humanracer25 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) I posted this before but I have a few updates. Here is the original post: We talked online for a month and we seemed to have lots in common. We agreed to meet. There is an agegap here as I am 29 and she is 19. We met and enjoyed each others company and ended up making out. When I held her I asked her if she felt safe, and she said "more than I have ever felt with anyone". It was very relaxed and we kissed a lot and she said she felt very comfortable. She also changed into her PJs in front of me, another sign that she is relaxed. She also did things like randomly tickle me and stroke my hair and my face. Anyway the next day she was very distant.She told me that she only views me as a friend and that she is unsure if she wants to meet me again. She said with other guys she knew right away that she didn't want to meet them again but with me she is unsure. She told me she didn't feel any "butterflies" when she is with me. I explained to her that real love starts off as being good friends and that is the "butterflies in the stomach" thing is just crushes that usually wear off quite quickly. I left leaving her to decide if she wanted to even meet me again as a friend. Anyway my train was cancelled and I came back to her place. She told me I could sleep on a air bed on the floor but we ended up in the same bed somehow, kissing and hugging. Later, she told me that when I left for my train she was sure she only saw me as a friend but after I came back when my train was cancelled she felt how good it was to sleep next to me and is now unsure. She later told me she appreciates the fact I really care about her and views me as the protective big brother she never had but wishes she had. We started to talk again online and even spoke about what our future children would be like. I thought that you wouldn't talk about that stuff with someone who was just a friend and not attractive in any way? We did have an honest conversation about our turns off. I explained that I thought she had a bland taste of food (she eats mostly cheese sandwiches). She is usually brutally honest so I was expecting her to say something that could explain things however all she could come up with was that I keep my eyes open while kissing and I give quick and gentle kisses. She also says that we have a lot in common and she thinks I am the perfect guy for her but she cannot work out why there is no chemistry. and now the update........... She came to visit me in my home town. I was quite surprised at this because girls I have dated always want me to visit them and never make an effort to visit my town, even after several dates. Anyway she actually chose to visit me and paid for the tickets and everything herself (again unusual as I usually pay for stuff). We are just friends but while we hanging out we seemed to do couple-like things. For instance during a "ghost tour" that we went on she let me hold her and put my arms around her waist. She later said she loved it and felt very safe with me. She agreed beforehand that she would stay in my room for the night. She would sit on my knee and kiss me and everything felt really good. Anyway she forgot to bring her PJs so asked me if it was ok to sleep in her bra and underwear. I of course said "no problem". We kissed a lot but it seemed she never touched me intimately, though she did kiss my neck. She also buried her face in my chest and told me "you smell really good". Well I was wearing nice aftershave. We got closer and I started to touch her down there but it was having little effect. Later she revealed that she found our deep kissing "just ok" and that she felt there was no sexual chemistry between us. This is highlly upsetting for me (way more than the no butterflies thing). In my previous relationship I was always able to quickly arouse my girlfriend and was quite good at giving orgrams. She told me she gives herself plenty orgasms and they are usually easy to obtain. I kiss quite passionately and caress her body but it still seems to have no effect. She did admit that since I am the only guy she kissed, she has nothing to compare it to. We seem to be happiest just snuggling or spooning. I felt quite disheartened because I think sexual chemistry is usually there or not, unlike romantic chemistry which may take a while to develop. I can't see myself being in a relationship where the person does not feel like making love to me yet I still deeply care about this girl. On her way to catch her train home we talked about things and she was still unsure about everything. I told her I had another date planned with a girl from her city (a 32 year old) and that we obviously aren't exclusive. She said she was very ok with that and that the fact she was ok with it probably meant there is nothing special between us. She also stated that she really really hoped the other date went well because it would solve all our problems. As I got to the station I was sure that nothing much would happen between us but perhaps we should be good friends. Before she got on the train I said "I know you don''t like this much but..." and preceeded to give a deep long kiss. Later she messaged me and told me that she still hoped my other date goes well but if not she wants us to keep trying just to see if she is perhaps a little slow in developing feelings for me. She also confided that the last kiss I gave her before she boarded the train actually gave her butterflies. So I am back to a rather confusing square one. Does anyone have any suggestions?. I know people are going to say that I had several chances to have sex with her and didn't. However I don't want her to lose her virginity to me unless she really loves me. I feel she may regret it in the future if I do. I do accept that sometimes there is just no sexual chemistry between people, even if both are good looking and have lots in common. It is frustrating to know that may be the case and I can do nothing about it other than move on and find someone else. I would also like to add that I am a confident, sensitive, educated and somewhat geeky guy. Other than be myself I am not sure what else I can do in this situation. My last relationship was very good, though it ended after four years. My ex had the butterflies thing for me right away and we got physical quickly and it all felt good. However maybe this is Karma now because the one thing I was guilty of in my last relationship was not saying "I love you" enough even though I felt it. Edited February 14, 2011 by humanracer25
East7 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I have dated someone young (18) in my late 20's and it turned out to be a good LTR, so IMO the age gap is not always a barrier, some girls are quite mature even at 18-20. The difference is that in my case there was chemistry and high interest from both. I think your GF is not really into you, she is trying to convince herself that feelings can grow with time, maybe she appreciates you a lot but if she doesn't feel the chemistry it won't go too far, IMO. The chemistry either happens at the beginning, or it never happens. She might feel lonely and tries to cling to you. The risk is that she dumps/cuts you off you as soon as she is really attracted to someone else.
ladychesterton Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 You sound like a really sweet person, but maybe this girl isn't fully attracted yet because either she doesn't know you well enough yet or maybe she doesn't know what she wants. Or possibly part of her intuition is telling her you are not right for her. I can't speak for all women, but I think attraction does grow slowly. I think being really attracted right away usually means the mind has filled in the gaps and made some assumptions about what type of person the guy is--usually not a a good thing. I always suggest being friends first and letting it grow from there. Then the woman can develop a sense of trust in you. Just my opinion, and I am not the average for sure.
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