tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 So, I spent the weekend with my BF (he lives in the DC area and I live in NJ). For the most part, everything was great. Last night during dinner ( just before dessert came), he gave me his Valentine's gift. It came in a jewelry box. My heart was pounding hard and I was semi-hyperventilating. This was what I was thinking : "OMG, YOU are not going to do this to me, right now, right here!!!!!". I felt like the people near our table were watching and waiting what was going to go down....it was such a horrible feeling!!!! I finally was able to gather myself and opened the gift...it was a pair of beautiful earrings!!!!!!!!! I was very relieved and so thankful! This morning at breakfast, he asked me if "everything was ok", apparently, my demeanor has changed-it's "quieter"...Then he asked me if I really liked the gift. I said, of course, "I love them"!. The truth is,while I love the earrings..and I hate to admit this, I am disappointed that it was not an engagement ring. BUT here's the crazy thing, I do not want to get married. I did not want an engagement ring! I was afraid he would ask me (again-he already asked before-complete with a ring and I broke up with him-long story). Before he left for his office earlier, this is what he told me: "you know, there is nothing I would like than to have you here forever"... So here I am sitting on his bed...wondering...what in the world is wrong with me?????????????????? I need to get my "happy" back before he comes back because I know I do not have any reason to feel like how I feel right now---
Star Gazer Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Why don't you want to get married? To him, or in general? Did you want him to propose so you could say no again? I don't understand the disappointment of not getting an engagement ring, if an engagement/marriage isn't what you want.
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Why don't you want to get married? To him, or in general? Did you want him to propose so you could say no again? I don't understand the disappointment of not getting an engagement ring, if an engagement/marriage isn't what you want. I don't want to get married in general. I don't understand the disappointment either and I need to understand it because this is HORRIBLE!!!!!
bayouboi Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Why don't you want to get married? To him, or in general? Did you want him to propose so you could say no again? I don't understand the disappointment of not getting an engagement ring, if an engagement/marriage isn't what you want. I'm not sure what you don't understand. The OP titled the thread with a clue that should explain her feelings/behavior.
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 I'm not sure what you don't understand. The OP titled the thread with a clue that should explain her feelings/behavior. Thanks, bayouboi, 'thought I was clear..I feel a bit nutty and I need to fix it before I go home to NJ. He deserves a great time!
Cee Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 There's a lot of societal and cultural pressure to get married. And I think it can seep into women's consciousness. I've never wanted to get married or have children. But I've had crazy thoughts when I have taken a pregnancy test after the condom slipped. I'm relieved and a little disappointed that I am not pregnant. I seriously don't want children, but there's something deep in me that wonders "What if...?" I wouldn't dwell too much on your mixed feelings. It doesn't sound crazy to me. Maybe you can reflect on what you have and want in your current relationship.
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 There's a lot of societal and cultural pressure to get married. And I think it can seep into women's consciousness. I've never wanted to get married or have children. But I've had crazy thoughts when I have taken a pregnancy test after the condom slipped. I'm relieved and a little disappointed that I am not pregnant. I seriously don't want children, but there's something deep in me that wonders "What if...?" I wouldn't dwell too much on your mixed feelings. It doesn't sound crazy to me. Maybe you can reflect on what you have and want in your current relationship. Hi Cee, thanks for responding. I think you are right. There is a lot of pressure for me to marry him or to let him go. I feel a lot of guilt that I am making him "settle" for what I am able to "offer" him... Before I left to spend the weekend with him, a friend of mine told me, that I should not be surprised that one day I will wake up and find him gone because he would have realized he did not want to settle for less... (((
donnamaybe Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 You know what, I hope you can let go of any "guilt" you feel you're supposed to take on. If you treat your BF right and love him and want to be with him and he does the same, isn't that all that matters?
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 You know what, I hope you can let go of any "guilt" you feel you're supposed to take on. If you treat your BF right and love him and want to be with him and he does the same, isn't that all that matters? Thanks for taking time out of your busy Monday work sched to post this sincere post, donna. You would think the bolded is all the matters...but I think he hopes he can change my mind in the future.
donnamaybe Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Is he hell bent on marriage do you think?
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Is he hell bent on marriage do you think? I thought so...but who knows now?:lmao:!!!!
yah Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 When my SO presented me with a small jewelry box at dinner on my bday my heart fluttered too. I thought "no way, no!!!" but when it turned out not to be an engagement ring I found myself a bit disappointed too. I think its cause I wanted *him* to make that commitment even though I wasn't ready.
elaina Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I thought so...but who knows now?:lmao:!!!! It sounds like he is respecting your wishes and really cares for you and wants you in his life. That's cool. Just as long as he knows that you don't want to get married, it's his decision whether he wants to stay with you or find someone who does want to marry (him.) It most definitely seems though that he chooses you over marriage, which is really awesome I think!!! There are people who do that... make the decision to stay with somebody even if they have different preferences. There are women who would love to be married, but their boyfriends don't want to get married or aren't ready, and they make the choice to stay with their loved one cause they love them. They consider their boyfriends to be more important than their dreams of getting married, and that's cool. People have different dreams, and if they decide the person they care about with a different dream is more important than their own dream, that shows a lot of what they're willing to give up for that person! Maybe eventually your boyfriend will not have the dream of getting married anymore. That happens too... dreams can change.
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 When my SO presented me with a small jewelry box at dinner on my bday my heart fluttered too. I thought "no way, no!!!" but when it turned out not to be an engagement ring I found myself a bit disappointed too. I think its cause I wanted *him* to make that commitment even though I wasn't ready. Thanks for your response, yah....and this is why...many men don't get women People have different dreams, and if they decide the person they care about with a different dream is more important than their own dream, that shows a lot of what they're willing to give up for that person! Maybe eventually your boyfriend will not have the dream of getting married anymore. That happens too... dreams can change. I hope this is the case and I hope he will never feel like he "settled for less". Thanks, elaina,
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 By the way, I know he is going to ask me what was bothering me, do you think he needs to know? maybe this is just unnecessary drama?
elaina Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I hope this is the case and I hope he will never feel like he "settled for less". Thanks, elaina, So even though it's easier said that done, don't feel bad. He values you more than marriage, and that's after all what it's supposed to be. Some people value the certificate/title of marriage more than the person they are marrying, which is scary! (That's why many marriages don't work, maybe?) Is that why you don't want to get married? Just curious. I don't think it's bad to not want to get married... there are many reasons why some people don't want to that are excellent reasons! If you don't want to answer that, that's fine. Sorry for being nosy. Happy Valentine's Day and those earrings sound lovely!!! and most importantly, his caring for you and understanding/respecting you and wanting you in his life is the most lovely gift of all.
january2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Maybe you can reflect on what you have and want in your current relationship. Before I left to spend the weekend with him, a friend of mine told me, that I should not be surprised that one day I will wake up and find him gone because he would have realized he did not want to settle for less... ((( I think its cause I wanted *him* to make that commitment even though I wasn't ready. I was in a similar position, he proposed twice and both times I said, "no." He gave up in the end. He told me that it's surprising how nerve-wracking it is to propose to someone and to have them say, "no," twice, is more unbearable and hurtful than he thought. What he hadn't realised and what I should have told him is that I had wanted to marry him a long time ago but gave up on waiting and just accepted the status quo, so much so, that I'd given up on marriage with him. So, by the time he asked me, I couldn't say, "yes" because he'd missed the boat on that one. I think it's crunch time for you. If you don't see yourself getting married or even marrying this guy in particular, but he wants to get married at some point, you need to think long and hard about whether or not your life goals are compatible. Don't drag it out like I did.
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Is that why you don't want to get married? Just curious. I don't think it's bad to not want to get married... there are many reasons why some people don't want to that are excellent reasons! We both have been married before. I do not have an emotional (and especially not a financially need ) for a marriage. We do not plan to have kids. So.. Happy Valentine's Day to you, too!
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 I think it's crunch time for you. If you don't see yourself getting married or even marrying this guy in particular, but he wants to get married at some point, you need to think long and hard about whether or not your life goals are compatible. Don't drag it out like I did. ugh..."crunch time"...dread, dread that..I want what we have right now..together but separate...thanks for your response, january.
elaina Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 We both have been married before. I do not have an emotional (and especially not a financially need ) for a marriage. We do not plan to have kids. So.. Happy Valentine's Day to you, too! Understood... but please don't do the crunch time thing today!!? January is right in that it would be good to really soon talk to him about it. It'd be great to tell him you appreciate his valuing you over getting married and about if it's ok with him to change dreams so to speak, and about the worry about if he feels he's settling for less. I personally don't think he does feel that way, but i don't know him, but yeah it'd be good to have a talk about that, though today it'd be great to just enjoy his love, yeah?
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Understood... but please don't do the crunch time thing today!!? January is right in that it would be good to really soon talk to him about it. It'd be great to tell him you appreciate his valuing you over getting married and about if it's ok with him to change dreams so to speak, and about the worry about if he feels he's settling for less. I personally don't think he does feel that way, but i don't know him, but yeah it'd be good to have a talk about that, though today it'd be great to just enjoy his love, yeah? Ja wohl!!!! Thank you!
donnamaybe Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 By the way, I know he is going to ask me what was bothering me, do you think he needs to know? maybe this is just unnecessary drama?My feeling is that when it is an issue causing this much conflict within yourself, it is most definitely worth talking about. Just be honest with him. Tell him about your internal struggles; how much you love him and care about him and your fears and all of it. It doesn't have to be a pressure packed discussion, but I think it would help if he knew why you weren't yourself this morning rather than just guessing.
Author tami-chan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks, Donna. Now that I have "talked it out here" it does not seem that big of a deal anymore. I feel a bit silly, actually...so I think, I will just let it go. He and I have discussed this topic or similar quite a few times. Let's hope he will let it rest, too...
elaina Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 My feeling is that when it is an issue causing this much conflict within yourself, it is most definitely worth talking about. Just be honest with him. Tell him about your internal struggles; how much you love him and care about him and your fears and all of it. It doesn't have to be a pressure packed discussion, but I think it would help if he knew why you weren't yourself this morning rather than just guessing. That's a good point too... emphasizing your love and care for him and explaining how you feel.
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