 years. I was younger and somewhat naive but none the less in love. The very first time we went out he said to me, "We will do this until it no longer is fun for us." Not really grasping the full concept of being involved with a MM I happily went along. He was older than me, 12 years older than me but I was mature for my age so we got along well. He was old enough to provide security for me and I was young enough to make him feel alive again. In the 11 months the affair lasted, he was faithful to me. Not in any way being dumb, but I told him I expected total honesty. Even if it was going to hurt my feelings, I needed the absolute truth. He moved out of the bedroom they shared and into the spare room. In my mind, she didn't exist. It was just he and I. I know I will take flak for that but it is what it is. 12 days prior to us being together for a year he came to me and said, "You know, I heard that anything beyond and year isn't considered an affair any longer." I agreed but really didn't get what he was about to tell me. He said that his wife had found out about us and he needed to end it with me to keep his family together. Their daughter was 7 or 8 at the time. When he said this, a huge hole in the ground opened up and I fell inside it, then tons of dirt was piled high on my chest..That's what it felt like anyway. To say I was devestated does not do justice to the feelings I had during this time. 8 years later it is still raw when I think about it. I believe that he was MY first love. For a few months after he left me to go back to his wife, we talked and occasionally saw each other but each time it just made the suffering worse for me. So I had to have NC. That was it. I could no longer break my own heart. In essence I moved on. Over the years we have kept in contact as friends. Talking maybe once or twice a year. Truly wishing each other well. About 6 months ago he came back into my life in full force. It all happened so fast now that I think about it I don't know how it even happened. He moved out of the home he still shared with his wife and we started making plans for our life together. Still skeptical, I needed to make sure it was for real this time. So plans being made, hearts being broken, and divorce papers on the horizon I began to see that I was finally goingto have him the way I had wanted. The gold lining has since fell off and he has once again gone back to his wife or someone else for all I know but he did again to me what he did 8 years ago. Made me fall in love with him only to walk away. Why am I so surprised this time?
BB07 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I'm sorry G4P that you are in pain and welcome to LS. Work on putting this and that man behind you as he has brought you a lot of pain. Like you I found that someone that you get a 2nd chance with still has the same issues and problems they had the 1st go around and it has a even higher probability of turning out worse. I'm working on me and learning about getting good boundaries so I won't take unnecessary risks letting someone in my life and I'm 100% positive that I will never get involved with anyone again who is still in a relationship with someone else. It is too risky and it brings pain to so many people, yourself, the bs and kids and family. From your post I gather that you are still young, so please do what you need to do to protect yourself from this kind of thing again. Hugs......
blissfullyoblivious Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Is there a place for your story? Advice..Need to hear it from someone else..The MM I have been involved with started 8 years ago. He had been married at the time for 13 years. I was younger and somewhat naive but none the less in love. The very first time we went out he said to me, "We will do this until it no longer is fun for us." Not really grasping the full concept of being involved with a MM I happily went along. He was older than me, 12 years older than me but I was mature for my age so we got along well. He was old enough to provide security for me and I was young enough to make him feel alive again. In the 11 months the affair lasted, he was faithful to me. Not in any way being dumb, but I told him I expected total honesty. Even if it was going to hurt my feelings, I needed the absolute truth. He moved out of the bedroom they shared and into the spare room. In my mind, she didn't exist. It was just he and I. I know I will take flak for that but it is what it is. 12 days prior to us being together for a year he came to me and said, "You know, I heard that anything beyond and year isn't considered an affair any longer." I agreed but really didn't get what he was about to tell me. He said that his wife had found out about us and he needed to end it with me to keep his family together. Their daughter was 7 or 8 at the time. When he said this, a huge hole in the ground opened up and I fell inside it, then tons of dirt was piled high on my chest..That's what it felt like anyway. To say I was devestated does not do justice to the feelings I had during this time. 8 years later it is still raw when I think about it. I believe that he was MY first love. For a few months after he left me to go back to his wife, we talked and occasionally saw each other but each time it just made the suffering worse for me. So I had to have NC. That was it. I could no longer break my own heart. In essence I moved on. Over the years we have kept in contact as friends. Talking maybe once or twice a year. Truly wishing each other well. About 6 months ago he came back into my life in full force. It all happened so fast now that I think about it I don't know how it even happened. He moved out of the home he still shared with his wife and we started making plans for our life together. Still skeptical, I needed to make sure it was for real this time. So plans being made, hearts being broken, and divorce papers on the horizon I began to see that I was finally goingto have him the way I had wanted. The gold lining has since fell off and he has once again gone back to his wife or someone else for all I know but he did again to me what he did 8 years ago. Made me fall in love with him only to walk away. Why am I so surprised this time? So sorry. You had no idea that he had not changed so why berate yourself? What has happened is not specific to an affair but to all romantic relationships - sometimes your lover is not worth your tears. If he was going to walk away it is better now than when you are mortgaged/pregnant/married etc. It would be worse if he continually disappointed you and you chose to keep giving him chances. You did not. Imagine having to deal with years of investment in a person to have your loyalty wasted. Please note that some people who post here cannot understand that an OW/M can be betrayed/deceived. It is always their own fault for engaging in "risky"behaviour.
desertIslandCactus Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Perhaps you're surprised because you walked in Faith, each time. Hopefully this confused man is out of your life. And Remembering that it is Never too late to re-build..
jj33 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Welcome and so sorry you are hurting. How could you have known? He moved out which is such a big thing. Yes some people go back but most dont. We see a lot of stories here of people going back and forth but when relationships are going swimmingly most people (not all we have some happy success stories here) tend not to post much. As DIC said you had faith and that is a wonderful thing. Dont lose your ability to trust. Take good care
BB07 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 So sorry. You had no idea that he had not changed so why berate yourself? What has happened is not specific to an affair but to all romantic relationships - sometimes your lover is not worth your tears. If he was going to walk away it is better now than when you are mortgaged/pregnant/married etc. It would be worse if he continually disappointed you and you chose to keep giving him chances. You did not. Imagine having to deal with years of investment in a person to have your loyalty wasted. Please note that some people who post here cannot understand that an OW/M can be betrayed/deceived. It is always their own fault for engaging in "risky"behaviour. I'm not sure if you were aiming for me with that risky behavior thing because of what I said in my post, but I do stand by what I said because it is high risk and also......I didn't say that I didn't understand how it feels to be betrayed and deceived. I certainly do understand it all too well.
Author Glutton4Punishment Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I'm sorry G4P that you are in pain and welcome to LS. Work on putting this and that man behind you as he has brought you a lot of pain. Like you I found that someone that you get a 2nd chance with still has the same issues and problems they had the 1st go around and it has a even higher probability of turning out worse. I'm working on me and learning about getting good boundaries so I won't take unnecessary risks letting someone in my life and I'm 100% positive that I will never get involved with anyone again who is still in a relationship with someone else. It is too risky and it brings pain to so many people, yourself, the bs and kids and family. From your post I gather that you are still young, so please do what you need to do to protect yourself from this kind of thing again. Hugs...... Thanks so much for the insight. My best friend keeps telling me that the best thing about me is that I continue to trust people and that I am still not giving up on love. I really think for a while at least, this is it. 8 years ago he broke my heart and 8 years later, I let him do the same thing. Right now it seems like it will not get better, even though I know it will. I just hate myself right now for allowing him to do this to me again. I want to be mad and call him and be like, hey a-hole....And just let him have it..But I still love him, I cannot disrespect him in the same way he has done me. Sure will be glad when I get over this. This is the LAST time I take his s...
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I want to be mad and call him and be like, hey a-hole....And just let him have it..But I still love him, I cannot disrespect him in the same way he has done me. Sure will be glad when I get over this. Vent it out. Write a letter (many letters) to him, either by pen and paper or in word program on your computer.. Just don't send it to him! It's for your eyes only and theraputic reasons to help you, make you feel better. This is the LAST time I take his s... Great! So, do you have anything of his? Letters, presents, whatever.. Burn it!
Author Glutton4Punishment Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Vent it out. Write a letter (many letters) to him, either by pen and paper or in word program on your computer.. Just don't send it to him! It's for your eyes only and theraputic reasons to help you, make you feel better. Great! So, do you have anything of his? Letters, presents, whatever.. Burn it! I'd sure hate to have to burn my car... That would really suck but yes everything else from him is toast!
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