depplover_1980 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 How many times have you spent too long emailing/texting/talking BEFORE the date, only to be disappointed? It has happened to me in the past, but obviously it worked out with my last boyfriend and we texted/emailed a good 2 weeks before the date. But I keep thinking back to the times before when I'd built up such hope to be disappointed by the lack of chemistry. You cannot measure the electricity between you, how charismatic they are until you are finally face to face. I am just apprehensive as I am getting on well with someone from the dating side, we have just transferred to text and so far he seems great. Will call him in the next couple of days with a view to seeing him next weekend, but trying to keep a lid on hope!! How sceptical of me.
jerbear Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 How many times have you spent too long emailing/texting/talking BEFORE the date, only to be disappointed? To many. I ask within a week and give up after say 1 month unless they are relocating to my area. I hate the long chats only to have to be let down later. Meet and see if there is chemistry and not be penpals. So managed expectations is a good thing.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 To me, it seems you have this battle at least half-won; clearly, you understand that chemistry on paper does not always transfer to the flesh, so you're going in with a clear mind and appropriate expectations. I prefer to see each potential as a fulfilling interaction which might result in a future. Take each step as it comes and savor the moments one finds joyous and positive, as life provides only so many of them and then it's over. If flesh doesn't prove the prior interactions to have potential, so be it. They were still fun and fulfilling. Perspective
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Well this is it Carhill, you can't change the nature of the game but you can control your perspective of it. I am learning to be more open with the date that 'hey you do realise in the flesh things may be different' and I think by talking about your fears, it helps ease the situation. But I suppose to enjoy the date for what it is, which is potential for even a new friend would make me less disheartened by the process. Thanks.
zengirl Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I don't think the pre-dating stuff helps with chemistry, except that it gives you a better idea of who the person is --- which allows each party to be slightly more open with each other, which CAN allow chemistry to flow --- but I think it helps with the foundation/friendship stuff. Chemistry is just something that's either there, or isn't, at the end of the day. All you can do is get out of its way. However, having a foundation can allow that to happen more naturally, in my view.
daphne Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I find that chemistry is lacking most of the time so I don't bother with the predate emailing/phoning/texting for weeks on end. I mean there may be some texting in there, but I'm not going to accept someone else texting me all day in lieu of face time. There are a lot of people online. I've come to realize that some may look good on paper but I don't want to waste a lot of time if they don't make for compatibility. I'm even at the point where I'm about to forego dinner dates and just go coffee. I hate to put the damper on potential romance, since two of my dinner dates turned into something sweet that still didn't go anywhere. But the rest were just kind of duds and a waste of both our time and his resources. Step 1 for me is going to be a phone conversation, then coffee. If we still like each other then let's try dinner. I'm trying to learn to be more efficient at weeding them out.
carhill Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I've had lunch or coffee as first dates, seemingly forever, and definitely since I started online dating back in the mid 90's. I also kept correspondence to a modest amount, likely not believable from my posting volume on LS, but true. Real life friendships and romances I prefer to conduct in person. Everything else facilitates that. I've run into the 'virtual' dynamic a number of times on LS, in PM correspondences, which get wearying after awhile. Unless there's pressing of flesh, I have no interest in virtual 'friendships'. That's electrons without resolution; a journey into the nebula. I'll have that journey for real soon enough. No need to rush it along
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 I've had lunch or coffee as first dates, seemingly forever, and definitely since I started online dating back in the mid 90's. I also kept correspondence to a modest amount, likely not believable from my posting volume on LS, but true. Real life friendships and romances I prefer to conduct in person. Everything else facilitates that. I've run into the 'virtual' dynamic a number of times on LS, in PM correspondences, which get wearying after awhile. Unless there's pressing of flesh, I have no interest in virtual 'friendships'. That's electrons without resolution; a journey into the nebula. I'll have that journey for real soon enough. No need to rush it along Carhill - do you not have any 'cyberfriends' then - people you post with that you sometimes think about in your real life? Obviously i've not been on here long but I have been on another forum 2 years and I feel genuinely close to around 6 people who I have never met face to face, but their support at times has been invaluable. Daphne - as a result of what I just mentioned to Carhill I am generally good at weeding people out just by their emails alone and the effort they put in, then a phone calls really sorts it out. I don't actually get to the date stage very often, so when I do I guess I panic slightly because my hopes are up that the guy has even passed all the tests. Poor man. Zengirl - I enjoyed the perspective that being relaxed together would allow the chemistry to flow easier, but not necessarily less awkward. My ex that I split with, we talked for 2 weeks before. When we met for the first time the chemistry and tension was unbearable to the point we couldn't even eat and we were rolling around in bed after an hour. It was like a film!!
carhill Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Carhill - do you not have any 'cyberfriends' then - people you post with that you sometimes think about in your real life?All of the anecdotes I post on LS are real people whom I've met in person and with whom I've had ongoing relationships, some for decades. Some of those relationships have ended, like the 'friend' in my journals as an example. Whether that be here in the US/Canada, in Asia, Oceana, or Europe, I've visited them and/or they've visited me (or 'us' when I was married to my exW). Here's an example of an anecdote from LS. When I met my now exW online, due to LD, about sixty miles, we didn't meet for a couple weeks after first corresponding and, in that time, did correspond a few times via e-mail. This was back before cell phones and national calling plans were common, so 'writing' was our pre-date communication. Still, it was brief and mainly in the superficial 'get to know' realm. On a rainy day almost exactly 12 years ago, we met for lunch. From then on, it was pressing flesh. Everyone has their own 'style'. For some people, with some people, that remains or is preferred to be in the realm of 'online' or 'phone'. That's just not my style. If it works for them, as I always say, good on 'em. Edited to add that, in the case of some of my friends overseas, yes, I got to know them online and traveled to visit them, or the reverse, as was practical. The real friendships didn't start until meeting in person and, then, repeating over time. Prior, it was more of an 'online acquaintance'. Edited February 14, 2011 by carhill
Cee Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 In retrospect from online dating, I realize there isn't a great way to weed people out via email/IM/text. There are those people who are immediately block/deletes, you know, the ones who get sexual, seem angry, or write bizarrely. However, it's easier to lie or embellish via email than face-to-face. With email, you can write something and then edit it and take out the controversial stuff. IM is faster, but a person can think before "talk." I agree with Carhill about not investing too much in virtual interactions. I don't believe in online friendships. Online relating cannot simulate the complexity of relating - eye contact, active listening, empathy, body language, and conversational flow. And laughter is my favorite sound in the whole world. LOL or is not a suitable substitute.
carhill Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I'll add that real life stuff certainly doesn't diminish some of the belly laughs I've gotten from LS. It's just that, to me, it's more satisfying to do same in person with good friends. In this small world, so easily traversed, there's really no good reason not to take good potentials and grow them. When that ability is gone, one will reflect on what has gone by and what potentials were left unexplored. This is the process of life and death. Enjoy life
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Hmmm you see I have cyberfriends and real friends and neither is superior in my life, though of course I have a best friend who lives down the road. But I guess I love writing so the cyberpals is such a fantasy for me, I enjoy being creative and vica versa, though some have transferred to phonecalls. One went to a meeting and it was a disaster, so I would not cross over again and I was warned not to!!
daphne Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Daphne - as a result of what I just mentioned to Carhill I am generally good at weeding people out just by their emails alone and the effort they put in, then a phone calls really sorts it out. I don't actually get to the date stage very often, so when I do I guess I panic slightly because my hopes are up that the guy has even passed all the tests. Poor man. I guess I have a habit of giving people too much of the benefit of the doubt. There are things that I often know, but I learn over again when I choose to ignore it. I.e. when a guy sends you 5 words to flirt and doesn't even seem to care about anything in your profile, chances are he's looking to see who wants to sleep with him fast or just flirting. Either way, he's not looking for a real relationship. Why does this type even bother paying? lol So what are your tests? What things do you rule them out on? Mine are: No sex site profiles that I can lookup online. tee hee Too many kids. Seperated. Tacky copy and paste email. Doesn't seem to want to meet very fast. over 2 weeks is just retarded. Takes over a few days to respond to emails. I think that's my list. honestly though, this list was compiled sort of after the fact. LOL
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