Free spirit86 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I feel so emotionally exhausted today...I can't think about anything else but this relationship. I keep trying to distract myself with thoughts of future possibilities but I find myself back to thoughts of him. I guess this is normal but I just don't feel like doing anything else. This is why I wanted to stay single! You know they say when you are not looking you find love? Well, I was not ****ing looking and I found something special and now its over, and I just don't want to deal with this pain. A part of me wishes I could feel nothing and it would make this transition so much easier. I don't want to come back here its too painful! I fear that, I fear what these kinds of things do me on a personal level. Will I love again? Sure, but I feel less and less interested in dating. Dating seems scary too. I definitely do not want to be intimate with anyone who I don't have feelings for-that I can say for sure. I feel so much loss. Feel so much longing. I can't even focus on my studies because of this breakup. I feel at war. I am hopeful but just feels so awful knowing its over. Its too much. It's too heavy. I don't feel strong enough to carry the weight of this breakup. I think there was so much resistance on both of our ends...I don't know how it became what it became. It wasn't so terrible, besides relationships need tension. We needed to be honest. It could have only worked if both of us were believing and willing to do what was needed. I want him still. For all the same reasons I wanted him in the first place. I wish life was simpler. I wish relationships and the dynamics that play out were much simpler. Maybe I need to face somethings I didn't like about him. I rarely criticized him. I was on guard at times with him. Was it his beauty? Was it his charm? I found myself distrusting him for whatever reason. My feelings were right. Should I have left then? I suppose I would have felt less heartbreak and could have moved on to greener pastures. But he is so alluring. I like being with him. I think about his laugh. I think about how loving he was. He was the complete opposite from my other ex. I guess I will be able to find something like that again, but for now I am not looking. I still have so much desire. I am still pining. Still hoping that if some time passes he will reconsider. What is the point? Could I return to him after this? After how he makes me feel now? I feel so crazy thinking about it. I sometimes think about what I would say if given the chance to do this again. What would I do differently? What kind of person would I be then? I guess I would understand his concerns a bit more-at least try, but I just don't feel like he gave me a chance to address some of those concerns. I feel that I was entirely upfront with him about everything about me from my bad habits to my strengths, I tried to be as honest as possible. I feel like I did show him that I could stand on my own. I asked several times about making money even if under the table, nevertheless, that says I want to contribute. I want to work. I don't want to put you in this position to support me. I thought he understood me. I finally thought the last time we got back together that he understood what I may have been going through. I am just not of the belief that I will be perfect. I will always have flaws. I will always do things that are annoying. I will probably always say stupid things. I just am who I am. I don't try to hide it. I feel like so much of this has to do with money. I wish that wasn't a factor but it feels that way. I feel like he didn't really try to get to know me. He says I ask for help too much. What? Where did he get that from? I know what I want. I don't want to be a party girl. I don't want to sleep around. I don't want to play games. I want to have a nice life. A simple life with some surprises. I want to have adventure. I want to be fully loved. I want honesty. I want some who will be there through the hard times. I want loyalty. I want to laugh. I want to be held. I want to feel safe. I want to be challenged. I just have to push myself in that direction. I had some insecurities with Greg, which in a way he caused but in a way I caused by digging. I just like this guy. I cannot deny that. I cannot deny my attraction to him. He isn't all that but neither am I. But I felt something like I never felt with him. It was so easy to be with him. When we first actually met. It was so easy.It was relaxed. It was smooth. It was nice. It was dangerous. It was scary. It was lovely. I felt like I could have a relaxed life with him despite some under developed aspects in my own life. I thought he would stay and work them out with me. I know I am a whole person and I don't need anyone. I know that. But I WANT someone. I want that love again. I felt like we were finding reasons not to be together...why? I think it was scary for us both. I remember before I went to Switzerland asking what he was like to live with...he said he was pretty easy going from what I can remember. It didn't feel that way when I was there. I guess that is why he said recently that he felt like he couldn't relax. Wasn't that his choice though? He could have relaxed and not have been on my back so much, thinking too much, testing everything I did. It was a test and didn't like that. How could I be down to earth with this man checking off everything little thing I did wrong. It just didn't seem like he highlighted my strengths. Now, I don't think his apartment was ever dirty when he arrived home from work sure somethings were not always completed-my fault, but for the most it was nice. It was never cluttered. I organized things. I tried to impress him and take care of him by making dinner from scratch. I didn't ask for money so I don't see why he said he felt used. Ahhhh money!!! I would never use him for money. I care so much for him-I am not a ****ing gold digger! How could he say that after I worked my ass off for Australia. How could he say that I wasn't willing to put in the effort? Is he kidding? There was so much pressure because he created it. Of course I was thinking seriously about being with him in Switzerland. How could he think I wasn't?!! I really love that country. But I was so overwhelmed and intimated by the experience. I loved Australia so much as well. I don't say that things weren't difficult but surely they could have been overcome. I hate being 24. I hate being bad with money. I hate feeling like someone is telling me to go live my life and get some more experience just count me out, huh? He made it seem like I had no real life experiences. I really hate that!!! I lived before him. I had a long term relationship-before him, which was crazy and I learned a great deal from it. I partied. I went school for awhile. I have had many many many experiences. But when I fall for someone. I fall so hard. He made such an impression on me. I think I did on him too, but not in the same way. I guess that separates us in terms of age and sensibility. I am not as sensible as Greg is. I live for the thrills. Maybe I don't take life seriously enough? I just feel worn out from this break up. The range of emotions go from extreme happiness to extreme sadness. Sometimes, I feel at peace and sometimes I feel mad. I just feel like this meant so much to me. That's why I put so much effort in making it happen. I know I don't need Greg to make me happy but I want Greg in my life as a special person. He just isn't someone I want passing through but I guess he is. He got what he came for...and now I am left without what I want from him. I now just want to think good thoughts of him despite the fact that I cannot talk to him or see him. I don't want to have any hard feelings. I am okay with being alone but I don't want to be single. I hate when people say things like "go enjoy being single!" I am like okay if I wanted to be single I would be single. I mean we choose whether to be with someone or not. I wasn't forced into this relationship or they say things like "you will find someone better or "you will love again" I am like okay "duh I know that!!!" but that is not the point. The point is I don't want to be single and I want to be with particular person because they ignite something in me that I enjoy feeling. I enjoy laughing, exploring, dancing, being silly, being playful, making love, kissing, talking, with this particular person. I like Greg! I don't like anyone else. I don't want to **** anyone else. I don't want it. No interest with having sex with anyone else but him. I just feel so sick thinking about someone else touching me. I just don't have the will to go on dates. Go **** someone I don't care about? That part of my life is over. It's done. I have other interest that have more substance. I want a deep, meaningful, loving, caring, supportive,nurturing, relationship. That is what I want in my life right now. Anyways, there is not more to it than that. I guess I can keep going over and over what happened but it won't solve anything. Greg probably will not come back to me. I just don't see it the way he does and I have to accept that. I have to accept his decision. I just don't want to label it as this fun casual relationship. It meant more to me.
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