like1ofdeguys Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Hello everyone who's reading, and thank you for doing so in advance! i'm venting a bit. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months? and 2 of those has been me being away; and away means me being in Japan and him back in the U.S. We are both in the military. Meet in school and one thing led to another and now we are in this long distance relationship because i chose to travel here. Needless to say this is not easy. We are so different. I love talking (maybe too much? lol) and he's fine with skyping once a week and a few phone calls here and there (cuz im the one that makes them) I have already told him, i need to talk with him more often. I mean if we dont talk i really feel like we are not in a relationship, i feel disconnected. There are things about him that bother me but i'm more than willing to work with them. Like his drinking (he doesnt see a problem with it, i def think it's a problem) since he drinks enough for him to forget things that he did when he was drunk... I dont drink whatsoever and this will probably be a problem once we are physically together. I'm not sayin he has to completely stop drinking but oh he def needs to bringing way down. also he was in a car accident, he's fine thank god but i had to find out through FB (ugh FB!) because he didnt even called. I let him know that was really unacceptable. I want to be with him (want this to work out), we will see each other in a year or before that, i'm accumulating days so i can go on leave (vacation).... but i'm not completely sure he's in love with me. He cares for me but i dont know. Sometimes i wonder all together if we are attemting the impossible here. i need advice how to get things on the right track? i dont feel like we are working towards the same goal... again thanks for reading.
folieadeux Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Nothing is impossible, but both people have to want to make this work. It really sounds like you both are on completely different pages with respect to how you live your lives. All of these issues sound like they would have been a problem regardless of the distance. How did the pair of you get along when you were physically together?
Author like1ofdeguys Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Thank you for anwering Together, it's great. We have fun, enjoy each others company. We don't argue much. I feel good when i'm him/ when i talk to him. I wouldnt be trying this long distance relationship otherwise :/ But at the same time i got to be realistic. Gotta resolve this issues before we find ourselves wasting our time right? I should have added this is my first relationship as in ever so sometimes i feel like i'm way over my head here.
folieadeux Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 LDRs are never easy, whether it's your first relationship or 15th. I would definitely talk to him about it and see if things can be sorted out. If not, I'm afraid you'd have the same issues whether you were physically separated or not.
creighton0123 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 1. You can have Skype sessions without talking. I'm in a similar boat. I'm the US and boyfriend's in Japan. Sometimes you can really just leave the video open without saying anything - cook dinner, make breakfast, clean your apartment, watch a movie, read up on the news. You wouldn't talk every moment you're together in person... why talk every single moment when you're apart? 2. Make a point to talk about how both of you are doing outside of the relationship and how things are going inside the relationship - perhaps one talk every two weeks. Questions like "are you still committed to this?", "how are you doing with the distance?", "are you experiencing any emotions that you want to talk about?" (fear, anxiety, depression, insecurity, jealousy, doubt), "are you still happy to be in this relationship?", "is there anything that I should be doing to make things better/easier for you?" Sometimes, you might not like the answer, but it is better than not knowing the answers. 3. The drinking. How old are both of you? Also, how often does he drink to the point where he blacks out/forgets events? 4. Agree on communication. I can't stress this enough. If you require more and he requires less and you don't meet in the middle, it is not going to work. If there's an understanding that you will always engage conversation via Skype/video chat, at least you have that understanding out there. And don't forget that communication is communication. You can make a youTube video, have voice/video chat over Skype, IM, email, snail mail. Skype is awesome in that you can send a number of random messages throughout the day when he's offline for him to receive when he signs on. 5. Find a way to put yourself in the state of mind where you distinguish between needing to talk to him and wanting to talk to him. Unless you're old, decrepit and sick, there's really absolutely no reason to constantly need your partner. You should both want to be together, want to talk, want to have sex, etc. etc.
Author like1ofdeguys Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 thank you all for answering. very good advice @ creighton0123 I'm 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 27. He drinks on the weekends since he works throughout the week. The forgetting stuff he told me it has happened before, he didnt mentioned how many times. he did mentioned when his first relationship ended (he was with this person for years) that he started drinking heavily that was about 5 years ago. I just dont want that to happen again. He drinks if he's upset sometimes (not a good sign i know!) i just want to help him in any way i can so that he doesnt have to go there you know when he's upset sad or lonely or whatever. I talked to him, so he's been calling more. communicating more. so we're back on the right path. more issues will arise but we'll tackle them down as they come.
creighton0123 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Well... there would be very few men and women you will find who haven't blacked out drunk once or twice in their lives. If it is every weekend like clockwork and he makes a habit of drinking alone more than with other folks, there's some area for concern. I'd start jotting down when he's been drinking. If it becomes truly excess, talk to him about it. Don't judge, just let him know that you want to make sure he's happy and healthy and that you'll be there for him.
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