Untouchable_Fire Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I spent some time with a "polyamorous" couple this weekend. I had to listen to them jabber on and on about how monogamy is unnatural and ruins relationships. I've been around couples like this before in the past, but I've never been forced to sit through their "Manifesto". I see this as a growing trend in relationships where I live, and the other people I was with almost seemed to listen in rapture as this couple talked about their lifestyle. They talk like monogamy exists because of negative emotions like jealousy and insecurity, and say that polyamory is not something for everyone... implying not everyone can overcome these negative emotions. I didn't want to ruin their moment, so I just sat quietly and listened. I don't believe them though. I watched them interact for 3 hours and it might fool other people, but I can see they are missing something. When they say that they do not believe in monogamy... I think what they mean is... they do not believe in Love. Their relationship looks paper-mâché to me. I think I could stick my finger right through, and find it hollow inside. I know that the mainstream culture is trying to sell us FWB's and Polyamory and all these great new ways to have sex without risking emotional attachment. God knows, I've been burned by getting emotionally attached many times before.... and I have my own ways of dealing with it. However, I still believe in Love. It doesn't take 10 people to fulfill my emotional needs, because I love myself too. How far are we willing to go as a society to avoid being hurt? Are we really ready to just throw in the towel and say real love isn't attainable?
melodymatters Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Ugh, caught myself looking for the Facebook " like" button ! So, instead, as a mature literate adult I will actually type out the words " I agree with you one hundred percent" !!!!!!!
Titania22 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I still believe in Love. It doesn't take 10 people to fulfill my emotional needs, because I love myself too. I feel the same way.
Sanman Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Having been in an open relationship, don't believe the hype. The reality is that it is hard to maintain a polyamorous relationship and jealousy and insecurity are much worse than in any monogamous relationship I have ever been in. Any polyamourous relationship is with real feelings has all the issues of a monogamous relationship amplified. If anything, I find monogamy to be easier.
Lovelybird Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I agree with you. I don't believe what they said either. I think there are often times human beings feel powerless, such as they may find out they lack of ability to trully love another person, instead of confronting that weakness, they bury their heads in the sand, just follow their lust and ignore their weaknesses. I guess their ultimate goal for life is happiness. If they think something will make them happy, they will try to get it even in the price of morality, or peace, or commitment, or love. Let's face it, commitment is not always easy thing, but hard work brings about good and true joy in the end.
irc333 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Funny how they're projecting...when it's really the Polyamory that's more the problem. Polyamory is just an excuse to be sexually promiscous, EVEN in wedlock. (which sickens me even further) I would have more respect for a single person that slept around than someone who is MARRIED and making a joke out of the relationship/marriage or whatever they're calling it. It's ironic how they are calling monogomy a joke. I am noticing a common theme among people who participate in this kind of behavior, they seem to begrudge people who do NOT particpate. (shame them), when it's really them who feel the guilt of their filthy lives. Same with people who begrudge people who don't drink or don't smoke pot, somehow the "clean" ones are the "Bad" ones in their eyes. I spent some time with a "polyamorous" couple this weekend. I had to listen to them jabber on and on about how monogamy is unnatural and ruins relationships. I've been around couples like this before in the past, but I've never been forced to sit through their "Manifesto". I see this as a growing trend in relationships where I live, and the other people I was with almost seemed to listen in rapture as this couple talked about their lifestyle. They talk like monogamy exists because of negative emotions like jealousy and insecurity, and say that polyamory is not something for everyone... implying not everyone can overcome these negative emotions. I didn't want to ruin their moment, so I just sat quietly and listened. I don't believe them though. I watched them interact for 3 hours and it might fool other people, but I can see they are missing something. When they say that they do not believe in monogamy... I think what they mean is... they do not believe in Love. Their relationship looks paper-mâché to me. I think I could stick my finger right through, and find it hollow inside. I know that the mainstream culture is trying to sell us FWB's and Polyamory and all these great new ways to have sex without risking emotional attachment. God knows, I've been burned by getting emotionally attached many times before.... and I have my own ways of dealing with it. However, I still believe in Love. It doesn't take 10 people to fulfill my emotional needs, because I love myself too. How far are we willing to go as a society to avoid being hurt? Are we really ready to just throw in the towel and say real love isn't attainable?
Intricategirl Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I had someone once tell me that they valued "honesty over faithfulness". I point blank asked them why they thought it was too much to ask for both. I didn't get an answer.
fishtaco Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I was friends with a polyamorous couple. They are legally married, but have an open marriage. The difference is that they don't flaunt it. In fact, they never told me they are, or tried to convert anyone. The only reason I knew was because my sister is better friends with them, and she told me. And because I'm my sister's brother, and my sister is their friend, I was off limits. I don't know the rules they have to make this open marriage work, but my perception from what little I know is they do have a set of rules they both go by. At the time they've been married for 14 years. As far I could tell, they seemed normal. I've lost touch with them because they are my sister's friends, and I tend to have my own friends. By comparison, one of my long time party friends got married about four years ago. Two months after the marriage, she called me up crying because she wanted a divorce. After a bitter four years of hanging on, they are finally getting a divorce. I know that during the marriage, she has had at least one episode of infidelity. Because I happen to know the guy she slept with... no not me. Although the thought did cross my mind after she was separated and moved out. After re-living the good old times by going out partying together one night, I was reminded why I stayed away from her. So I'm not going there. She's a fun drunk though. If the polyamorous couple don't know love, my party friend and her soon to be ex husband certainly don't know love either. At this point I'd say it's a function of the people themselves, and not their poly or mono amorous decision.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I believe in polyamorous dating, not in polyamorous relationship. A relationship implies exclusivity, dating and seeing " multiple" people doesn't necessitate to being faithful. With my girlfriend, we're both faithful to be each other's girlfriend but we've also agreed to see other and allow each other to date guys. But even while dating other guys, we make sure that no hanky panky were going on, until exclusivity.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I doesn't really compute to me. I've never been with anyone I would be OK with "turning out". And, I have been in some raucous sex situations where people were dropping trow and getting wild. I find it too cold for me. I don't get excited with the "impersonal" nature of that kind of thing. I do fantasize about an orgy scenario now and again but as always, I control the fantasy and it never involves an SO I care about. If someone is "selling it" in a discussion like the OP, it sounds like they "doth protest too much". I just want to be alone with someone I love or am very fond of and pour myself into that time. The rest of it is not for me.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree. I know some poly people, and while I try not to be judgmental about how they live their lives, they do all seem to have issues. I mean, I guess we all have issues, but the common thread I see with poly people is that they had a significant deficit of love in their childhood. I had a significant deficit of love in my childhood, too, but I am trying to be strong and learn to stand on my own two feet. It might be easy to let multiple men woo me and make me feel good about myself for a while, but I think that ultimately it would make me feel confused, sad, and empty.
Woggle Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Not everybody can be faithful and stick with only one person. Isn't it better that they be honest about it instead of cheating behind a person's and lying? If all parties are honest why not?
Feelin Frisky Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 If you have wee wee problems, this is your solution http://www.amazon.com/Super-Absorbant-Adult-Briefs-Diaper/dp/B0020ZD19U Hahahahahahahahahaha. How this relates to the thread I have no idea but lol @ wee wee.
Woggle Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Hahahahahahahahahaha. How this relates to the thread I have no idea but lol @ wee wee. He has posted the same thing in about six other threads.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 He has posted the same thing in about six other threads. I'm glad I'm not him.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Not everybody can be faithful and stick with only one person. Isn't it better that they be honest about it instead of cheating behind a person's and lying? If all parties are honest why not? Yes, I think that as long as no one is getting hurt or being deceived, live and let live.
aerogurl87 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I think for some people real love may seem unnattainable. I felt the same way till I met the two people who changed my views on that forever. First guy was my ex who showed me that it was possible for me to love someone unconditionally. Then I met my current boyfriend who showed me that I could be in love and have it be stable and feel safe and secure in it. And there's no way I could share my boyfriend and our special bond with outsiders. So I really don't get how people can claim to love multiple people at the same time. If you can do that, I don't think you're giving yourself fully to each person. If you were then you wouldn't need more than one person to love and love you back.
Titania22 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I think for some people real love may seem unnattainable. I felt the same way till I met the two people who changed my views on that forever. First guy was my ex who showed me that it was possible for me to love someone unconditionally. Then I met my current boyfriend who showed me that I could be in love and have it be stable and feel safe and secure in it. That's really beautiful. Thankyou for sharing with us. I have also had the loving unconditionally experience, and I am ready for the being in love and having it be stable and feel safe and secure experience. You could me hope that it is possible and maybe even on its way.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Not everybody can be faithful and stick with only one person. Isn't it better that they be honest about it instead of cheating behind a person's and lying? If all parties are honest why not? Is that really the choices? Why can't a woman or a man be faithful today? My experience with life is that those things which come easy are not valuable, while those things that I must work hard to achieve and maintain are that which is most precious. Why should my romantic life be easy and disposable? Why is everyone suddenly praised for taking the easy route? I believe in polyamorous dating, not in polyamorous relationship. A relationship implies exclusivity, dating and seeing " multiple" people doesn't necessitate to being faithful. With my girlfriend, we're both faithful to be each other's girlfriend but we've also agreed to see other and allow each other to date guys. But even while dating other guys, we make sure that no hanky panky were going on, until exclusivity. Dating and relationships do not have a hard and easily distinguishable line that separates them. At some point while dating you enter into a relationship. Be aware of where you are at all times if you choose this path. Practicing polyamory exacts an emotional price. When those who do it say "it isn't for everyone", what they mean is that you have to be capable of a certain amount of detachment. That detachment has side effects... and from what I've seen it slowly eats at your soul. If the polyamorous couple don't know love, my party friend and her soon to be ex husband certainly don't know love either. At this point I'd say it's a function of the people themselves, and not their poly or mono amorous decision. What is the difference between cheating and polyamory? You just put rules around your cheating and do it more in the open. You may think those two examples are different, but I see them as the same kind of person. So focused on getting theirs that other people no longer matter.
denise_xo Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 If the polyamorous couple don't know love, my party friend and her soon to be ex husband certainly don't know love either. At this point I'd say it's a function of the people themselves, and not their poly or mono amorous decision. I agree with this. There are tons of fu_cked up monogamous relationships, too. What struck me about the couple in the OP is not that they are in a polyamorous relationship, but the fact that they needed to be missionaries about it. Preaching is always a red flag to me, whether it relates to relationships, politics, religion, or whatever. It signals a desire to have to convince others about something because you desperately need and want to believe it yourself, but you're not yet internally convinced (or, alternatively, you're too narrow minded or insecure to see the real plurality of the world and you want everything and everyone to fit into your little box). Based on that example, I wouldn't really draw many conclusions about polyamorous relationships. It's not for me, but if two people quietly claim it works for them, then I say live and let live.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 ...the fact that they needed to be missionaries about it. Preaching is always a red flag to me, whether it relates to relationships, politics, religion, or whatever. It signals a desire to have to convince others about something because you desperately need and want to believe it yourself, but you're not yet internally convinced (or, alternatively, you're too narrow minded or insecure to see the real plurality of the world and you want everything and everyone to fit into your little box). Based on that example, I wouldn't really draw many conclusions about polyamorous relationships. It's not for me, but if two people quietly claim it works for them, then I say live and let live. It's like they want "recruits". Reminds me of "Milk" with Sean Penn--"..hello, I'm Harvey Milk and I'me here to recruit you.."
zengirl Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I'm torn about poly relationships. They're definitely not for me, but I don't give a flying flip what other people do. I don't see how they work, but I know some people who swear they do. But I'm against manifestos in general --- why diss monogamy in order to prop up what you believe? That's what I'd put to the person. If you truly believe in it, you don't have to fuss about the alternatives, or try to recruit. Is that really the choices? Why can't a woman or a man be faithful today? My experience with life is that those things which come easy are not valuable, while those things that I must work hard to achieve and maintain are that which is most precious. Why should my romantic life be easy and disposable? Why is everyone suddenly praised for taking the easy route? A very good point, and I agree with you. Though I will say that perhaps monogamy -- like everything -- is not for everyone, and that trying to fit people into it who don't fit well is part of the problem. Maybe if we stop trying to make it a 'value' and forcing it upon people who are never going to really buy in, divorce rates go down. Just a thought.
Cee Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I've briefly dated people in polyamorous relationships. I was completely single at the time and not interested in being poly myself. The whole thing was completely out in the open. But I felt like the odd woman out and was turned off by the whole thing. I am friends with a guy whose long distance girlfriend wanted to open their relationship up. I have watched his process in sleeping with other women and was horrified by the drama and complications. Not to mention risk of disease. I'm not against polyamory as a way of life, but it's not for me. Who has the time anyway? I have a full life with work, friends, hobbies, exercise, and alone time. My BF is plenty for me. I'm so happy with him that I can't imagine looking at another person, let alone sleeping with them.
sally4sara Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 We were invited to a party at the home of a couple we know who are, and have been for a long while, poly. And admittedly I was hesitant to go. I was worried it was a mixer for meeting new partners. We decided to go but did not intend to stay very long. I was surprised. No recruiting. No hanging from the ceiling orgy party. Just folks hanging out and if I'd not been aware going there that the couple hosting was poly I'd have never guessed anything was amiss. I figure poly is like most things in that its just not for everyone and anyone who talks about it as though it is, isn't someone I'd trust.
Anela Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Ugh, caught myself looking for the Facebook " like" button ! So, instead, as a mature literate adult I will actually type out the words " I agree with you one hundred percent" !!!!!!! Me, too.
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