Inflikted Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I posted about this a while back, but here's a recap for those who didn't read it/ don't remember: I accidentally stumbled upon some trouble information about my mom, and couldn't help snooping into her Facebook/ e-mail account, and found out she was trying to cheat on her husband (my dad) with an old flame from 40 years ago, who is also married with kids. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom that I snooped and found this stuff out, because she'd be beyond pissed if she found that out. I kinda hoped nothing would come of her and this guy, but recently, he sent her an e-mail about getting together in person, and he even explicitly wrote in the message that they could lie to their significant others about where they're going and who they'd be with. Troubled by this, I set up a fake e-mail account, and then used that e-mail account to set up a fake Facebook page (to keep my identity private), and then I sent a message to this guy's wife, telling her what I know, and I also copied and pasted that e-mail he sent to my mom, so his wife could see it.
GorillaTheater Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Yeah, for what it's worth I think you did the right thing. Very tough crap for you to have to deal with. Here's one possible outcome you should probably prepare for: your mom thinking your dad did the "leaking", and all the irrational fog-driven anger that goes along with that. You need a plan for dealing with both your parents if that comes to pass. If it doesn't, you're still going to have to figure out whether and what you'll tell your dad about what you know. My heart goes out to you, man.
TigerCub Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 WOW sweetie, I'm so sorry that you have to parent your own mom. I think you acted out of fear of anything happening. I'd hate to say this - but it will get traced back to your mom. Even if you don't mention her info in the email - the guy is going to know that the email was your mom's (when his W asks him about it) He might actually think that your mom is the one that ratted him out (for some crazy reason) and he will obviously hash it out with her. If your mom comes to you though - stay strong, you're not the one doing wrong here. She can get as mad as she wants - so what? She's the one that's going to betray your dad. She's way more wrong than you snooping and trying to avoid an affair that would hurt your dad. I know its not easy right now, but don't worry - if she confronts you, remember that she's still the one in the wrong. I understand that it might be extremely difficult to tell your dad (and honestly I don't think you should ever be in that position) but have you considered it?
Author Inflikted Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 I'm concerned to tell my dad, because, well... I'm not sure he'd handle it well. When he lost his job a couple years ago, he practically had an emotional breakdown. If he found out his wife was trying to mess around with another guy, I'm afraid he'd do something crazy, like try to take his own life. I've basically been acting like I don't know about any of it; basically, like nothing's different. I've tried to press my mom for info when I've caught her on the phone with the other guy (well, I didn't explicitly know who she was talking to, but just by the things I overheard her saying, I'm 99% positive it was), but if I even try to press her on those things, she starts a HUGE fight with me about how I'm always spying on her, and that she's in her 50s, and what friends she has is none of my business, etc. I've stopped trying to press the issue, because that's the only thing I ever get back from her, and I can't keep having the same fight. Plus, she's been in and out of the hospital with heart issues a couple years back, and so if I try to confront her, there's a very good chance she'll try to act like I'm upsetting her and causing her to go to the hospital, or something, and I don't want to go down that road. As far as the e-mail I found, it *could* come back to her, but to be fair, someone could've also accessed his e-mail and viewed messages he had sent out, and gotten it that way, as well. I dunno, I just didn't know what else to do. I don't think I could trust my mom to end it with this guy, and I'm sure even if she tried, he'd sweet talk his way back in. Plus, I tried to be as nice as possible when I wrote to the guy's wife. I didn't explicitly say "he's cheating on you", or anything like that. I just said that they seemed to have an inappropriate relationship forming, and I thought she deserved to know what was going on.
TigerCub Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Well if you think your mom is going to use guilt tactics (like this is making me need to go to the hospital) etc... why don't you use the same? I think you should forward all the emails (that seem incriminating) from her account to your fake account (unless she really notices forward icons) and then write her a letter. In the letter tell her that you have all the emails, that you are aware of what she's doing. Explain to her that although you know snooping is wrong, her having an affair (an emotional one even) is way more wrong. Tell her how you hate finding out all this stuff about your own mother, and you feel all this weight she's put on your shoulders is unfair. Tell her that if things don't stop you will tell your father - and that the only reason you haven't yet is because you're worried about his mental and emotional health - but you will tell him if it comes to that. Tell her that you don't want your father to be betrayed and played for a fool, and if she pushes you, you will have to tell him and ask her if she's prepared to have whatever happens to him on her conscience. Ask her (this is pushing the mom buttons big time) - ask her, 'would you ever want this kind of thing to happen to me one day?' and then lay it on thick and tell her that because of her actions, you are seriously troubled about relationships and are developing serious trust issues and that all her behavior is seriously damaging to you. Is this what a good mother wants for her child? Tell her that you care about her, but there's only so much you can take. If she's going to guilt and manipulate - do it right back.
Author Inflikted Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Ask her (this is pushing the mom buttons big time) - ask her, 'would you ever want this kind of thing to happen to me one day?' and then lay it on thick and tell her that because of her actions, you are seriously troubled about relationships and are developing serious trust issues and that all her behavior is seriously damaging to you. Is this what a good mother wants for her child? Funny thing is, I actually have become soured on the idea of dating/ relationships/ marriage because of this situation. Anyway, e-mailing my mom would be nice, but... I still live at home. We have a small house, and I see her constantly throughout the day. No way that'd fly, unfortunately. It'd all come bubbling up right away. I'm horrible at "fighting back", too, so I always end up losing any arguments, and it's such a touchy subject, I just... don't know. :/
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Funny thing is, I actually have become soured on the idea of dating/ relationships/ marriage because of this situation. Anyway, e-mailing my mom would be nice, but... I still live at home. We have a small house, and I see her constantly throughout the day. No way that'd fly, unfortunately. It'd all come bubbling up right away. I'm horrible at "fighting back", too, so I always end up losing any arguments, and it's such a touchy subject, I just... don't know. :/ Is there anyone you could talk to at school? They have counselors, for free, that you may be able to speak to about this. If they do, please try to make an appointment. Remember this: As long as you do not threaten to harm yourself, or another, what you say, all that you say, is strictly confidential. Why not find out?
Author Inflikted Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 *shrug* I'm taking classes at a community college (I'm 22, by the way), so I'm not sure if there's some kind of counseling I could get. I dunno. Even if there was, would it make a difference? I've already interfered, now that I sent that message to the other guy's wife. Or do you just mean, for my own sake, so I don't become totally bitter on the idea of dating/ being in a relationship, myself?
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 *shrug* I'm taking classes at a community college (I'm 22, by the way), so I'm not sure if there's some kind of counseling I could get. I dunno. Even if there was, would it make a difference? I've already interfered, now that I sent that message to the other guy's wife. Or do you just mean, for my own sake, so I don't become totally bitter on the idea of dating/ being in a relationship, myself? Well, yes...all of the above. Why bear this burden alone? There is student services and often that includes counselors. I know you are trying to protect your dad and prevent your mom from doing something really stupid. But you have a right to be a young man free of all this "parenting" of your parents. Someday, you should/could live your own life free of what is happening to them or not. You sound like a really nice and concerned person. But at some point, they will have to sink or swim in their own relationship, and you will have to make your own way. It's your life. How do you envision YOUR future? Because the bottom line is they have to be responsible for their own happiness, and you are responsible for your happiness in life. I am sorry to see you so burdened with their problems! You are young and should be enjoying your life too!
Snowflower Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 *shrug* I'm taking classes at a community college (I'm 22, by the way), so I'm not sure if there's some kind of counseling I could get. I dunno. Even if there was, would it make a difference? I've already interfered, now that I sent that message to the other guy's wife. Or do you just mean, for my own sake, so I don't become totally bitter on the idea of dating/ being in a relationship, myself? Yes, there are counselors and maybe even a student health center where you might be able to talk to a psychologist for free since you are a student. This could be a good resource. I think you did the right thing and tried to do it in a way that is the least painful and intrusive for everyone involved. Dealing with your Dad is another matter.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 *shrug* I'm taking classes at a community college (I'm 22, by the way), so I'm not sure if there's some kind of counseling I could get. I dunno. Even if there was, would it make a difference? I've already interfered, now that I sent that message to the other guy's wife. Or do you just mean, for my own sake, so I don't become totally bitter on the idea of dating/ being in a relationship, myself? The one thing you didn't think of, HER life. Maybe this guy's wife has health issues, or they have a sick child.. You just put all of this into someone else's life whether she likes it or not. I know you're protecting your dad, rightfully so, and in some way, your mom too since you can't keep confrontining her. One day soon though, especially if nothing changes with your mom and this guy, either you let it go, or you let your mom know you're mentioning it to your dad, or you move out and stay out of what your mom does. It's awful you're in this situation, no kid of ANY age should be this involved in their parents personal life/marriage.
StoneCold Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Wait a minute let me get something straight... You found emails in your mother's account from a guy. the content of the emails indicate that they likely havent cheated yet but may doing so...SO... you take it upon yourself to email the other guys wife (a complete stranger if I may add); and in as much as you didnt "explicitly say "he's cheating on you"" outright, by doing what you did you are implying this. So what you have done is taken an A-B situation (which was none of your business if I may add) and made it an A-B-C situation all based on conjecture? Man there are some .....interesting people on this board If you had to do something why not anonymously email your mom with an "I know what you did last summer" angle. That would likely spook her out enough to stop her in her tracks... she wont know its you... and you didnt have to go involving other people... that you dont know Edited February 15, 2011 by StoneCold
TigerCub Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Funny thing is, I actually have become soured on the idea of dating/ relationships/ marriage because of this situation. I totally believe that. Anyway, e-mailing my mom would be nice, but... I still live at home. We have a small house, and I see her constantly throughout the day. No way that'd fly, unfortunately. It'd all come bubbling up right away. I'm horrible at "fighting back", too, so I always end up losing any arguments, and it's such a touchy subject, I just... don't know. :/ The part in bold is why I suggested you write out your feelings in a letter - that way it gives you a chance to think through all of it and articulate exactly how this is making you feel and the effects of it on you. Also, that way you wouldn't have to be worried about coming up with a snappy comeback or a counterpoint right there. I understand that you live with her, and so, can't avoid her, but I dunno, I just thought that maybe if she read it, some things would get through to her. I figured that no mother would really want to see their child get damaged - especially because of that parent's actions. I agree with the posters that suggested you see a specialist through your school. Edited February 15, 2011 by TigerCub
Author Inflikted Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 @StoneCold I didn't feel like telling the full story all over again, but I think you're misunderstanding what happened. Last fall, my mom made an offhand comment about an old male friend writing to her on Facebook. Later on, she mentioned him again, claiming he asked her to send him nude pictures of herself, and she said that creeped her out and she defriended him. I was curious to see what, exactly, he had said, so I took a peek and the messages I saw from her said nothing like that. It seemed odd to me, though, so I kept an eye on it, and I noticed my mom was coming on to him big time. He only seemed interested in being friends, for a while, but she kept dropping hints, and eventually he started responding to them. Then, on a day where I didn't have class and didn't have to work, I noticed she got a phone call and ran into the basement to take it. It was odd to me, because she never ran to do that before. I questioned her about it afterwards, and she claimed it was some female friend of hers, and she said she took it in the basement because I always "eavesdrop" on her calls. The next day I was home, she got a call at about the same time, and once again, made a beeline for the basement. As she was zipping to get away, I heard her say something to him about his place of work, which is what really tipped me off that it was him she was talking to. Sometimes, during these calls, I'd kinda be walking around, like making myself lunch, and I'd overhear some things she'd say to him. They're often very flirtatious. Once, while I was getting ready for work, I was in the bathroom getting dressed, and I heard her talking to him on the vent, and then they started having phone sex. *shudder* Now, he's pushing to see her in person, and she seems to be very interested. She's already pre-emptively telling me and her dad that she's making plans to do stuff with her old (female) friends, but I'm still keeping an eye on her e-mails, and I know she's really making plans with him. If you had to do something why not anonymously email your mom with an "I know what you did last summer" angle. That would likely spook her out enough to stop her in her tracks... she wont know its you... and you didnt have to go involving other people... that you dont know I thought of that, but the guy she's after is kind of a computer tech guy. Er, well, I don't know how smart he is with it, but I was worried she'd tell him about it, and give him the fake e-mail address I'd make up, and have him try to look it up to see who it is. I figure, at least with a fake Facebook, I can opt to hide all my contact information, and at worst, the account would simply be shut down if they complained to Facebook. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty paranoid about it, but eh, I just don't want to specifically be involved when this whole thing comes crashing down.
michelangelo Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 You did the right thing trying to expose your mom's crappy behavior. I am sorry you have had to defend that which she is throwing away. Are you positive that your father cannot handle this? At some point he needs to be told. Best would be by her. I would not fess up to outing her, especially until you stash the evidence where she can't get it. Will she be mad when she discovers the "betrayal"? Ironic but true.
lkjh Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Stonecold you do realize that you only side with the cheater right? I know in the other thread you try and pretend that you see all sides but you only see the side that supports cheating. You said that the op took a A-B situation and made it a A-B-C situation and that is bulls***. This is the op's family and they have every right to be involved. Some people really have no sense of family, duty, and honor Inflikted, you have been put in a rough spot and clearly it is taking its toll on your mental health. I think its time you find someone to talk to or flat out speak to your mother. Let her know how bad she is messing up your family and mental well-being
Author Inflikted Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I notice he hasn't written to my mom all day, so I can't help but wonder if his wife got the message and they're hashing things out... Or it could be that she hasn't seen it, and he just hasn't had a chance to write to my mom at all, and I'm just on edge for nothing, yet... One problem that just crossed my mind is, well... What if him and his wife split up because of this...? I mean, I don't care about him, and she'd probably be better off, anyway, but then he'd be completely free to keep pursuing my mom, and I'd be right back at square one. >_< Ugh.
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Wait a minute let me get something straight... You found emails in your mother's account from a guy. the content of the emails indicate that they likely havent cheated yet but may doing so...SO... you take it upon yourself to email the other guys wife (a complete stranger if I may add); and in as much as you didnt "explicitly say "he's cheating on you"" outright, by doing what you did you are implying this. So what you have done is taken an A-B situation (which was none of your business if I may add) and made it an A-B-C situation all based on conjecture? Man there are some .....interesting people on this board If you had to do something why not anonymously email your mom with an "I know what you did last summer" angle. That would likely spook her out enough to stop her in her tracks... she wont know its you... and you didnt have to go involving other people... that you dont know Stone cold, don't know your background....... Children ALWAYS know, ALWAYS hurt for the betrayed parent, ALWAYS try to preserve the family unit. He loves his mother too much to confront her on her bad behavior. He wants to protect his fragile dad from what is going on. He loves his parents equally, as ALL children do. So he is lashing out at the person he does not know, has no need to protect. Does this surprise you? Are you the poster who WANTS to cheat? Because you should be reading this and realizing how YOUR child may feel one day. This board is filled with caring people. Sorry it is not what YOU expected as YOU look for reasons to betray your family..... So cheat if you want to, but do not expect us to whitewash the devastation it will cost YOUR child if you do so...............
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I notice he hasn't written to my mom all day, so I can't help but wonder if his wife got the message and they're hashing things out... Or it could be that she hasn't seen it, and he just hasn't had a chance to write to my mom at all, and I'm just on edge for nothing, yet... One problem that just crossed my mind is, well... What if him and his wife split up because of this...? I mean, I don't care about him, and she'd probably be better off, anyway, but then he'd be completely free to keep pursuing my mom, and I'd be right back at square one. >_< Ugh. Well then it would be time to tell BOTH of them the truth of what you do know.....and let them hash it out. You need to live your life free of their relationship drama! You are working tooooo hard to keep them together, free from all this potential affair drama! Whether you are 4 or 22, you need two parents who are honest with each other and with YOU! You do not need this anxiety, the anxiety of keeping them together at all costs, although I understand what you are trying to preserve: the happy family scenario of your childhood. But the cosy is WAAAAY too high for you: two selfish, needy, non=comunicative, adolescent parents equals You an adult, way before your time. I am so sorry you have to parent your parents, when they should be there, as tru adults, parenting you!
jnj express Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 For your dad's sake---it's time you had it out with your mother---just go in cold and icy, and stare her down, and don't let her blameshift you, or back you down----tell her point blank, she is cheating on your father, and you will not allow it to continue---or she can leave if she wants----Draw your line in the sand, and stand firm----she is not gonna push you on this, cuz that would mean your father would find out what is going on Just tell her it all ends now, with NC in place or if she refuses, she leaves, or you will "out" her----your father deserves no less---he spent a lifetime taking care of you, now you need to take care of him!!!!
StoneCold Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Stonecold you do realize that you only side with the cheater right? I know in the other thread you try and pretend that you see all sides but you only see the side that supports cheating. You said that the op took a A-B situation and made it a A-B-C situation and that is bulls***. This is the op's family and they have every right to be involved. Some people really have no sense of family, duty, and honor Show me how I only side with the cheater... I even gave him an option of stopping his mom that I think may work out a bit better. And he DID make it an A-B-C. If he wants to stop his mom then fine... shes his mom but sticking his nose in other people's lives (the other guys wife)... is not advisable. Lemme guess... you're one of those annoyingly nosey people that just feel entitled to stick their nose where it doesnt belong...because of course your so HONOURABLE... lol bull****
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I agree. He made the situation worse by now involving the MM's wife. And, as I said before, he has no idea what MM and his wife's life is like, or their issues. I completely understand the A/B and now it becoming ABCD. More drama could be on the way.. Not done on purpose, but by not thinking of all the consquences and thinking of the affect this is going to have now on others too. I do worry that inflikted won't be able to keep a straight face and not give away that he got more involved in this.. If your mom asks you outright if you had anything to do with this, what are you going to say? How will you react? inside and outside.
StoneCold Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Stone cold, don't know your background....... Children ALWAYS know, ALWAYS hurt for the betrayed parent, ALWAYS try to preserve the family unit. He loves his mother too much to confront her on her bad behavior. He wants to protect his fragile dad from what is going on. He loves his parents equally, as ALL children do. So he is lashing out at the person he does not know, has no need to protect. Does this surprise you? Are you the poster who WANTS to cheat? Because you should be reading this and realizing how YOUR child may feel one day. This board is filled with caring people. Sorry it is not what YOU expected as YOU look for reasons to betray your family..... So cheat if you want to, but do not expect us to whitewash the devastation it will cost YOUR child if you do so............... Always huh....lol Ask me how I know you're full of ****
fooled once Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm concerned to tell my dad, because, well... I'm not sure he'd handle it well. When he lost his job a couple years ago, he practically had an emotional breakdown. If he found out his wife was trying to mess around with another guy, I'm afraid he'd do something crazy, like try to take his own life. I've basically been acting like I don't know about any of it; basically, like nothing's different. I've tried to press my mom for info when I've caught her on the phone with the other guy (well, I didn't explicitly know who she was talking to, but just by the things I overheard her saying, I'm 99% positive it was), but if I even try to press her on those things, she starts a HUGE fight with me about how I'm always spying on her, and that she's in her 50s, and what friends she has is none of my business, etc. I've stopped trying to press the issue, because that's the only thing I ever get back from her, and I can't keep having the same fight. Plus, she's been in and out of the hospital with heart issues a couple years back, and so if I try to confront her, there's a very good chance she'll try to act like I'm upsetting her and causing her to go to the hospital, or something, and I don't want to go down that road. As far as the e-mail I found, it *could* come back to her, but to be fair, someone could've also accessed his e-mail and viewed messages he had sent out, and gotten it that way, as well. I dunno, I just didn't know what else to do. I don't think I could trust my mom to end it with this guy, and I'm sure even if she tried, he'd sweet talk his way back in. Plus, I tried to be as nice as possible when I wrote to the guy's wife. I didn't explicitly say "he's cheating on you", or anything like that. I just said that they seemed to have an inappropriate relationship forming, and I thought she deserved to know what was going on. I think what you did was sweet in a way. Sounds strange, I know, but the concern you have for both of your parents is touching. I am confused on how you think the email could come back to her via someone accessing his email and viewed messages. Who do you think would go into his email? That part doesn't sound very thought out, especially if he is a computer type guy. I think that if confronted, you should tell her yes, you did see the emails from him (don't have to tell her specifically that you snooped) and that if it was "innocent" (if she claims that) ask her if she would be okay with your dad reading it Well, yes...all of the above. Why bear this burden alone? There is student services and often that includes counselors. I know you are trying to protect your dad and prevent your mom from doing something really stupid. But you have a right to be a young man free of all this "parenting" of your parents. Someday, you should/could live your own life free of what is happening to them or not. You sound like a really nice and concerned person. But at some point, they will have to sink or swim in their own relationship, and you will have to make your own way. It's your life. How do you envision YOUR future? Because the bottom line is they have to be responsible for their own happiness, and you are responsible for your happiness in life. I am sorry to see you so burdened with their problems! You are young and should be enjoying your life too! Great post Spark.
Woman In Blue Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Sorry, but the whole thing just sounds creepy to me. I think a 22 year old male sticking his nose this far into his mother's business - to the point of going into her messages and setting up a fake profile, etc. etc. etc. - is just creepy as hell. I also think it's beyond revolting that the OP had to hear his mother having phone sex through a heater vent in the bathroom. But then again, the OP has gone WAY out of his way to FIND things, so I'd be willing to bet good money he didn't accidentally overhear that conversation, but probably had his ear plastered to the vent. Ugh. Completely creepy.
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