Woman: A right to be sad about being single if she's rejected every guy who's asked?

February 16, 2011

Well there are triggers that can release these chemicals in a woman's body. I'm sure there's information regarding this online. I don't know them myself except maybe by intuition.

Except it's one of the few ways to at least explain it. If it isn't explained through those chemicals you'll have to explain it in some esoteric and/or poetic and/or philosophical way, which might make it sound more romantic, but I'm not sure if it will help.

Some tips that could perhaps help:
What about hitting the gym? Training until you have a six pack and impressive arms and shoulders? What about wearing trendy and attractive clothes? Getting a cool haircut? I'm sure you can think of a few more ways.

so its not magic chemistry its lust

As far as 6 packs about 2 percent of men have them if thats what it takes to attract women maybe womens standards have become too high

February 16, 2011

so its not magic chemistry its lust

As far as 6 packs about 2 percent of men have them if thats what it takes to attract women maybe womens standards have become too high

Lust ebbs and flows, my friend.

February 16, 2011

OP, IIRC you complained how 'no girls' have ever expressed interest in you. When probed further, you admitted that there WERE girls who had, they were just overweight, etc, so they apparently did not count.

Don't you think it's the same thing?

February 16, 2011

Some tips that could perhaps help:
What about hitting the gym? Training until you have a six pack and impressive arms and shoulders? What about wearing trendy and attractive clothes? Getting a cool haircut? I'm sure you can think of a few more ways.

My clothes and hair are fine for my setting. I'm in the gym 2-3 times a week. I'm an ectomorph so building muscle is hard for me. It will be a long time till I can get big.

If a woman with a G cup is indeed your must have, then I would say keep looking until you find them,

Heh, for the longeest time I was reading your name as Tatiania but now I see that it is Titania

Anyways, the G thing was only an example. Doesn't really matter since I was defeated. You're such a romantic

You're not discussing chemistry in the way it is most commonly discussed in terms of dating. What you're talking about is getting your foot in the door in terms of getting dates in the first place. Chemistry usually refers more to the type deal. If you seriously think there are thousands upon thousands of girls who can have this effect on you just within your geographic area, I'd say your standards are too low.

No I wouldn't say that my standards are too low. Is that even possible since I've been single my whole life.

My conclusion is that I simply don't know what chemistry is. I don't think I've ever gotten the "holy crap, I feel like I've known this person my whole life even though I've only known them a few days" feeling.

If I've never felt that talking to a girl, would that mean that no girls felt that with me? Could that explain why I rarely ever get dates and almost never more than one?

Honestly I don't give a crap about that feeling. All that would do is limit the amount of girls I pursue, and why would I want to do a thing like that?

It's very true that women tend to get hit on quite a bit. What exactly does she have to gain by accepting all or even most of these guy's advances? Honestly, not a whole lot.

She spends more time with each one, possibly allowing "chemistry" to develop. What, does she expect it to happen within the first 5 minutes? The first time I meet a girl I'm usually so nervous I can't even remember my own name. I'm a much different person once I get a chance to actually open up. To expect chemistry in the first encounter is silly.

A lot of men unfortunately still engage in shady and/or predatory behavior in their dating methods. There's a reason why women have the "creep" shield on high alert a lot of the time. It's within their best interest to be as selective as possible. It has nothing to do with standards. It's easy to block out the idea that women are capable of having genuine dating issues when you're too frustrated by your own failures.

I know what you are saying. Usually the creepy guys are pretty obvious. But for every creep there is one normal.

I'm not sure that's what is going on with you, but I think your problem is that you're just a tad too focused on getting women in the first place. Even at my horniest and most desperate stages in life, my lethargy and apathy kept me from really trying to get women. A few came my way, but I'm sure many more would have had I actually tried. The point is, I didn't get nearly as freaked out about it as you seem to get sometimes.

Short answer, none come my way.

Really though, I didn't make this thread to talk about myself. I wanted to vent about women who complain about being single while at the same time, rejecting decent guys.

OP, IIRC you complained how 'no girls' have ever expressed interest in you. When probed further, you admitted that there WERE girls who had, they were just overweight, etc, so they apparently did not count.

Don't you think it's the same thing?

It's not the same thing because those girls were below my minimum standards. Their weight was a deal-breaker.

If a girl is rejecting a bunch of normal dudes (not ugly, too short, fat etc) then it makes me wonder what her deal-breakers are.

If she's only into buff guys 6 foot plus while she's only an average looking girl whose 5'4, then she's just really shallow.

February 16, 2011

Again, what makes you think the girl in question is rejecting only decent guys? It's entirely possible for a girl to have a 6 month period during which she's approached by douchebag after douchebag. There's a lot of possibilities here. I think the point has been made that it's a bit juvenile to complain about that sort of thing on facebook, and I agree.

I didn't mean to make it a thread about you either, but I can't help but feel you're projecting your own personal psychology onto the women who may reject a lot of guys and then complain about being alone. Do you see it as a comparison between, let's say, person X who lives in a highly affluent society being a magnificently picky eater, and person Y, who is waiting in line for scraps or desperately rummaging for them? I can sympathize to a certain extent with this mentality. Unfortunately, that's the nature of the game. You either accept it as a rule of the game or you don't play at all.

February 16, 2011

Heh, for the longeest time I was reading your name as Tatiania but now I see that it is Titania

Anyways, the G thing was only an example. Doesn't really matter since I was defeated. You're such a romantic

That's fine about the name thing, you are not the first person to misread it, and you probably won't be the last.

It has been a pleasure debating with you this afternoon.

And yes I am a romantic. I have been to hell and back, but I refuse to be jaded and give up on men. On the way, I have learnt tons about myself, and it was just in the last week I found and acknowledged my "must have", which is why it has been in so many of my posts. Now that I met a man with that trait, I understand why it was never really right with anyone else.

Regardless, of the fact this man isn't ready for a relationship, and may not stick around for the long haul, I am so happy just to have found him (and to finally understand why it was always wrong before). I want to give him as much space as he wants, and hopefully he will stay around for a bit. I know every moment that I get to spend with him will be a memory I will treasure for the rest of my life. And I am willing to suffer any broken hearted feelings I may experience in the future, because they are all worth it. It's like I am the star of my own (life) movies, and it was an epic tale and adventure to find a great treasure. And I found it, and it was hidden inside a person. It doesn't matter what happens from here, because the credits are rolling now, the quest has been successful and nothing can change that. In this moment my life is completely perfect, and i wonder how many people have a moment like that in their lives.

As for you somedude, there is no reason why you can't have that moment. My quest took 20yrs, longer if you count my whole lifetime. When you cross paths with that person, that makes you come alive like you have never been, then you will understand, and all the other women in the world won't matter.

February 16, 2011

Why the pickiness?

mind-set.

same reason as people complain they are lonely after declining a date and also same as they don't want to change for anyone but expect others to change to suit them.

February 16, 2011

LOL, now I see where you are coming from. Yes this thread is influenced by a specific girl, two actually. I've known other girls who also complained about being single who most likely rejected a bunch of guys. I was also very close with a girl last year who was single for as long as I knew her. Of course she rejected me, but since I never once heard her complain about being single or wanting a boyfriend, she's not included in the group.

IMO a girl is only single because she wants to be. (Of course there are some exceptions. Health issues, being completely unattractive etc.)

BTW, I appreciate your whole flirting segment. It is something that I truly suck at and need to improve.

You're really not getting it. You don't need to do anything and you don't need to try. This is your life. You have chosen to sit on the sidelines, to project your loneliness onto these women and ask us to judge you via them, to make it all a big deal. You say they have probably turned down lots of guys. You have turned down lots of girls. Thousands of them. By choosing to be on the sidelines, to not flirt, to not goof off to impress them, to not give them a wink, a smile, tell a joke, make contact, interact with them you have decided to reject them.

You can choose to flirt. No-one is born a great flirt - it's something that you learn with practice. And when you enjoy the practice you become good at it.

Let's say this girl phones you up tonight and says she likes you and would like to be your girlfriend. You agree and start dating. What happens next? Do you (a) continue stalking girls on the internet to find out what they're like or (b) do some other stuff, like birdwatching or swimming or building a kite or kick-boxing or writing a book? I bet if she did call you you wouldn't have anything to do because you're so busy trying to think your way into a relationship.

Go outside, smile at some hotties, ask a girl about her day / what she's reading / does she like astrophysics / does she fancy going for a coffee sometime and flirt, flirt, flirt. You know how you feel inside when you see a hottie - just let that feeling come to the surface and let the feeling do all the work for you.

The amount of beautiful, sexy, sassy, intelligent, kind, interesting women I have rejected by being so determined to get everything right and work everything out astounds me, now that I realise it. There are no rules, you are there, it is not a competition, trust your feelings and love like you've never been hurt.

February 16, 2011

If you don't like some one romantically then you don't like someone. I'm sure she wouldn't reject a great guy that she likes if she could find him.

February 16, 2011

I'm laying the ground work, taking the steps so that when I do ask them out, it won't be a total shock. And I'm probably doing it all wrong

You are doing it wrong. No groundwork is really required to ask a girl out on a date. I mean, you should have a conversation first, mostly to make sure you both don't hate speaking to each other, but other than that, just do it: Ask the girl out. She'll say yes, or she'll say no, or she'll say something vague that really means no. There is very little you can do to control this outcome, beyond changing yourself and constantly bettering yourself; changing someone's idea of you rarely occurs.

Chemistry is not a word that men use because it's something not easily explained.

I felt nothing for those women because they were too heavy for me. That's a simple, easy to understand answer. If a woman told me that she didn't want to date me because I was too short, ugly, stupid etc. I'd understand that. But saying that she doesn't feel any chemistry, I don't know what to do with that answer.

First of all, I'm never going to tell someone who's asked me out he's too heavy/ugly/stupid, etc. It's rude. Particularly if it's looks-based and not something he can easily change. So, that would probably get the "no chemistry" type answer. It's called politeness, and many people employ it.

Second of all, there is more to chemistry than that -- there are times I talk to a guy for two minutes, and I'm already annoyed. It doesn't always mean he's deficient in some way I know how to articulate yet (surely, if I spoke to him more, I'd figure it out, but why bother?), but it does mean he's not potential BF material. There are times a guy isn't ugly, but he's not my physical type. There are times a guy clearly has values I do not share that I can tell from the way he dresses, the way he approaches me, the way he carries himself (This is everything from overly straight-laced staunch Christians on one side to guys who are in bands/party and still think they're going to be famous one day so they don't really have a real job on the other side).

I think if a woman expects fireworks pre-date, then, yes, she is expecting too much, but most of the time a woman says, "There just isn't any chemistry" she's either saying "I don't like you" (pretty easy to translate) or "I don't like you THAT way" (a little more complex, but still pretty easy: It means she doesn't ever see herself wanting to kiss you or sleep with you). And, frankly, no one owes you a reason why, and most people wouldn't want to hear the reasons why anyway, so few women --- or men --- are going to give it.

February 16, 2011

And yes I am a romantic. I have been to hell and back, but I refuse to be jaded and give up on men. On the way, I have learnt tons about myself, and it was just in the last week I found and acknowledged my "must have", which is why it has been in so many of my posts. Now that I met a man with that trait, I understand why it was never really right with anyone else.

Regardless, of the fact this man isn't ready for a relationship, and may not stick around for the long haul, I am so happy just to have found him (and to finally understand why it was always wrong before). I want to give him as much space as he wants, and hopefully he will stay around for a bit. I know every moment that I get to spend with him will be a memory I will treasure for the rest of my life. And I am willing to suffer any broken hearted feelings I may experience in the future, because they are all worth it. It's like I am the star of my own (life) movies, and it was an epic tale and adventure to find a great treasure. And I found it, and it was hidden inside a person. It doesn't matter what happens from here, because the credits are rolling now, the quest has been successful and nothing can change that. In this moment my life is completely perfect, and i wonder how many people have a moment like that in their lives.

As for you somedude, there is no reason why you can't have that moment. My quest took 20yrs, longer if you count my whole lifetime. When you cross paths with that person, that makes you come alive like you have never been, then you will understand, and all the other women in the world won't matter.

What a lovely and inspirational post!

February 16, 2011

Do you see it as a comparison between, let's say, person X who lives in a highly affluent society being a magnificently picky eater, and person Y, who is waiting in line for scraps or desperately rummaging for them? I can sympathize to a certain extent with this mentality. Unfortunately, that's the nature of the game. You either accept it as a rule of the game or you don't play at all.

Yes, and person X is complaining that none of the food is good enough.

There's also the feeling that after you ask somebody out in that situation, and get a rejection or be ignored it basically means, "no thanks, I'd rather be sad and alone."

You have turned down lots of girls. Thousands of them. By choosing to be on the sidelines, to not flirt, to not goof off to impress them, to not give them a wink, a smile, tell a joke, make contact, interact with them you have decided to reject them.

Ridiculous.

By the same logic I've been turned down thousands of times by women who haven't sent me flirty signals. It's silly to count something like that as a rejection.

To make things simple, it's only a rejection if the person actually wanted something from somebody, and took an action to let the other person know.

Second of all, there is more to chemistry than that -- there are times I talk to a guy for two minutes, and I'm already annoyed. It doesn't always mean he's deficient in some way I know how to articulate yet (surely, if I spoke to him more, I'd figure it out, but why bother?), but it does mean he's not potential BF material.

That's why I have "fun to talk to and interact with" as one of my requirements for chemistry.

If I think she's cute and we're both joking and laughing; then that's enough for me.

I know I'm not a bad looking guy so when a girl I've been joking around with rejects me, I'm left confused and disappointed.

I think if a woman expects fireworks pre-date, then, yes, she is expecting too much, but most of the time a woman says, "There just isn't any chemistry" she's either saying "I don't like you" (pretty easy to translate) or "I don't like you THAT way" (a little more complex, but still pretty easy: It means she doesn't ever see herself wanting to kiss you or sleep with you). And, frankly, no one owes you a reason why, and most people wouldn't want to hear the reasons why anyway, so few women --- or men --- are going to give it.

The problem with never getting an answer why not, means I can't learn what I did wrong and fix it so I don't get rejected by the next girl for the exact same reason.

February 16, 2011

Would it be better if they went out with these guys, potentially leading them on, only to dump them when a man who really rang their bells came along? I'm sorry, but that's what's been running through my mind, whenever I see this thread.

Edited February 16, 2011 by Anela

February 16, 2011

The difference is girls don't want to be with just any guy, just because he asks them and isn't some kind of monster. It feels gross to us to have hands all over us and someone breathing down our neck if we're not interested in him, and unlike a lot of guys we're just not attracted to everything that moves. The average girl isn't holding out for rich, six feet and buff, she's holding out for somebody who makes her feel sparks. That could be a short, witty guy with a killer smile! And agreed with prev. poster, how do you know she's always being asked out by nice, normal guys? Women get approached by jerks and creeps all the time!

February 16, 2011

What a lovely and inspirational post!

Thanks January2011

February 16, 2011

It's not the same thing because those girls were below my minimum standards. Their weight was a deal-breaker.

If a girl is rejecting a bunch of normal dudes (not ugly, too short, fat etc) then it makes me wonder what her deal-breakers are.

If she's only into buff guys 6 foot plus while she's only an average looking girl whose 5'4, then she's just really shallow.

So she has different dealbreakers from you. What if she doesn't like them because they're too player-ish? Too young? Too unintelligent? Does that make her shallow/picky, while you rejecting women for being 'too fat' is perfectly okay? Where do you draw the line? Which minimum standards are okay to have? Who are you to dictate that?

February 17, 2011

IMO if a woman was truly sad about being alone, she'd be actively kissing frogs. Not sitting on her tuffet declining the frogs or just ignoring them.

This is the real world, and frogs don't change into anything no matter how many times you kiss them. If I don't like a guy and am not attracted to him, dating him isn't going to suddenly turn him into Prince Charming. It's a complete waste of my time and his if I go out with someone I already know I won't be compatible with. Why is this so difficult to understand?

February 17, 2011

That's why I have "fun to talk to and interact with" as one of my requirements for chemistry.

If I think she's cute and we're both joking and laughing; then that's enough for me. I know I'm not a bad looking guy so when a girl I've been joking around with rejects me, I'm left confused and disappointed.

Well, it wouldn't be enough for me. I can have a laugh with a cute guy and think he lacks depth, for instance, and not be into it. I can have a laugh with lots of people. There are people who naturally get along with others and are 'easy to talk to' and you may encounter them and think, "We're getting on great" when she's naturally doing a lot of that work, because she's used to it, and that's how she is in the world. It doesn't mean she feels the same chemistry you do.

The problem with never getting an answer why not, means I can't learn what I did wrong and fix it so I don't get rejected by the next girl for the exact same reason.

But these reasons are often personal, meaning not private perse but distinct to the person. Though I'd say worrying less about what's "wrong" would be a good start to fixing your issues. Assess yourself. Don't count on random women to do it for you---know your strong and weak points. Don't let other people dictate your self-love, self-esteem, or sense of self. . . . if you do, you'll find that everything suffers, including your relationships.

February 17, 2011

So she has different dealbreakers from you. What if she doesn't like them because they're too player-ish? Too young? Too unintelligent? Does that make her shallow/picky, while you rejecting women for being 'too fat' is perfectly okay? Where do you draw the line? Which minimum standards are okay to have? Who are you to dictate that?

Elswyth, the problem I'm having with this concept is that it would mean that I am below that girls minimum standards and that her being alone is a better looking option than giving me a chance. Then it makes me wonder what is so wrong about me to be below somebodies minimum standards.

This is the real world, and frogs don't change into anything no matter how many times you kiss them. If I don't like a guy and am not attracted to him, dating him isn't going to suddenly turn him into Prince Charming. It's a complete waste of my time and his if I go out with someone I already know I won't be compatible with. Why is this so difficult to understand?

When you get to know somebody better, do they seem to change? Have you ever known somebody who was just quiet and polite when you first met and as time went on seemed to be a completely different person for better or worse?

That's what I meant by the frog example. Also I was sticking with the princess theme and it just fit.

Well, it wouldn't be enough for me. I can have a laugh with a cute guy and think he lacks depth, for instance, and not be into it. I can have a laugh with lots of people. There are people who naturally get along with others and are 'easy to talk to' and you may encounter them and think, "We're getting on great" when she's naturally doing a lot of that work, because she's used to it, and that's how she is in the world. It doesn't mean she feels the same chemistry you do.

Then things are much more difficult than I originally thought And here I was thinking I've been making progress.

But these reasons are often personal, meaning not private perse but distinct to the person. Though I'd say worrying less about what's "wrong" would be a good start to fixing your issues. Assess yourself. Don't count on random women to do it for you---know your strong and weak points. Don't let other people dictate your self-love, self-esteem, or sense of self. . . . if you do, you'll find that everything suffers, including your relationships.

Odds are random women are a better judge about what is attractive or unattractive about me than I am.

I would absolutely loved some feedback by girls that have rejected me. While talking about my previous dating experience in group of guys, they told me that a girl turned rejected me because I didn't try to kiss her after two dates. If she herself told after the end of the last date, "somedude, I'm sorry but I'm going to end this here. You're just not aggressive enough." I would be able to learn and try and change that with the next girl.

How I am supposed to improve if I can't tell what I'm doing is right, wrong or almost there?

February 17, 2011

Then things are much more difficult than I originally thought And here I was thinking I've been making progress.
Odds are random women are a better judge about what is attractive or unattractive about me than I am.

This is what I was trying to get at a few pages back when I said that the triggers for "chemistry" are far more esoteric than simply being able to laugh and get along.

February 17, 2011

Elswyth, the problem I'm having with this concept is that it would mean that I am below that girls minimum standards and that her being alone is a better looking option than giving me a chance. Then it makes me wonder what is so wrong about me to be below somebodies minimum standards.

What's wrong with that? Everyone has different standards... and different measuring sticks, even. So what if you're below a person's standard?

I am sure I'm below the standards of some people who are also below my standards, whereas the bf is above my standards and I'm above his. Apples to oranges.

February 17, 2011

Elswyth, the problem I'm having with this concept is that it would mean that I am below that girls minimum standards and that her being alone is a better looking option than giving me a chance. Then it makes me wonder what is so wrong about me to be below somebodies minimum standards.

You're still doing it wrong. It's not a competitive sport. It's not a case of high or low standards. You don't need to try. You either or you are not. Your attitude is what's holding you back. Let go. Stop trying to control everything. Sometimes some people will be receptive and sometimes they won't. The more you try to control the world the less control you have over yourself.

February 17, 2011

Elswyth, the problem I'm having with this concept is that it would mean that I am below that girls minimum standards and that her being alone is a better looking option than giving me a chance. Then it makes me wonder what is so wrong about me to be below somebodies minimum standards.

I would really question your self-esteem if you feel your total self-worth is based on how girls reject and accept you.

February 17, 2011

I would really question your self-esteem if you feel your total self-worth is based on how girls reject and accept you.

Yes that is a key issue, that I have yet to figure out how to change. It controls who I am, my attitude and how I see the world.

February 17, 2011

Yes that is a key issue, that I have yet to figure out how to change. It controls who I am, my attitude and how I see the world.

I understand that it's quite tough. I used to have that feeling through my teens, due to being passed over by the few low-life guys that I knew (was in a girls' school then, so didn't know very many) in their search for the 'hottest girl in class'.

Several years later, and having been with a few MUCH better men, I now realize that I would not have been happy with those high-school guys to begin with, because they were, frankly, below MY standards. And I wonder what made me feel sad about being not wanted by low-lives like them. It took getting to know a lot more men, and going out into the world, for me to realize that.

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Woman: A right to be sad about being single if she's rejected every guy who's asked?

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