aerogurl87 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Ok this has been bothering me ever since it happened 2 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world because I cheated on someone I loved so much, other times I question whether I did or not as I'm not sure if what we had at the time could even be considered real. My boyfriend tells me to get over it and forgive myself but it's not that simple. I can't forgive myself... but that's for another thread. I just want to know what everyone's view on this situation is because 2 years later and I'm still confused. So here's what happened with my ex and I. We met online on a game. We started talking and he told me he liked me, wanted to date me. Reluctantly I agreed to such dating. A few days (yes you read right, DAYS) into the "relationship" I catch him talking suggestively to two other girls in the game. I ask him about this and he says they're just friends although I find out later that he had decided to have cyber sex with them (something I consider cheating) and lied to me about. A week or so later, I come into our virtual house in the game and catch him screwing some other character in it. I'm pissed, and so at this point I'm considering ending things. He tells me it's just a game though and that those things aren't real. This in turn makes me question if our relationship or how he claims to feel about me is real as we did meet and fall for each other in the game. Anyway I continue with the relationship. A month after we meet online I go away on vacation and sleep with another guy. I feel dirty for it and horrible, but at the same time I keep having him say "it's just a game" in the back of my mind which makes me wonder if what I did was cheating. At this point in time we haven't met in person yet either, so from what I've gathered the relationship isn't real or serious. I tell him what happened and he goes off. Calls me a liar, a cheater, a whore, etc. and breaks up with me. I feel sad, but still I keep thinking "well it wasn't real to him anyway. We eventually get back together and ultimately break up again later, for good. During the course of our relationship he constantly flirts and has dozens of emotional affairs behind my back but says none of it is cheating although I clearly tell him it is. He tells me I'm crazy and he just needs emotional support and likes making women feel good about themselves when he tells them they're sexy and has cyber sex or phone sex with them. I put up with it cause I'm the "whore". Anyway just looking for views on this situation as I'm still somewhat torn between what really went down. Some days I feel like I cheated, others I wonder if I did because I question if the relationship was even real. Ideas or input is welcome.
ariestheram Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 To be honest, he sounds like the horrible one. I couldn't consider it cheating if you hadn't even met your ex at the time you slept with the other guy- but perhaps I'm not the best one to ask. I find it strange that he says he likes to give woman 'emotional support' yet he found it so easy to call you those horrible names. Sounds to me like he's got some serious issues with woman. It also sounds like you've got a great relationship with your current BF. Stop beating yourself up about it
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 To be honest, he sounds like the horrible one. I couldn't consider it cheating if you hadn't even met your ex at the time you slept with the other guy- but perhaps I'm not the best one to ask. I find it strange that he says he likes to give woman 'emotional support' yet he found it so easy to call you those horrible names. Sounds to me like he's got some serious issues with woman. It also sounds like you've got a great relationship with your current BF. Stop beating yourself up about it Yes I also found it odd at the time that he could tell me that the way we had met and fell in love was a fantasy and that it was ok for him to give other women emotional support (even after we met in person). But to him what I did was cheating although we hadn't met in person yet. I do still feel bad about it, probably because for the 6 months we were together he reminded me daily of how horrible of a person I was. But I guess I do need to forgive myself or something. And yeah my current boyfriend is awesome, so happy I have him.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I'm confused by this whole online thing. You met the ex online, and entered a "relationship". A few days later you catch "him" in the imaginary online house having imaginary sex with "another woman". Do I have that right? Also, I can't see anywhere in your post that specifies whether or not you and he ever actually met. As in, two real people in the same room at the same time. Did you? Or was this "relationship" completely online? You are clear in that when you "cheated" on him, you hadn't met him in person yet. I take it the vacation sex was real, i.e. two real people in the same room together? (If not, then you didn't cheat. An eye for an eye.) So, anyway... a lot of questions. But here's my take on things generally: Perhaps you did cheat, but you were cheating on a guy you'd never met in person before. And you'd already caught him having fictional sex in the fictional online world with somebody other than your fictional character. The "cheating" you did registers pretty low on the Richter scale, IMHO. I think the problem here isn't really that you slept with another guy on vacation (which, again, I'm assuming happened in real life, not in the game). It's that you're so absorbed in this fictional online world that it's somewhat skewed your perception of reality. After all, the game is fantasy, correct? Is the character you play supposed to be an exact replica of you? If not, then who's to say what behaviour is acceptable from your online character? His or yours? I suggest you take some time away from the online world, and focus your energy on your BF (who I'm assuming is real...?). The rules of acceptable conduct are a lot easier to understand in the real world than they are in the online fantasy world.
poorguy Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Which ex are you talking about here??? I thought you were getting back together with your old ex and not moving away with your current who you broke up with?? Just trying to clarify which guy your talking about and which one your seeing to answer the question
Chi townD Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 okay, I'm confused. You got mad because his "character" was cheating in the game? Then was it you or your character went on vacation and slept with a guy? Has anyone ever actually seen or touched another living person? I guess I'm showing my age, because this gaming stuff doesn't make any sense to me. But to answer your question, cheating- if you DO or SAY anything to someone else that you wouldn't do infront of your boyfriend/girlfriend or hushand/wife then that cheating
hopefully Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 OK, I'm confused. So the timeline is : 1. You met him online and he suggested you two be together. 2. You found out him online having cyber sex with other characters. 3. You went on a vacation in REAL WORLD and slept with a guy. 4. You two met in person and eventually things didn't work out. 5. You are dating your current boyfriend. Correct? Well, if after you met in person he's still having phone sex with other girls, it's definitely cheating (not sure about the cyber sex, I'm too old to understand it.) He's just horrible. He's fooling around and trying to justify his actions. If you never met before your vacation fling, I don't think you have any relationship with that guy. You are so better of without him! Hugs:love:
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Yes we did meet in person finally a few months later. And yes the cheating I did was in real life (physically having sex with someone else) but as he had set this somewhat, odd "open relationship" type policy before hand, I didn't feel exactly horrible at first about what I had done. Especially considering he'd been seeing his girlfriend behind my back for awhile as I later found out (his ex from high school that he lied to me about and said was "just a friend" at first). Hopefully, the phone sex thing continued after we'd met. In fact it got to the point where he made the double standard of "I can do this because you hurt me, but you can't" a big part of our "relationship". I know it all sounds very confusing, and I still am confused. One part of me feels like I cheated and the other part feels like I was only supposed to be faithful to him in game (which I was) as he never exactly clarified if our relationship was game specific at the time. In fact he didn't even say anything about us meeting until after I cheated on him and then he made it clear that our relationship was apparently not only in this fictional world but the real world. Ugh, so confusing...
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Which ex are you talking about here??? I thought you were getting back together with your old ex and not moving away with your current who you broke up with?? Just trying to clarify which guy your talking about and which one your seeing to answer the question I got back with the Canadian, and I kicked the old ex out of my life for good finally (that's the one I'm referring to, the soldier). Hence why my boyfriend thinks I need to just get over what happened, chalk it up to a bad mistake that taught me a valuable life lesson and helped me grow as a person.
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Bingo! Just stick to reality, because the back and forth between the real world and games is too confusing. Never really understood online relationships. To me, it's nothing more than an intense pen pal. Just my opinion.
Shocking Pink Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I got back with the Canadian, and I kicked the old ex out of my life for good finally (that's the one I'm referring to, the soldier). Hence why my boyfriend thinks I need to just get over what happened, chalk it up to a bad mistake that taught me a valuable life lesson and helped me grow as a person. Your bf is right, and your ex is a schmuck!
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Yes, your boyfriend IS right. It might even be detrimental to your current relationship for you to be having such an emotional response to something that happened two years ago, within a completely different relationship. Your boyfriend accepts what happened and is not holding it against you. Your relationship with your ex sounds like it was not ever built on a solid foundation even a little tiny bit - which I find confusing, since I have followed your threads and I thought that you considered that guy to be your "soul mate." But I might have that guy and this guy mixed up. It does not really matter. Leave that complicated mess behind you, DO forgive yourself (you said you can't, but you certainly CAN) and move into the present, with your current boyfriend, and function in real life with him!
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks everyone for your input. I guess I really do need to forgive myself and realise that just because that's my past, doesn't mean it will dictate what I will do in the future.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 The way I hope that it affects your future is by providing a few good lessons for you: 1) the "virtual" relationship got disproportionately ahead of real life 2) the guy was a jerk and you don't need that. 3) if you want to have sex with somebody (real or virtual, I guess - the world of cyber sex or sex in "rooms" in games is completely foreign to me because I am an old lady), don't do it while you are in a committed relationship or you will feel bad for years, not to mention the effect it has on the other person and your relationship with them.
KandiceHanson Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Wow, Aero, this is so ironic! I met mine on a game too xD And I came to this thread versus the LDR because just two seconds ago I found my SO flirting with some other person...not cheating, but he told them that he thinks they're 'cute' *head desk* This is like the worst thing... Number 1, because I snooped. Number 2, because I am going to see him in two weeks. Number 3, he may be bi-sexual. This is like the worst day of my life. But yes, I didn't know you hadn't met your SO yet! That was the best day of my life when I met mine for the first time after a 1/2 year of getting to know each other through the phone...teehee. But now I'm not so sure *sigh* I'll see what happens.
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Wow, Aero, this is so ironic! I met mine on a game too xD And I came to this thread versus the LDR because just two seconds ago I found my SO flirting with some other person...not cheating, but he told them that he thinks they're 'cute' *head desk* This is like the worst thing... Number 1, because I snooped. Number 2, because I am going to see him in two weeks. Number 3, he may be bi-sexual. This is like the worst day of my life. But yes, I didn't know you hadn't met your SO yet! That was the best day of my life when I met mine for the first time after a 1/2 year of getting to know each other through the phone...teehee. But now I'm not so sure *sigh* I'll see what happens. Well that's alot to take in a few weeks before you go see your boyfriend. But to clarify I hadn't met my ex when I cheated on him. We did meet after that, a few times actually. Then he left me for someone else cause he said he could do better and she left him a week after they got together. But no, I did meet him in person and I've already met my boyfriend now in person a few times, 5 weeks and 4 days total so far.
Recommended Posts