For those now with MM/MW

[carrie999]

When did you first think it was possible that it might really happen? I never thought it was in my case. MM married his high school sweetheart. Without getting into the story I told in greater detail in prior posts last summer, our A started with a drunken kiss that confused us both. It was nearly three months before we had more intimate contact and really began our relationship. I never put any faith into "us" becoming a reality. The combination of our situations and what I learned reading stories here and elsewhere had me convinced that we had no chance.

 

When it started to get serious between us, it all seemed to parallel every other account of two people deluding themselves into thinking the fantasy could ever become a reality. At that point, I closed myself off to an extent, and when he seemed optimistic, I "ripped off the blinders" for him too. It was incredibly painful, and we very nearly lost one another.

 

Backing off and taking space (largely NC) allowed us to get a grip on reality. When we decided to resume things, we did so slowly, and focused on the friendship. That was easy, since we're long distance and most of our contact (particularly during the holidays) was talking...and still is, for the most part.

 

While I realized my own R with my fiance was doomed regardless of the A, he never had any intentions of leaving his M. Slowly he has come to the realization that whatever happens between us, that may be inevitable. He never admitted this even to himself, fully, but he never was really attracted to her. He just loved her, and they always had a very good and balanced relationship that served to fulfill their needs for balance, stability, and love (if not romantic love) in their otherwise unstable family lives. Skipping details that I'll fill in if necessary, he wasn't fulfilled. He was okay with forgoing the physical passion, but it became clear that the core friendship in their relationship was not enough.

 

I still have no idea where the future lies, but it's becoming clear that whether or not I'm part of his life, he's going to leave her eventually. It terrifies him because it will crush her, hurt him equally to hurt her, and everyone they both know will hate him for it. That's without a DDay or any recognition of anything outside the marriage that might have led him to this point. His own family is so traditional that they may never accept him divorcing her, unless she literally ran away with someone else.

 

I'm not deluded. If we ever are to end up together, it will take years. In all likelihood, we'd have to essentially end our R and come back to it after the dust had settled in both our lives. Painful as it is, this makes sense to me, at least in our situation. Choosing between us isn't a viable option. He needs to end his M for him and on his/their terms, mourn the loss, and only then can he really decide he wants to be with me.

 

This all became clear in the last month or so, to the point where he finally started going into detail about everything from the fact that he never was attracted to her (new to me) to his state's divorce law and attorneys he's looked into hiring to the simple fact that if I ended it tomorrow, he's convinced he'd always wonder "what if?" which would be enough to end his marriage even if he had no hope of ever talking to me again.

 

None of this makes me as happy as I might have thought it would when this started...not that I was keen on the idea of adultery, much less breaking up a marriage. Reality set in long ago for me, and not far after for him. I'll never love anyone so strongly, and I hate that at the core of this is the reality that everyone in this situation will be hurt to varying but intense degrees, regardless of the outcome. It would be so much easier if he was leaving an awful or abusive relationship. Then again, given no kids in their marriage (another point of friction), it would make it much easier for him to walk away if she wasn't a good person.

 

Nonetheless, this is the first time I've ever believed we might actually end up legitimately together in the end. Sorry for the long aside to get to my question to the OM/OW who are now married to (or on that road) to fMM/MW, but was there a point at which you basically knew that it might actually become a reality? Everyone is obviously welcome to share, but I'd really like to hear from those who are there now, and what the turning point was in your relationships.

[jj33]

Carrie Im no longer with MM but after several years the dust has finally settled for us. And surprisingly we recently saw each other and discussed what would happen if he left.

 

Now this is your thread and I am NOT interested in any off topic posts about my situation and whether I would be wise to entertain that.

 

After all this time I had questioned why he stayed in my own mind but it wasnt something I ever expected to discuss with him again.

 

I dont know that he will ever leave or that he will ever divorce (2 different things they could separate physicaly and ultimately not divorce for financial reasons). But its interesting because I have been haunted by the A and wondering how he could let it go and as it turns out he never let it go.

 

What was interesting about it was we discussed the practical side of how things would work if he left as opposed to I wish I could leave but I cant because xyz.

 

Its easier now because we have been apart for so long that I am more detached from it. I do not know what would happen if he left the whole relationshp would have to be rebuilt and my life has changed in the interim.

 

So I dont know if this discussion was "that point" and wont know unless something were to happen in the future but I understand where you are coming from.

 

I wouldnt feel guilty if I were you. He is making his own decisions based on his feelings for his marriage. He is thinking of leaving regardless of whether you end up together. Similarly I wouldnt feel guilty if he left. Its been several years since the A ended and so if his marriage ends that has nothing to do with me.

Edited February 15, 2011 by jj33

[woinlove]

I remember exactly what you refer to, the realization that we might end up together. Through the separation and filing for divorce, I never really believed it and it only sunk it when his divorce was final. I surprised myself with my reaction. I finally started to think, is this really the man I want to spend my life with, and within a few weeks I left him. I suddenly saw things differently. I instinctively knew I wanted a life partner I could trust and I'd never really trust my MM. Others who post here obviously have gone on to trust their former MM, so maybe you'll hear from some of them.

 

I'm surprised your MM is already looking into divorce lawyers when he doesn't have children and it sounds like his wife is still in the dark. Perhaps you can encourage him to let his wife in on it as soon as possible, so she isn't left even further behind in all this. How he behaves during this period will become part of him.

[OWoman]

Sorry for the long aside to get to my question to the OM/OW who are now married to (or on that road) to fMM/MW, but was there a point at which you basically knew that it might actually become a reality? Everyone is obviously welcome to share, but I'd really like to hear from those who are there now, and what the turning point was in your relationships.

 

At first, a FTR wasn't what I wanted - much less something permanent! But as the A progressed, things shifted for both of us. Several factors (external to the R) changed in my life, and my perspective and my needs moved with that. I became open to different possibilities that would not have been conceivable before. One day we both just looked at each other and realised - things have changed. We discovered, and admitted (to ourselves and each other) that

we had fallen in love. We decided we wanted to be together, and spoke about what that would mean for both of us, what we would both have to do to make that possible.

 

It took a while (for both of us - longer for me) but we did what we needed to do, and started our life together while waiting for his D to come through.

 

So for us, it wasn't so much a case of realising we could be together, as it was of deciding we wanted to be together, and then making that happen.

 

I'm not sure if that sheds any light for your own situation, though?

[tft]

Hi Carrie

 

I think we knew we wanted to be together before it got physical (after around a 15 month EA) 1 month after the PA started, he left. That one didn't stick, we went NC etc etc. The second time it did stick, and that was probably 9 months after our affair turned physical. That was now 3 years ago, and he is divorced (1 year) and we are living together (officially for a couple of months but I was virtually living with him for the past year, we just had 2 addresses!)

 

I'd say our relationship has really settled down over the last 12 months, and we are in a really great place right now, and are still as in love and as attracted to each other now as we were in the height of the (so called) "fog" early in our A.

 

I really hope everything works out well for you. Its wise of you to realise that it can take some time and that it won't always be plain sailing.

 

Take care

 

xx

[carrie999]

Thank you all for your insight! JJ, I could see my situation becoming similar to yours. I have no idea what he's going to decide ultimately, and you brought up a good point about the financial situation. Even if he comes to terms with the emotional repercussions, he is currently supporting a close family member. Unless she agreed to walk away with half (or more) of their assets but no alimony, he would have to support three households instead of one. We'll see...

 

Woinlove, you make an excellent point, as usual. I really do believe we would be amazing together and I'd have no doubts that he would be faithful to me. Despite how we got started, and the fact that I always agreed with the idea that you should expect someone who leaves his/her spouse to be with you to ultimately do the same to you, I cannot see him doing this again any more than I could imagine doing it to him. However, how he treats her and ends this with her may very well introduce new doubt about his integrity. So far he has only done some preliminary research, but if he wasn't honest with her about wanting to leave before actively seeking legal counsel, I would probably always wonder how bad things would have to get before he admitted he was unhappy with me, too.

 

OWoman, I'm really happy for you, and your story definitely offers both hope and a different perspective for me. I would love for my situation to go the ways your did in the sense that once you chose to be together, you made it work. TFT, I'm happy for you as well, and I certainly don't expect it to be smooth sailing by any means. So far, each step has been difficult and frought with fear and uncertainty, and I don't expect that to change until the dust settles.

 

I really appreciate hearing from all of you :-)

[jj33]

Hi Carrie

 

I think we knew we wanted to be together before it got physical (after around a 15 month EA) 1 month after the PA started, he left. That one didn't stick, we went NC etc etc. The second time it did stick, and that was probably 9 months after our affair turned physical. That was now 3 years ago, and he is divorced (1 year) and we are living together (officially for a couple of months but I was virtually living with him for the past year, we just had 2 addresses!)

 

I'd say our relationship has really settled down over the last 12 months, and we are in a really great place right now, and are still as in love and as attracted to each other now as we were in the height of the (so called) "fog" early in our A.

 

 

 

Wow TFT that is great news. Congratulations. Wishing you two a lifetime of happiness.

[tami-chan]

...... was there a point at which you basically knew that it might actually become a reality?

 

My xMM always wanted to make our relationship "open". I realized he was not going to settle just for an affair when he said he wanted to talk to my parents :eek:! and my then H :eek:!!!!

[Spices]

He pretty much let me know from the beginning, an I believe that is the only reason I stuck around. Basically, I listened to my gut.

 

Once I found out he was married I wanted out immediately. Of course, I had already developed strong feelings for him, but when I figured out he was married I honestly wanted nothing to do with him. I let him know how I felt. I straight up told him that we shouldn't talk anymore because I now knew he was married & I refused to play games. His response was basically "WHAT, WHY? WAIT A MINUIT, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!!"

 

He then began to tell me his whole life story detail by detail. He told me the various stories of his past and stories of his marriage & how unhappy he was in his relationship. He explained that he was comfortable in his marriage, yet he felt empty and unfulfilled with the relationship. He said that he needed to see if there was something better & he saw that potential in me. He apparently could see no flaws in me, which I of course knew to be crazy thinking. I'd tell him over and over that he was most likely only idolizing me his head and that I was not perfect & had just as many flaws as anyone. I began to open up to him at this point, just as he had opened up to me. I also told him that he really needed to try evaluate his life and work on his marriage before he could even conceder leaving it & starting anything with me/anyone else. He explained that he had been working on his marriage for years to no avail. Apparently they didn't share the connection he so craved. You see, he's a very passionate man, I'm a very passionate woman... his now ex wife was not. This didn't mean she wasn't a wonderful person, because from what I understand, she's awesome in her own way.

 

Call me crazy, but I agreed to go on a weekend vacation with him. We had an amazing time. Keep in mind, I refused to have sex with him during that time. Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong/crazy in a way, I still had morals. After the trip we began spending every day together. Two weeks later he asked his wife for a divorce & he moved out. I felt horrible about it, but the connection we had seemed worth it in a way. I still refused to have sex with him of course, not until I was completely sure I could trust his words & intentions. It was only after we confessed that we were in love (months later) that I gave that part of myself to him.

 

It's been a rocky road from there. The storm was strong, and of course there has been doubts on both parts. The whole time we were together I kept asking him to try and work things out with his wife, if not just one more time. We agreed at one point that it was the best thing. We missed each other horribly during that time, but I knew it was what had to be done, and so I refused to call him. I tried to move on. He wasn’t as dedicated, apparently. He began to call me daily. He told me he was trying so hard, but he missed me & he couldn't get over their personality clashes. He said he kept wishing she was more like me, which did make me feel kind of sad to be honest... Soon, after a month & 1/2 it was evident that their marriage was dead. They both agreed to go through with the divorce.

 

Now, after 6 months the storm has passed, and we're slowly rebuilding things bit by bit. We make a good team in many aspects. Our personalities fit together like a puzzle. I believe he's the more crazy & impulsive one of the two of us, while I'm more cautious & prefer to take things slow. Things certainly haven't been easy, and we know there will probably be many more hurdles to come; despite all of this we now can at least say that we are honestly happy; and sometimes, that's all it takes.

Edited February 19, 2011 by Spices

[carrie999]

He pretty much let me know from the beginning, an I believe that is the only reason I stuck around. Basically, I listened to my gut.

 

Once I found out he was married I wanted out immediately. Of course, I had already developed strong feelings for him, but when I figured out he was married I honestly wanted nothing to do with him. I let him know how I felt. I straight up told him that we shouldn't talk anymore because I now knew he was married & I refused to play games. His response was basically "WHAT, WHY? WAIT A MINUIT, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!!"

 

He then began to tell me his whole life story detail by detail. He told me the various stories of his past and stories of his marriage & how unhappy he was in his relationship. He explained that he was comfortable in his marriage, yet he felt empty and unfulfilled with the relationship. He said that he needed to see if there was something better & he saw that potential in me. He apparently could see no flaws in me, which I of course knew to be crazy thinking. I'd tell him over and over that he was most likely only idolizing me his head and that I was not perfect & had just as many flaws as anyone. I began to open up to him at this point, just as he had opened up to me. I also told him that he really needed to try evaluate his life and work on his marriage before he could even conceder leaving it & starting anything with me/anyone else. He explained that he had been working on his marriage for years to no avail. Apparently they didn't share the connection he so craved. You see, he's a very passionate man, I'm a very passionate woman... his now ex wife was not. This didn't mean she wasn't a wonderful person, because from what I understand, she's awesome in her own way.

 

Call me crazy, but I agreed to go on a weekend vacation with him. We had an amazing time. Keep in mind, I refused to have sex with him during that time. Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong/crazy in a way, I still had morals. After the trip we began spending every day together. Two weeks later he asked his wife for a divorce & he moved out. I felt horrible about it, but the connection we had seemed worth it in a way. I still refused to have sex with him of course, not until I was completely sure I could trust his words & intentions. It was only after we confessed that we were in love (months later) that I gave that part of myself to him.

 

It's been a rocky road from there. The storm was strong, and of course there has been doubts on both parts. The whole time we were together I kept asking him to try and work things out with his wife, if not just one more time. We agreed at one point that it was the best thing. We missed each other horribly during that time, but I knew it was what had to be done, and so I refused to call him. I tried to move on. He wasn’t as dedicated, apparently. He began to call me daily. He told me he was trying so hard, but he missed me & he couldn't get over their personality clashes. He said he kept wishing she was more like me, which did make me feel kind of sad to be honest... Soon, after a month & 1/2 it was evident that their marriage was dead. They both agreed to go through with the divorce.

 

Now, after 6 months the storm has passed, and we're slowly rebuilding things bit by bit. We make a good team in many aspects. Our personalities fit together like a puzzle. I believe he's the more crazy & impulsive one of the two of us, while I'm more cautious & prefer to take things slow. Things certainly haven't been easy, and we know there will probably be many more hurdles to come; despite all of this we now can at least say that we are honestly happy; and sometimes, that's all it takes.

 

This is fantastic to hear. I'm really happy for you both!