Married.. and in love with another man...desperately hoping he will come back

[lbarker]

My story is pretty ugly but unfortunately that still leaves me totally messed up.

I have been married 10 years with two kids, now 10 and 6 years old. 8 Years ago I worked with someone with whom I found an instant attration -- he felt the same way. Unfortunately, he was married as well with kids. Nevertheless we had an short affair - I was totally in love with him. He stopped calling and several months later quit his job and I never heard from him again.

Until last March. He called and we started talking again. Several months later we met for lunch and I knew I was still in love with him. We started getting very close, talking several times a day and after work. We escaped to a weekend in San Francisco and the rest was history. He told me that he has carried me in his heart for all these years and that he loved me. The reason he left me 8 years ago is that he was so afraid of going through another divorce, because his children suffered a lot.

He was still afraid -- but we started having a very intense relationship. It was the best releationship I have ever had. We would meet for coffee in the morning, talk several times during the day, talk after work and spend every Friday together loving each other from morning until the late afternoon. He told me that I was his soul mate, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that if he could change one thing in his life it would be to wait for me. He carried me on his hands. For six months he has made those type of intense love proclamations. We were very happy. But he also suffered great guilt over a pending divorce, leaving his wife and his 15 year old son, and disappointing his family again over a divorce.

In comes drama ---- I discover I am pregnant (and he has been fixed!!!!!) What a chance of that happening. Then things happened pretty fast. He tells his wife he want a divorce. Next week he is having serious medical problems thinking he may have lung cancer. For 3 weeks he barely called and we did not even see each other. I tried to be supportive but he was emotionally completely "tapped out". And he could offer no emotional help with my pregnancy. Under complete duress I finally decided I could not go through with the pregnancy. I was a total mess. After three weeks of a complete change in his attitude, I finally left some desperate messages. The next day he called and told me that "he could not do this anymore" and "it has to "stop". He informed me that he realizes he is still in love with his wife and wants to work it out. ..And that "it will never happen again".

This happened 3 days before I was having the abortion. I was stunned. After thinking about it later, I thought that maybe his wife was in the room to verify that he was breaking it off with me.

I love him so much and am so confused. My questions are 1) how can anyone change his mind completely in two weeks from wanting to divorce his wife to dumping me 2) do you think he is coming back or am I a total jerk?

I have not contacted him since he broke up with me two weeks ago and have not heard from him. How long should I give him to reconsider?

[sportsloving]

You failed to mention what you planned to do with your marriage?

 

Are you that unhappy with your husband and the life you have that you are willing/able to go out on your own without this other man? Or if this other man never calls again... do you stay with the hubby?

 

I don't think you should worry about the other man. I think you should worry about you, your marriage and yep, your husband.

 

I understand that this other guy and you were in love, I also understand that he has a lot going on with him and maybe the medical scare did wake him up and make him choose between you and the fling you had... or his wife and children. If you were faced with the same, what is your choice?

 

And whose baby is it you wanted/did abort? Your husbands or your boyfriends? If it was your husbands, did he know and did he have any choices at all? Does your husband know any of this?

[lbarker]

Very wise comment. Yes, indeed my husband found out at the beginning of January that I have been having an affair. He was very distraught with my unfaithfulness. But I have not been happy in my marriage and have stayed here for the sake of the children for many years. My husband and I have not been intimate for a long time - so yes I am sure it was by lover's child. To answer your other question is that I had no doubts about getting divorced and being together with my lover forever. The reality of that of course is much tougher to swallow, when you have your kids asking whether I am dumping daddy. There is no easy answer. My husband has been very understanding and supportive but I don't have any desire for him anymore. My lover and I discussed this question often: is it right to hurt so many people just for us to be together? I hear in your message that same accusation. Thx for your thoughts.

[befuddled11]

I think if I read one more post from a cheater who justifies their remaining married, but having an affair, "for the sake of the children", I'm going to barf up a lung.

 

Funny, you claim to have thought of your children, which is why you have not been decent and honorable enough to divorce your poor husband and put him out of his sure misery....yet you had no problem taking the life of your unborn child, an innocent life that was created through no choice of his or her own. Where was your concern for *that* child?

 

My condolences to your husband, that guy's wife (she's no doubt suffered), your children (who don't exactly have a great role model when it comes to what marriage is supposed to be about), and your unborn child that you chose to conveniently snuff out.

[sportsloving]

Actually, I wasn't being accusing, I was merely asking questions... for a better understanding of the situation. So still yet again, your boyfriend ... I don't know another word for him, but he was dealt a medical condition that made him choose between his wife and children or you... obviously we know his answer. What would yours be?

 

I also believe I asked if you were willing to strike out on your own, you made it clear you would with this man... why can you not do that on your own?

 

And that is all my questions I think.

[xgd]

Lbarker.. you are a

[SoleMate]

How long should I give him to reconsider?

I would say, ZERO time. You already paid the price and felt forced to abort your child. Your marriage has problems, but just look...your husband is there for you, your lover ISN'T! What is love?

 

do you think he is coming back or am I a total jerk?

He may be back, and I hope you give him a big raspberry. Either rebuild with your husband (<URL removed>), or toss them both and head out alone. But don't give this loser/user/lover the time of day ever again, let alone your heart/body/soul.

[overseas2004]

Definately a jerk and you need to dump him. He was not there for you when you were pregnant. You know it is really easy to tell someone you love them when you are having great sex and laying on the bed all day friday. It is hard to stick by them and show them that you love them when the times get tough. He has showed you exactly what he feels for you... Not much sorry to say.

[leilab]

It's funny how our mind will not let us accept things until we are ready to deal with them. In my case I guess I am just not ready to put him into the "loser dump him" category. I guess at the very foundation of my being I cannot believe how a person can express such love, affection and certainty that they want to be with you--- and change so drastically. He had told me that his wife that she thinks they can work it out - and based on the guilty feelings he always voiced about going through another divorce- I still need to believe that he feels obligated to work things out. And by trying to work things out, he will be able to get his mind and emotions sorted out and realize that we cannot live without each other.

 

1 day of no contact and I thought he had lost his mind

1 week of no contact and I thought he would call

3 weeks of no contact and I am considering the possibility that he is a MM and all the description found in these threads but hoping I am wrong

3 months - maybe I'll be certain

 

In the meanwhile I do realize that I owe my husband a separation because I just canot find my way back to him. And I have known that for a long time. He deserves someone that will love him 100 percent -- and I cannot do that. He is a great guy & wonderful father -- I am just not emotionally,physically, spiritually here for him. I can ponder what love is and continue to come up empty. I still feel that deep down inside you need to have passion for your spouse. Without it I'm afraid it cannot work for me. We are now trying to work out how to separate and make it work for the kids which we both adore.

 

As for the question about if I had a serious illness - I would want to spend the last time being as happy as I could be --yes with the MM and my kids.

[Skittles]

I guess at the very foundation of my being I cannot believe how a person can express such love, affection and certainty that they want to be with you--- and change so drastically

 

 

leilab, I know this is very confusing ...but it has been my experience watching a g/f firsthand go through the mm thing, that the mm really believes he loves her...What I have seen is that mm really loves the sex with her and is confusing the euphoria.

 

 

I can safely say that alot of these guys are on some kind of internal restructuring that sweeps up and alot of times destroys whoever and whatever is in their path...Usually the bs and ow. It's the Bermuda triangle of relationships....fly-over and get lost, disappear, never to be seen or heard from again...

 

My g/f's mm said he loved her, she was his life, he was so happy he had found her...blah blan...but goes back and forth between her and the bs...Now he is building a house for his bs....

 

I say and have said, to answer your question how can a person change so drastically...Only his words have hollowed out...they don't coincide with his behavior or actions....Want a know what a man is thinking??? Watch what he is doing..

 

 

 

Sorry leilab ......he is not worthy of your love.

[jmargel]

Read my post in the Other men / women forum. This guy was never going to be with you. He used you as a booty call. There were no meanings behind his words, and he probably was never fixed. He just didn't want to use a condom.

 

I can guarantee he's cheated on his wife before with other women too. You aren't the first or the last.

 

But you deserve this. You took the easy way out. You didn't try counciling with your husband. The reason why you two have problems is because you have a lack of communication, and respect. The respect part is not his problem but you for cheating.

 

For your children's sake don't stay in a marriage. Its more important for them to realize you need to be honest and make yourself happy, then let them grow up with a false sense of security. All they will do is resent you for that.

 

You will get no sympathy for me or many others. The only reason why your husband is trying to be understanding is because he loves you and its his way of showing it. I feel bad for that guy. You need to grow up and do the right thing.

[leilab]

Several months later - To be exact 2months laterafter my breakup with my MM.

 

Yes, I did consider all your comments on focusing on my marriage and my kids. Hubby and I have talked for the last several months; even separate counseling. We were contemplating a trial separation as the last resort. I was not sure that it would work as I am still emotionally involved with my MM. But I did hear your comments on "living a life of authenticity".

 

Well, easier said than done. You all wonder why MM/MW do not end their marriages, or why we stay. And here is the answer. Even if you give your situation a lot of thought, and you know that you need to leave, the relationship is dead, and you know that you need to get out - THEY WILL NOT LET YOU GO. I think my spouse has used every possible method you can think of to keep me from them leaving, including guilt, fear, threats, kids, family and making me believe that it was not love, just infatuation. Now that everything else has failed, he wants to take me to the cleaners.

 

He wants child support, alimony, lawyer fees, the possession of the house...etc...

And yes, I am the primary caretaker of the kids. They spend over 85% of their time with me. I wonder if he would drop the divorce, if I told him that I love him and want to work things out.

 

That is why so many MM stay. NO WAY OUT - Dead end ahead.

 

I think I have gone from depressed over my breakup with MM to just plain numb.

 

Any comments?

[whatswrong23]

You don't want him anymore do you? Then stop waffling and using excuses and get yourself a job and just PAY FOR YOUR PART IN THIS DRAMA. Thats it. You wouldn't be the first woman to have to do it. What, you thought that you could just lie around with another man while you still have the comfort of a home, money, and children and an UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND? Whatever! You sound just like a trifling man...I can't leave she wants the house, the kids, how can I pay for the lawyers, etc. Maybe you should have divorced him BEFORE you started running around. Easy solution...get a job, 2 jobs if you have to, stop bsing and GET DIVORCED!

[leilab]

Whatwrong23 - I guess you did not read the post

 

I do have a job - matter of fact I have done all the work for the last 10 years. I had an excellent job, a condo and lot of money prior to meeting my husband. He move into my condo and I paid off his credit cards ($10,000). Then I became pregnant. During my maternity leave I finished my masters degree.

 

BECAUSE I have such a good job, I only work 4 days/week. And for the last 10 years I spent my Fridays off taking care of the kids. They are with me 85% of the time, even though I work full time. I pick them up them up everyday and they are with me. Dad works and comes home not before 7 p.m.

 

Yes, I had an affair and I take full responsibility for not being true to my vows. But what I have done for the last 10 years is ONLY take care of the kids - the marriage deteriorated into nothingness. I cannot revive the marriage - but the kids have been my life for the last 10 years.

 

I know you guys are sick of hearing about staying for the kids but that is why I have been in the marriage. And until I had my affair, I had completely forgotten how happy I could be individually.

[whatswrong23]

more excuses....I was on the receiving end of someone like you....just get divorced! Like your kids don't notice that mommy doesn't love daddy and mommy crying over her boyfriend....my daughter knew it and she was only three....lame excuses. Figure something out for joint custody and just stop playing with everyone's life because "you are in for the kids".....thats why there is not much stigma attached to divorce anymore...so people can stop screwing their lives up "for the kids".

[supermom]

I hate it when women use abortion as birth control.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I just don't see an excuse for it. I am totally against it and do not respect women who do it

 

It's just my opinion..........

[whatswrong23]

and if you are with your kids so much, where did you find the time to meet another guy with work and taking care of your children, and get pregnant from him? Please don't tell me that you take your kids with you....see, thats part of my ex's problem....he had a selfish mom and grandma too and they would do that crap. How are children supposed to respect you when you are living a lie and making them a part of it too? Do you instruct your children on morality and manners? I wonder what do you tell them and whether they see you as a hypocrite or not. Or maybe they think that it is okay to treat someone like that just as long as "you don't love them anymore". Which leaves people like me stuck with your child who is now a cheating spouse that doesn't have enough backbone to get off their butts and grow up and face reality and save everyone the trouble of having to figure out what the heck is wrong with them! Its ridiculous....you sound like a trifling guy that wants his cake and ice cream too.

[whatswrong23]

I wonder, if YOUR husband was treating YOU like that would you stay? You might want to think about his feelings. Of course if someone loves you they will try to do everything possible that they can to keep you there with them. But if you really truly don't love them, will any of their tactics work? No, they won't. You and your husband need separate counseling because you need help to figure out why you would want to subject someone to emotional torture like this and he needs the counseling to help him figure out why he would bend over backwards for someone who obviously doesn't want them. There are issues on both spectrums here that need to be dealt with. And one thing I learned from my cheating ex, if a man cheats on his wife with a married woman, he is not likely to marry her (this is what he said) because no one wants a cheating wife. How ridiculous does that sound! I'm just telling you what might be in the mind of your married man and why you are having problems with him. After we divorced he told me that his mistresses never got the point that all they were there for was for a good time and a quickie when I wouldn't do it and to stroke his ego. He asked me if I heard the words "I want to marry you or make you my girlfriend" out of that deal! He said that "they didn't know their place". So, maybe you might need to go on and separate and be by yourself to figure out what YOU want and how to go about having a life that you can be proud of and finding true happiness with someone that YOU love that LOVES YOU TOO!