this is serious.. my jealousy ruining EVERYTHING

[lilimoomoo]

I've been with my first boyfriend for about three years.. well May will be three years.

We're not exactly together right now.. all because of me?...

 

Let me describe me first of all, and then my boyfriend.

I am very introverted, shy, I stick with a handful of close friends, I'd say if I were to hang out with a friend, I'd pick between my close five. That's about it. I don't go to parties or anything. I like just being with my boyfriend and just chilling.

 

Him on the other hand is the complete opposite. He comes from a very outgoing family that is always with friends. He loves people, he's like a child any one he sees that he has a class with (We're seniors in High School) He'll be like hi what's your name?! And that's how he makes friends.

 

He tells me all the time: Just because I'm friends with girls doesn't mean I like them!!! Girls are the same as guys to me!! They're all just damn humans okay ****!!!

he really gets that angry..

 

I'd know if he liked one of them I know that for sure..

We had bigggg problems last year and I pushed him away so much he gave and gave and I never gave anything back for some reason. Then we broke up and he automatically fell for this girl but she didn't like him. He felt so guilty he said he couldn't date me when I was trying to get him back because his mind and heart weren't 100% for me. He eventually got back with me because I was really trying to get him and he just stopped liking her.

 

Now I'm even MORE jealous. Any girl I see him walk with in the hallway I completely shut him out the whole day and am so angry..

We were just fine until the other day he was on facebook instant messaging this girl and I got so mad.. and he said she was just a friend.. nothing else and she was having drama (he always makes people feel better, guys and girls) I guess he just does that.

 

But how can I get over my jealousy. I want to get back with him so bad but I just can't accept his personality, how friendly he is to girls, even guys (that doesn't bug me, just the girls) He said "I can understand if I was f***** flirting with them but I'm NOT!!!!!!!!!!"

 

Do we need counseling? I really think so..

It doesn't help talking to my friends about it because they take my side like "oh yeah he's a flirt"

people think he flirts all the time and I've had to deal with them telling me that for three years. But he swears on his life he doesn't at all and that he loves me and only me and wants to marry me someday..

Why can't I listen? I feel like it's not fair to me that he gets girls numbers too..

 

I mean, I never have ever hung out with him and his friends. Last summer when we were single he started being with friends again. And they just bonded and were all great friends, now they call themselves a crew and there's like 15 people in it, girls and guys. I'm fine with those girls because I somewhat know what they're about, and they go to my school. But girls I've never even heard of? He's like "I promise we're just friends. Me and her were best friends in elementary and she moved and we text" "and this girl is the girl I met when I was hanging with these people and she's just cool and fun and plays guitar like me" idk is it so hard to understand because I'm so much different than him?

He needs some kind of boundaries don't you think?

He has such a short fuse now, because something bad happens with us like 4 times a month because I bring something up or am like WHO IS SHE?!? He really just goes on a break from me pretty much and every time I'm like "please be official with me, be my boyfriend" he's like "Idk you say you won't do this and every time I fall for it and you do this AGAIN"

Edited February 14, 2011 by lilimoomoo

[Spacecase78]

Well, I can certainly relate to all sides of this - jealousy from my younger days, having male friends and infidelity when a partner had a female friend.

 

All in all, it is possible for people to remain friends and be of the opposite sex. However, it does depend on the person's maturity and being content with their relationship. It also depends on the level of maturity of the partner's friend as well, because some women can be just as shady in that aspect.

 

Either way, it sounds like you two have completely different views about this and that's never easy, nor is it healthy, especially if this is not just about already-established friends, but also new people as well. It's nearly impossible to shut off that jealousy mode, because you don't really trust him. Likely this is because he isn't considering your feelings in this when he does have a choice about what's more important to him. Perhaps something else is setting off red flags for you now, too, such as him "falling in love with a friend" temporarily.

 

In the end, if he's not willing to budge and you're not comfortable with it, there's not much to change it and you're probably better of finding someone who is on your same level. You've already said how you feel and he doesn't seem to be the least bit empathetic. I get his perspective, but what's he really doing to put your mind at ease about it? Is he even compromising? Doesn't sound like it.

 

My best friend is male, but I would do all that I could to put my partner at ease if I cared that much about them. At the very least, I would include them in activities to help with this. Just as many people say that partners should accept their friends, the same should go about friends with partners. I would also make every effort to not exclude his partner either. Separating it so much is naturally going to make the other partner suspicious.

[purplepanda]

I would sit down and talk to him about why you feel so insecure: you said you're so different from each other, but explain how you feel about him and that you want this relationship to work.

 

It seems to me like he's putting the blame on YOU, by saying "You're doing it again, you're going to do it again", when HE'S the one getting girls' numbers.

 

My ex would get girls' numbers and tell me about it and it made me so mad...when we broke up he went crazy and had about a thousand girlfriends in a period of about six months. I realized that he loved the attention and he was never going to change.

 

He needs to realize that he has to stop doing that, because it's hurting the two of you. And if he just blames it on you, break it off. Maybe he'll realize that those girls don't add up to how important YOU ARE.

[hopefully]

There is a thing called incompatibility. If this is the way he's been because of his personality and family environment and you don't like it, then this relationship doesn't have a long term prospect. You are doing nothing wrong. You are just yourself and you have your preferences to certain social interactions. It might be better to cut ties with this boy and find one compatible to you. Good luck and hugs:love: