thegreatmistake Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 So long story short, I made some mistakes (the smothering, jealousy, not mature enough for the relationship kind) and my GF of a year left me after moving states to be with me. We've been in and out of NC for the last 3 weeks, and seen each other in passing, and there's clearly still a spark there, but she went out of her way to say she feels like without all of the drama of my previous actions she feels like a weight has been lifted from her and she doesn't want to go back. She also said she wants to be friends, which I told her I'm not ready for right now before I reinitiated NC a few days ago. So where do I go from here? how long do I stay in NC, is it possible to spend time with her so she realizes that I have grown and seen where I went wrong and learned how to better interact in a relationship (thanks largely to LS)? After 3 weeks, while still in love with her, a large part of me has moved on and realizes that what we had wasn't mature enough to last, however having been in many long-term, serious relationships over the years I also feel that this girl is special and worth fighting for. Advice? Help? (also: made all of the expected mistakes - staying in contact, saying i could do better, etc.)
2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Well I guess the only option is you guessed it NC. There is no other option really as she is putting you in friend zone and you are keeping in contact, it won't work out if you keep contacting etc. You'll just stay in FZ and by that she will keep you on the back burner, while she considers other options. You have to send out the message that you are NOT going to be at her beck and call, not be available as a shoulder to cry on, and not talk to her again. Harsh yes, but if you want any chance of getting back you need to help her to on her merry way and give her the space she wanted (i'm assuming she said she wanted the "space to herself" and "lets just be friends" speech - right?). NC is also about you healing, mainly about you healing, if you keep in contact you will keep yourself in that zone of always wondering if she (the one with the power at the moment) will decide to come back and in that time she will be keep a big rod pressed firmly against your chest to stop you coming any closer, she will not find you attractive and you will be friendzoned so frickkin hard she'll put you in the FZ cell and throw the key away. I'm on nearly 4 weeks NC after on and off talking, it didn't work I wasn't healing, she was basically throwing crumbs at me then pulling away all the time, that's when I went NC. I need to heal, to get on, and yes it is tough but you will be rewarded with a much more positive mental attitude, and you will realise where things went wrong and learn not to do that agin for any future RL, whether it's "her" or not. Also realise that if you are in NC, they might just text saying things like "how are you etc", most people suggest either not contacting back because they are trying to keep you in FZ, or just looking for closure, or contacting but being aloof, just saying "yeah fine, thanks". Seen a lot of posts on here where the person has fell right into the back to FZ trap and it set them back literally months. Either they contact you wanting to talk about you and her, then you might be willing to talk, or they just throw crumbs and you ignore it. 2011
Author thegreatmistake Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks for the advice 2011 I've read a lot on both sides of the friendzone debate saying either it's a deathtrap or that it's a way to show how I've grown and changed if I'm trying for another chance. Any opinion either way?
ladii Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) It's best to remain NC...NC does the opposite to your smothering...it is proof that you are no longer smothering...that you have strength !!! Staying in contact only proves to your ex that you are needy and can't live without her around... Do the opposite to gain respect...and show through your *actions* from silence that you are strong and not needy !! I too became a bit smothering at the end...and ex said I needed to give him space to sort myself out...and come back in a month...however I am not coming back in a month as he said...I delay longer on my own terms not his !! Also don't go the friends route...it will keep you there...my ex too wanted friends I said no... You are rare to have...friends is nothing special...be the rare person...if she wants you in her life...friends is not an option... You are worthy of more then just friends... To me exes saying to be friends...is an insult !!! downgrade us to friends after romance ...not happening...they want you in their life...put me back to special not standard lower friendship... Rare to have...remember that !! Edited February 15, 2011 by ladii
Author thegreatmistake Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks- that's how I feel at the moment too. I'm willing to take time, improve myself, and handle the issues that she had with the relationship, but I don't want to just be friends, and I don't want to settle for it and regret it later
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Time and hard work are the keys here. Fix all of the problems you have noticed. If she really is special she will come back, you've already shown her you are changing by not smothering her anymore. Keep working on yourself and fix it, when she comes back you won't need to say anything, she will know you have changed if you're successful. Actions speak much louder than words -Gator
Author thegreatmistake Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks gator- and to any guys reading this, the working out isn't optional. it's mandatory. the testosterone release that comes along with working out is one of the greatest stress relief options available for males. It's done wonders for me in the short time i've been exercising
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