Trying to understand what happened and how to behave now.

[Katrina65]

I had a dream about a man I knew as an acquaintance; in this dream, we had this incredible, intense emotional connection. This emotional connection was so nourishing--the dream really took me by surprise, because I'd never thought of this man in that way.

 

Strangely, shortly after this dream, he started making efforts to visit with me and talk with me daily--literally like a dream come true! We spoke everyday, for hours a day, and I absolutely adored him and looked very forward to my time spent around him. I became very emotionally attached to him and was also very physically attracted to him (this is rare for me); it seemed we could talk about anything and just enjoy each others' company. And again, he was putting in some serious effort to be around me.

 

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he ends up informing me (well after I've fallen for him), he's ENGAGED. My heart sunk.

 

We both admitted a very strong, deep attraction to one another, but both agreed, it would be best not to act on it, as it would not be fair to his fiance.

 

Anyhow, it became apparent to me, through his own accounts,seeing him interact with his fiance, and accounts from his friends, that his relationship was a very bad and unhealthy one. He was trying very hard to make things work, but it appears this girl is very controlling and not treating him very well. Yet, he loves her (to me, it seems he's more addicted to the drama than anything else--but who knows). So, I did not want to intervene, although I've always been there to listen and be supportive as he goes through rough times in his relationship.

 

Anyhow, he contacts me a few weeks back, and asks me to meet up with him. He informs me that he and his fiance called it quits for good and that he's moved out. For the first time, after months of holding back, we had a wonderful moment of emotional and physical intimacy. We hugged and kissed and touched and held each other closely into the wee hours of the morning; there was lots of hand holding and extensive eye contact...it was such a deep, wonderful emotional connection.

 

I knew he had to be up early, and that he hadn't slept well the past few days, so I left so that he could get some sleep.

 

The next two weeks--I've been put on ignore. Since that night, he now pretends like I do not exist. He literally will walk into a room that I'm in, and address everyone else by name, asking them questions, and exclude me; he won't make eye contact. It's as if I'm invisible. He's stopped contacting me in all forms. I'm not sure what to make of it. It's very hurtful and hard to understand, especially after he made the move to be so close to me a few weeks ago.

 

I finally sent him a message, asking him just to be upfront and honest regarding what was going on...as, I don't want to pursue him if he is feeling what happened between us was a mistake or if he was trying to get back together with his ex. He informed me that he is mentally in a really bad place and is not ready for anything (he's taken a lot of days off work, so I truly do believe he's mentally not fairing well). He said he is not trying to get back with his ex, but, again, that he is "not ready for anything with anybody".

 

I asked him to please be clear, and if this meant he wanted me to move on, and that he is not ever interested in dating me; he reiterated that he was not saying that...he is just saying he's not ready at this point.

 

Other guys have been asking me out, and I don't know whether to wait for this guy who I really, really feel strongly for...or to move on, because again, I don't know if he's not interested NOW, or if he's just not interested at all; his dropping off the face of the planet after making out with me really confused me. Yet, it is him who I really want, so dating others doesn't feel productive; yet, I don't want to hold out forever on other dates if he is really saying, "I don't want to be with you". When I asked him if I should accept other dates, he said he is not ready to date at this time, and if it would make it easier on me to date others, then I can do that.

 

I'm really confused as to what to think. My question is, is he really "just not ready" to see me (it would make sense, just coming out of a relationship--although his engagement was not that long), or, is he just not interested in being with me and is hoping something better will come along (which would make sense, because, regardless of whether I've been in relationships, if I want to be with someone, I want to be with them).

 

Another interesting detail is that his ex-fiance has changed her online profile picture to exclude him. His profile picture is still a picture of him AND his ex-fiance; additionally, he won't add me as an online friend. It makes me wonder, if perhaps I'm not hearing the whole story--and she is actually dumping him, and he's hoping to win her back. And it makes me wonder, if he is keeping me on the back burner in case things don't work out between them...making me more of a backup plan than anything else.

 

Thoughts on what is really going on here, and whether it's a lost cause to ever hope to be more to him? Also, I'm trying to figure out how I should behave around him to let him know I AM interested, but without ruining my chances?

 

Input would be appreciated!

[Nexus One]

Perhaps he wants to make sure that you will not become his rebound. Perhaps it has hit him that he found himself to have a big hole in his chest after his engagement didn't work out and doesn't want to use you to fill that hole in his chest. Instead he perhaps wants to get over his ex first before moving on with you. If this is his logical argumentation for it, then I think he's serious about you and wants to make sure you will not be just a rebound fling.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Nexus One

[Katrina65]

Thanks for your response, Nexus. This would be a best case scenario. Any guys here actually have any experience, where you were worried a girl would be your rebound, and therefore, backed off, giving yourself time, before pursuing the girl?

[Lilmisus]

For you guys to let your feelings show so soon after his break up from his engagement was a bad move on both of your parts. Right now, he's lost someone who was a very big part of his life and who he was planning on spending the rest of his life with - regardless of how long the engagement was or how bad the relationship seemed. To lose a relationship with someone who means that much to you, hurts, and right now, regardless of who did the breaking up with who, or if he's trying to get back together with her or not, he's dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. To top it off, here's a great gal pal of his, who he obviously has strong feelings for and vice versa, who has helped him through his relationship's up's and down's and who he knows is interested in forming a relationship with him.

 

He's confused right now, and hurt, and the best thing you can do is back off and let him have the space he needs for the time being. Instead of just shooting him a message, why don't you ask to speak to him, and let him know that you're here for him if he needs someone to talk to. Reinforce that you care about him, and that that wont change if he needs time to deal with his thoughts and emotions and until he decides if he's ready to start a relationship with you in the future. You should start seeing other people though, and taking up on a few of the offers given to you, but if I were you, I'd let him know that when (if) you speak to him in person. It's for your own well-being, and it will also help you both realize what you really want and need.

 

If he decides that what he wants to do is be with his ex again, and if he did switch the story up on you (which he may have done) then you need to respect that and do what feels right, which is either continue being supportive or just bowing out of his life. If he decides that he wants to be with you, then it's up to you completely to decide if that's what you want, and when. Let him wait a few months before he makes this decision. If it's anywhere before a few months than you could easily just become a rebound girl, and nothing more.

 

But you could just make the decision to just move on, and not think of him again. I don't recommend this solution, but do whatever feels right, and whatever is in BOTH of your best interests. He needs space, you need to know what's going on, and you need to meet somewhere in the middle. Although I know that it may be upsetting and difficult to give him that space that he needs, it is what he needs regardless, and you need to decide if you're willing to give it to him or not.

[Katrina65]

That was REALLY good advice, Lilmisus. I may have to message him though, rather than meeting up in person, as he's avoiding me like the plague. I really don't know if he would meet up with me right now. And, I don't know the reason for this...whether it be, he's back around his ex? If he's moved back in with her? If he's trying to keep his distance from me or what...

 

I'll start with a message, explaining I do care, and am here if he needs me and that I respect his need for space and time.

 

I did meet up with one of the guys who wanted to go out, and he's such a nice guy...but I already feel, my own heart isn't into it, as I still have feelings for this last guy. Ha, this is very likely the same issue the guy I like is having with me--still having feelings for his ex, and not wanting to lead me on until he has those feelings sorted out. I also don't want to lead this new guy on...knowing that if things could work out with this last guy, that I would want to be with him...

 

The irony!

[Lilmisus]

That was REALLY good advice, Lilmisus. I may have to message him though, rather than meeting up in person, as he's avoiding me like the plague. I really don't know if he would meet up with me right now. And, I don't know the reason for this...whether it be, he's back around his ex? If he's moved back in with her? If he's trying to keep his distance from me or what...

 

I'll start with a message, explaining I do care, and am here if he needs me and that I respect his need for space and time.

 

I did meet up with one of the guys who wanted to go out, and he's such a nice guy...but I already feel, my own heart isn't into it, as I still have feelings for this last guy. Ha, this is very likely the same issue the guy I like is having with me--still having feelings for his ex, and not wanting to lead me on until he has those feelings sorted out. I also don't want to lead this new guy on...knowing that if things could work out with this last guy, that I would want to be with him...

 

The irony!

 

That's great that you've already met up with one of the guys! You don't need to lead him on, or any of them on that are interested in seeing you, just date around, and see for yourself that there are tons of available - and non engaged or rebounding - men out there. Maybe go on one or two dates with different guys here and there, if you feel like you're interested in them, and if they ask tell them the truth. That you're not really looking for a relationship from them right now and that you're just dating around to see who all is out there. You don't have to include that you're waiting for your man to make up his mind, since that will not only turn off those guys, but lose some of their respect for you as well. I'm not expecting you to suddenly lose your feelings for this guy, but I do hope that by going out and enjoying your single life you'll be able to refresh yourself and be ready for whatever this guy throws at you, since it honestly could be anything.

 

And as for not being able to meet with him. Try regardless, send him a short message asking if you could meet up for lunch or coffee, to just talk since you really want to, and if he declines tell him what you said about being there for him, and be completely respectful and understanding of his motive for declining.