Mostly moved on, but should I tell her how I feel?

[VanCan06]

Hey, been browsing here a few times for advice and decided to finally ask a question, y'all seem pretty friendly and helping so I'm hoping you can give me some in site.

 

I'll try and make this as short as I can haha... basically, I'm not sure how I should go about trying to reconcile with my ex girlfriend. We broke up a month ago and a half ago.

Background: We were in an 8 month relationship, everything was perfect, never fought, always had fun together, were spontaneous and adventurous all the time, and everything seemed so perfect. Fast forward to her going on Christmas vacation to visit her family, she left, everything was pretty good. She was only gone for 2 weeks, and when she came back acted distant for the first week, and we broke up.

 

Basically she said she was too stressed for a relationship right now. I thought it was a weird reason, but I understand why she would be stressed if that were the case. She said she would have mentioned a break instead, but I told her early on in the relationship I thought breaks were unnecessary and it was basically all or nothing (Maybe bad thing to say?).

So after a week I contacted her, telling her I supported her, and hoped she would feel less stress later on, and maybe we could work something out the future (wasn't pushy or anything because I didn't want to push her away). Another two weeks go by and she contacts me because she is feeling really down about something personal and needed to talk to me because I was the only person who knew about it. So I talk to her, and she says I made her feel way better etc etc.

So I thought that was a good step forward. I followed up a few days later making sure she was still feeling OK, and never got a response back. Finally a week later we chat for 10minutes online (we've talked about 4-5 times since the break up, but not about the break up itself, or memories or anything, just random stuff, I kept it short and happy.

 

The thing is, I don't exactly want to be 'friends' right now, it's hard to go from talking everyday, to not even once a week, with someone you really love and care for. The break up wasn't because any fight or cheating (or so I've been told...), so I have no reason to be angry really, which kinda makes this harder. I would love to work it out, but it would take time. I feel like I will just been stuck in an endless loop if I say nothing. So far I have gone 9 days without contact after our last short convo. I'm not making myself available anymore to talk as I figure that's the best way. I'm not upset anymore really. I miss her, and I walk past places which spark memories and feel kinda down for a few minutes, but overall I feel good about it, and I am not/never pleaded her to comeback, I just took it casual. But If stress is the only reason she broke up, I feel like she is someone worth trying again with as our time together was great, and she is really perfect for me.

 

So should I just continue NC if/until she contacts me? Or maybe in another 2 weeks check how she's doing? After school semester ends in April here, life should be less stressful for sure. Thanks in advance

Edited February 14, 2011 by VanCan06

[gator12]

I read it all and I am going to tell you to stay in NC. There is no reason to break it, you didn't beg or plead which makes you immensely more attractive to a woman. You need to stay in NC. And don't break it when she contacts you. Listen to me on this please, I tell this to everyone because it's true.

 

When she first breaks NC, it's just to see if you are still "there for her" which sound good but its not. It translates to being a safety net/back up. Immediately replying to her essentially puts you on the backburner as a backup boyfriend. You need to stay in NC, no matter what she says! This will only make you more attractive to her. You stay in NC until she tells you she wants a second chance, I promise you she will if she really wants to get back together with you. This is the only way to get back together.

 

Until she messages you with this, just live for you, you're doing good so far. Stay strong and use NC to fix any small issues you may have had during the relationship. You may have had a good relationship but there is always room for improvement.

 

Stay in NC until she comes back to you, don't bite on any crumb. Which will include anything from a "Hey" to an "I miss you" (but no mention of a relationship) to a "Why are you ignoring me" or being immature etc. All will try to goad you into talking to her. You CANNOT bite, I promise the best thing you will get from it is "I'm so glad we're friends again."

 

stay tough and listen to my advice,

-Gator

[VanCan06]

Hey Gator, Thanks for the advice, I actually browsed through your thread about your ex contacting you haha.

 

Yeah that's what I'll do. 9 days as of now, so I'm not starting from nowhere, and the longer it goes the less I even think about it because it's like restarting those days over again.

 

One catch, I have become very evolved with her family, her brother is a year younger but we are really good friends now. I still talk to him regularly, around twice or three times a week. He initiates the contact though, but I talk to him nicely all the time because I still enjoy contact with her family, and I don't feel the need to be rude to them by ignoring them for something they have no part in.

Is it still ok to talk to the family? I think if I act friendly and nice to them they will say good things about me, talk about me etc, and it shows I have no sour feelings and I'm mature about all this.

 

Note: she doesn't live with her family, but sees them once a week. Also, so not to add confusion, when I said she went away to visit her family for christmas, it was her dads side/more distant family. She lives close to her mom/brother.

[gator12]

Noo family is fine. One your ex doesn't live with them which definitly makes it easier. And two, the only thing your family will tell her is you are being nice. Just make sure a conversation with them never drifts towards her. For now you are doing a great job, just don't get accidentally roped in like I did with my ex. I've recovered pretty well but it definitly makes it difficult.

 

-Gator

[VanCan06]

Yeah that's what I think. It's funny cause I'll get a text from her brother saying something like "You should date ___ again!" .. Like it's my fault or decision lol. But at least it's good to know I am still respected in the family. NC seems like a best route right now. I actually have quite a bit on my plate right now as well, so it's not too bad. She said stuff like we need to get our lives on track before we can enjoy a great relationship together etc.. but that's her call I guess, and I'm not going to sit and wait.

[gator12]

Perfect attitude man, lol you'll be alright. Now if only I could give the attitude towards this we have to 90% of the other people on the site..

 

-Gator