lovelylove Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 GAH!!! For those of you who read my other threads re my boyfriend- I called him on his behavior and attitude, read him the riot act... and surprisingly he apologized sincerely, said I was right, and started doing things to make it up to me. Things were going GREAT... until this week, again.... For those of you who don't know, we've been together a year. We're both mid forties, divorced, professed our love and commitment and I actually proposed but he said he never wants to get married again and I accepted that... Well I have a huge place and my adult daughter is about to move out, and he's looking for a place. I offered and he accepted (even got really excited about it) to move in, there's lots of space and even a separate entrance... this was supposed to happen next month. Today was a horrible Valentine's Day- I got him a card, breakfast (oatmeal, strawberries, chocolate, coffee- to take to work), a few gift cards to places he likes to shop, and made a personalized card with pictures of us together and a long note about how much I loved him, that I hoped we'd spend many more years together etc. He got me a white stuffed bear and a card that said "HI!" on the outside, and "Happy Valentine's Day!" on the inside. His note said "even though I don't believe in Valentine's day, I couldn't let this day go by without telling you how much I love you". We exchanged the gifts at the same time (actually change of shift at work, then I went home to sleep). When I woke up (late in the evening because I have a head cold) I called him and we began chit-chatting. He didn't thank me for the gifts, or mention anything about maybe going out, in fact he said HE'D GONE TO LOOK AT AN APT this evening but it was too small. ????? I tried not to react, I just said " what happened to moving in with me?" and he replied "I never said I WOULDN'T move in with you..." and "I'm always looking around..." OMG I felt just like when he said he didn't want to marry me- sort of like he is comfortable with me but "looking around" if you catch my drift. GAH. My question is, why am I so afraid to be alone, that I will stay in this kind of relationship and keep giving and giving just so I will have someone to hug, someone to talk to (he IS a good listener, knows me VERY well and my family and history and usually gives me a soothing answer to my problem)- and really I WISH he would commit to me, but the sad truth is he just doesn't love me the way I love him. He says that's not true, says "you have me, I'm yours, for as long as you want", but actions speak louder than words. I married at 19, divorced at 39, and have had three boyfriends since then- with only a month or two between them, because I am just so afraid of being single, and I really feel like I NEED a partner to be happy in life. I'm an only child, my kids are grown, moved around a lot so have few close friends (or they are married and busy with their own families)... I have a cat and a dog lol, but I really feel I am missing out on the kind of commitment I need, and this guy is obviously SHOUTING but I refuse to HEAR what he doesn't want and that's ME. So I may not be alone, but I am so unhappy, and feel really pathetic. I make a good living, am honest, generous, sexy, helpful... but I keep choosing guys who have super low self-esteem, very low paying jobs, no savings, depression... Do I need to break up with him? How do I do that nicely? Just the thought of it turns my stomach. I know lots of happy single people, but I am soooooo afraid, almost like some big monster will attack me if I'm without a boyfriend, seriously. I start IC next month, hopefully I can get to the bottom of my craziness. Happy Valentine's Day!!! xoxoxoxo
GivenUp0083 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 GAH!!! For those of you who read my other threads re my boyfriend- I called him on his behavior and attitude, read him the riot act... and surprisingly he apologized sincerely, said I was right, and started doing things to make it up to me. Things were going GREAT... until this week, again.... For those of you who don't know, we've been together a year. We're both mid forties, divorced, professed our love and commitment and I actually proposed but he said he never wants to get married again and I accepted that... Well I have a huge place and my adult daughter is about to move out, and he's looking for a place. I offered and he accepted (even got really excited about it) to move in, there's lots of space and even a separate entrance... this was supposed to happen next month. Today was a horrible Valentine's Day- I got him a card, breakfast (oatmeal, strawberries, chocolate, coffee- to take to work), a few gift cards to places he likes to shop, and made a personalized card with pictures of us together and a long note about how much I loved him, that I hoped we'd spend many more years together etc. He got me a white stuffed bear and a card that said "HI!" on the outside, and "Happy Valentine's Day!" on the inside. His note said "even though I don't believe in Valentine's day, I couldn't let this day go by without telling you how much I love you". We exchanged the gifts at the same time (actually change of shift at work, then I went home to sleep). When I woke up (late in the evening because I have a head cold) I called him and we began chit-chatting. He didn't thank me for the gifts, or mention anything about maybe going out, in fact he said HE'D GONE TO LOOK AT AN APT this evening but it was too small. ????? I tried not to react, I just said " what happened to moving in with me?" and he replied "I never said I WOULDN'T move in with you..." and "I'm always looking around..." OMG I felt just like when he said he didn't want to marry me- sort of like he is comfortable with me but "looking around" if you catch my drift. GAH. My question is, why am I so afraid to be alone, that I will stay in this kind of relationship and keep giving and giving just so I will have someone to hug, someone to talk to (he IS a good listener, knows me VERY well and my family and history and usually gives me a soothing answer to my problem)- and really I WISH he would commit to me, but the sad truth is he just doesn't love me the way I love him. He says that's not true, says "you have me, I'm yours, for as long as you want", but actions speak louder than words. I married at 19, divorced at 39, and have had three boyfriends since then- with only a month or two between them, because I am just so afraid of being single, and I really feel like I NEED a partner to be happy in life. I'm an only child, my kids are grown, moved around a lot so have few close friends (or they are married and busy with their own families)... I have a cat and a dog lol, but I really feel I am missing out on the kind of commitment I need, and this guy is obviously SHOUTING but I refuse to HEAR what he doesn't want and that's ME. So I may not be alone, but I am so unhappy, and feel really pathetic. I make a good living, am honest, generous, sexy, helpful... but I keep choosing guys who have super low self-esteem, very low paying jobs, no savings, depression... Do I need to break up with him? How do I do that nicely? Just the thought of it turns my stomach. I know lots of happy single people, but I am soooooo afraid, almost like some big monster will attack me if I'm without a boyfriend, seriously. I start IC next month, hopefully I can get to the bottom of my craziness. Happy Valentine's Day!!! xoxoxoxo I don't know if this is a generational thing or what, but I'm 27 and I lived thru my parents divorce when I was 22. Getting married at a young age you haven't been able to develop the security of being single or independent. You should probably see a therapist because what this guy is doing is very common among divorced men his age: they are happy spending time with someone but don't want to go through marriage again. You just need to realize that being single isn't the end of the world, and being married doesn't solve all your problems.
Lilmisus Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Yes, I think you should break up with this guy. You said so yourself that he obviously doesn't love you the way you love him, do you really think that he's worth your time if that's true? Honestly, no, he's NOT worth your time, or your effort. He's not looking to make a real commitment here, and I know it hurts, but you need to move on. He's at a stage in his life where he seems to really want to enjoy his single life again and I think he needs his time alone just as badly as you do (though I think you need it more than him). With your proposing marriage, inviting him to move in with you, confessing your love in multiple way, it's only going to keep pushing him and pushing him out the door, which is actually where it seems like he needs to be going. Ask yourself this: Would you rather be happy or miserable? Silly question right? Most people will choose happy, yet you're choosing to be miserable and that's hurting you in more ways than I think you understand. Do yourself a favor and choose to be happy, even if it means being single. I agree with the person above me and I think you should seek therapy for this maybe. But more than anything, spend some time on your own. Maybe go take a low-key vacation somewhere and remind yourself of your worth. You mentioned all these amazing things about you in your post, and you need to be able to look in the mirror and say those things every day and say "I love you, and I want you to be happy, no matter what." It's said that if you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to, and that's very true. You're not showing your self-love here, and because of that it seems like, this guy isn't showing his love for you either. If you love yourself, you will do what is right and kick this guy to the curb and find one who not only expresses his love for you in more ways than you do for him, but will be the one proposing and be the one suggesting moving in together. If you're single for the rest of your life (which I highly doubt, forty isn't that old, imagine if you live to be 100, that's almost 60 years to find your soul mate) then at least you have a higher chance of being happy than you do now. You will be okay without a man, and don't have another for at least a few months (not at the longest, at the least) and reassess what you need and what you are looking for in a man. You deserve absolutely nothing but the best, and I hope that you realize that sooner than later.
Author lovelylove Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Wow GivenUp- that was so well written and helpful- what you said feels like someone just sprayed detangler on my confused and upset brain - thank you for that- wise advice .
Author lovelylove Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Lilmisus I needed to hear that, you're absolutely right on all counts. I have been choosing miserable! Thank you for pointing that out! I have always put myself last, after the kids, the husband, parents, my patients, even friends- and feel like a bad person unless I'm sacrificing something- including my own happiness- for others. Then I get hurt and feel worse, aack. I've had a few people tell me that I look sad. That's sad. Thanks for the pep talk xoxox!
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