TruthSetsYouFree Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I posted this in another area, but thought I'd see what people on this forum have to say. I have read on several other websites that in general, when people cheat they tend to "affair down". (I emphasized "in general" as, with everything else in life, there are always the outlier exceptions.) Basically, what this means is that the person someone cheats with tends not to be as attractive, interesting, engaging, etc. as the primary partner who is being cheated on. In the three cases in which I have been cheated on, I was shocked at who my now ex-es decided to cheat with. I wouldn't have thought they would have even noticed the other women twice let alone done anything with them! Has anyone else found this to be the case?
Pawi Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I think it's an individual as it can be. If anything I would think that the OM/OW would likely embody many of the same traits that initally attracted them to their BS. I was a WS and my OM was more attractive, wealthier, educated and worldly then my spouse which would make you think I'd cheated up but OM was also a charming, caniving narcissist which when compared to my well meaning, commitment offering H is dating down.
Author TruthSetsYouFree Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks for replying, Pawi. There was a much earlier thread on this site about women cheating "hotter" and men cheating "uglier". http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244068/
JaneyAmazed Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 My xOM couldn't have been any more different from my H - physically or intellectually, etc. We really started out as friends. I remember I wasn't attracted to him at first. The more I got to know him, the more attracted I became... but I think with him it was more about the emotional connection. Looking back on it now, I was starving for attention.
StoneCold Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I have read on several other websites that in general, when people cheat they tend to "affair down". (I emphasized "in general" as, with everything else in life, there are always the outlier exceptions.) Basically, what this means is that the person someone cheats with tends not to be as attractive, interesting, engaging, etc. as the primary partner who is being cheated on. I'm curious how this was substantiated... looks are obvious but everything else wont really show like personality (while they were with them.. not after things got ugly)
TinaniT Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) I posted this in another area, but thought I'd see what people on this forum have to say. I have read on several other websites that in general, when people cheat they tend to "affair down". (I emphasized "in general" as, with everything else in life, there are always the outlier exceptions.) Basically, what this means is that the person someone cheats with tends not to be as attractive, interesting, engaging, etc. as the primary partner who is being cheated on. In the three cases in which I have been cheated on, I was shocked at who my now ex-es decided to cheat with. I wouldn't have thought they would have even noticed the other women twice let alone done anything with them! Has anyone else found this to be the case? I don't think this is true in general. (Nor would I think the opposite were true in general). In most the affairs I know the women were of similar looks to the wife or better looking. As to personality, I would imagine that would be hard for me to judge as you would get different answers from OW friends verse BW friends - I will say they had more in common from an interest standpoint. When my ex husband cheated, she was significantly less attractive than me. Worse yet, he told her so and called her too old etc I remember wishing that she had at least been more attractive than me, though I'm sure it doesn't matter in the end. My opinion is that men don't change what or who they are attracted to... and there are probably quite a few similarities in all partners (in any type of a relationship) for that reason. I was surprised how much my fiance's ex and myself are alike from a personality standpoint. It's more clear every time we talk. Some stark differences, yes, but some of that is different backgrounds and 20 years of difference in age. Still very much alike. Edited February 15, 2011 by TinaniT
OWoman Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 My opinion is that men don't change what or who they are attracted to... and there are probably quite a few similarities in all partners (in any type of a relationship) for that reason. I'm not sure about this. I've physically very different from my H's xW - we're different shapes, different sizes, different hair and eye colour, different shape face, dress very differently, different pitch voice... - and we're very different personalities too. All we have in common is that we work in the same broad area, and that we were both attracted to the same man. WRT the OP - my H certainly didn't "affair down"; he had to deal in IC with his conviction that I was way too good for him and that all he deserved was on the calibre of his xW. Even now he still sometimes shakes his head and wonders how he ever got so lucky...
PeachyPink Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 From what I have learned, a person cheats to replace something missing within them, not their spouse. So to make the comparison between lover and spouse is a non sequitur.
katielee Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I look totally different than OM's wife. She's younger, but very plain. OM is a younger version of my husband, physically.
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I posted this in another area, but thought I'd see what people on this forum have to say. I have read on several other websites that in general, when people cheat they tend to "affair down". (I emphasized "in general" as, with everything else in life, there are always the outlier exceptions.) Basically, what this means is that the person someone cheats with tends not to be as attractive, interesting, engaging, etc. as the primary partner who is being cheated on. In the three cases in which I have been cheated on, I was shocked at who my now ex-es decided to cheat with. I wouldn't have thought they would have even noticed the other women twice let alone done anything with them! Has anyone else found this to be the case? It depends on the reason they are cheating, I think. If you want to be sexually desired, or admired by your peers for being sexually desired, you may hope to have that in a hotter, younger partner, intellect and personality not all as important as willing. If you need to be validated, admired, or to feel very important, you may find yourself attracted to a sweet, but less educated, less personable, less fun, than the partner you have at home, hence affairing down. You feel superior to that person, and that may be the ego boost you need. I think the attraction to another is based on what you need.
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 It depends on the reason they are cheating, I think. If you want to be sexually desired, or admired by your peers for being sexually desired, you may hope to have that in a hotter, younger partner, intellect and personality not all as important as willing. If you need to be validated, admired, or to feel very important, you may find yourself attracted to a sweet, but less educated, less personable, less fun, than the partner you have at home, hence affairing down. You feel superior to that person, and that may be the ego boost you need. I think the attraction to another is based on what you need. Yep! I could not agree more
Quiet Storm Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree, Spark. I also think in the case of serial cheaters, they just go with what's available. They go fishing, they cast many lines and wait to see who bites. They'll pursue the one they feel they have the best chance with.
greengoddess Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I'm curious how this was substantiated... looks are obvious but everything else wont really show like personality (while they were with them.. not after things got ugly) Here's is one way. I think the personality of someone willing to play second fiddle and cheat with a married man is vastly different than that of someone who would never be on the side of a primary relationship.
Author TruthSetsYouFree Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 I think you all make very valid points. Of course, each situation is different. Thanks for all your replies!
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree, Spark. I also think in the case of serial cheaters, they just go with what's available. They go fishing, they cast many lines and wait to see who bites. They'll pursue the one they feel they have the best chance with. Serial cheating is about empowerment, believe it or not. And I am not sure why that is....It has to do with power and control, so I have to assume they feel powerless in life?
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Here's is one way. I think the personality of someone willing to play second fiddle and cheat with a married man is vastly different than that of someone who would never be on the side of a primary relationship. Well, lots written on that issue too! In many instances, it is a lack of self-esteem, developed in childhood, that can make anyone vulnerable to the attentions of someone from the opposite sex finding them desirable whether they are married or not.
OWoman Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Here's is one way. I think the personality of someone willing to play second fiddle and cheat with a married man is vastly different than that of someone who would never be on the side of a primary relationship. what if the person willing to play "second fiddle" and be on the side of the primary R is the BW, and the primary R is with the OW?
blissfullyoblivious Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 It depends on the reason they are cheating, I think. If you want to be sexually desired, or admired by your peers for being sexually desired, you may hope to have that in a hotter, younger partner, intellect and personality not all as important as willing. If you need to be validated, admired, or to feel very important, you may find yourself attracted to a sweet, but less educated, less personable, less fun, than the partner you have at home, hence affairing down. You feel superior to that person, and that may be the ego boost you need. I think the attraction to another is based on what you need. I am very smart and pretty. Where do I fit in?
OWoman Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I am very smart and pretty. Where do I fit in? With most OWs I know IRL.
anne1707 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I know I affaired down - strength of character, intelligence, integrity, looks, age, even height and weight Yet the ex-OM obviously thought I had affaired up in the things he said about himself and my H
blissfullyoblivious Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I know I affaired down - strength of character, intelligence, integrity, looks, age, even height and weight Yet the ex-OM obviously thought I had affaired up in the things he said about himself and my H You really have come a long way. I recently read one of your threads and the below excerpt nearly made me tear up. "You can see my earlier post for background but basically I am trying to deal with the end of an affair. I want to make my marriage work but I need to deal with my feelings for the OM. Four weeks ago, I said I could not leave my husband so we stopped seeing each other. But we work together and right up until the point when I said I would leave my husband to be with him, he was encouraging me to do that eg sending me texts saying he wanted to spend his life with me, telling me he loved me. He then tells me has subsequently met someone else and that he loves her. In hindsight, I realised he used exactly the same words as me in telling me he could not give me what I wanted. Though in the time all this was coming out, he told me that he had only that week opted not to do something as it would mean he would not be able to see me as much and he kissed me. Trying to get through work this week has been terrible. He refuses to talk about us though will be quite pleasant if talking work or anything else. He knows I still love him and yesterday he was obviously happy to see me and told me I looked lovely when we were alone. Yet when I responded, he told me I was making him uncomfortable at work. His behaviour at times has almost been as if he is the one who has been hurt this week, not me. Why does he encourage me to leave to be with him and then say he can't do it? How can he love someone else so quickly? Only 3/4 days earlier he was telling me he loved me and that was when he and I were not seeing each other. Why does he say/do things which even now indicate that he still loves me? And then get upset when I reciprocate. I even suspect that this new woman is also married. How do I get over this? What is he trying to do? "
anne1707 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Blissfully It feels so strange to see that extract from my past. It seems like a lifetime ago. The ex-OM and I still work together. He has also since married the woman he started seeing in the aftermath of our split. Now I look at him and think "what on earth did I see in him" yet I also realise that even now he will eye me up in an appreciative manner. All that does now is make think how sad and empty he is and also how unfair this is on his new wife (especially as even now he is so openly critical of women of a similar build to his wife).
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I am very smart and pretty. Where do I fit in? Me too! FBS here......go figure!
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Blissfully It feels so strange to see that extract from my past. It seems like a lifetime ago. The ex-OM and I still work together. He has also since married the woman he started seeing in the aftermath of our split. Now I look at him and think "what on earth did I see in him" yet I also realise that even now he will eye me up in an appreciative manner. All that does now is make think how sad and empty he is and also how unfair this is on his new wife (especially as even now he is so openly critical of women of a similar build to his wife). Annie, so honest...... My Hs xOW is now also seeing another man (God! I hope he is single or D!). And she made a point of breaking NC, and asking my H if he thought she was a good person, and asking him if she should pursue this new relationship, 2.5 years after DDAY! Jeez, haven't you figured it out yet, for yourself?????????????????
carrie999 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I'm not sure about this. I've physically very different from my H's xW - we're different shapes, different sizes, different hair and eye colour, different shape face, dress very differently, different pitch voice... - and we're very different personalities too. All we have in common is that we work in the same broad area, and that we were both attracted to the same man. WRT the OP - my H certainly didn't "affair down"; he had to deal in IC with his conviction that I was way too good for him and that all he deserved was on the calibre of his xW. Even now he still sometimes shakes his head and wonders how he ever got so lucky... Very interesting question, and my response is very similar to yours, OWoman. BS and I are very different in many ways. We're most similar in the fact that we are low-maintenance in terms of appearance, and we have the same sense of humor. Beyond that, I'm athletic and rugged and outdoorsy, whereas she is a homebody. My interests in terms of hobbies and work closely mirror those of the man we both love. Another big difference is that while she is very loving and sweet, she's emotionally very high-maintenance; she needs a lot of attention day-to-day, and tends to unload at length about every minor frustration of her day. When he is upset about something big and tells her, he finds himself consoling her by the end of the conversation. It's wonderful that she cares so deeply, but she is not part of his support system. Ultimately, he feels like he needs to take care of her, and is left to deal with everything for them both. So he's not "affairing up or down" but has found someone who is a friend, first and foremost. When we first got close, he confided in me about a very serious and intense family situation that brought him to tears, and I just listened while my heart broke for him. That part was easier for me since I hadn't lived through it like she had, but it's also a key difference between me and her. And even through ups and downs with him and our relationship, and our fears and anxieties about everything, we take turns...one falls apart while the other takes over, and vice versa. It's a wonderful dynamic that is hard to find even in a close friend. And the list goes from there...we're just more compatible, emotionally, physically, and in terms of interests than he ever was with her. In my case, my fiance was just as much on "equal" standing with him. In fact, I should have led with this. Let's be completely superficial for a moment. On paper, my fiance may be more desirable to many women. He will soon be making at least double what MM does. He is a professional triathlete...very attractive and fit. Moving off the superficial front, his family is wonderful and close and adopted me immediately. But the fact is the same with them as it is with me and his BW. He understands me better, and we have more in common, and he became one of the best friends I've ever had in a very short time. So in both cases I know (we're the only two people I know who have had affairs), nobody is trading up or down in terms of looks, intelligence, or money. We are "affairing up" in the sense that we have both found another person who fulfills our needs better, emotionally, physically, and in every other sense.
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