Can't move on...

[aquasal22]

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on forums before, but a friend of mine suggested I give it a go because they have received some awesome advice from people in similar situations. So i am on here, because I could really use some good advice right now.

 

I am a 28 year old chick, and i have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. We have been together since we were 17 (high school sweethearts). Things were always a little bit firey between the two of us, but we could never break up from each other, coz we both felt like the good times always outweighed the bad. We had a son 3 years ago and since then things went downhill pretty quickly. Our parents didn't get on (in particular my mother and his father). Which caused huge problems. My mother suffers depression and his father is a narcissist, so I was always scared of them going anywhere near each other in case my father in law really hurt mum and pushed her down further. So i was very protective of her. At the same time, it was hard for my husband because the problem caused us to avoid his parents... In the end he said he had had enough and he was sick of me putting my mother before him and he moved out. At first there was a little bit of a relief at the end of that family trauma, but i still loved him, very much. And no matter what happened, I would never have left him. I am finding it really hard to let go of the happy family dream - our son is gorgeous and was always the happiest when both my husband and I were with him. So on top of my own heartbreak, i am so sad for my little boy. The three of us were awesome together. I am not the kind of chick that gets hung up on stuff in life, so I have shocked myself at how bad I have fallen apart over this. It's been 6 months and I am still missing him like crazy and he brought his new girlfriend when he picked our son up last weekend. Any progress I had made, was pretty much out the window. Is this normal? Or is this a real problem here? Do other people feel this degree of hurt and dare i say it, obsession over their ex-partner?

Any advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated, as I really want to move on, I just can't seem to do it.

Thanks in advance,

Sal

[2.50 a gallon]

I am retired and never had any children or grand children. But if I did and they were talking about marriage, my advice would be to never marry a virgin or your high school sweetheart. I know of only one couple that have survived and made it past their 40 year anniversary, in fact most are finished within 10 years.

 

The problem is that when you tie the knot you are still half way between your childhood and being an adult. And when growing into adulthood, there is always one of the partners who out grows the other and wants out of the marriage

 

So how do you move on? Simple, improve your self. Go back to school, begin to excercise, work out, and get out of the house and meet other people. Some get the idea that if they make these changes they might get their WS to come back. And yes it does happen, but it is best that you do this for yourself.

 

Maybe you feel that you are not ready to begin meeting new men. All that I can tell you is that when my XW and I broke up I was thrown into a black hole of despair and truly wondered if I could ever laugh or have fun again.

 

I got lucky and within a month there was this pretty face looking down at me and asking me if I wanted to come out and play. To find that I was still attractive to the opposite sex put me back on the track to returning to the land of the living.

 

It was but a couple of days later, the XW came by to see our cats, actually to rub my nose in her OM as he was at our neighbors. I didn't have to tell her, she just sensed that I had changed, and when she found proof, she did a total 180 change and wanted me back. Even went so far as to go outside and at the top of her lungs let the neighbors know how piss poor the OM was in bed.

 

She was two days too late.

 

Moving on, if you were a guy I would suggest taking dancing lessons, or in my case I taught myself to cook some gourmet meals.

 

Do you have a hobby, get into it. Or is there something you have always wanted to do, raising orchids, tropical fish, sky diving, or what ever?

 

Do it!

 

Every second you spend working on a hobby or doing something interesting is a second that you are not thinking of your loss. The second turn into minutes, and hours and later days and you have began to move on.

[Duckduckgoose]

She was two days too late.

 

 

That's always how the cookie crumbles

[Steadfast]

It might help to remind yourself that a real romance involves two people. I'm not being sarcastic, for often this overly simplistic fact gets forgotten in the rubble of broken hearts and broken families. You have every right to hurt.

 

One thing we learn early on after a break up is, not matter how close you are as a couple you're still two people. People change their minds, want other things and often sacrifice everything to make it happen. It isn't right and it isn't fair, but life is often unfair. Realize this, and know it.

 

For you and your child, you must build your happiness and self-worth from within. Having a loving partner can and does make life sweeter, but no one person can make you happy. Save your desire and affection for someone who's willing to return it and chalk this one up to experience. Look ahead, not behind! You'll make it-

[willowthewisp]

You're not alone! But you are being too hard on yourself, you were together 11 years and it's only been 6 months. He has a new GF? Sorry hunny, but my guess is he left you for her and that is the real reason he left not some BS about your parents/inlaws.

 

Don't beat yourself up, the fact that you aren't able to move on yet is actually healthy, it means you loved and that you are mourning. My IC told me it is far better to mourn and deal with the loss etc properly than kid yourself that you're fine in jumpr into a rebound or avoidance (if leaver) relationship.

 

For now, be kind to yourself and if you can get some IC it really helps.

 

Gallon, I have to respectfully disagree with you, I know of more than 10 couples who married as either virgins and/or their first love who were together until death and in two cases still are. I think it is a generational thing and todays disposalable society that causes the problem, people are far too quick to throw away something that once meant so much and such a deep connection that you will never get with another. People are not disposable!

 

Makes me so mad to see all the pain and hurt on here at the hands of self centred, egotistical and emotional devoid individuals.

[aquasal22]

Thanks so much for your replies - i am actually surprised at how much it helps to hear what other people have to say.

Willow - he didn't leave me for his new girlfriend... i know this through mutual friends. He only started dating her 2 weeks ago.

My biggest thing that I can't get over is the hurt from him not being willing to try and make things work. If the will is strong enough, there is always a way isn't there? So i am thinking he just doesn't think I'm worth it (ouch - just what everyone wants to hear!!)

I have tried dating a few other guys and they have been SO nice to me, everything i should want, but i just can't feel anything for any of them... Which makes me wonder, will I ever feel anything like I did for my ex again? It scares me silly because I know he isn't coming back and I miss being in love.

[trippi1432]

You will love again one day, but no it won't be the same kind of love that you had for your ex. We never love two people the exact same way....as we better ourselves, our view on love matures and we love again...we may even love people deeper than we did before.

 

Good advice here to work on yourself and live for you so you are ready for that type of love again in the future.

Edited February 15, 2011 by trippi1432

[Steadfast]

You will love again one day, but no it won't be the same kind of love that you had for your ex. We never love two people the exact same way....as we better ourselves, our view on love matures and we love again...we may even love people deeper than we did before.

 

Such good advice trippi, and so very true.

 

It helped me, after I finished grieving, to step back and take a realistic look at the person I was once married to. Initially, it was hard to imagine living without her...so much of who and what I was, was because of her. With time, I gained a clearer picture and it wasn't nearly as rosy.

 

Take your time and roll through the emotions. In time, I'm sure you'll see the wonderful opportunities ahead. It's a great big world!

[aquasal22]

Wow trippi, thank god for people like you - u have no idea how much your post has helped me. Thanks for taking the time to message me

[aquasal22]

And steadfast, i'm looking forward to the day that i can see that, people around me keep trying to remind me of things that weren't so great, but it is really hard for me to see those things... i just keep thinking of the good things - when i admit it on here, i realise how immature and lovesick i sound, but i know now that it is really damn hard to take control of your own thoughts. Thank you for your advice as well, it really does help to see other people have been in the same mindset and found their way out - there is hope for me!!

[Yasuandio]

Aqua, I want to share something with you. Recently, I was looking up my divorce filling in my County. Because of a recent Court hearing I as curious about how the status might read in our case.

 

There, on the records was a divorce I filed for in 1994 - seventeen years ago! It brought back a flood of memories. As well, questions, such as "How would my life have been different if I had stood my ground and gone through with it?"

 

Back then I was young, strong, capable, optimistic, financially independent and healthy. Not all of that is exactly the case right now.

 

This husband of your's is a low life and has absolutely no class. You probably will never forget the image of him coming to the door with his girlfriend to pick up your child. I hope you don't want him back.

 

You are one STRONG young lady. If I had to face that, I would really have to TRY not to commit a crime. In fact, under such a circumstance, I wouldn't even attempt it, I'd have to hire someone to make the exchange.

 

Like the other posters have expressed, you are very very young. You have the time to find a young man that is worthy of the love you and your son have to share! Keep posting!

Edited February 17, 2011 by Yasuandio

[hensley258]

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on forums before, but a friend of mine suggested I give it a go because they have received some awesome advice from people in similar situations. So i am on here, because I could really use some good advice right now.

 

I am a 28 year old chick, and i have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. We have been together since we were 17 (high school sweethearts). Things were always a little bit firey between the two of us, but we could never break up from each other, coz we both felt like the good times always outweighed the bad. We had a son 3 years ago and since then things went downhill pretty quickly. Our parents didn't get on (in particular my mother and his father). Which caused huge problems. My mother suffers depression and his father is a narcissist, so I was always scared of them going anywhere near each other in case my father in law really hurt mum and pushed her down further. So i was very protective of her. At the same time, it was hard for my husband because the problem caused us to avoid his parents... In the end he said he had had enough and he was sick of me putting my mother before him and he moved out. At first there was a little bit of a relief at the end of that family trauma, but i still loved him, very much. And no matter what happened, I would never have left him. I am finding it really hard to let go of the happy family dream - our son is gorgeous and was always the happiest when both my husband and I were with him. So on top of my own heartbreak, i am so sad for my little boy. The three of us were awesome together. I am not the kind of chick that gets hung up on stuff in life, so I have shocked myself at how bad I have fallen apart over this. It's been 6 months and I am still missing him like crazy and he brought his new girlfriend when he picked our son up last weekend. Any progress I had made, was pretty much out the window. Is this normal? Or is this a real problem here? Do other people feel this degree of hurt and dare i say it, obsession over their ex-partner?

Any advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated, as I really want to move on, I just can't seem to do it.

Thanks in advance,

Sal

 

I was with my wife 10 years married 7 and now seperated 4 months and in divorce. I feel the same as you do. I can't seem to move on either and I dwell on the whole mess all the time. Funny thing is she could care less and has never been happier in her life.

 

I think its that you just get so used to one person that you can't imagine your life without them in it. I still wake up and for a few seconds forget that she is gone. I dont think there is a quick fix for healing because after 4 months I still hurt like hell from it. My wife, or that person that was my wife just died and she is no longer on this earth.

 

It's like suffering the death of a close loved one. Even when I see my wife now I dont recognize her. I can see a void in her eyes that ive never seen before. Nothing to really do except survive and deal with it the best you can and remember the person that once loved you is dead and gone.

 

Some people have the ability to shut down emotion. My wife is very good at it and even 20 years would mean nothing to her.

[aquasal22]

Yasuandio - thank you for your post - u actually made me thing when u said "i hope you don't want him back". It made me think through what he had done instead of focusing on how hurt i was and i am now thinking if he is capable of behaving like that, then he isn't who i thought he was. Thanks again, sometimes a little change in perspective does wonders

 

Hensley - what you are feeling is exactly where I am... although I think I might be starting to think straight again... Going to sleep at night in our bed and waking up is the hardest part of my day. I am still in the home my ex and I shared with our son, so even though i have moved everything around, cleared out his stuff and photos, I feel like i am still living with his ghost. It is very hard to get all those amazing memories out of your head, partly coz you don't want to (because they were so special), but thinking of them just hurts so deep because you know you can never experience that again.

My ex has done the same - he has just moved straight on with his life and seems pretty happy. But he has done and said some things that have kinda shocked me, because I didn't think he was like that. I do sometimes feel, like the guy i knew and loved so much, actually doesn't exist anymore. I think for ages, I was hoping that it was just a stage and that he would realise what he left behind and come back. But no, he has moved on and after the stuff that has been said, I don't think we could ever get the trust we had back anyway.

 

Obviously, you guys have only got my side of the story, his actions i'm sure seem reasonable and even justifiable to him... and I am not a perfect person... but i was prepared to listen to anything he said that made him unhappy and change it. When he left was the first time he had said there was anything wrong (other than our families not getting on and our son being a typical difficult 2 year old). When I got married, i thought it was for keeps, through whatever life threw at us - and don't get me wrong, the situation was pretty taxing on me too - but i would have kept at it to make it work. It hurts pretty deep that that committment was not there on the other side.

 

But alas, coming on this forum is seriously one of the best things I have done to get through all this. Other people's experiences and their kindness in taking the time to reply makes me remember how awesome people can be to each other.

 

Thanks again,

Sal