New Guy, How can I love him?

[SunsetRed]

I recently met a new man (single, available, likes me) and we have been spending time together. My initial reaction to his interest in me was to get extremely defensive and cut him off, but I'm trying to learn and grow so I encouraged myself to give him a chance, to take baby steps with this new adventure and to take one day at a time.

 

So..he's very nice to me and puts effort into doing things to make me happy. He was great to me on Valentines. He took me out and prepared a special gift bag with tons of goodies that really fitted me. By contrast, last year when I was with MM, he apologized for not sending me flowers, but said he couldn't have a paper trail of gifts for another woman, as until his divorce was final the military was still paying him to be married.

 

So, this guy trying so hard to please me. BUT...for some reason I am having a hard time falling for him. He has a few personality quirks that I can't seem to overlook. I know in my heart that at some point I may end it with him so I'm trying not to get too close but at the same time I am trying to push myself to be open and vulnerable to a guy who actually wants me. Of course, I don't want to hurt him either.

 

How much do I need to push myself here? I really want to be able to love a single, available man.

 

I'm 42 and I have no clue how to date or be in a relationship in a healthy way. Its almost like the relationship part of my brain never developed properly and I think I have some kind of developmental delay.

[TigerCub]

Hey Sunset,

 

Well you can't force a connection with someone.

But..this guy seems like a nice guy that wants to treat you well and do things to please you.

 

As for the quirks that bug you - on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad are they?

Everyone has quirks. I think that its very likely that this guy's little quirks annoy you more than they probably should, because you're still hung up on xmm (and that's understandable).

 

I say give him a chance, get to know him better - you guys might have very similar interests and end up really enjoying each other's company.

 

If the chemistry/connection isn't there - then after a few 'get to know him better' dates, cut the guy loose, cuz it would be cruel to lead him on (and I know you don't want to hurt him).

 

Good luck.

btw - good for you for comparing how xMM handled V-day last year and how this guy did it up right for you.

[Brokenlady]

Sunset,

The fact that you do not have a ridiculously intense immediate connection with him is a good thing. The electricity we sometimes feel towards someone new is actually often a bad sign - we feel like we know someone, that we've known them for all our lives even though it's been a few weeks. That feeling is borne out of the fact that we HAVE known them all our lives, just in a different form - often a parent or past boyfriend that let us down in some way. Relationships with MM's often have this same intensity, which is a symptom of them being so unhealthy. My xDM reminded me of my father - that should have been my 2nd red flag right there (1st being that he was married).

 

Give it time. Know that what you're feeling is normal, but it may seem weird because it's unusual for you to have a healthy relationship. See where it goes.

[TigerCub]

Sunset,

The fact that you do not have a ridiculously intense immediate connection with him is a good thing. The electricity we sometimes feel towards someone new is actually often a bad sign - we feel like we know someone, that we've known them for all our lives even though it's been a few weeks. That feeling is borne out of the fact that we HAVE known them all our lives, just in a different form - often a parent or past boyfriend that let us down in some way. Relationships with MM's often have this same intensity, which is a symptom of them being so unhealthy. My xDM reminded me of my father - that should have been my 2nd red flag right there (1st being that he was married).

 

Wow! I have never heard that part in bold before.

That is so interesting - I find it really insightful

[East7]

After an A which inevitably ends with a heartache, no one is totally emotionally available. That's why you find imperfections. I have experienced this myself, no woman was worth in my eyes as my xMW, even if objectively she had nothing to go crazy about.

I bet xMM had plenty of imperfections too but you had fallen head over heels for him so you indulged all his flaws.

On the other side, the A affect the self-esteem and you might subconsciously feel that you don't deserve all the attention the new guy is giving you.

 

If there was some attraction to begin with, I suggest to keep it light and funny. If he is a decent guy you may miss out someone who's relationship material.

Edited February 15, 2011 by East7

[BB07]

My xDM reminded me of my father - that should have been my 2nd red flag right there (1st being that he was married).

 

Give it time. Know that what you're feeling is normal, but it may seem weird because it's unusual for you to have a healthy relationship. See where it goes.

 

The above is good advice!

 

Re: Attraction.........when I look back on xmm and I, the overwhelming attraction we felt to each other I used to think that I could never understand, but now I suspect that it might have had a lot to do with an unconscious pull toward the brokenness in both of us. They say we look to fix what is broken inside of us from childhood but the kicker is that the person we try to fix it with will most likely be the one who hurts us even more because of their own issues.

[desertIslandCactus]

Hi SR,

 

And to add to the others .. I agree attraction is so important. But to stress to keep a communicative Friendship with him.

 

Many times we aren't ready for another relationship .. but it may happen at another time.

[Ellin]

If there is no attraction, then there is no attraction. But if you can overlook the personality flaw of a man who is married what could be so bad that you can't overlook (other than abuse of any kind).

So in other words, just because she was in a R with a MM at some point in her life, anything is now good enough for her, apart from abuse?

[whichwayisup]

So, this guy trying so hard to please me. BUT...for some reason I am having a hard time falling for him. He has a few personality quirks that I can't seem to overlook.

 

Like what kind of personality quirks does he have?

 

Don't put pressure on yourself. It is what it is and he's just a guy you met and are dating, getting to know. Enjoy it for what it is, no expectations.

[Ellin]

No. What you insinuated was a statement. BNB asked a question.

Technical details of the form of the sentence are not relevant, the bottom line was the same.

[Ellin]

I will take the risk of being flagged by saying this, but how is this helping the original poster? You have a problem Bent's reply (PM her about it) and didn't even offer the original poster any advice.

 

Sorry that I'm using you as an example Ellin, its' just that if we all want the bickering to stop and for this place to be better, focussing on the person posting the thread is more helpful than picking apart someone else's response.

 

And yes, my post was indirectly addressed to the OP, by giving her the message that she does deserve a man who is up to her expectations.

 

Other than that, everything that I could add had already been said by others, so no point repeating it again, and wouldn't be very helpful.

[bentnotbroken]

So in other words, just because she was in a R with a MM at some point in her life, anything is now good enough for her, apart from abuse?

 

 

I don't know? Where did you get that idea?

[whichwayisup]

If you want this place to be better, why don't you say something to those who can only focus on the OP by writing negative, sarcastic, unhelpful, hit-and-run little posts?

 

I have no response to this. Sorry Ellin. You're trying to bait me and I'm not going to play into it. I'd rather now focus on the OP...

 

Sorry for the t/j.

[SunsetRed]

Thanks so much to everyone who has responded to my thread. I so appreciate the insight I've been given.

 

My main concern is for the New Guy because I don't want to hurt him in any way. I don't want to unnecessarily block myself from him but at the same time, I don't want to lead him on because he really is a great person with good intentions.

 

It's true, I did overlook the fact that my xMM wasn't really intent on getting divorced. I overlooked a lot of other utterly revolting and disgusting things about him as well, simply because for some reason, my heart developed a connection with him.

 

It's also true that a true connection takes time to build and that chemistry can be based on something faulty within ourselves and the othet person. My thing is that I don't want to use this New Guy for my chemistry/vulnerability experiment.

 

His flaw is that he has extreme attention deficit disorder and it's difficult for us to simply hang out and be together. When we go out to dinner or are in a group, he's funny although he sometimes borders on being obnoxious. He also seems to not know what's appropriate or not appropriate to say in social settings. When we try and hang out, he's kind of all over the place and we can't even simply sit and watch a movie, let alone talk about the deeper stuff people who are working on a relationship talk about. He's 46, so he probably won't change.

 

He has the best of intentions towards me, unlike MM did. He put so much effort into making Valentines special and he's planning a romantic dinner this weekend and then something else for my birthday next week.

 

I should feel somewhat sexual towards someone who puts effort into me, but I can't feel it for this guy. The wounded part of me says I should sleep with him because he's being nice to me. I've spent most of my life sleeping with a-holes, why not sleep with a nice guy...but I'm not feeling it. Something is stopping me from going through with the sex thing.

 

I think this weekend I'm going to tell him that I have blocked intimacy issues and that it will be hard for me to take our relationship further than having good company and fun dates. I don't want him to feel like I'm stringing him along for anything. I wish I were wiser and had all the answers.

 

Thanks to all of you for helping me find some answers.

[whichwayisup]

My main concern is for the New Guy because I don't want to hurt him in any way. I don't want to unnecessarily block myself from him but at the same time, I don't want to lead him on because he really is a great person with good intentions.

 

Just be honest with him. Take it really slow.. (Will reply more near bottom about this, but don't have sex with him.)

 

It's true, I did overlook the fact that my xMM wasn't really intent on getting divorced. I overlooked a lot of other utterly revolting and disgusting things about him as well, simply because for some reason, my heart developed a connection with him.

 

It's good you see this. I'm sure in the long run even if he had divorced, because of those not good qualities, it wouldn't have worked out, once the honeymoon phase ended.

 

It's also true that a true connection takes time to build and that chemistry can be based on something faulty within ourselves and the othet person. My thing is that I don't want to use this New Guy for my chemistry/vulnerability experiment.

 

Keep things simple. And be honest and upfront with your intentions.

 

His flaw is that he has extreme attention deficit disorder and it's difficult for us to simply hang out and be together. When we go out to dinner or are in a group, he's funny although he sometimes borders on being obnoxious. He also seems to not know what's appropriate or not appropriate to say in social settings. When we try and hang out, he's kind of all over the place and we can't even simply sit and watch a movie, let alone talk about the deeper stuff people who are working on a relationship talk about. He's 46, so he probably won't change.

 

I take it he's not on meds for his ADD? Chances are, he won't change. I worked with someone who had that extreme ADD, same display in public around other people, it's not easy to take at times.

 

He has the best of intentions towards me, unlike MM did. He put so much effort into making Valentines special and he's planning a romantic dinner this weekend and then something else for my birthday next week.

He seems like a sweet guy, but .. Keep things simple and go slow.

 

I should feel somewhat sexual towards someone who puts effort into me, but I can't feel it for this guy. The wounded part of me says I should sleep with him because he's being nice to me. I've spent most of my life sleeping with a-holes, why not sleep with a nice guy...but I'm not feeling it. Something is stopping me from going through with the sex thing.

 

two things, you aren't ready yet to be so involved and have that type of intimacy and so make sure he knows this so his expectations aren't there. All that planning and romance, he could be hoping for more..

 

It's best for you not to sleep with anybody until you are ready on every level, emotionally, physically and mentally. Don't ever have sex because you feel you *should*. By doing that, later at some point you're going to feel bad inside.

 

I think this weekend I'm going to tell him that I have blocked intimacy issues and that it will be hard for me to take our relationship further than having good company and fun dates. I don't want him to feel like I'm stringing him along for anything. I wish I were wiser and had all the answers.

Great idea to talk to him about this. For all you know, he may just turn into a really great buddy (that is, as long as he hasn't fallen inlove with you! Is that a possibility?) and some to pal around with and have fun with.

 

Thanks to all of you for helping me find some answers.

 

You're welcome.

[SunsetRed]

Thank you SadinTexas. That's exactly what I was trying to "force" myself to do. I was trying to prove that I could get past my commitment phobe walls and be with someone. I was ready to lower my standards and be with this guy just because he does meet some of my needs. It's as if I'm grateful to receive any positive attention from a man.

 

After a while (ok, rt now) the A.D.D. thing will drive me nuts. It also bothers me that he says inappropriate things in social settings. I know he can't help it and has no bad intention, but it's just him and he can't help it.

 

Well, I'm going to enjoy his company this weekend and I will kindly let him know that I'm not open to more than spending time together as friends.

 

I wish my xMM had cut me loose instead of leading me on. The last thing my xMM said before he went back to the wife was "Some women have been the rt woman for the rt time, but you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." 3 days later, he's back with the wife...

 

I will never lead someone on like that.

[lilbunny]

Hi SunsetRed, I can relate to some of what you are experiencing at the moment.

 

I recently met a new man (single, available, likes me) and we have been spending time together. My initial reaction to his interest in me was to get extremely defensive and cut him off, but I'm trying to learn and grow so I encouraged myself to give him a chance, to take baby steps with this new adventure and to take one day at a time.

 

So..he's very nice to me and puts effort into doing things to make me happy. He was great to me on Valentines. He took me out and prepared a special gift bag with tons of goodies that really fitted me. By contrast, last year when I was with MM, he apologized for not sending me flowers, but said he couldn't have a paper trail of gifts for another woman, as until his divorce was final the military was still paying him to be married.

 

So, this guy trying so hard to please me. BUT...for some reason I am having a hard time falling for him. He has a few personality quirks that I can't seem to overlook. I know in my heart that at some point I may end it with him so I'm trying not to get too close but at the same time I am trying to push myself to be open and vulnerable to a guy who actually wants me. Of course, I don't want to hurt him either.

 

How much do I need to push myself here? I really want to be able to love a single, available man.

 

I'm 42 and I have no clue how to date or be in a relationship in a healthy way. Its almost like the relationship part of my brain never developed properly and I think I have some kind of developmental delay.

 

I think it takes time to build up trust and I am just letting things take their course. My new man, much like yours is keen to please, always at the end of the phone etc and I felt like I needed my space and went through a lot of similar emotions. I gave myself a good stern talk and everytime I felt like throwing in the towel for no good reason I imagined xMM going home to his wife from my bed. It did the trick and made me realise that I needed to get on with life.

 

That said I do like my new guy. I enjoy his company, share interests, sense of humour etc and I can see some potential in the relationship. I suppose I'd say be honest with yourself, can you see it ever going anywhere in the future? That doesn't mean it will or has to happen, but it gives you an idea if you can give it a chance.

 

I also initially saw things that irked me, but I think it was more a case of the new guy just not being exMM and I have seen past that.

 

Chin up though hun, even if this one doesn't turn out to be the right one, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or him for that matter. Just because xmm has someone, doesn't mean you have to grab the first one that comes along.

[SunsetRed]

Well, one thing my experience with New Guy has been good for is that it has made me against the idea of taking xMM back, should he come back.

 

MM always made me feel cheap and New Guy makes me feel like he's proud to be with me.

 

I'm going to continue to spend time with NG, but take it slow. Does dating someone mean you have to sleep with them and have them in your space, spending the night, or can it simply be doing fun things together and getting to know one another? I guess dating can have both meanings, but for now, I'm going with the "doing fun things" definition. I've communicated this to NG so that he doesn't feel like I'm being a tease if I don't have sex with him.

 

I keep telling myself that dating doesn't have to be so black and white..as in ignoring men completely or having wild sex. There can be some grey, so I'm going for the grey.

 

I'm paying attention to how my body feels as well. I used to have a therapist who would ask me where I felt a certain emotion in my body.

When I'm with NG, my body feels like closing off. In fact, my mouth can't even open to fully kiss him and I naturally shrink back from his touches.

I'm going to pay attention to that. It doesn't mean he's gross, it just means that maybe we aren't meant to have sex with each other. Still..some movies and conversation can't hurt.

 

Also, I've been sweet and nice to him as well and have shown him lots of verbal appreciation for the effort he's put into me.

[Pink_orchid]

Hi Sunset I've found your situation interesting as I am feeling in a similar place.

 

I joined up here last March after my MM dropped me, I was a wreck at the prospect that it was definitely over. It had me in tears daily for weeks, and on anti-depressants and seeing a counsellor.

 

I then met another guy in July. That's not worked out either sadly, partly my fault and partly his. I was still churned up about the married guy, still am... New Guy, he'd got issues with his ex too and was still enmeshed really (not married though!). But what I wanted to say to you, I always wanted to be physically close to the second guy (apart from liking him as well). I loved it when we kissed, cuddled, had sex, and quite honestly I felt little butterflies inside whenever he arrived at the door or even when he smiled at me! What worries me is that you DON'T feel like that with this new guy of yours and I think if you are ever going to, you would have felt it by now. I know you hear of people that say oh the first few weeks/months of knowing him, I wasn't into him, and now I am. It's never happened to me though, going from being physically turned off to turned on.

 

I now have another guy texting me, who a mutual friend passed my number to (with my permission), he's seen me on her Facebook friends and asked about me. She's put us in touch. The thing is he's texting me all the time and it's freaking me out as I don't really think there's any attraction there on my part. But I'm told he's nice, single, good laugh etc, and I am thinking I should force myself to go along with it. But my heart's not in it. And whereas with the last two, it was. I don't think you should see this other guy again! Not in a dating capacity anyway! You don't fancy him! Give yourself a break. Plenty more fish in the sea...

[SunsetRed]

OMG Pink Orchid, I SO needed to hear that tonight. I am back from what is probably my final date with New Guy.

 

We had planned a matinee and then dinner at his place. I know he was thinking tonight would be the night I stayed over but I just couldn't do it.

The setting was nice and he's not unpleasant, BUT I just can't be with him in a romantic way. .

 

I can't do more than peck him on the lips. Tonight he tried for a more intimate kiss which he wanted to lead into more, but my lips won't open.

His tongue feels gross inside my mouth, so I know that something else inside me would feel gross too.

 

He could feel me pulling away and he doesn't want to be with an unresponsive woman, so the date ended akwardly. He expressed some self pity as in "I can tell you don't like me, and I feel like you are sick of me."

 

I told him the old "its not you, its me" crap, but it really is him. Its not about xMM either, its about the absence of those tingly butterflies that I want to feel. I've dated him a month now, so if I was gonna feel it, I'd have felt it.

 

Thanks for your post Pink Orchid. Coming back from a bad date sucks and your post encouraged me.

[Pink_orchid]

That's your best bet I think Sunset, to call a halt, it's probably for the best for you both as it is actually stressing you out now (and he's probably only going to be disappointed if you keep rejecting him).

 

You (general you) should be excited to keep seeing a new guy and kiss him, and things progess to a more intimate level quite naturally. I always think the point you know when to have sex/make love is when it feels wrong NOT to, and by this point, after quite a few dates with this guy, you have tried to make a go of it (and well done for that), and it's just not there is it. It just feels WRONG!

 

I've been there! I went on a couple of dates last year with guys I met from an online dating agency. Neither was for me. One tried to hug and kiss me at the end of the date and I have to say I just wanted to get away! The same feeling of 'thanks but no thanks' unfortunately is the way I feel about this latest guy who's a friend of my friend who's got my number... he keeps texting but I've seen his photos, and no, it's not there for me. He's not my type at all. Whereas... man who I met in July... I couldn't wait for him to kiss me! And MM... well, I confess, we were in bed within a few hours of meeting, met him probably about 3:00pm at a hotel, we were both there for an event, after the event we were in his room, talking, kissing, before long in bed... it was that passionate that quickly! And that's not something I ever do... jump into bed with someone I'd only met that afternoon, and worse, someone married... but it felt so natural. It's not something you can plan is it, or make happen; attraction, it's just 'there' or it isn't I think.

 

What are you going to do Sunset have you thought how to let him down gently?! I don't know what to do about this friend of a friend who keeps sending messages and asking to phone me as I don't want to offend him but I don't want to lead him on either, or sound too big for my boots for that matter. I did give my friend permission to pass on my number but his messages and photos do not interest me.

[SunsetRed]

Pink Orchid, thanks again for your support. I plan to simply tell New Guy that I am not over my recent break up and that I am not ready to be hugged on and kissed on.

 

One turn off about New Guy is that he is kind of creepy and every 30 seconds he has to smooch me on the lips or give me a bear hug. He'll even say it outloud "kiss time" or ""big hug!" He's gross and nothing with him feels natural. He must not be aware of how creepy he can be because at the same time, he displays generous dating etiquette and insists on paying for everything and bought me Valentines presents.

 

Still, if my mouth won't open to kiss him, even when I try to make it open and if I cringe when he touches me, its time to move on.

 

Its not about MM anymore. If I meet a man that makes me tingle then I'm not letting xMM hold me back.

 

I remember the guys I did want to sleep with. With MM I knew 20 minutes into the conversation that I wanted him. I love that feeling when you're dying to jump their bones but at the same time you're trying to hold back so you don't ruin it by having too soon sex. I love the adrenaline build up of wanting and waiting. You are right, you should want to sleep with the guy who are dating. If after a months worth of dates you don't want him, then he's not for you.