EA is driving me crazy...

[findingnemo]

Hi Everyone,

 

I joined LS mid last year in an effort to understand how to deal with an LDR. LS has literally saved my sanity. There are so many things I would try to tell my friends about my feelings but always felt judged or misunderstood. I finally stopped because of LS. Mine is a long story so please bear with me.

 

At 19, I met and fell instantly in love with a man 11 years older than me. The very minute I stepped into his office, I felt weird. Although we talked about mundane things (I was escorting a friend to see him), I also sensed something odd in his eyes when he looked at me. He invited my friends and I to his home for a BBQ one Saturday. I couldn't understand what it was that I felt when I looked at him. At one point, we found ourselves alone in the kitchen and he kissed me. It was so incredible that I spent the next 3 years avoiding him completely. While in school in Paris, I received a phone call on my birthday (March 1996). It was him. He had got my number from my mother who obviously did not know about our kiss. This would be the beginning of hell for me. He was engaged and had a wedding date set for September that year. I flew back home (an African Country with lions) for the summer in June and started seeing him. I couldn't control my feelings about him. He made me act and feel rather stupid in the sense that my brain couldn't function. After 2 or 3 months, he proposed to me. He told me that he had cancelled his wedding date and that he realized that he couldn't live without me. Meanwhile, I had met his fiancee who had immediately identified me as a problem and discussed it with him. She knew that we were together but they continued to see each other as well basically he needed to make a choice. I immediately said no. I felt that I was too young (22), we had been together for a short time and I needed to finish my education first. The relationship continued for a couple more months until one day he just stopped communicating. It was a full-blown NC. No matter how I tried, he just wouldn't talk to me or see me.

 

I moved to America to finish school and lived and worked there for 6 years. In the first few months there I met and started seeing another man (my age) and thought I had gotten over my ex. I can't remember how I heard it, but I found out he was getting married back home and decided to call him to find out. He told me it was true and that the only way I could stop him is if I flew back to be with him. The wedding was in 2 weeks. I didn't fly back because I thought it was too late and I reasoned that if he loved me, he would have waited for me and not abandoned me like he had done. BTW, he was going to marry his old fiancee so I was pissed and heart-broken. I would think about him every day for the next three years.

 

In November 2000, I went back home and bumped into him. I became the OW and he, the MP. I spent 2 more years in the States and during that time flew over to see him or met up with him in exotic locations. I moved back home at the end of 2002 and our A became more intense. I hated being the OW. I just hated it and hated myself for allowing it. Finally in June 2004, after analysing my situation, I decided to deal with my love life decisively. I spent 3 weeks in his city (we live in 2 different cities) and broke it off with MP. First I gave him an ultimatum to either leave his W and be with me or lose me. He told me he couldn't leave her - she had had a cancer scare and had to have a hysterectomy. He also said that she didn't deserve the pain. In all honesty he had never said she was bad or boring. He always said good things about her to the point that I had gotten to like her. Most of the 3 weeks were spent crying and pretty much nothing else. I was in physical pain, lost my hair and must have lost at least 10 kgs (the last one was a good thing:)). But I had ended the A.

 

I was determined to get on with my life and forget him. Within 6 months, I met my first - ever boyfriend who was still single. With military strategy and precision, I wooed him and married him in May 2006. My marriage was a sham from the beginning and MM had travelled to see me to specifically ask me not to get married. I was mad at him calling him selfish and unreasonable. We continued to be friends though and there would be no affair during my marriage. Unfortunately, my H soon realized that I didn't love him. I allowed him to cheat on me and come back at all hours of the night. I just didn't care. All I wanted was to be married, have children (I had 2 and adopted 1) and lead some semblence of a normal life. My H started accusing me of having an EA and I denied it. I actually thought it was ridiculous. After all, I hadn't cheated on him so why was he concerned if I still felt something for MM? Our fights became more frequent and more intense until he beat me up. Thereafter it was downhill with violence becoming the order of the day. I was out of the house with my children before our 3rd anniversary.

 

It will be 2 years in May since I separated and I have started D proceedings. The problem is that 2 years post end-of-sham-marriage, I am still in love with MM and he tells me that he is still in love with me. We rarely speak and although we are both on Skype, we do not chat. We even refused to be friends on Facebook. All this is in an effort to not have an A. We have done everything in our power in the last 7 years to avoid an A and I may have been a failure in my marriage but I at least avoided being the OW for that time.

 

From reading the posts on LS, it seems that being in an EA is considered worse than being in a PA. But what more can I do? I have tried to have an R with a single man (it was an LDR) recently but I am exhausted and fed up from trying to run away from the reality that I love MM and ending up in s**t. I am so frustrated and lonely. I am afraid that this will be my lot in life.

[mbm69]

I feel for you findingnemo. I have no advice... that always seems to be what I saw to people here. I'm so messed up in my own head that I cannot give sound advice. But I do feel for you.

[findingnemo]

I feel for you findingnemo. I have no advice... that always seems to be what I saw to people here. I'm so messed up in my own head that I cannot give sound advice. But I do feel for you.

 

Thanks mbm69!! I feel pathetic, to say the least.

[findingnemo]

nemo,

you sound very sad, and for that I am very sorry. I hope things get better for you.

 

My friends always ask me for advice ( not sure why-maybe they think that because I am kind of quiet that I am also wise... kind of the "still waters rub deep " thing I guess-lol... sad thing is, for all they think that I am wise about things ( I'm not) , my own husband chaeted on my and we are trying to recover)

 

I can only offer you the same advice I usually give them.

 

In the end, we all have to live with ourselves and the choices that we make. You have a few choices, but whatever one you pick, at the end of the day, will you be able to look in the mirror and like (love) the person looking back at you?

 

 

Maybe that should be the basis on how you make your decision.

 

Hi Frozensprouts,

 

I also find myself being asked for a lot of advice on relationships and business. I am so good at analyzing people's problems and suggesting solutions. But I find that when it comes to my problems (I have had one major problem in my life - MM), I am useless or ineffective.

 

Where I'm from, people practice modern day polygamy. Being an OW (read mistress) is frowned upon and our society basically sees a woman as a whore. But there is another scenario -the OW becomes a 2nd wife. For God's sake, I consider myself an educated and modern woman. Yet, I have recently had the idea of 2nd wife pop in my head . Can you imagine that?

 

The mirror test is a good one. But I may be failing it seeing as i can't get over the EA.

[mbm69]

Most women when they do cheat have an EA, whether it becomes physical or not. PAs are more typical for men who can more easily detach sex from emotions. Personally, I don't believe one is worse than the other.

 

I think we all feel pathetic at some point in our lives. I feel pretty pathetic most of the time...

 

You know how I deal with it? I usually escape reality, for at least a few minutes. A good workout session is the best form of escapism. I train in martial arts, and I just love burying my worries in boxing gloves and a heavy bag. Getting your levels of endorphins up also helps to battle 'depressive episodes'. That's my best advice...

[TigerCub]

Hey FindingNemo,

 

I don't think you're pathetic at all.

I actually think you have a lot to be proud of:

you resisted and avoided having an affair while married AND..

you had the courage to leave an abusive partner.

 

those are things you should be proud of yourself for.

 

As for this MM:

Its been years since his wife's cancer scare and hysterectomy, would he consider leaving now?

[findingnemo]

Hey Tigercub,

 

Thanks for your support. His wife had the hysterectomy and is fine now. Why should he leave his family for me? If he leaves, it should be because they have their own issues. I am sure that even then, she would be pretty pissed if he and I got together and fight it tooth and nail. He says she accepted that we are friends and knows nothing about our A. He has on occasion called me with her in the room. I guess for him it was ok, because he knew that we were not sleeping together anymore. Unfortunately for him, I think his W is a lot smarter than he thinks. She knew but just didn't tell him.

 

Another major complication here is that he is wealthy.

 

@mbm69, I love the gym but I would probably have a heart attack if I tried to use it to forget my woes.

[TigerCub]

Hey Tigercub,

 

Thanks for your support. His wife had the hysterectomy and is fine now. Why should he leave his family for me? If he leaves, it should be because they have their own issues. I am sure that even then, she would be pretty pissed if he and I got together and fight it tooth and nail. He says she accepted that we are friends and knows nothing about our A. He has on occasion called me with her in the room. I guess for him it was ok, because he knew that we were not sleeping together anymore. Unfortunately for him, I think his W is a lot smarter than he thinks. She knew but just didn't tell him.

 

Another major complication here is that he is wealthy.

 

I don't really get it - I'm sorry if I'm confused.

I get from your post that you're trying your best not to have an A with this guy, so you guys are just friends, but you love him and he said he loves you.

 

So you're ok with him being with her?

I just think that he shouldn't be telling you that he loves you if he has no intention of leaving (that just adds to your pain and gives you something to dream on that you will hold onto and as a result hold onto your love for him)

 

I totally see that you've tried so hard not to have the A. Do you ever consider of just stopping all contact with him?

I'm not saying this because NC is what almost everyone suggests here, but because you asked "what more can I do?"

Maybe cutting him off completely will, in time, allow you to move on and really open up to new people that come into your life.

 

Just a thought...but I am kinda confused about the whole sit.

 

Also, why is him being wealthy a problem?

[findingnemo]

I don't really get it - I'm sorry if I'm confused.

I get from your post that you're trying your best not to have an A with this guy, so you guys are just friends, but you love him and he said he loves you.

 

So you're ok with him being with her?

I just think that he shouldn't be telling you that he loves you if he has no intention of leaving (that just adds to your pain and gives you something to dream on that you will hold onto and as a result hold onto your love for him)

 

I totally see that you've tried so hard not to have the A. Do you ever consider of just stopping all contact with him?

I'm not saying this because NC is what almost everyone suggests here, but because you asked "what more can I do?"

Maybe cutting him off completely will, in time, allow you to move on and really open up to new people that come into your life.

 

Just a thought...but I am kinda confused about the whole sit.

 

Also, why is him being wealthy a problem?

 

Hi Tigercub,

 

For some reason I missed your last post.

 

You are quite intuitive!! I am almost ok with him being with her. It is not because I am crazy, it's just that she is his W after all. As for complete NC, we have had that but once in a while we break it. This usually happens when something bad happens to either of us. We do not talk for as much as 6 months at times. Yes, telling me he loves me causes all sorts of problems. I sometimes react angrily but he says it with no expectations - he says it is a fact. Also, we occasionally have business dealings but we both delegate the full-time work to others in our companies. However, the initial contact is between him and I.

 

The wealth just makes it harder for her to agree to divorce. We are in Africa here and D is considered something you do under extreme circumstances. Many women would rather stay married and the Hs get other "Ws".

 

I have posted a new thread about what real love is in which I talk more about us.