giulio Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Hi, my situation is a bit particular and I would need an advice. The girl I'm dating (24) had just a few bfs, and only one was ever introduced to her parents. I've met her parents briefly at her birthday, but back then, we were not in a relationship. I really enjoyed talking with her dad, which she even noticed. Since we are together (6w) she invited me to her home (she lives with her parents) even on the 2nd date, but I politely refused and explained that it's too late (9pm) and imo it would be better some other time. After some time, I was heading to her town from a training and she asked if I would like to go to her and have something to eat, which a refused again politely, because I had lunch a bit earlier. She said that she won't bother me forever with invitations to her home, so I tried to explain to her somehow that it has nothing with her family or parents, and that I really like them and has nothing to hide, it was just the situation. Sincerely, now, I regret what happened and I guess it is a reason why the relationship is somewhat colder now. The other fact is that, I already gave her a rose, then sent bunch of flowers to her home (we are in a LD) and I wouldn't like to end up being seen as some secret lover in her parents eyes, who has something to hide. The question is, should I bring up this problem, should I let her know that I care for what her family thinks? (one thing I would like to definitely avoid is to invite myself to her home but I feel that if I don't bring up this problem, she is a bit stubborn to talk/invite me the 3rd time, risking another rejection) ps. I never had problems like this in the past and parents always liked me...
Lilmisus Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Yes, you should bring it up, and you should willingly go over there to re-meet her parents. Since you're in a long distance relationship mention the next time that you're going to her town and say that you'd love to take her up on the offer of finally going over to her house. Don't wait for her to bring it up again, since she's definitely waiting for you to, and will only keep holding it against you till you do. Like I sometimes have to tell my boyfriend: take initiative and take control of the situation, don't wait for her to say something. Not only is it greatly appreciated, but it's also sexy to see a guy do it. A suggestion to consider: when you go over there (since it will happen, no matter what, if you continue dating her) put your best foot forward, try to impress not only her parents, but her as well. Dress snazzy, and even bring them a little gift to show you care. This can be anything from cooking something, and flowers for the mom, cigars for the dad, a tiny something for her. It will knock them off their feet, and will help tremendously to be put back in your girlfriend's good graces. Not many people do this nowadays it seems like, but it's always nice to show her parents that you respect them and their daughter and you are genuinely interested in her. Just a suggestion.
Lorelai Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Since she's living with them, yep, agreed with above poster. Initiative is good. The man who ended up being my ex-husband, on his first meeting with my mother (I was 20 and living at home -- am 31 now), made moussaka from scratch for her (he was born in Romania). Now, I live three hours away from where I grew up, and that's where my mom and her husband live. My father died nearly two years ago, but when he was living he was out of state -- that was the real "meet the parent" test, and only a few had met him... my ex-husband never did before we were married, actually. If I'm making a trip to the capital city of my state, my hometown, it's still pretty optional but those trips are rare. Only one guy I've dated since I've moved here met my mom, on the the second trip (though we hadn't started dating when we made the first). And he was the one I ended up being with for nearly five years. Third trip down for a holiday was a bit harrowing, but that was because of crossing a completely iced over river bridge.... heh. Meeting my mom, however, wasn't harrowing. Don't be so nervous.
Author giulio Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 hi, thanks for all the opinions, I would consider them and act accordingly. there is a small offtopic on this, and I would like some help as well: As I said earlier, from quite a few days now on, she seems to be quite depressed. She probably has some other problems as well, but I know from her friend that during the last 2 years she's depressed and sad in quite a big proportion of the time. The thing that bothers me is when I initiate contact and show her my affection she just gives me replies that kill all my motivation for her. (not all the time, but significantly to be noticed) For example. I ask her if she would like to go to travel, reply: I would but I have no option and nobody to go with; when would you like for us to go out for a walk: i don't know, I'm texting her to she how is she, wishing her the best: she replies she's sad, had a bad day etc. (just some examples, but she really feels depressed, sad and demotivated - I have a friend with the same problem and she;s acting exactly like him) On the other hand, she texts me, calls, says she misses me, she ask what's happening with me, sending kisses and we talk a lot on the phone (90% i'm the one who ends the conversation) Now, last day, I've mentioned her that I understand her problems and care for her, but I really feel that the way she's acting with me because of her sadness and depression is demotivating and that it results in a bad mood on my side as well. (this was the first time I told her and let her know this) Surprise: in the morning she texted (several times) wishing me a great day and asking if I'm ok, asking why am I in a bad mood, and sending kisses and hugs (she never really text me in the morning) So what's this reaction now ? I really feel that she's interested and attracted to me, however her sadness and depression is bringing my motivation / mood down + results in less interest in both sides and if things will not change, it's a breakup would be inevitable from me, because I can't keep trying to make someone happy and see that they have few reactions
You'reasian Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 hi, thanks for all the opinions, I would consider them and act accordingly. there is a small offtopic on this, and I would like some help as well: As I said earlier, from quite a few days now on, she seems to be quite depressed. She probably has some other problems as well, but I know from her friend that during the last 2 years she's depressed and sad in quite a big proportion of the time. The thing that bothers me is when I initiate contact and show her my affection she just gives me replies that kill all my motivation for her. (not all the time, but significantly to be noticed) For example. I ask her if she would like to go to travel, reply: I would but I have no option and nobody to go with; when would you like for us to go out for a walk: i don't know, I'm texting her to she how is she, wishing her the best: she replies she's sad, had a bad day etc. (just some examples, but she really feels depressed, sad and demotivated - I have a friend with the same problem and she;s acting exactly like him) On the other hand, she texts me, calls, says she misses me, she ask what's happening with me, sending kisses and we talk a lot on the phone (90% i'm the one who ends the conversation) Now, last day, I've mentioned her that I understand her problems and care for her, but I really feel that the way she's acting with me because of her sadness and depression is demotivating and that it results in a bad mood on my side as well. (this was the first time I told her and let her know this) Surprise: in the morning she texted (several times) wishing me a great day and asking if I'm ok, asking why am I in a bad mood, and sending kisses and hugs (she never really text me in the morning) So what's this reaction now ? I really feel that she's interested and attracted to me, however her sadness and depression is bringing my motivation / mood down + results in less interest in both sides and if things will not change, it's a breakup would be inevitable from me, because I can't keep trying to make someone happy and see that they have few reactions Her depression is a result of something more significant than your budding relationship. You cannot fix a depressed person, but you should definitely be nice/supportive. I would cut your losses, be a friend and find someone who has worked on themselves and is ready for the love of their life.
snug.bunny Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Hi, my situation is a bit particular and I would need an advice. The girl I'm dating (24) had just a few bfs, and only one was ever introduced to her parents. I've met her parents briefly at her birthday, but back then, we were not in a relationship. I really enjoyed talking with her dad, which she even noticed. Since we are together (6w) she invited me to her home (she lives with her parents) even on the 2nd date, but I politely refused and explained that it's too late (9pm) and imo it would be better some other time. After some time, I was heading to her town from a training and she asked if I would like to go to her and have something to eat, which a refused again politely, because I had lunch a bit earlier. She said that she won't bother me forever with invitations to her home, so I tried to explain to her somehow that it has nothing with her family or parents, and that I really like them and has nothing to hide, it was just the situation. Sincerely, now, I regret what happened and I guess it is a reason why the relationship is somewhat colder now. The other fact is that, I already gave her a rose, then sent bunch of flowers to her home (we are in a LD) and I wouldn't like to end up being seen as some secret lover in her parents eyes, who has something to hide. The question is, should I bring up this problem, should I let her know that I care for what her family thinks? (one thing I would like to definitely avoid is to invite myself to her home but I feel that if I don't bring up this problem, she is a bit stubborn to talk/invite me the 3rd time, risking another rejection) ps. I never had problems like this in the past and parents always liked me... I guess I am confused by your post. You've declined her invitation twice, why would she think to invite you again? It's okay if you're uncomfortable meeting her parents at this juncture... I guess I am not sure what this has to do in terms of there being a "problem" and/or "she is a bit stubborn to talk/invite me the 3rd time".
You'reasian Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 giulio, is she currently in a relationship with another man? or getting over a recent relationship?
Author giulio Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I guess I am confused by your post. You've declined her invitation twice, why would she think to invite you again? It's okay if you're uncomfortable meeting her parents at this juncture... I guess I am not sure what this has to do in terms of there being a "problem" and/or "she is a bit stubborn to talk/invite me the 3rd time". Hi, the first time she invited me was 1 week after we got together. I went to pick her up, but because of the distance / work, I arrived at 9 pm. I considered to be kind of late to go to her home / meet her parents the second time, it was my fault, a declined it because I wasn't hungry and didn't wanted to be rude with her that I would be eating just a little bit of food (I know now it's a stupid excuse and it was a mistake) The thing is, I'm perfectly comfortable with meeting her family, they seem to be nice people and I had a great talk with her dad. I just wanted to find a perfect setup for this... which was a mistake in the end I thought offering her 2 options next time would be an initiative, but would sound rude if she isn't opened now (she lives in a flat so for ex: do you want me to wait for you in front of the flat or to go up for you? - this would give her options) @You'reasian - she's definitely not the kind of girl who has more than 1 relationship, had few relationships in the past, and search pretty hard for a serious one, but had only disappointment...
GivenUp0083 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Be honest and open with her and explain just what you said here: You do care about meeting her family and don't want to be a secret boyfriend. Tell her you feel she's gone a little cold and you think it's due to the parents issue. Then offer to meet with her and her parents out to dinner one night and that you'd like to do that because you care about what they think and it's important to you. If she's not responsive to that then I don't know what to tell you.
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