enchantedbird Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Needless to say I have been ignoring my ex because he was "conflicted" about being with me. He would message me on facebook, telling me how wonderful I was...ect, text me making small talk and then would offer to go on a date with me again. I said great! When? He responded with "good question". That's how he left the conversation. So the next day we chat on aim again. He said he was sick..we make more small talk and then when I go to ask him what he wants to do on this date, he stops talking again. How convenient. So Friday night rolls around and he is like I need to see you right now. I tell him no...since its 10:30 and its late. I am miffed he didn't make real plans and has not been anything but flakey. He then says "why do you have a date tonight?" I say no and tell him that his bahavior led me to believe he wasn't interested in seeing me. He says he's lonely and stir crazy from being sick. The next day I try talking to him and he incredibly short with me, I get anxious and make the mistake of asking him out for coffee. He says he might if he feels better. And makes no effort to talk to me. Basically he is driving me crazy. We agreed to date and take things slow because he is "conflicted" about his feelings for me. So I decide that if he doesn't want me back I will find someone who does and I make an okcupid profile again. Almost immediatly he texts me and says "that was quick" I told him I didn't have a reason not to.. Then he tells me he was going to send me the song "wonderful" by Adam Ant. It is basically every single thing I was hoping he would say to me in a nutshell. Blah blah blah I miss you...I'm sorry...your really wonderful...(well you get the gist of it). I tell him its a beautiful song. He then tells me he's never cried to that song before until today. He said he heard it while he was looking at my facebook and started balling. I tell him, oh its probably just because your sick. Then he tells me "you're probably right" Then I tell him "I'm confused, I thought you were all distant and cold towards me" He says "I am, but I'm being this way right now because I'm sick" This is when I accuse him of playing games with me. "I miss you but these games are driving me crazy" "What games" "Oh im distant, oh i miss you and cried, but im cold, but i want to see you" "I'm conflicted" "I can see that, its pusing me away" "I'm sorry" "Id appreciate it if you wouldn't message me until all of your "conflictions" are gone. My heart can't handle this anymore." "Fine" That night I cried my eyes out, cried because of frustration, cried because this is ridiculous, cried because he's driving me crazy. The next morning all he says is "my heart can't take this anymore either" I respond with: ""Any who, im just going to say one last thing. The way we both treated eachother has been appaling, and theres very little trust left. Obviously we are very emtional about eachother and i dont blame either of us for running away I'm not a pushover, but i wear my heart on my sleeve. I wanted to connect with you very much. Its hard to deal with someone not feeling the same way back, they way we treated eachother did not bring out the best in us. My feelings for you will remain very loving and i will always care about you. But i have too much dignity to wait for a man who says he loves me but cant make up his mind. I cant settle for that, nor would i want you to either. Love should be trusting and cozy. I know alot about love Joshua, you dont need to tell me to read the bible. With all my love, i bid you goodbye. "" I feel good for maintaining my dignity in a loving way, but I am starting to wonder if I was being too hard on him last night. It was like....oh god he's finnaly comming around, but then he backed down again. I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me and not be "conflicted". Not tell me they love me, miss me, and then ignore me. Is he going to have a change of heart..or did I blow it? I'm so utterly lost right now...is he the emotional retard...or is it me?
Author enchantedbird Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Did I do the right thing? I can't stop thinking about him.
cerridwen Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me and not be "conflicted". Not tell me they love me, miss me, and then ignore me. Is he going to have a change of heart..or did I blow it? I'm so utterly lost right now...is he the emotional retard...or is it me? What you're asking for isn't unreasonable so no, you didn't blow it. Your message to him made your position clear and was very kind in its restraint. Don't second guess whether you were fair. While he may have been "coming around" last night, it's likely he would have pulled away again. These ups and downs can go on indefinitely. Why do you feel guilty that you're not going along with his program, at his pace? I don't know one healthy female who would endure what you've been putting up with. Best to you. Continued strength. I'm glad to see you advocating for yourself.
cerridwen Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Did I do the right thing? You wrote " I...cried because this is ridiculous, cried because he's driving me crazy." You are in pain. Given that, you tried to resolve the issue causing the pain and he won't allow that to happen. So again, yes, you did the right thing. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Author enchantedbird Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks Cerridwen for helping me through this once more. Ahh yes, you're right, I shouldn't second guess myself. It sounded so right at the time and it was comming from my heart. He can take it or leave it for all I care. It does hurt, but talking to him hurts more, how can someone be so conflicted, I just don't get it. I'm not sure what his deal is but I was starting to get over him and then he pulls that. I think since Valentines day is tomorrow...the pain is kind of magnified a bit. Thanks for your support and kind words
depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I'm sorry enchantedbird but your story irritated me. I think you are right for laying it down straight, but I don't think you have the conviction to back it up. You are constantly backing and forthing, asking questions which destabalises the whole thing, instead of relaxing together and seeing what happens naturally - in short I think you are trying to force it. But you have done this now so stick to it and give both of you room to truly think what you want. At least a full week of ignoring his communication and visa versa; it will be a test, but a test I think you need to prove to yourself you can do.
Author enchantedbird Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Relaxing together? I haven't seen him for maybe two weeks. We haven't even talked on the phone. He will only talk via chat online, where he can have control over the conversations. Relaxing together? The man confessed his undying love for me on the third date, gave me a sentimental ring and said when I was ready he would marry me. "I was the one" Now he "doesn't know what he wants". You try being in my position, believe me...if you are sleeping with the man, that's not casual stuff. Your not in kansas anymore. The bottom line is, one minute he wants me, the next he doesn't. I don't care if he is everything I've ever wanted in a man, if he's not treating me with respect, he's gone. Playing games, even if you're "conflicted" is still games. I have every right to tell him to leave me alone until he figure his head and heart out. By playing by his little game, he basically gets to have his cake, and eat it too...plus the added benifit of me "trying to convince him that I am good enough for him" No thanks.
depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Well that certainly seems a little more like the spirit. Your title was asking who the emotional retard is and I indirectly said both of you. You have been slightly contradictory because: We agreed to date and take things slow because he is "conflicted" about his feelings for me. This statement says you agreed to take things slowly, so why are you pushing him so hard for answers so early on in the game? Your post gave the impression you've not been together very long? Also because: So I decide that if he doesn't want me back I will find someone who does and I make an okcupid profile again. Almost immediatly he texts me and says "that was quick" I told him I didn't have a reason not to... From where I'm standing he is not the only one playing games. Are you being honest with yourself? Just ignore him from now on and move on but do it for you and not for a reaction.
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