Sharon1961 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 There's a guy I know. He lives in my neighborhood and we have worked together from time to time. I am single and he is married. We have a very easy rapport and I have thought nothing of chatting with him. I enjoy talking to people in general and like him. For me, this is all fine and dandy. I'm single. And I think there can be some level of attractive and enjoyment of other people without jumping into anything illicit. We talk a blue streak together and are supportive of one another. Like any nice friendship. But recently (like in the last week) I've noticed he seems more attached to me and friendly phone chat has grown more intimate with more talk about our lives, hopes, etc. The closeness has grown but there has not been any sexual talk. I've been trying to figure out what this means. One of the things I have liked so much about him is his decency, his considerate nature and honesty. But according to everything I've read on this site he is engaging me in an emotional affair or is trying to get closer for extra-marital reasons. Could I have been wrong about him? Is he really a lying, cheating scumbag? Is he just getting carried away with some emotions due to some void he's feeling? Whatever the reason, I won't be a part of any sort of destruction of his family. If I go NC now do you think he'll go away? Do I owe him some sort of explanation or would that just open the door to more intimate talk? Thanks.
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Well, are there any discussions which would make his spouse uncomfortable if they went on in front of her? Have you met his spouse? Simple guidelines. If he's looking for a therapist to talk about 'intimate' stuff with, recommend a licensed professional. I know, since I've started doing this with MW's, I feel a whole lot better. Keeps them out of an EA, with me anyway. What they do otherwise I don't care.
Author Sharon1961 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Hi Carhill, I've talked to his wife on the phone. Mostly about relaying work-related information. She seems very nice. I have read your guideline about only discussing things you would feel comfortable with in front of the spouse and I'm not sure I agree unilaterally with that. I have very private conversations with married friends I wouldn't want the spouse privy to. That said, I think the private conversations with friends have all been about subject matter the spouse would have been okay with. This guy and I have probably started crossing that line. I'm editing here just to say it really can all happen quickly. Hence, the nipping.
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I'm using the guidelines our psychologist established for 'inappropriate emotional attachments and interactions' for cross- and same-gender dynamics, as work product in MC. Infidelity can be one product of the de-prioritization of the M. Disrespect of one's spouse is another product. As I mentioned, since MC, I've had the beginnings of such 'discussions' with MW's and I now see the boundary clearly, especially where I know their H's. When I look their H in the eye, man to man, with knowledge of his private marital business, I see the boundary which is crossed, and it's IMO unhealthy. My own actions, not dissimilar from what you're experiencing now, destroyed what good was in my own M. 'I understand you have these things you want to share. If you find it difficult to share them with your wife, I recommend marriage counseling with a neutral third party. I know your wife and I don't wish to engage in such discussions. I hope you understand.' This, as chronicled in another post, is exactly what I told my best friend's daughter when she approached me inappropriately (sexually) while she and her H were having 'problems'. Still, enough was shared, very personal and private things, that now I have to look her husband in the eye and give him the hug I always have, knowing those things. That bugs me. YMMV
woinlove Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree with Carhill. It is all a matter of whether there is anything in his interactions for him to hide from his wife or not. I have married male friends where we have quite intimate conversations, but we also have the same intimate conversations in front of our spouses. I know that their wives understand the nature of our friendships and are happy with it. With time, I think the difference between a close, platonic friendship and an emotional affair is clear, as the former does not involve any distracting attachment and/or fantasy which affects one's marriage. However, in the initial stages, it might not be so obvious which one of these is developing, and so I applaud you for being concerned about this. My own close, platonic friendships developed over quite a long period of time and I wonder if just having things move quick enough that you are concerned about this isn't a red flag on its own.
Author Sharon1961 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks Carhill and woinlove, Both great responses and I appreciate your thoughtfulness and insights. Woinlove, you hit on something really interesting. The quickness of the closeness. It was like a switch was flipped and there it was. One minute I was toodling along thinking we were pals and the next there are emotions involved. It can take a long time to really get to know someone. And even if he were single I would think it is too quick. The other day he got depressed because he thought I had blown him off. That made me think he's becoming invested. And then during a phone conversation a call beeped in and he did not take it. He mentioned later it was from his wife. This made me think he is de-prioritizing. Haha the things I learn on this forum! What I realize about the conversations as I think about it is they have gone from being friend-like to being dating-like. The way you get to know someone you're dating. Carhill, I think I see what you're saying. I think in this type of situation people are trying to work out marital issues with a third party. But instead of that third party being a therapist it is an individual's emotions they are trying to somehow tap.
Heather1 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Trust your gut.... I always did before my PA & I guess I just figured nothing ever happened so maybe I was overreacting in the past. Nope, sure enough I was walking right into it! You don't really owe him an explanation. I've had conversations & txts w/ men (because of my job) where it just drops off & they don't txt me back. I understand, not offended by it, they just get scared about contact & it's fine. Vice versa, when someone's interested I run for the hills! xOM caught me at a really hard time in my life! If you get to a point where he needs an explanation just let him know as subtle as you can. This stuff happens all the time, and yeah, it'll get out of control if you don't nip it now. Oh...& guys don't see the train wreck a comin, so it's totally up to you! I don't get this phenom, but when I tried to nip things w xOM he insisted up down & sideways that I was blowing things out of proportion. Nope.
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